Breaking into a castle of the Devil King is a serious challenge, one that only the most elite adventurers can even hope to accomplish. And here was little old me, only level five, and already leading an elite team on this expedition. The name of Chris the Thief was going to go down as a legend.

Now, granted, I was also riding high on certain other benefits of my circumstances, but I can't help being so incredibly awesome, can I?

I mean, I even tried to set my luck to a normal level, honest! But when you're as good as I am, things just…happen.

"Alright, ladies," I whispered to Yunyun and Darkness, peeking over the ridge towards the castle. "Do we understand the plan?"

"W-we have to rescue Megumin!" Yunyun whispered, looking serious and blushing. Did she have a crush on Megumin? I couldn't remember. Meh, they'd be cute together. Maybe I'd get them to hook up. It depended on how bored I got while I was on "vacation."

"Yes, we cannot allow Pervzuma to hold captive any other maidens! We shall free them, and I shall ensure he never abuses another woman!" Darkness declared, blushing even more deeply and panting heavily.

Which I figured was her way of saying that from now on, she was the only girl Kazuma was going to be allowed to do that sort of thing to. Sheesh. Was I the only one on this team without my mind in the gutter?

"You leave Aqua to me," I ordered sternly. "Darkness, you find Pervzuma, and…well, I'm sure you can handle it. Yunyun, you get Megumin out of the castle."

"Y-yes! I-I'll make sure Megumin is safe! W-we're um, rivals. I'm the only one allowed to defeat her!"

Heaven above, Crimson Demons are weird. But fun! Even better than normal mortals. You just never know how they'll surprise you.

"And along the way, we exterminate any filthy demons or undead we find," I ordered. "Come on."

I snuck forward, slinking from shadow to shadow, never allowing my silhouette to show against the night sky. Before me stood two dark figures in armor. I couldn't sense if they were undead, that particular part of me being set to "snooze" for the moment, but if I could just slip forward, my dagger would-

"LIGHTNING STRIKE!"

There was a blinding flash of light, and a bolt of Lightning struck one of the foes, revealing it was indeed a Death Knight. It was instantly incinerated and reduced to ash. Huh. Normally intermediate magic couldn't do that sort of thing. Well, my cover was blown, but I-

"Sir Vent! No!" the other Death Knight cried, and drew his sword. "I shall-"

"FACE ME!" Darkness screamed, running out of the…darkness. "You are a vile, evil knight, and I shall use my body to defend my companions!"

Darkness swung her sword, obliterating that poor…shrub. Sigh. I think maybe my teammates don't understand the concept of "stealth."

Well at least Darkness' display let me sneak around and get a good opening to knife the other Death Knight. I raised my dagger as I sprung in for the killing-

"WIND BLADE!"

THAT KILL STEALING LITTLE- OOOOO SEE IF I SET YOU UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND NOW, SISTER!

I mean, uh, I picked my teammates so well, I hardly had to do anything this battle as Yunyun took out the other Death Knight.

"We're supposed to be stealthy!" I hissed. "No one was supposed to see us!"

"Um, I learned about that in the Crimson Demon Academy," Yunyun said as Darkness looked forlornly at the fallen foes. They'd only gotten a couple hits in on her. She was probably disappointed.

"Yeah? So, what did they teach you about stealth?" I demanded, glaring at the girl.

Yunyun wilted. "Um, I think…'If there are no survivors, that's a successful stealth mission, so make sure to always use overwhelming firepower and obliterate your foes in the most spectacular manner possible.' Um, I'm sorry, I know I didn't do a very good job…I only know Intermediate Magic…if I knew Advanced Magic…b-but I promise, I-I will be extra stealthy!"

You know, I'm not sure what I was expecting.

"Er, that's…not what most people think of when they say 'stealth,'" I sighed. Then I shrugged. "But hey, it worked, so that's fine. Tell you what. You two be the distraction, and I'll go find Aqua my way."

I let my two companions head towards the fighting, while I stealthily made my way through the now empty corridors, successfully avoiding all the foes. Then I paused, and realized something.

I had no idea where Aqua was in this castle. Was she actually being held captive? I mean, I can't think of any situation where a goddess could be in a castle full of undead and not be physically restrained to keep them from destroying all the undead in the castle.

I would have to do some interrogating. I did what I always did, and asked myself, "What would Batman do?"

I wrapped my face with my scarf, then snuck into a room, where there was the soft sound of breathing. I found a cloak in the nightstand, and shrouded myself in it. Then, I carefully prepared a lanturn I found. Once I was ready, I lit the lantern, shoved it in the sleeper's face, and did my very best growl as I shook them violently.

"WHERE ARE YOU KEEPING THE PRISONERS!"

"EEEEEEEEE!"

I blinked, as I realized I wasn't interrogating some evil skeleton or vile demon, or even an orc or something. Instead, it was a very pale and obviously frightened young woman in a purple nightie with long brown hair.

"Oh, um, sorry. I thought you were a minion of evil," I muttered, withdrawing the lantern and feeling a bit awkward. I mean, Batman was a good guy. He wouldn't just terrorize a poor sleeping woman.

Unless they were like, Poison Ivy or something. Then he would totally do that.

"You scared me," the woman panted, drawing her covers up. "I-if you're here to steal my panties again…please don't…I don't like it when boys do that…"

"I'm not a boy!" I snapped, despite myself. "I'm a woman!"

"Oh! I'm sorry, it's just, that voice, and I couldn't see you well…and, well…Beldia does this sort of thing…"

Beldia…that was a general of the Devil King! I had to stop him! But first, Aqua. She could probably help with that. Even as awesome as I was, at level five a general was probably out of my league. I mean, not by much, but a little. I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone by showing them all up.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm here to put a stop to all that," I said, posing and puffing out my chest. Maybe I could use the pads…no! I had to stay in disguise, plus…no one had stupidly unrealistic expectations of Chris the Thief.

"Oh, that's good. I'm glad someone finally came to stop that…it makes me very uncomfortable in the workplace, the way my male colleagues behave," the woman admitted, giving me a smile. "I hope you don't have to deal with anything like that…"

"I do, actually," I sighed, thinking of some of the losers I'd had to judge in the past. And, well, the antics of some of those bozos at the guild. "I think us ladies have to stick together."

"Oh yes! There aren't enough of us in the organization," the woman agreed. "It's why I retired to run my own shop. Less workplace harassment, and it's a field with more women in it, so I feel more accepted by my peers."

"I can understand, but trust me, there's still plenty of discrimination in female dominated professions," I told her, thinking of how Aqua and the others often treated me. Stupid pads.

"Oh, that's too bad…well, maybe we can work together to make the world a more fair and equal place for all!" the woman said happily.

"You said it, sister! Now, actually, the real reason I'm here is Aqua…"

"Oh, so they heard about what happened to her at HQ? That was really inappropriate…"

WHAT!? Kazuma was lewding Aqua already!? This was AWFUL! If that Damn Harpy got wind of this, she'd go straight to Upper Management and we'd be in serious trouble! Maybe put out to pasture for good! I mean, it was fun being Chris, I enjoyed it a lot, it was nice having a mortal body again…but what about all my followers!? I couldn't let them down!

And I certainly wasn't letting That Harpy take over this world!

"You have to take me to her straight away! I'll put an end to all of this!" I vowed.

"Oh, of course. Her room is right next to mine," the woman said.

Oof. I felt kind of silly now…

We went right next door. I was expecting Aqua to be tied up or something, but…she was snoring, splayed out on her bed, and drooling slightly. Obviously at complete peace with herself. Ugh.

"Um, I need a few moments to speak with her privately. Confidentiality, and all that," I whispered to my new friend.

"Oh! I understand completely. If you need me to give testimony, just let me know! I'm so glad our workplace is finally taking all the complaints I've filed over the years seriously." She smiled at me and went back to her own room.

I smiled back, then carefully closed the door. I walked over to Aqua, who was still out cold. I glared at her for a long moment, then did something I'd secretly wanted to do for a long time.

I dumped a glass of water from her nightstand over her head and shouted, "WAKE UP!"

Look, I try to be respectful to my superiors, but frankly she could be a bit grating to have as your senior.

"AAHHH! KAZUMA, I'LL SAVE YOU!" Aqua wailed, jerking upright in bed and looking around wildly.

"Oh, Kazuma's in trouble, but I'm more worried about-" I began, but then Aqua spun toward me, eyes still dazed, hair all wet.

"GOD BLOW!"

Now, normally, I could totally take a hit from Aqua. She's not exactly a fighter. But her punch sent me flying across the room and I crashed into the wall, head ringing. Oof. She still had her Goddess Stats, I see. Well, I didn't. Except for one but that was an accident I swear.

"Why'd you hit me!?" I gasped, sliding down and clutching my eye. I was going to have a real shiner in the morning.

"Who are you, and why are you in my room?! I swear, all boys are perverts!" Aqua ranted, jumping out of bed to stalk over to me.

I tried to keep it together. I really did. But I couldn't help it.

"I'M NOT A BOY! JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE GAG BOOBS LIKE THE REST OF YOU DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT A REAL GODDESS!" I raged, and I slapped Aqua as hard as I could.

"OW! I'm a goddess! You can't hit me!"

"Well, I'm a goddess too, you jerk! You should know, you're the one who recruited me!" I snarled, sticking a finger under Aqua's nose. "And another thing! You're going to take out that stupid line in your scriptures about me padding my chest! If I want to pad my chest, I can! Because when I do, no one calls me a boy!"

"Wait, ERIS?!" Aqua gasped, blinking. "You don't look like Eris! Eris doesn't have a scar!"

"I DO HAVE A SCAR, NUMBSKULL!" I raged. "I HAVE TO COVER IT UP WITH MAKEUP EVERY DAY OR PEOPLE STARE AT IT! BUT AS CHRIS, MY BODY CAN LOOK LIKE IT REALLY IS AND NO ONE MAKES FUN OF ME FOR IT! PEOPLE EVEN THINK MY SCAR IS COOL!"

Oops. Um, I didn't mean to tell Aqua who I really was…Or anyone, actually. I was sort of hoping she'd never find out…

"Uh…you sound a lot like Eris," Aqus said suspiciously, glaring at me as I panted and tried not to twitch to much.

"That's because I am Eris!"

"Well, then tell me something that only Eris would know," Aqua huffed. "Otherwise I'm going to assume you're just a mortal trying to trick me!"

"I know that it was you who stole the last slice of cake at the Chief Goddesses Birthday Party last century, and that I had to cover for you three times this year because you were too busy raiding in Final Fantasy. Ugh, that game is so boring. How can you stand it?!"

"Hey! It's not boring! You're just mad because I was a higher level that you, Eris!" Aqua snapped.

"No! We're GODDESSES! Why should we play normal, boring games?! We can disguise ourselves as mortals in any realm! If you want to be and adventurer in Hydaelyn, just find that realm and incarnate yourself there!"

"Because that's work, that's why! I could get hurt, or be in danger, or go hungry, like I do here!"

"Ugh, that's part of the immersion! If you're going to play an RPG you have to actually embrace the role, not just hang out in the bar and dance and chat!"

"But that's the fun part! Besides, I was such a good healer that all the top guilds wanted me until…"

"Until you took all the money out of the guild bank to buy stupid outfits and more boose you can't even drink! That's why you got banned!"

"YOU PROMISED NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT!"

"Well you promised not to tell anyone I was sneaking down to Belzerg as Chris, but Angelica knew about it, and HERE WE ARE!"

"But I never told anyone! That little traitor sent me here as Kazuma's magical item!"

We stood there, glaring at one another and panting. Then we both stepped forward and hugged one another as we cried.

"WAAAA! Eris, I want to go home, take me back! It's scary here and Kazuma keeps getting hurt!"

"I want to go back to heaven! I have to go to the bathroom here, and my followers will abandon me!"

We commiserated for a bit, then sat down on Aqua's bed.

"You're not doing anything gross with Kazuma, right? I heard about the Pervzuma stuff…"

"Ugh, no! He's a mortal! I mean, he's my friend and stuff, but I'm not a pervert like some goddesses! You're not coming down here to, you know…" Aqua eyed me sideways, looking concerned.

I made a face. "Don't be gross! I'm a goddess now! I'm no mortal lover! I mean, I like mortals, some of my best friends are mortals…"

"But not like that," Aqua agreed, blushing. "Um, glad we agree…"

"Yes."

We sat in silence for another moment, brooding.

"So how do we get back?" I asked, eyeing Aqua. "You're the senior."

"I don't know. I was going to defeat the Devil King, but the nobles here are jerks and Kazuma said we should join the Devil King. It seemed like a good idea. Wiz is really nice!"

"What?! You can't join the Devil King! You're a goddess, he's a devil! That's like…water and oil, mixing!" I argued.

"You can mix water and oil," Aqua said, sniffing.

"No you can't! They literally don't mix! Everyone knows that!"

"Well, if you're cooking, you just have to add some flour or something, and then they do! Like, when you make brownies! You add the water and oil and egg, then mix in some flour and sugar, and they all combine!"

"I…this isn't about BAKING! Goddesses can't be friends with undead! Why haven't you, you know, smote them all here!" I demanded.

Aqua opened her mouth, but then the room got up and started dancing, and I hit my head.

The second worst part of being a mortal is the pain. The first is the indignity of needing to go to the bathroom.

The things I do for the sake of staying in character…

Author's Note:

Big thanks to tn5421 for commissioning this! They're taking a break for a bit, so I will be as well, and I'll use the time to catch up on some of my other projects. I hope you enjoyed what you've read so far.