Dr Who: Tits and Dick-mentions in space!

Episode 1: Rose strikes a pose, and gets fucked

Rose Tyler was a pretty fucking useless human, she had a dead end job and looked a bit like the failed singer Billie Piper. As she pressed her alarm, signalling the dread kicking in prior to work, her mum kicked her bedroom door off the hinges.

"You still here, bitch?" Rose's mum cried out.

"Obviously," Rose stated whilst pulling her thong out of her crusty minge, "I'm off to my shitty job in a minute, so make me some fucking toast".

Rose's mum slapped rose, right on the tuppence!

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Rose screamed in pain.

"You can stop being a little cunt today, an all!" Rose's mum suggested.

Rose looked at the time.

"Oh fucking hell, I'm late!" Rose stated. She then jumped straight out of the window.

"What the fuck?" Rose's mum shouted, "We are on the top floor of these flats!"

Rose popped her limbs back into place after the 12 story high fall and ran to work, nearly being hit by a car. She clocked in and her boss looked at her with disgust.

"You're not even in your uniform, Rose!" She said.

Rose looked down and saw she was only wearing her tight thong, with was barely thicker than a small string.

"Oh yeah, I had some woman troubles or something" Rose lied through her stinky pants, "Have we got spares?"

The manager went and got her some gross clothes from the lost and found.

5 hours later, at the end of her shift. Rose went into the back room to collect some clothes security tags or something. She heard a loud bang in the dark corners, too far for rose to properly see.

"Hello?" She cried out whilst scratching her pussy.

No reply came.

"Stop fucking messing about, you stupid cunts!"

Suddenly, she could hear footsteps coming faster and faster towards her bones.

"What did you just say?" A voice cried out. It was the shop manager.

"Oh, erm. I'm sorry" Rose said insincerely, "I was just scared, and the stockroom assistants sometimes try and rape me in here so I didn't-".

The manager interrupted her with anger, "You're fucking fired, you rapeable freak!"

Suddenly, a plastic hand punched through the managers eyes and ripped them out of his skull. A surge of blood coated Rose Tylers tits. She felt an arm grab her.

"Run!" A man in a leather coat says, whilst dragging Rose Tyler's corpse like body through a spacious corridor. Freaky little plastic men follow in pursuit.

"What the bladdy 'ell in goin' on!?" Rose asked in a cockney accent.

The man quickly applies duct tape to her spacious mouth to shut her up and precedes to escape the building.

They push through the fire exit.

"I'm gonna fucking blow this building up! Don't tell anyone, not even you're stupid mother!" The leather coated man threatens whilst flashing her the V sign.

He presses a button and the building explodes, causing Rose and the man to fly back several feet from the shockwave effects. When the pair regain consciousness, Rose climbs on top of the man.

"I've never been so grateful and sexually aroused in my life" She screams, "Please, fuck me".

The doctor then removes the duct tape from her mouth.

"Sorry, love. Didn't get a word of that". He states, "but I'm off now. Forget me Rose. And this shop. And my silly, silly windows."

The next day, Rose rose out of bed like the girl from the exorcist during the exorcism. Rose's mum walked into the bedroom, saw rose floating and walked straight out.

Eventually Rose left her weird floaty stupor and fell back into bed, Rose's mum walked back in after hearing her landing.

"No point getting up Darlin'" she mocked, "Not got a job to go to. Lazy whore".

Rose was very upset and starting to cry, "It's not my fault I was born", She screamed whilst eating a few custard creams left on her bedside table.

"There was a man there," Rose said, breaking her vow not to tell anyone, "He blew up the building, he wore a black leather jacket".

Rose's mum rolled her eyes, "This is so interesting, I'm just gonna listen" She mocked then slammed the door behind her.

Rose went on google on her iPhone 13 pro max. She googled: "weird man in black leather jacket, northern accent". After sifting through many porn sites, she found a website saying "Have you seen this ugly cunt?"

She clicked it and it was the man from that night. It said underneath the picture, "Come to my house, and we can chat about this weird man. Totally legit".

Rose jumped out the window, making her way to the freaky man from the internet.

Outside the building, she had brought her boyfriend with her for protection.

"I don't think you should be going to weird random men's houses from off the internet!" Mickey the BF replied.

"But that's how I met you!" Rose replied, "anyway, don't worry. I won't be long. And watch out for weird moving bins".

Mickey looked confused, "what does that mean?" He inquired, but she had already left.

Rose approached the door, which had a scary looking knocker on it. It was shaped like a fat man with a little chode. She banged on it no more than 3 times.

The door swung open faster than a gazelle, so not as fast as a cheetah.

"What do you want!?" A voice boomed through the ring doorbell.

Rose slightly pissed herself.

"Well, Er," She said timidly, "I have come because I saw a northern bloke in a black leather jacket-"

The man became very aroused. "Oh you mean, the doctor!?"

Rose looked a bit shocked, "Well, he didn't look like one but-".

The man ran off and came back with a black and white photo. It was off the man she had met before, only this time he was completely naked and shagging some bird whilst the titanic was sinking.

"But that's in the past!" She screamed.

"Yes", the man interjected, "He can travel through time!"

Rose looked disappointed. "You are obviously a fucking moron!"

She slapped the man and ran back to the car.

As she walked back to the car, Mickey fell out of a wheel bin.

"What the fuck, Mickey!" She angrily shouted, "I told you to watch out for the bins!".

"Pizza!" Mickey screamed like a freak. "Pizza!"

Rose ignored him and drove them both away to dinner, for some reason picking a pizzeria.

As they both sat down, Mickey kept saying odd things.

"Where's the doctor, babe, boyfriend, babe, doctor".

Rose tried to ignore her insane boyfriend.

"Are you ordering the 20 inch pizza, babe?" Rose inquired like a bitch.

"Pizza!" Mickey screamed.

"Yes, I know dear." Rose said patronisingly, "I know you want pizza!".

"Champagne?!" A voice cried out to the pair.

"I didn't order no fucking champagne!" Mickey angrily shouted.

"It is champagne for you, sir" The voice shouted

The pair looked around, and the doctor was stood there with champagne.

"If you don't want the champagne," The doctor said, "maybe you'd like this instead".

The doctor reveals a sawn off shotgun and headshots Mickey. Rose screams as his brains roll down her face slowly.

"What the actual fucking cunt did you do?" She asks calmly.

"Don't worry" The doctor mansplains, "It wasn't the real Mickey, he was a plastic imitation!"

Rose looks disgruntled, "If he was a plastic imitation, which by the way sounds fucking made-up, he wouldn't have human organs and blood, would he?!"

At this very moment, a strange looking vinyl skinned Mickey walks out of the bathroom and over to the doctor and Rose. He is shaped like an action figure with clear seams where the arms and legs bend. He squeaked as he walked.

"I, Be, not, plastic." The other Mickey said.

"See," the doctor cried out, "told you. Only the real Mickey would say he wasn't plastic. Now run for your pissing life".

The doctor grabbed Rose's hand and pulled her forcefully away from the table. Outside, every plastic mannequin and vibrating dildo broke out of the shop windows and was terrorising the streets. They all had shotguns and were killing everyone in sight.

"How are they any worse than you?" Rose sensibly questioned.

The doctor completely ignored her and stubbed his cigar out on her pussy lips.

"Hmm," he inquired, "they must be beaming a signal out from somewhere that can control the plastic".

Rose did a small shit on the floor, as she hadn't been yet and everyone else in London was doing it anyway.

"What about the London eye?" Rose whispered.

"Oh don't be fucking stupid" The doctor stated, "oh wait, what about the last eye"

They very quickly ran 12 miles over to the newly rebranded London eye and climbed into a small grate that lead beneath it.

Underneath the London eye, was a disgusting plastic-like puddle which resembled type 7 stool.

"Look you," The doctor spoke to the puddle, "You better stop making plastic alive, or I'll get really mad".

The plastic formed itself into a beautiful sex doll and walked up to the doctor. It tongued the doctor and he closed his eyes with passion. He then penetrated the creature many many times, all while rose watched.

Eventually, after about 3 hours, he stopped fucking the plastic creature of Muldoon, or wherever it was from.

"Oh" the plastic creature said, "Is that a flashlight in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"

The creature forked inside the pocket and found a strange vial with multi-coloured liquid. It screamed and transformed into a 50 foot demonic creature with 10 heads.

"You have plastic poison in there!" It screamed, "You were gonna kill me!"

The doctor looked offended, "Only a little bit," he stated.

The creature slapped the vial out of his hand and grew a massive cock, which he inserted into Christopher Ecclestone's mouth, suffocating him.

Rose woke up from her sleep.

"Doctor, are you ok?" Rose inquired.

The doctor tried to speak but it was muffled.

"What?" Rose said, "I can't hear you. You've got a cock in your mouth, did you know that? You, have got a cock, in there" She pointed at his whore mouth. The doctor angrily grunted in response as tears filled his eyes.

Rose continued to be oblivious, "it sounds like when GG was sucking black cock" Rose stated, knowing full well not many would get the reference.

She then saw the weird poison vial.

"What the fuck is this?" She cried. The Doctor tried furiously to tell her to throw it at the monster but Rose interpreted it wrong.

"Put it in my vagina?" Rose checked if she was right. The doctor angrily flailed about.

"Ah," Rose said "That must be right!"

She very aggressively inserted it into her pussy. As she did so, the poisonous liquid rejected her pussy lips and fired itself out rapidly and directly at the plastic creatures face.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" The creature cried out as it's face fucking melted away. It very slowly and very very painfully died.

"Oh shit!" Rose said, "I killed it".

"Yes." The doctor said, now being able to speak, "And thank God you did. I'm fairly certain it was evil".

They both ran out and saw that all the mannequins had stopped being evil now. Rose's mum ran out to Rose.

"Oh Rose, my love", she stated in a frantic manner, "There were these fucking plastic men, and they tried to rape me".

Rose shot her a disbelieving gaze, "No-one would rape you mother!" She stated.

Rose's mum then looked at the doctor.

"Oooh hello" she said whilst fluffing up her hair and pussy, "whose this sexy piece of ass with you?"

The doctor vomited on the floor and looked at her, "I'm the doctor" he stated.

"A doctor?" Rose's mum screamed, "I need my pussy inspecting, do you mind?"

The doctor paused momentarily and then smacked her with the butt of his shotgun. She was near death.

"Doctor!" Rose screamed, "I know she's a fucking cunt, but you can't just do that!"

The doctor was not interested. "Do you wanna travel in time and space with me, or not?" He stated, "cause it's probably best to kill off all your relatives now, so they don't miss you".

Rose laughed, "My relatives wouldn't miss me," she stated, "they still think I'm a virgin".

The doctor looked uneasy, "Well, put your clothes on. And I'll buy you an ice cream."

Rose looked down and realised she had been naked for some time. After a quick vienetta, the doctor showed rose his big blue tardis. She raced in and quickly hit the other side of it.

She then ran back out.

"Oh" She stated, "I thought it might be bigger on the inside or something?".

The doctor looked bemused, "Why the fuck would you think that?" He stated, "it's a small police box, and I'm not a fucking magician".

They both crammed themselves into the very small box.

"This seems very inconvenient" Rose stated as her lungs collapsed due to the doctors elbow being embedded into her ribs.

"Oh Rose", the doctor excitedly spoke, "I can't wait to show you the wonders of the universe. Where do you wanna go?"

Rose pondered, "Well," she stated, "If I could go anywhere, absolutely anywhere at all in time, I think I'd probably choose to go back to a week last Tuesday".

The doctor looked pissed off, "why?" He angrily retorted.

"Well, I did all the laundry, and then I watched TV. Wow, I won't see the like of those sorts of days again!"

The doctor stated her across the chops.

"Right, fuck it" he shouted, "i'm taking us to the end of earth, cause you humans deserve to fucking die!"

Right guys, hope you enjoyed it. I ran this by Christopher Ecclestone first, and he absolutely loved it, he also said Russel T. Davis is a wanker and that I clearly should have been in charge of Dr. Who instead. What will happen with the doctor next? Probably something along the lines of season 1 episode 2, to be honest.