Hello little saplings, and welcome to my first fanfiction! Lot a weird shit going on here, so prepare yourselves. Like many of my future fics this one is somewhere between angst and crack, though this one is extra cracky. Got the idea from falachen, but this is way less serious and has way more swearing. I am very lazy, so certain aspects of the story (AKA the name of that one fief and some other elements) will be ignored because it's to much work. You will find this very strange.

Definitely AU. This is set after Ruins of Gorlan, but before the Burning Bridge.

This is one of those fics I write just to flip off sanity. Purely indulgent.

Alliterations and sarcasm are beautiful.

Really bad dialogue.

Say hi to my dear friends, Will (From The Princess Bride) and Jack Frost (From Rise of the Guardians) who will be accompanying me throughout many of my stories. Say hi you two!

Will: A pleasure.

Jack: Hi.

Author who from this point forward will be referred to as Aspen: I just realized that our entire Constant Chat Cast (CCC) is entirely male, better fix that! Let's add… Carter and Sadie Kane, cause you can't have just one of the siblings. These two will be joined by various Gods and Goddesses, though mainly Horus and Isis. We're also going to add Alex Fierro, cause I love her. And we'll also add Miracle Max and his wife Valerie, I love them to. Loki, Clint and Bucky will robably join at one point.

Valerie: I would like to apologize before hand for my husband, he-

Max: Witch! Witch!

Valerie: I'm not a witch I'm your wife! ANYWAY, he has trouble reading the moment and responding in a societally acceptable way.

Aspen: Well, now that everyone's been introduced, Carter would you do the honors?

Carter: Sure, Aspen-

Sadie: Aspen owns nothing!

Carter: SADIE!

Aspen: I'm going to go stop them from killing each other, enjoy the story!


Chapter 1: Of Prophecies and Fucking Minorities

Bracken was being mutilated, ferns were being murdered, and shrubs were being mushed. The sound of snapping stems was punctuated by the occasional dog bark. thumping feet and grunts of exertion. A boy's breathy voice split the passive noise, just loud enough to be heard by the owner's companion.

"Those damn Aslavians can't just fall behind can they." The boy, called Will, complained between gasps of air, "They're enormous! How is it fair that they get to be so fast too!" (AN I'm not sure where I heard of Aslavia, or if I made it up at some point in time. It's probably not real though)

Halt, Will's mentor, merely grunted in reply, be it a very impatient and annoyed grunt that practically screamed 'shut up and run'. Will decided to do just that.

Now why were a Ranger and his apprentice being chased through the forest at night? Well…

Halt and his apprentice had been given the assignment of dealing with a group of 8 or so 'Large bandits' in XXXXXXX Fief on the Western edge of Araluen. The standing forces in the area were 'otherwise occupied' and the ranger was out of commission. Halt and Will were available as Redmont was very quiet at the time and Halt thought a simple task like this would be a good way for his young apprentice to get a feel for normal ranger missions, rather than Kalkara hunts and almost dying.

And thus, Halt and Will rode off on their easy mission.

At least it would have been an easy mission, that is, if there were 8 or 9 bandits, rather than 18 or 19 positively massive, heavily armed, Aslavian raiders. Definitely easy. Right.

Which brings us back to the present, where two Rangers, running for their lives from dual sword wielding martial artists, without backup, in the middle of nowhere, with no horses. Suffice it to say, Will and Halt were suitably pissed off with the whole debacle.

The pair were forced to bolt after a series of incredibly unlucky occurrences. First off, we have the fact that they were Aslavians in the first place. Heavily armed 6 ½ foot pirates from a country renowned for their warrior's ability in close combat and defense, namely, they could literally slice arrows from the air. Inconvenient, huh. Then, for whatever reason, the Aslavians had brought dogs with them, meaning they smelled the two rangers and immediately chased them in the opposite direction of where Tug and Abelard happened to be. Now they were charging through the brush in no particular direction 'cause they didn't have many options and they couldn't get a break to figure things out cause those damned Aslavians were unfairly fast, as Will pointed out a couple of paragraphs ago.

'This is stupid.' Will remarked silently, while mentally and physically panting, because brains are weird, 'We need a plan or all that's going to happen is Halt and I running off a cliff we didn't see.'

Of course, as soon as those words cross his mind that's exactly what happens. One moment they were sprinting, pushing branches out of the way and the next Will barely has time to register the fact that the rocky ledge in front of him exists, let alone do something about that fact, before he's hurtling through empty air above a lake, Halt right in front of him.

And the only thing that entered Will's mind in that moment was 'Oh shit'

Of course, Halt, being Halt, looks at the lake they are about to plunge into and thinks, 'Wow, this lake has impressive reflective properties, you can see each star mirrored perfectly on the surface' And then they hit the water.

ThisIsALineBreakButICan'tFigureoutHowToActuallyPutOneInTheStorySoI'mDoingThisInstead, ?

Will's POV

Damn, this water is cold! And judging by the way my lungs feel, I've swallowed and breathed in about two gallons of it. Wow, This is so fun, best day of my life.

Sarcasm? That's new. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. I mean, I am dying, and I went through plenty of recent trauma, what with the Kalkara, so maybe it's about time for me to go a little insane.

No One's POV

Will's head broke the surface of the water and he took greedy gulps of air. Treading water, he caught his breath and began looking for the shore.

'Oh look, a plot convenient shoreline right over there' he remarked sarcastically. 'Huh, the sarcasm hasn't gone away despite the fact I'm no longer actively dying, guess I'm stuck this way.' *thought so sarcastically it would make your ears bleed* Will began paddling toward the sandy banks, aware now of gentle waves that shouldn't have been present in a lake as small as this one. 'Now that I think about it, that shoreline seems a lot farther away than it should.' Will decided to ignore this in favor of focusing on swimming and therefore not dying. A prudent decision, as one should always attempt to not die.

While swimming Will discovered that sprinting and then almost drowning does not do wonders for one's endurance. It was rather annoying having to stop and catch his breath while just floating and not actually going anywhere every two or so minutes. It was during one of these resting periods that he felt rough sand underneath him, alerting him to the fact that he had washed up on shore, but it felt weird.

Looking down at himself expecting to see his ranger's garb and some sand, he instead saw fur and sand, plenty of sand. 'Something is very wrong here, hold on… yup, I've been turned into an animal, a cat, I think. The shoreline was farther away because I'm smaller now. Goddamn it, I just get over the fact that magic is just trickery and hallucinations and happen to stumble upon the one place it's real. Fucking minorities' He then proceeded to pass out.

While Will was developing trauma induced habits and cussing his wee little head off, mentally of course, Halt was swimming. Having more experience than Will had given him an edge in this situation, as he was able to prepare for the water before he hit the surface, meaning he did not almost drown and was not the least bit traumatized. He was paddling at a languid pace through the cold water toward shore. The fact that he was now a cat conveniently escaped his notice. He reached the bank not long before Will, though Will was too busy being a cat and passing out to notice. Halt also passed out when he reached shore and his last thought was something along the lines of, 'If anything happened to Will, I'm going to fucking murder someone.'


Several miles away from the lake an old witch looked up, someone had triggered her lake portal. She had made it in her younger, cat obsessed, years. strong (AN Those rumors about witches and cats didn't come from nowhere) Maybe she'll pop in soon and laugh her face off at whatever fool now had to deal with being turned into a cat. Yeah, that sounded fun. A loud knock on her door disrupted her train of thought. She stood and opened the front door. Standing there was a group of wargals. 'Ah shit.'


Meanwhile with Jaypaw

Jaypaw was tired of magical dreams and portents. Just once he'd like to have normal dream about mice or whatever normal cats dream about. Not that he knew what normal cats dreamt about, because noOooOoOooo, he couldn't have normal dreams. And here he was in Starclan's hunting grounds, Yellowfang in front of him, yet again. Jaypaw's voice rang through the starry clearing,

"Yellowfang, since you're here I'm guessing you have a prophecy for me?"

Yellowfang nodded serenely, a very unusual response for the crotchety old cat. Then she spoke.

"The dam that holds the river blood will break. A flood that threatens to wash us away. The oakleaf warriors have arrived, it is only with them the clans can survive. Monsters soon will hunt the night, strange beasts that tear and rend asunder all that protects you from the water. " (AN did you like my poor attempt at a prophecy.)

"That was a rather long prophecy." Jaypaw mewed, a little shell shocked.

"I know" Yellowfang responded irritably, like usual, "I had to remember it. Don't you go forgetting it! I'm not going to repeat it again!"

Once again, Jaypaw was reminded of just how tired he was of prophecies. Vague as shit and marinated in stupidity, prophecies almost always told of misfortune, and Jaypaw, an apprentice of a mere fourteen moons, had received more of them than any other cat he knew of. He had been told maybe 30-something prophecies of varying degrees of intensity. Damn, he's so tired of this.

No one's POV
'Why does the snarkiest cat possible have to be the one to receive all the prophecies, I'm so tired of this.' Yellowfang was dirt tired, she had lived a long harrowing life and now that she was dead, she still couldn't get any sleep. Bluestar or Spottedleaf were always poking her said and being all, "Go give Jaypaw this prophecy, and this one too!" I mean, does he really need to know about every. Single. Time it's going to snow! Really! Mirroring her thoughts, she heard Jaypaw mew,

"I appreciate all the warnings and whatnot, but I really don't need to know about every single time it's going to snow, or rain, or be really hot, or every time someone in the clans is going to catch a cold, and what was with that one prophecy about Firestar sneezing! I mean, really?"

"Believe me I know." Yellowfang grumbled, "I'm not the one who keeps choosing to give you prophecies!"

"Then who is!" Jaypaw yowled back indignantly.

"Mainly Bluestar and Spottedleaf. They're always like, *in high falsetto* "Yellowfang, go give Jaypaw this prophecy, oh, and this one two, also he doesn't really need this one but give it to him anyway." Yellowfang huffed grumpily.

Jaypaw face palmed (AN face pawed? I dunno), "Please tell them to stop, it's super annoying. Firestar or Leafpool will ask me if I heard from Starclan, and I'll be like 'Yes, they say it's going to snow tomorrow', or I'll have to lie to my clan leader and say nothing."

Yellowfang snorted in a very undignified way. Honestly, it was freaking hilarious to imagine that interaction. She wondered if Bluestar might just be pranking Jaypaw, which, knowing Bluestar might not be too farfetched. Most cats thought of the large, blue she-cat as majestic and serious. That was an absolute lie, Bluestar purposely cultivated that appearance both for her clan's sake and because it meant no one ever considered blaming her for the ridiculous unexplained pranks that would occasionally occur around Thunderclan. Yeah, this was probably a prank, not that she was going to tell Jaypaw that.

"Yeah, I'll be sure to pass on the message" she mewed sarcastically.

Jaypaw, knowing that, despite the sarcasm, Yellowfang was completely serious, nodded his thanks. Yellowfang turned and walked out the clearing, fully intending to go right to sleep again, was intercepted by Bluestar. 'Tigerclaw's guts, what does she want now'. She proceeded to voice her thoughts,

"By Tigerclaw's guts, what do you want Bluestar! I delivered the prophecy, if you have another one go tell him yourself!"

"Yellowfang, you didn't tell him the whole prophecy!"




"BECAUSE IM NOT SUPPOSED TOO! YOU'RE SUP-, *whispers quietly* -chill out Bluestar, you are calm, you are the night sky, *aggressively whispers* YOU ARE A STAR. *Speaking to Yellowfang like she's a kit* Yellowfang, as a medicine cat, you are supposed to be the one to deliver prophecies to other medicine cats."

"Next time ask Spottedleaf instead. Goodbye." Yellowfang meows, somehow irritable and nonchalant at the same time. Then she walked away.

"Yellowfang, where are you going?! You need to deliver the rest of the prophecy to Jaypaw!" Bluestar yowled desperately.

Yellowfang was well and truly pissed off at this point.


"What do yo-"




Bluestar was done trying honestly. Her prank that had been working so beautifully was now backfiring, when it actually mattered! Yellowfang was no longer listening to her and there was an important prophecy to deliver! Guess this Bitch was going to have to do it herself. Tomorrow. Later. She was too tired right now.


A very confused Thunderclan patrol was standing at the shore of the lake. Two strange, half-drowned, cats were lying on the sand. Their scent wasn't that of any of the clans, but it wasn't rouge or kittypet scent either.

Upon closer inspection the cats were strange in more ways than their scent. The smaller one lying closer to the lake had strange tufted ears, and its pelt was like nothing the patrol had ever seen, in pattern and texture. The smooth dark gold fur was mottled with strips and blotches of brown, in a way that seemed to waver and disappear into the fine sand in places. The cat's long tail was tipped in the darkest of blacks, a color not found anywhere else on he cat save for the tips of it's ears. A strange thing for sure.

The second cat had a strange scruffy salt and pepper pelt. Unheard of! This mix of colors wasn't like speckles or mottling's, it was strange and new. Though the tom's fur was scruffy, it was a short haired pelt, which made the tail even stranger. This cat had the fluffiest damn tail any of the cats present had ever seen, completely incongruent with the rest of the cat's fur.

A confuddled Brackenfur stared down at the unconscious cats. What to do? Ah shit, he better decide soon, the gray one was waking up. Uhhhh….

And a Cliffhanger, sort of.

So, about Will's appearance, I have this weird stan thing about Will's mother that I picked up from another fanfiction, I don't remember which one, but essentially Will's mum was an Arridan, and these features reflect in his cat form, based mainly off caracals.

As for Halt, I found it funny for Halt to have a ridiculously fluffy tail.

Alex: Overly sarcastic Will is hilarious, though it could be better… I won't be here next chapter, by the way. I have an… outing to attend.

Max: This was a good chapter, not as good as it could be, and nowhere near a MLT, but good.

Valerie: Don't listen to him dear, it was wonderful, he's just a picky old cynic.

Max: That hurt Valerie, that hurt my soul.

Sadie: Props on your first chapter.

Carter: I'm glad you chose this story to be your first fanfiction, the others are a little… much, and also not done. I'm gonna go kill Sadie some more. Bye.

Will: A wonderfully humorous chapter, very enjoyable.

Jack: Fun, I approve. I'm going to go watch Carter kill Sadie, should be some entertainment there…


Alex: *Whispers while chasing me* ASPEN NO YOU CAN'T TELL THEM THAT… ARGH!

Lastly, please review? I want to get better at writing, but I'm socially awkward and unwilling to approach people with my work. I want to improve but can't bring myself to get advice, please help! Specifically, I would like to know how I did on length, dialogue, and vocab. Especially dialogue. Pretty sure that it's really bad. (You should have seen the first draft of Bluestar's and Yellowfang's conversation, it was horrible.)