.

El thinks she knows what sadness sounds like; it sounds like Joni Mitchell singing about lost love and maps of Canada. She listens to it on repeat after she moves to New Mexico with the Byers. She lies on the living room floor and wishes she were still in Hawkins with Mike while I could drink a case of you darling and I would still be on my feet plays over and over again in her head.

If hearing the same song over and over again bothers her new brothers, they don't say anything. They leave her alone, carefully sidestepping her when she's in the mood to wallow and miss Mike.

Sometimes Joyce joins her, sitting near an open window and smoking outside. She doesn't say anything, but El can't help and wonder if maybe she misses Hopper more than she's letting on. The only time they talk about it is when El wakes up with nightmares, crying for her adopted father, longing for Mike.

And even then, it's about how El is feeling. Never about Joyce.

But El gets the sense that maybe Joyce misses Hopper in a way she will never miss Mike. There are promises of Thanksgiving and Christmas visits. They will see each other again during spring and summer break. There's no reason to think Hop is still out there alive somewhere. No sign or hope that he's going to return to them eventually. Joyce is the perfect company for drowning in the depths of despair.

Sadness has a sound and it sounds like Joni Mitchell singing, she said 'go with him, stay with him if you can.'

.

Mike's visiting for the weekend and they're lying under the stars, listening to Dream A Little Dream of Me coming from the living room. There's a warm breeze and it's one of the loveliest nights she's had in a long time if only because they're together.

"Dream a little dream of me," Mike says to her, only loud enough for her to hear.

El doesn't say anything in reply, what she doesn't tell him is that she always dreams the sweetest little dreams of him. Instead, she hums along with the music and reaches for his hand. He intertwines their fingers and doesn't say anything else. They spend the rest of the night in comfortable silence and she dreams girlish dreams of a lifetime with an infinite amount of nights spent under the stars just like this.

She doesn't know how impractical it seems, that may be forever isn't meant for the two of them but she cannot wait for forever to come around.

.

"I love you," Mike tells her.

It is the first time that he says it full-chested and just for her, not a hurried confession to their friends because he's terrified that he's going to lose her again and he needs to make them understand.

El's heart skips a beat. She knows he loves her, of course, she does. But hearing him say it again, less frantically… slowly, just the two of them at midnight, whispering conversations because everyone else is asleep and they're supposed to be asleep too instead of talking on the phone.

"I know," she teases him, causing him to laugh as she quotes Han Solo to him. She pauses for a second. "It took you long enough to say it again," she says.

"Yeah well…" Mike replies almost sheepishly.

"I love you too," El says, pressing her face against the window and looking up at the moon, she imagines Mike's doing the same thing miles away and sighs almost dreamily, there's not much more to say. So she listens to her music and Mike's gentle breathing on the other end until they both decide they can't keep their eyes open anymore and they realize they've probably run up the phone bill (and they'll both hear about that the next time their parents open it when it comes in the mail).

.

They're together again for the first time in what seems like forever and it's just the two of them. Joyce took a late shift and Will is going to a movie with some of his artsy friends from school.

The next thing El knows, Mike's suggesting they move the coffee table and is putting a record on the record player.

"Mike?" El asks, standing in the center of the room unsure of what he's doing.

"Don't worry, I'll put everything back before Joyce gets home."

El's not worried about Joyce though, she's pretty lenient when it comes to stuff like rearranging furniture and making messes. She just doesn't know what Mike's thinking or planning. Not that she's worried, it's always something nice.

"Mike, what are you doing?" El asks again as the song starts to play, another old one that Hopper used to play sometimes at night while he was half paying attention to them while she and Mike sat at the table, eating ice cream and playing games like Rummy and Monopoly.

Some nights, they would dance a little bit. Giggling as they tripped over things and annoying Hopper in the process before he told them to leave him alone and ordered them to another part of the cabin.

"Leave the door three inches open!" he had commanded them, a rule that still follows them even now.

He doesn't answer her, instead, he puts his arms around her and together they move around the living room, swaying to the music.

My darling be home soon, it's not just these few hours, but I've been waiting since I toddled for the great relief of having you to talk to

El sighs. She misses this, she misses him… and the life, the life they had before. Before Hopper died, before she had to move away.

Before…

Before….

"Maybe one day we won't have to say goodbye," Mike murmurs.

El looks at him, startled. "Not say goodbye? What are you talking about?"

Mike shrugs, there's an unspoken word hanging in the air between them. She knows it, he knows it. She wants him to say it, she has a clue to what it is.

But whatever it is, would feel like make-believe right now.

She sighs again and rests her head against his chin.

They're quiet for the rest of the duration of the song.

.

El can hear a song playing on the jukebox. She recognizes it as another sad song Joyce would play on rainy nights when she was thinking about Hopper. It seems like such a distant memory now.

Before…

Before…

Before when Hopper was presumed dead. Before Joyce went off with Muarry to find him. Before El was doing… well, whatever the hell it was she is doing. She pushes her cold, stale waffle through a puddle of sticky maple syrup, her shoulders drooping.

She wonders if Mike is wondering where she is or if he's looking for her at all. Trying to talk to her like he did in the not-so-distant past.

She wonders why she decided to wander off by herself all over again.

She still hasn't found what she's looking for and she doesn't think she ever will.

El throws some money on the table, the last of whatever she has left, and grabs her backpack before darting out of the diner.

She wonders if there will ever be a time when she and Mike won't ever be apart.

And they lived happily ever after.

White veils and promises…

Forever seems like it won't ever come. It seems so impossibly far away, and right now, she's not even sure she'll live to see forever.

.

Except, it's not her fighting for her life a month later in a hospital in the middle of nowhere. It's Mike. Mike, who sacrificed himself for her… she paces the hospital waiting room floor, shaking like a leaf and trying not to cry while Hopper tries to convince her to let a doctor look at her.

There's a sad song playing on the radio at the nurse's station and it's the only thing she's aware of.

I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time… walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme, you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me

"Everything's going to be okay," Will assures her as he comes up beside her and tries to get her to sit down.

Hey, that's no way to say goodbye…

El can't believe him. Nothing is ever okay for them, not even when it is okay. Eventually, things aren't okay, she can't allow herself to hope this time will be any different.

.

Except for a few days later, Karen is ushering into Mike's room and listening to her tell him that El is there to see him. There's silence, complete silence except for the beeping of hospital machinery that tells her Mike is still very much alive.

He opens his eyes just a little bit and shoots her a dopey, lazy smile. El almost wants to cry in relief when she sees him vaguely coherent.

"Go and talk to him," Karen encourages, giving her a gentle push into the room before closing the door behind her.

El is a tangle of emotions as she stumbles over to him and sits herself down on the edge of his bed. She doesn't know what to say to him. She is so overwhelmed, she thinks all she really wants to do is cry.

Mike takes her hand, cold hands in an equally cold hand, and smiles at her again. The same dopey, drugged-up smile from a few seconds ago.

"It's okay," he tells her.

"Mike…" she trails off, for a second she wants to tell him that she can take care of herself and not to be so stupid the next time.

Because she knows there will be a next time.

But she doesn't say it.

Instead, she kisses his hand and sighs. "You scared me to death Mike," she says shakily.

"Yeah, well… I was actually pretty close to death," Mike jokes.

El laughs weakly. "It's not funny."

"No, it's not."

But they both burst into laughter again, despite themselves.

.

It's a lovely night, early in summer. There's not a cloud in the sky and the stars are glittering, like a broken silver gel pen scattered across black construction paper. It's years and years after everything. It's been peaceful for so long, it almost feels like everything before was a nightmare. It feels like a Stephan King story.

El thinks sometimes that it couldn't have been their life. That it was just something Mike had constructed for a long session of D&D, but it was.

Except for tonight, in a white slip dress, with a bouquet of wilted wildflowers, while she dances with her new husband to a Nick Drake song under an impossibly beautiful sky, she lets it feel like make-believe.

The End

.

This story has been a long time coming. I started writing it pretty much after I posted "365 Days", but everything I wrote felt like garbage. So I let it go. The last few years have been a complete nightmare, which is nothing special to me, I know. But I decided at the beginning of this year that I needed to start writing again. So I slowly started to construct this story. I hope you liked it and that it wasn't too confused. If you did, feel free to leave me a review.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.