Ryo woke up, with his usual immediate undertaker rise. eyes wide in his white t-shirt and blue jeans, belt and all. Never showered, never changed, no need. His routine was comforting in that way. Especially once he stopped going to school. best decision he ever made.
But today was special, it was christmas. He guessed no one really celebrated it in Yokosuka since no one ever said merry christmas, when santa would wander around he'd ask him how many days until christmas to be sure. yesterday santa said tomorrow, so today must be the day.
Ryo began by taking one of the bills off the stack near the front door, flipping it over, and writing "Dear santa" thinking for a moment to remember his usual wish, and then going "aha". he wrote, "dear santa, please make Ine-san raise my allowance."
he then folded the paper back up and put it in the envelope again. He knew that Ine-san would read this and deliver it to Santa like she did every year. he clapped his hands together and began to walk outside towards town, so he could get to work.
Ine-san hearing the door slam shut, got up out of bed and walked to the entryway, seeing the envelope Ryo had hastily licked and re-sealed. she opened it to read his usual letter and shook her head. She tossed it in the trash and went back to bed.
Somewhere up in the clouds, a blue man with snow white hair was watching in horror.
Jack Frost couldn't believe his eyes. He'd been watching Ryo every day since his dad was killed by Lan-Di, amazed by Ryo's ability to get anything he wanted through sheer force of ignorance. Asking every person he came across the same thing until eventually one bent to his will. But in this instance, he hadn't gotten his wish. He watched as Ine-san prepared Ryo's December 26th allowance with NO INCREASE. He was fuming.
Jack flew down to Yokosuka and landed softly behind Ryo. "Hey kid." Ryo turned his body without moving his shoulders and Jack Frost felt his body being forced rigid into a dialogue cutscene. This must be Ryo's incredible power at work.
"uh, uhm yes! my name is Jack Frost! The Winter Warlock! and I have something very important to tell you Ryo."
Ryo blinked once and said "oh"
"I have been watching you for some time Ryo, I'm amazed by your ability to get the job done. I have a sort of, proposition for you."
Ryo turned and walked towards the bus pickup, it was nearly 9:30 and he was trying to get on.
Jack dashed in front of the door, forcing Ryo to enter a dialogue cutscene with him.
Ryo said "argh" and Jack begin to speak.
"I saw Ine-san throw away your letter to santa Ryo"
Ryo's eyebrows still arched in anger, he said "oh?"
"yes Ryo, but fear not. I can fly, and i'll deliver that letter to santa for you. on the condition that you do a little something for me."
Ryo said "what is it?"
"Just head to the north pole, and I promise you'll have your increase in allowance."
Ryo wrote something in his journal and walked back in to town. Jack was thrilled to have this boy on his side, and flew back up in to the sky to watch his plan in action. Ryo proceeded to bang on doors all christmas morning, asking what people knew about the north pole. It seemed like people mistook this as his way of saying "merry christmas" and would smile, sometimes patting him on the head and giving him a candy cane or something in return.
But he kept going. by January 25th Ryo was still asking people about the north pole, and no one really had an answer for him. Jack was bored of watching Ryo ask people the same questions day in and day out, and without triggering any cutscenes he was beginning to get angry. His memory card died and he had to spend $6 on a new battery. What a waste! He decided real life Shenmue was no longer worth his time and he threw his god disc in the trash. now understanding fully why it goes for $20 on god amazon when other well respected games of the era go for over $100.
Jack thought and thought, what would he himself have done a few thousand years ago. Back before there was a santa claus and he was on top? he decided to travel back in time and find out. He froze himself in a block of un-meltable ice and waited patiently for the sun to explode so the universe would reset and he'd be born anew.
Now it was 2021 BC and he burst free from his self imposed mother 3 villian-prison. There, over on an ice couch 20 feet away was him! from the past! er, future. BC Jack was watching ice-god-tv, and slapping his knee, crying laughing.
AD jack walked over to see what was so funny, and turning to the tv, saw a caveman in the fetal position. a short man with blonde hair, shivering on the ground, purple in the face, dying. This was pretty funny, but what amazed AD jack was that it felt much colder than any human of his era could withstand. It's a wonder this man lived at all. He asked BC jack how cold it was right now. BC Jack stuck his finger in his mouth and swished it around, then held it up in the air. "ehhhhhhhh, i'd say about -200 degrees. about the usual"
AD jack knew what he had to do. Convince these super cold resistant caveman to colonize the north pole in HIS name before Santa's time. effectively guaranteeing his hold on Christmas! He quickly flew down to earth and to the caveman he had seen on icegod-tv,
walking up to the shivering man, Jack said "hello! allow me to help you out there!" he blasted the caveman in the face with ice. this appeared to kill him. "whoops! old habit!" jack said laughing, he looked towards the man for a response to his "joke" but remembered, oh yea. he looked left, he looked right, and kicked some snow over the body before waltzing towards the mans village in the lowest stride you've ever seen.
Meanwhile in the village, a brick house black haired caveman was stretching out of bed. every joint cracking in his musty dusty clay foundation of a torso. he yawned, and then yelled "WILLLLMAAA!" for fun to wake up his wife. only he got no response. he trudged around his house to notice no one was there. he wondered what was going on, when just then he heard a voice from outside the window.
A skinny blue man in some sort of space suit was standing on a box, shouting in to a cone. Fred squinted his eyes and mumbled something about "fucking liberals" then began to make breakfast.
Jack continued his speech in the town square to the citizens of bedrock, who all watched in awe as he described his "magical super village in the far north". Occasionally stopping to show off his powers and keep the single brain cell cave people's attention. Soon, despite his best efforts they all wandered off. and he was left there scratching his head about how best to make his plan work.
Wilma who had been listening to the speech came back in to the house to tell her husband. She said "this funny tall man named Jack, tells us he's going to help us build a better society up north, he says if we join him, for a small fee he'll give us access to free health care, free education, and free transportaion."
As Wilma spoke, her husband's usual dumb smile turned in to a deep grimace. "free huh, Wilma sit down, let me tell you a little bit about the evils of "free" in a social democracy."
Wilma sat down, she had heard this speech before. but it never got easier.
Jack who had been sitting there thinking, heard shouting from inside one hut. He couldn't make out much but he knew domestic abuse when he heard it. This was a good opportunity to recruit a soldier. Jack strode on over and knocked once before opening the door and walking in "Hello! my name is Jack Frost!"
the caveman had one hand on the table and one in the air, red in the face, sweat on his brow. where just moments ago he was clearly yelling at his poor innocent wife. He now made eye contact with Jack, and nearly popped a vein.
Like a sumo wrestler he place each foot parallel to Jacks, in a wide squat, nuts hanging low beneath his orange and black spotted shirt. he raised each hand palm out.
Jack put his palms up too, "woah woah woah, I don't want any trouble mr, er."
"fred, fred flintstone."
"fred, no no no, I was just telling your lovely wife here" *he winked at wilma* "about my incredible plan to build a city up north, where I, I mean WE can all live together in peace, and share our resources to build a better society."
Fred made his move, one foot forward and one palm out, striking jack so hard in the chest he dented Jacks ice suit and sent him flying through the living room wall. collapsing Fred's house and sending a plume of rock dust high in to the air.
out from the rubble Jack rose on to his hands and knees, coughing as the air worked its way back in to his lungs. He wheezed and clutched his chest.
Fred stood above him and begin to speak. "Ya know, I've just about had it with you blue nosed liberals and your ass backwards communist agenda. You pointy eared, snowflake ass mouth breathers. you blue haired, pronoun having, wife grabbing, suit tie and shoe wearing, forked tongue freaks. How is a hard working man like me supposed to find his wealth in the world if I have to share it with bastards like you?"
Jack coughed again, "It's literally free, your taxes will only go up like %1 and you won't have to pay 500 rock dollars a month for healthcare anymore"
Fred spit on jacks spiky white hair. "yea and who's gonna pay for that %1? it sure as hell won't be me."
Jack begin to raise a finger and Fred raised a fist. as Freds knuckles came down, suddenly he was frozen solid in a block of ice. Down floated BC Jack from up above.
"Now AD Jack. I can't have you dying on me, I think if you die I die too. or something like that. besides you're messing with the god tv by interacting with the mortals. go back to where you came from." he opened an organization 13 ice portal and threw AD jack threw it.
Jack swirled around for awhile then landed back in his god room in present day. when he saw on the tv his favorite show, scooby doo. ahaha.
He plopped down on his ice couch and turned up the volume.
Shaggy staring at a big block of ice with a neanderthal in it said "Am I glad that he's frozen in there and that we're out here. And that he's the sheriff and we're frozen out here. And that we're in there and I just remembered were out here. What I wanna know is where's the caveman"
Jack stood up and angrily banged the top of his old CRT with an open palm. "God fucking damnit this old thing is stuck on youtube poop mode again! AGH!"
The tv then jumped back to normal and the show resumed, only now inside of the giant ice cube was Fred Flintstone. Jack raised one eyebrow and a huge grin creeped across his face. "AHA! Now there's an idea"
Jack bloo scadoo'd into the TV and kicked the ice cube with one of his pointy shoes. This broke his fucking toe and he briefly lost his composure to hop up and down screaming and swearing. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDD WHYYYYYYYYY. MY TOE, MY REAL TOE"
Jack then calmed himself and looked around. The mystery gang were staring at him in fear, this angelic man steaming like dry ice, with more vertices then their feeble hannah barbarah minds could comprehend. It scared them, but their attention soon shifted to the now thawing Fred, who surrounded by hippies and the man who winked at his wife was seething with hot rage.
Fred now fully thawed, picked up Jack by the collar as though no time had passed, and Jack smiled down at him. "Now hold on there my good cave sir, I stand before you with important news, and in fact I'm in need of your help."
Fred looked left and right at this strange dark room, the smell of musty relics and hippie weed assaulting his nose. "Wait a sec where the hell am I?" Wasn't I just about to kill you for being too blue? How'd we get into this commune shithole?"
Velma spoke up "I know you may be new here, but this is what's known as a museum." Fred lazily took her glasses off with his free hand and threw them out the window, shatteringt the glass and setting off an alarm, then returned his gaze to Jack.
"Got any last words before I make your face look like a blue raspberry snowcone?"
Jack straightened up, "why yes, that um, "Commune" I spoke of at the north pole, someone else beat me to it. In fact, up there right at this very moment! They live entirely rent free! Children there work to make gifts, to deliver to others each year for fun, asking for nothing in return and eating only candy and hot chocolate. A big bearded man named Santa Claus is loved by all, and oversees the whole thing."
Freds eyes seethed with rage. "Free housing? Free food? Working?! For FUN!?" Fred put jack down and paced around the room, formulating a plan in his brain made up of two stone gears slowly grinding together. Then he stopped and said "That's IT!" the mystery gang and jack shot up, having waited patiently for him over a good 20 minutes.
"I'll go up to this "north pole" myself and teach that big bearded fella a lesson." just like that he walked outside, asked some little girl which direction to the north pole, and begin walking. Jack said to the teens "well come on" and they all got in the mystery machine, following the stone age citizen as he walked with a slump due north.
After a few hours of awkward silence in the van, and listening to scooby loudly chew on a bone Jack had basically lost all his patience, he stood up, knocking velma off his lap and his stone cold stiffy. And said "That's it!" Fred said "ya know jackie man, we could go a little faster if you want, I mean we'll meet up with This other Fred Fella once we get to the pole."
Jack mulled this over, still standing, the cum stain on the croch of his suit visibly bothering daphne who was inches away. He then said "alright Fred! As fast as this baby goes!"
Fred sped things up to a cool 35, after a few minutes it was obvious Jack wasn't pleased as he hadn't said anything, so Fred bumped it up to 40. Again, nothing. Fred began to sweat, but knew that if he went any faster the van could get in to an accident and that insurance premium would be his ass. So he held steady.
Jack sighed and opened the passenger door, tumbling out into the snow. He then got up and mustered all of his magical energy to teleport the mystery machine and Fred Flintstone to the north pole.
Fred arrived first, teleporting just outside the front gates and saying "aha, now we're talking." reading the sign that said "santas workshop". And pushed his way inside.
A few minutes later jack and the van arrived. Still going 40 fred immediately crashed into a wall outside the workshop. Denting the front of the van. Smoke begin to billow out and Fred could faintly be heard saying "ahh man."
The Mystery gang walked out together in unison and looked at jack. He raised his eyebrows as if to say "well?" and they walked together inside. What they found was unexpected.
It looked almost like a military force. Soldiers marching on by, elves in handcuffs, the march of footsteps loudly drowning out the winter snow. Jack said "HUH?"
A loud "ATENNNN HUT" all of the soldiers clapped their feet and looked up towards center stage. Where a large man who resembled santa, but a little more plastic stood. It was silent. The man looked almost like a toy santa, but where was the real santa? Toy santa spoke.
"Thank you everyone, as you all know we recently had an intruder here at our little toy village." Santa stepped aside to reveal Fred Flinstone on his knees in handcuffs. Fred bit toy santas leg and said "let me go you bastard." Santa took a glove off and slapped him red. "Hush you caveman".
He turned back to his audience. "Now tell me, does anyone know what we do with intruders?"
One of the elves, bernard spoke up. "We give them hot chocolate and a free toy." Fred flintstone scoffed. "Typical bleeding heart liberal." Santa shook his head. "No no no bernard." he pulled out a large candy cane and begin licking. Between licks he spoke.
"We" lick lick lick "use" lick lick lick "a" lick lick lick "big" lick lick lick "pointy" lick lick lick "candycane" lick lick lick "to" lick lick lick "stab them" lick lick lick.
Toy santa raised his striped weapon in hand. When just then a rope wrapped around his arm. "Huh, what's this?" velma shouted "now" and down from the gallows toy santa was pulled by fred, he fell into a big net. Where the gang quickly wrapped him up. All except his head.
Fred walked over and put one hand on the gross plastic mesh. "Nice try santa clause, or should I say" *he pulled offf the head* revealing an empty hole in the neck. "Oh god" shaggy shouted. "Ruh roh" said scooby. Jack laughed evily. The elves cheered. The soldiers said nothing because they don't have voiced lines.
Just then a magical sparkle could be heard. And the sound of reindeer beels chimed in the air. Down on his sleigh came the real santa claus, tim allen. Throwing his head back in laughter. "HO HO HO. thanks for your help jack. That toy was getting out of control." he hopped off his sleigh and waved one hand. Setting all right the world.
With only jack and him left in the open front lawn of his castle. He slapped one hand down on jacks shoulder. "Oh old pal, don't you know you could never take this position" and jack scowled. Disappearing in a poof smoke.
Back at home he marked a pencil line through "operation stone age" on a list titled "plans to rule the north". The next line was titled "make bob par push santa off his roof"