2"Lesley Carmen Crush!"
The gentlemanly cowboy immediately stopped in his tracks, lest he run right into the blonde woman that suddenly stepped in front of him. In the few remaining days of his time here he'd been making an effort to not cause any problems that would reflect badly on Candace once he left…but the way this woman was glaring at him had him both scared and…slight excited? Where was that coming from?
"Um…ma'am?"
"Don't think you can just show up an nawt say hi to little old me!" She suddenly surged forward and wrapped her arms around Lesley's currently stiff shoulders. "Gawd, it's been so long since we've seen each other!"
…wut?
"…ma'am, please don't take this the wrong way, but…have we met before?"
"That's Polly, stupid!" Candace rebuked, giving her brother a light shove. "Remember? She used to babysit for us all the time!"
He looked back down at the woman hugging him, who was now giving a cheeky smile up at him. There definitely something familiar about her that he couldn't put his finger on…and whatever was poking him in the crotch wasn't helping.
"…Paulie Bendelson?"
"In the flesh!" Only then did Polly back up, having apparently gotten her satisfaction. "I know Lailani said you were handsome, but Oi didn't expect you to be this wicked good looking! What were they feeding you down South, fertiloizer?"
Yup, that was Polly.
"Oh my Lord, Paulie! What the hell are you doing here? And…" He looked his former babysitter up and down. "…I guess you finally got your wish to look like Marilyn Manson after all, huh?"
"Gettin' there, but Oi still have a bit to go."
"Well, you look fantastic already!"
"Aw, stawp it! You're gonna make me blush…~"
"I met Polly earlier in the year," Candace explained, "He he, I almost didn't recognize her either."
"Nearly broke moi heart, this one!"
Lesley chuckled. "Well, it's good to see you again! Not gonna lie, my stay here just got a little bit better now."
Now Polly was fully on blushing.
"Stawp it…!~"
After sharing breakfast with his old babysitter turned gorgeous TeleYouber icon Lesley and Candace headed out to go wander around the island for a while, mostly at his sister's insistence.
"…so there's this secret grotto that hardly no one knows about," she explained, dragging him along, "but it's actually really cool and pretty, and I only know about it cuz Nora told me about it one time; you're gunna love it!"
"I believe you, I believe you!" the poor man protested. "Could you slow down a bit? I almost tripped over three different rocks just now! …also, I think I just lost all feeling in my hand."
"Sorry!" She instantly slowed her pace and relaxed her grip on Lesley's wrist (though still kept hold). "I just really wanna show this to you."
"I get that, but it's not like it'll disappear if we take our time and smell the roses, right?"
"Oh, not these ones," Candace gestured to a cluster of peach-colored flowers along the path, "they actually smell really bad."
"No, I meant…never mind. Let's keep going, I wanna see if that place lives up to the hype." The flowers smelled kinda nice, actually...
Candace gave a large, beaming smile and continued leading her brother into the island. After a bit more walking and once they pushed through a cluster of vines emerged into a cozy little grotto with Tiki torches set up to give it some light. There was a natural basin on one side of the space, filled nearly to the brim with water. Moisture glistened on the walls, giving the place a somewhat magical look to it. Candace had been right on the money about this place.
He wasn't sure the five attractive ladies in various styles of bathing suits were a standard feature, though…
"Hey, Candy Cane…can I ask a question?"
"Sure!"
"Sweet, awesome! …what're all your friends doing here?"
"It's a surprise!" Candace said while doing jazz hands, "I need to…do a bunch of chores today, so I figured you could use some company so you don't get lonely."
Bless her heart, it was in the right place. However…
"You know…I also wouldn't mind more surfing lessons…"
"But then you'll make all my friends sad! You don't wanna make a bunch of girls sad, do you?"
…curse his proper upbringing and his sister's puppy dog eyes.
"*sigh*…alright, if it'll make them happy…"
"Yay!" She wrapped her arms around Lesley's shoulders, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. "I should be done by dinner time, so have fun until then, OK?" She then skipped off, waving goodbye to her brother.
Lesley took one more look at his companions for the time being. He recognized Abia and Lailani from before, but there was also a woman with red hair and a mischievous grin on her face, a slightly chubby-looking girl with a bad spray tan, and a dark-haired girl who looked like she wanted to be anywhere else but here right now.
Well, no sense in putting this off any longer.
"So ladies…care to join me in the pool there?"
It turned out that asking 5 amorous women to all share what amounted to a small tub wasn't Lesley's smartest idea. Not just because he was put on his back foot from his sister springing this on him, but it quickly became apparent that all 6 of them wouldn't fit in the pool at once.
And after a heated game of Odds or Evens to determine which lady got to go first, the dark-haired girl, Lillian was her name, was sitting next to him in the pleasantly warm water.
"So…," he said, trying to spark conversation with the broody young woman, "Inna da Poona sure is nice; I don't think I've ever seen somewhere more colorful."
"Like, it's the fucking worst?" she responded, "There's nothing but fucking greens and blues and oranges…this is, like, the only place that looks remotely fucking dark and spooky."
Lillian was…very assertive in her opinions.
"Hey...you don't go crazy when there's a full moon, do you?"
…what a weird question. "Um…no?"
"And how do you feel when you walk by a Red Cross?"
"The…same as anyone?"
"Fuck!" Lillian folded her arms over her chest. "I thought you might have some deep, dark secret, but I guess fucking not…!"
Lesley had to fight to keep his screaming internal.
"Like, I guess you haven't ever killed a goat either?"
"Well…there was one, actually," he said, sheepishly returning the back of his head (still clad in his Stetson.
"Wait, really? Fucking Metal…!"
It really wasn't; the poor thing had been terminally sick and had to be put down.
How long until the next lady had their turn again…?
"…and then, Nekoko-Chan does her special 'Lavu-Lavu Beamu' attack on the Kaiju, but it doesn't work cuz it's only 4 minutes into the episode, so she tries again, but before she can fire it the monster grabs her it's gooey tentacles and drags her in, and then…!"
His first mistake had been asking "Suki" what her interests were in an effort to get to know her better, which lead directly to his second mistake: asking her what anime was.
She hadn't taken a new breath for about 3 minutes…
"…only for a second ogre to show up, and-!"
"Hey, uh…Suki?"
"Hai?"
"I know I asked, but what about some of your other interests? You can't just like anime, right?"
Suki blinked at him a couple of times.
"…Suki?"
"Wah-tah-shee doesn't understand the question."
"What do you like besides anime?" Lesley repeated gently.
"…there's stuff besides anime?"
Hoo boy…
"Well, several things. There's books, movies, sports, horseback riding, NASCAR, medicine…"
More blinking.
"…you don't like none of that?"
"I like manga!"
"Oh, alright, that's something. And manga is…?"
"Anime in paper form, silly bay-kah!"
Oh.
Silly him.
OK, so the first two girls were a bit hard to talk to, but that was fine; there were still three others, one of which Lesley knew for sure could hold a normal conversation, and one who at least looked comparatively normal, at least compared to Lillian and Suki.
And Ashley Rosemary was who he now found himself sharing the pool with.
"So you're a cowboy, huh?" she asked, leaning back with her arms resting along the rim. "I know that's the stereotype for you yanks, but seeing you in person is somethin' else.~"
"I suppose I am," he shrugged. "I mean, I did grow up down south, and I worked on a ranch for a while…"
He was pointedly trying to ignore how Ashley was leering at him.
It was rather difficult.
"Um…Miss Ashley?"
"Oi, none of that formal shit with me, bucko! Just 'Ash' to my friends. 'Cunt' to my BFF's."
"Alright then…Ash, are you feeling OK? You've been kinda quiet for the last couple minutes."
"I'm fine, sweet cheeks.~ Why?"
Her eye-line was glued to his rather toned and defined torso.
"No reason…"
"What about you; you like what you see?~" She readjusted her position so that her bust sitting above the water, gesturing to herself with her akimbo hands.
He may have come off as a dumb hick due to his accent sometimes, but Lesley Carmen Crush was no one's fool; he could tell when someone was flirting with him.
So he gave one of his go-to responses for when a woman was coming on to him. "Platonically, you're very beautiful, but I'm of the mind that there's more to someone than just their looks. There's attitude, behaviors, their intentions-"
"Blah blah fuckin' blah! If you're gay, just say so!"
…more internal screaming.
"I simply believe in not leading women on, Miss Ashley."
"I thought I said to knock the formal shit off, huh? Fuck, why didn't we bring any Scotch with us?"
Even if he felt mutually attracted to her, Ashley was clearly too abrasive for his tastes.
He'd assumed Lailani would be the "normal one" compared to the other ladies.
"…mmmmm…~"
She'd just been laying against his chest for the past 10 minutes.
"…hey, Laila-"
"Shhhh…" Without looking, she put a finger to his lips, preventing him from speaking. "Don't ruin the moment…~"
He (mentally) sighed, resigning himself to his most recent fate.
While he wasn't actively enjoying this, it wasn't anything he couldn't handle; he'd let kids on his lap occasionally, and with how petite Lailani was it wasn't too dissimilar from that.
Besides, he didn't want to accidentally pop a boner by thinking of Marko sitting in Lailani's place.
Well, there was only one more of Candy Cane's friends to entertain, and they couldn't be as bad as all the other-
"Because she's part of airport security," Zoey explained later that day as Lesley nursed an orange-flavored smoothie, looking flushed and out of breath, "she's supposed to be able to chase down troublemakers before they get away. I've rarely met someone able to outpace her."
"Yeah, no foolin'…" He took another sip of his frozen beverage. "…Miss Zoey, can I tell you something?" he asked, hesitant.
"Of course; there will be absolutely no judgment from me."
"I appreciate that. …well…you know I love my sister, right? Candy Cane's one of the sweetest girls you'll ever meet, but…sometimes she's not really the brightest bulb in the toolshed, even though she means well."
Zoey nodded. "That aligns with the impression of her I received."
"She doesn't pick up on subtlety sometimes, and…I think I need to tell her that I'm gay," he admitted, "but I'm scared of how she'll take hearing that her baby brother likes to…make the hot dogs fight each other…"
"Wow…," Zoey marveled, "I can honestly say I've never heard that particular euphemism before." She put a hand on his shoulder. "Lesley, I can tell you're conflicted about this decision: your aura is quite dark and purple right now. If you'd like me to come along for moral support, I will."
"…you know what? That sounds great. Thanks, Miss Zoey."
"It is no trouble." She stood up, offering Lesley a hand. "I have an idea where your sister might be if you'd like to meet her now?"
Lesley thought for a moment, his brow briefly furrowing. "Actually, could I finish my smoothie first? I still kinda winded."
"Of course. Whenever you're ready."
"I wonder how Lesley's doing?" wondered Candace, currently twerking right in some dude's face, "I know I asked everyone to keep him company, but do you think I should've asked anyone else?"
"I think you should just tell him what you do here," Nora responded. She was standing to the side, completely unfazed by her roommate's current state of dress. Which is to say: not much. "There's only so many places you can actually go on this island, and eventually he's gonna get curious why you keep avoiding this one."
Candace looked over her shoulder as she jiggled her chest for the man, "You really think so?"
"Candace trust me: the more obvious you are about hiding something, the more interested people will be in what you're hiding. Especially if they're the fuzz."
"But Lesley's not fuzzy!"
"No, I meant…never mind. Look, you should probably come clean with him before he randomly walks through the door and sees you workin' the pole and gets scarred for life."
This got Candace to pause in her titillation efforts. The man she was entertaining started to protest, but one good glower from the chola shut him right up.
"Well…alright, if you say so," Candace reluctantly agreed. "…could you come with me? I don't know if I can do it by myself."
"Yeah, no problem, chica." Nora then gestured to the man, "You may as well finish your act, though."
"OK!~"
The twerking resumed.
For a place called the "Titty Twister", Lesley was expecting it to look closer to the strip clubs he'd visited in college (he always volunteered to be the designated driver for his friends). Instead, he was greeted by decor that looked closer to a TGI Friday's than a nudie bar.
There were still several young women in various states of undress walking around or dancing up on the stage, occasionally winking in Lesley's direction when they passed by. He of course smiled and waved back, but otherwise refrained from interacting too much; Zoey had briefly excused herself to use the restroom, so he was just standing by the front entrance until she returned.
He had no idea why she'd insisted they come here to find Candace, of all places…
"Hey there, Mister.~" a woman with short-cropped black hair with green highlights said, sidling up to him. While her outfit couldn't truthfully be called "clothes", it was at least on par with the bikinis he'd seen other guests wear. "What's a big, strong man like you doing over here all by yourself?~"
"My friend needed to use the restroom, so I'm waiting for them to finish up," he smoothly explained. "I'm actually here to talk with my sister, and they're here for moral support."
The girl scoffed. "Here? Dude, either you're terrible at picking family meet-ups, or your sister is kinkier than you realize."
"Heh, I don't think that's the case," Lesley assured her. "Anyway, I'll be fine on my own, Darlin'; I'm sure the other customers would appreciate you paying them a little mind."
The woman scoffed and headed off, clearly annoyed that she'd lost out on some potential tips.
In any case, there wasn't much else to do but wait until Zoey came back so they could find Candace.
Still…here? Why would Candy Cane be at a strip club?
"UGH! Stupid, cheap ass piece of…!"
"What's the matter, Temperance?" Candace asked as her disgruntled peer stomped past her. "Did someone try to write you a check again?"
"No! Some wannabe cowboy's loitering by the front door, and he told me to fuck off! Can you believe his fucking nerve?"
"Well, that ain't nice." Candace put her hands on her hips. "You want me to go tell him off?"
"Um, please? And kick his cheap ass in the balls while you're at it!" "Temperance" then headed towards backstage, grabbing a cigarette from one of the other patrons on the way and taking a drag before disappearing behind the curtains.
Well, Candace wasted no time in heading to the front of the club, ready to teach that mean guy not to be so mean to a nice girl like Temperance. She had to squeeze past some of the patrons (no doubt making their evenings) to get there, but when she did she almost forgot to stop walking. Leaning next to the front door, fanning himself with a very familiar Stetson, was her little, baby brother, apparently checking his watch.
She immediately ducked behind a nearby standing lamp, using the shade to block her face. (Not that the rest of it did a remotely good job of hiding her voluptuous figure, mind.)
How in the world was Lesley here of all places? She had the perfect plan to distract him, too!
This was bad...not only was her brother going to be scarred for life, but he might even find out that she worked here, and that was worse!
However, before she could do anything, one of the more troublesome patrons walked up to Lesley and started talking with him. She sadly couldn't hear what was being said, but it looked like he was being very aggressive. To his credit, Lesley didn't look like whatever was being said phased him at all.
Until the patron sucker-punched her brother right in the gut, sending Lesley crumpling to the floor.
Well, that was the last straw! She stood up to her full 6' height and stomped over to the man, tapping him on the shoulder.
The man whirled around. "What? …what do you want, bitch? I'm busy."
"That's my brother you just punched."
"Yeah, so what? What's a little slut like you gonna do about iIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
The man crumpled to the floor once Candace withdrew her foot from his scrotum. "Nobody hurts my family!"
The man whimpered, while Lesley coughed as he tried to get his breath back.
"And don't call girls 'bitch' neither. That's rude," she said, grabbing the now sobbing man by the back of his collar and waistband, lifting him up. She then nudged the door open with her foot and tossed him outside, dusting her hands off.
By this point Lesley had managed to recover and stand back up. "Ugh…guess I'm not as fit as I thought…"
"You OK, Little Brother?" Candace asked, rushing over to Lesley's side, "Are you bleeding, do you need me to get a bandaid?"
"No, I'm-" His eyes suddenly went so wide they nearly popped out of his skull. "Candace, what the hell?! I thought Mama told you not to ask around without your shit on?"
It was at that moment that both Nora and Zoey returned to their respective partners.
"Candy, qué pasó? I just saw you fuck a guy up-"
"Are you OK, Lesley? There was a sudden wave of negative energy coming from this direction-"
Then they both noticed the Crush siblings were standing next to each other.
"Oh…"
The rest of the ladies all loitered outside of Nora and Candace's shared abode as they, Zoey, and Lesley all sat inside having a much-needed conversation.
"What do you think they're saying?" Lailani wondered. "They've all been in there for over twenty minutes now…"
"Fuck if I know," Ashley shrugged, "They all looked like they were on their way to their own funerals. …except for Zoey, I can never tell what's on her mind."
"Prawbably somethin' serious." Polly gestured to a repentant-looking Abia, "Awbia said that somethin' happened at the club, right?"
"Mhmm…"
"But none of them looked hurt, and Hentai-Chan was wearing a t-shirt," Suki pointed out, "that's never happened before!"
All the girls gave an affirmative nod at that point.
"Um…question?" Lillian spoke up, "Why the fuck aren't we trying to listen in on them?"
"Because it's wrong," Lailani and Polly said in unison.
"Plus, Nora's probably on the other side making sure we don't do exactly that, and she's not afraid to hit a girl. Sorry, Cuz."
"Fucking whatever…"
"I don't know what came over me," Abia mused, twirling a bit of her hajib on her finger, "all he said was 'not too hot for you?'…"
"Well, I wanna know how you ended up unconscious outside the Titty Twister. You sorta just took off from the grotto when Crush-San started running."
Abia's response was to blush harder.
Before she could muster up the courage to respond verbally the door creaked open, the chola maid poking her head out.
"Is Abia gonna behave?" she asked, to which they all nodded, Abia included. Satisfied with the answer, Nora opened the door the rest of the way and stepped aside, allowing the other three occupants to step into the hallway.
Lesley and Candace both looked equal parts exhausted and relieved, the cowboy's arm wrapped around his sister's shoulder. Zoey followed behind them, her usual enigmatically serene expression in place.
Polly was the first to speak up. "Is everything alroight?" she asked.
"Mhmm," Candace nodded, "we did a lot of talking…"
"Some of us more than others," Lesley added. He glanced over at Zoey, "You were right, Zoey, Candy Cane really was understanding. You sure you ain't related to Miss Cleo?"
A sharp inhale. "…if anyone needs me, I will be meditating these aggressive feelings away in my crystal garden." Then she turned heel and, stiffly, walked off.
Lesley couldn't for the life of him understand what he said wrong.
"So what'd you lot talk about?" Ashley said, mostly ignoring the petulant clairvoyant. "…you both in some kinda forbidden romance now?~"
Nora smacked her upside the head.
"Please answer before someone else says something stupid…?" Lailani pleaded.
"Well," Candace started, "I told Lesley what I do here-"
"-and I'm out of the closet now-"
Polly instantly threw her arms around Lesley, squeezing him tightly.
"Oh moi gawd, that's so wondahful! Oi'm so proud of you, sweetie!"
"Thanks!" he grunted, "…I'd like to start breathing again, if that's alright…?"
Abia stood up, twiddling her fingers. "So…I'm sorry for chasing you all over the island," she said as Candace helped to pry her brother free of Polly's vice-like hug, "and I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable…there weren't really a lot of gay men where I grew up, so I guess I couldn't see the signs."
"Bitch, I work in the fashion industry and I couldn't tell!" Ashley suddenly exclaimed, "The fuck are you complaining about?"
Lesley held his hand up. "It's fine, Abia, no harm done. I get similar reactions wherever I go, though granted I don't get as many sobering realizations about my cardio."
"Thank you." She blushed again. "…do you think you'd mind still doing butt stuff?"
"ABIA!"
"I'm sorry, I was just curious!"
"Anyway," Nora annunciated, "Cowboy put his baggage on the table, then Candace did hers." Then she turned to Lesley, "I wasn't gonna say anything while you two were talking, but shit, you two had kind of a repressed childhood, yo!"
"It wasn't so bad," Candace shrugged, "I did get to dance a lot."
Lesley chuckled and pat Candace's shoulder. "We sorta did, kinda. But in the end, I realized that I was so worried about the image of me that Candy Cane had, I didn't realize I was doing the same thing for her."
"You'll always be my little brother," she said, embracing Lesley's shoulders in a hug, "being gay ain't gonna change that!"
"And you'll be my sister no matter what you do to earn a living," Lesley added, reciprocating the hug.
There was a collective "Awww…!~" from the rest of the ladies.
Lesley took a deep breath as he stood at the top of the beach, staring down at the sunset lit waves and the object of his affections currently floating in on his surfboard.
Damn his heart for trying to escape his ribcage whenever he looked in the surfer's direction!
He glanced behind him, meeting the eyes of all the ladies he'd met over the past couple of days, his sister in particular. They'd all given him advice on how to approach his crush, but that didn't stop his body from acting outside his control. However, between the look of support she was giving him or the thumbs up that accompanied it, he felt like he could actually do this.
"This ain't so bad, Lesley Carmen, you're just sayin' hello! Ain't like you get weak-kneed every time he so much as looks in your general direction, or you get excited at the sight of his glistening pecks, or have to keep from swooning at his deep, soft voice…wanna trace all those tattoos he's got…"
"You know you talk to yourself out loud, right?"
Lesley felt all the blood in his body rush to his head- yes, the one with his face on it, you pervs!- all at once as he suddenly realized Marko had made his way over to him while he was fretting.
How the H E double hockey sticks did that happen?
"I do now," he managed to respond. "…that's not weird, is it…?"
"I dunno…I usually just let people do their own thing, man. Unless they're being massively uncool, then I have to step in and do something about it. So you're cool, my dude."
Now Lesley felt his heart go all aflutter.
"So, like, who were you talking about just now? He sounds like a pretty awesome guy with how you were describing him."
…was he serious?
"Um…I was actually talking about you, Marko."
"Wait, really? Rad…! And you even know my name already! This must be kismet."
…he just say "kiss me"?
"Well…if you don't already have any plans for tonight, maybe we could grab some dinner together?"
"And go over your surfing from the other day since you kinda ran off? Sure, brah, I'm totally down!" He stuck his board into the sand before slinging an arm over Lesley's shoulder. "So, I don't know if you know this, but the hotel actually has a restaurant in it? That's, like…crazy, right?"
"Well then, lead the way!" Lesley was kind of completely over the moon right now. "Unless you want to put a shirt on, of course."
"Nah, it's cool, brah; I prefer eating out on the patio, anyway. When the right breeze hits, you can still smell the ocean. I don't need a shirt for that."
Fuckin' score!
"Good job, Little Brother!" Candace stage whispered as Lesley and Marco headed off to the hotel restaurant.
"Oi hope he and Mawko work out," Polly said, fanning herself. "He was awlways a good kid, he deserves to be happy."
"I'm just glad he and Candace were able to be honest with each other," Nora remarked, "Sometimes these things can turn sour muy rapido, so it's good that you and he are still getting along."
"Fucking wish he was a vampire, though..." Thanks, Lillian.
"You know...," Lailani shrugged, "...I can't lie, I'm a little disappointed that he's off the market now-"
"I know, right?" Abia interjected.
"-but I'm still happy for him."
Ashley took that opportunity to nudge Abia with her elbow, "Nothin' stopping us from looking though, eh?~"
"Please restrain yourself, ladies," Zoey cautioned, "Let Lesley explore this side of him."
"...hey, chot-oh matty!" Suki suddenly exclaimed, "Yaoi-Kun's hands were normal-sized!"
fin.