Phew! Fuck's sake, finally, that took way too long to deal with. Seriously, what did this fucker do, jam his dick in the disc tray to get a masochist's dream? There is way too much metaphorical shmizzum in this thing, and this is just the actual processor. God above, I dread having to go through this fuckard's keyboard. From the looks of this shit, gonna have dorito dust, dried mountain dew, torn-up tid mousepad bits, and most unholy white crust. Just think, you are going to get over 2000$ for fixing this tortured soul. It. Is. Worth. It.

"Oh fuck me this thing is disgusting."

"Yeah, you don't know the fucking halF OF IT- WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?"

Oh hey, my first home intruder, wHERE IS THE PHONE!?

"Yeesh, loud. What did I ever do to you? I even planned on giving you a cool deal."

I can only give this man the most deadpan stare ever. I don't care if he looks like he does martial arts. If this man for real starts trying to tell me to collect souls for him, I am going to laugh this man into hell, then dive in so I can deck him.

"Oh, I dunno, fucking instant transmissioned not even through the door, but literally breathing down my fucking neck like your some discord moderator about to scold their 'Little kitten' for not complying when said creep asks for photos! Get out right the fuck now before I call the constantine on your ass!"

"By the 7 hells, why are you so uncooperative? I thought you Prime Humans hated life on this hellhole and wanted to get Isekai'd!"

At this, I can feel the dread creeping into my skull & rib. Enough skill that he can make it into my house without triggering any anti-security. A fit but thin body, presumably perfect for fighting. Insane enough to think Isekai is real.

Oh god, there is only one possibility...

"...Oh no, it's a Floridian..."



It was at that point I decided that it would be a good time to use that pouch of sand I keep by my work desk exactly for this situation. I mean, home invasions, not encroaching hellspawn. Didn't even waste time with dipping my hands in it, tossed the whole sack in his face and ran. I thought I was going to make some good distance as I heard the shit hacking up a lung. At least, until I dinked off of a weird, circular, orange wallllll... Oh god it infected me.

"You little shit, this is gonna sting! Although, I will say, this is the most excitement I have had in, like, 40 years. So, I'm what you call a ROB. I'm going to chuck you into a random world that I think would be fun to watch you run around in, but I'm going to let you choose a power to keep it balanced. What do you say?"

"...Explain to me why I should even give an ounce of truth to you? You really have done nothing but make me think you are a Floridian, really."

This bastard raised his fingers, as if he could argue, then part it back down.

"Actually, fair point. All the others told me you prime-humans would beg for this kind of opportunity, so, I kinda just went to wing it. Anyway, to prove it, you were born with fucked up feet, make jokes about having schizophrenia and arthritis, you have gone through multiple situations in which you had a singular de facto best friend that you just drifted apart from due to time and distance, and you wonder what death is like. That's enough proof for you?"

"...Go fuck yourself, but yeah. Anyways, I get to choose a power?"

"Yeah. Any you can think of, really."

Oh. Oh do I know what I want.

"I choose all of the powers of Genie the Lamp, from Disney's Aladdin. Kingdom Hearts powers included. All instances."

That got him to shut up.

"Oh. Wow. That, uh, gotta say, never heard of anyone asking for something like that. Congratulations, you get to basically be god on acid in your new world... Stuck inside a tiny little lamp you can redecorate to your liking."

"Fuck yeah. I apologize for everything I said, you actually seem kinda cool."

"Yeah? Wonder if you'll still be saying that after you wake up in Kanda-no-Yashiro with only Suku-Hiko and the Great Ball Prison for company."

"Wait what?"

That was all I could say before I went tumbling through a frankly mind-breaking tunnel of red-green and yellow-blue. Don't ask me what it looks like, I don't know.

Another day, another chance for everything to go wrong. Sukuna-Hikona could not let his vigilance falter. He knew just what would be at stake if things went wrong, and such a thing...He could not let that vile piper be released. He would bring about the most Brutal Salvation one can imagine. And worst of all, he is justified in thinking such a why. Only just barely, but still. It may be lonely and depressing here, but if that was the price he had to pay to see man flourish in this adversity, then he will stay here until his own blood-brother withered away. Until the day every last human has found peace in their own afterlife, the vile piper will stay locked within the-

Ka-thunk, rattle-rattle.

"Who's there!? Reveal yourself, intruder!"

I peer around this hallowed chamber, searching for whoever has disturbed my vigil. And yet, I see no one. I do, however, see someTHING. A... Brass tea-pot? An oddly shaped one, at that. Odd. It has a note attached to it, too.

"Dear Suku-Hiko.

Couldn't help but notice you were lonely down there. Also, that you were kinda understaffed. A lot. One of my friends here volunteered to join you; unfortunately, he was bound to this here lamp by some asshole as part of some contract, and he can't really move it. If you wanna release him, you just gotta rub the lamp. Be warned, though, he can be a bit random though, ranging anyway from 'just another citizen' to 'Great Titan-Emperor Of The Gods' to 'Honestly Worryingly Depressed.' On top of that, he is also forced to grant you 3 wishes, for some reason.

May you live in interesting and fun times, Astrumisterio"

What?... Who is this "Astrumisterio"? Who could imprison someone seemingly immensely powerful into such a tiny lamp? How have they not broken out?

Who would name themself something so excessive and difficult to say?

...Well, it wouldn't do to have someone presumably innocent rot away in some lamp. He gently grabbed it, making sure he didn't break it, then began to slowly rub it.

He almost dropped it from shock as smoke in shades of purple and blue flowed from it, obscuring the area. He prepared for a fight, dreadfully expecting them to be angry. But... He was... Sleeping? It sounded like he was snoring, and there was a script of some sort covering his face.

"Well met, stranger?"

"HUH!? Did I leave the AC on?! Oh, it...Huh. Hey, I guess?... Cool boat?"

AN: Yeah, I know. "Really man? 3 other stories, and you're starting another one?" Don't worry, this one is gonna be on the backburner. Plus, I swear, this is gonna be good. LOTS of delightful twisters to cool off with. Butterflies are gonna be taped to these walls. Things will go simultaneously a lot smoother and a lot rougher for them. It might sound oxymoronic, but trust me, in time, you will know the true extent of my madness.