1Author's Note: Needless to say, I'm not a therapist. I'm also not an interviewer. For the first, I tried to think on my own experience with psychologists as a general basis. For the second, I'll list my sources at the end.
But regardless of sources, I also very much wanted things a certain way, so, you know. It's a fic-for-vibes. Hopefully it's good enough. A nod to Pentakill for fun too.
Also, Jinx is not a fan of medication by principle. Please be mindful of that.
Expect a very long final author note.
Warning: depression, suicidal thoughts
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"Hello, Jinx. Please, have a seat."
"Hey, Doc T." Jinx closed the door quietly and dragged herself to the chair. Dr Tira (or Doc T for short) had a Resting Smile Face that Jinx didn't particularly like. It wasn't an offensively bright smile, just a polite, bland one, but also just there by default. It was meant to inspire calm, probably. Or maybe to keep herself calm. How many therapists had therapists themselves? A big chunk of 'em, for sure.
They stayed in silence for some seconds before Doc T started with a: "How have you been since last week?"
"Meh. Same."
"It's been a full week since you've released the album. Hasn't there been anything new?"
"Oh, yeah. In that sense, it's been intense."
"I can only imagine."
"Like, I can't manage my inbox. Boxes, plural. And I wanna read everything but it's so much, it's hard to get to everyone. It's so many comments! I spend hours my phone and I still can't clear everything."
"That is overwhelming for anyone, Jinx. Has there been a particularly bad moment?"
Ah, nothing that throwing paint against a canvas or listening to a screamy song for three hours on loop or lying curled up in a ball didn't fix. "Nah, I've managed it."
"Do you have anyone who can help you with it?"
"Nah, I'm on my own here."
"Well, surely people understand that you have limited time and that you can't feasibly reach everyone."
"But I'm not a big artist, I'm not at school, I have all the free time I should need! I want people to know I appreciate them if they are supportive!"
Doc T gave a quick few taps on the keyboard. Damn. What she said? School? She should've flunk 11th grade from missed classes, but her principal did some funky kabuki and she passed anyway. She knew 'cause Ekko and Lux had told her. She didn't know what she was gonna do next year. So what. How many school dropouts exist in the world? Vander was a school dropout. And she was working on her career. Better than many people her age could say in this economy, right?
"Last week you mentioned you were planning to do a painting to help you deal with the overwhelming feelings of the album release. Did it help?"
Showing she remembered things to establish trust. It kinda worked.
"Yeah, I did several, but this one is the best," she replied, fishing out her phone and going to her gallery and showing her the photo, expecting her to say something bad or look uncomfortable. The vomit of blues and pinks dripping from the vaguely human face didn't make it seem less expressive in its intensity due to the bursts of color. It was unsettling for sure - Jinx found it freeing. And she quite liked it.
Doc T nodded. "Good. What did you hope to cleanse with it?"
"Just that you're bursting at the seams and can't get it out."
"Did you name it?"
" 'Sweet candy overdose'. I like how the colors look."
"They're very vibrant. You use flourescent paints?"
Jinx smiled. It was easy to cater her where art was concerned. "Yeah! I kinda wanna try more of this style, maybe do a sort of art booklet to go with the album if it ever gets a physical release."
"Interesting."
Yeah, I know what you're thinking, she's just saying it for the sake of it, she thinks you're weird / yeah but she also sat down on the floor next to me at the hospital when there was a perfectly good chair right there, didn't she?
"I think the booklet is a wonderful idea. But don't you feel you are taking too many projects at the same time?"
Jinx put her phone back. "The album's done, so I'm free."
"You have all the feedback to process, all the messages."
"I don't understand you," Jinx complained, crossing her arms. "Isn't it good that I'm busy?"
"It's great that you are busy and have a creative outlet. But some issues still need to be properly addressed and worked on. You can only flee from problems for so long, Jinx."
"Isn't that why I'm here?"
"It's precisely why you're here," Dr Tira agreed. And to make a point of it, her next question was: "Has your family reached out?"
Jinx averted her eyes.
"Do they know you've released your album?" Doc T asked.
"Yeah."
"So they reached out."
"Yeah."
"What did they say?"
A shrug. "They liked it."
"You said their opinion was important to you. Were you happy with what they had to say?"
Vi had been surprised with the two new tracks, and then asked how she was feeling and how she had been doing. Claggor said it was a solid full album, and asked if she was doing alright. Mylo said it was nice (Liar) and he hoped she was doing ok (Liar). Ekko congratulated her.
She had known from Ekko that Vander and Silco had heard it too. The message had been eerily the same:
I'm proud
"Did you reply to them?" Dr Tira asked when Jinx didn't elaborate beyond her previous words. When that got only silence, she added: "What do you fear is going to happen, Jinx?"
Pursing her lips, Jinx looked at the door. Instead of answering, she said: "I'm gonna do an interview later today."
The Doc let it slide for now. "Really? That's great. Do you already have the questions?"
"Yeah. Won't be having a meltdown during it."
"You love music. Why do you think you would have a meltdown?"
"I dunno," she shrugged. "I get meltdowns over everything."
"You get meltdowns when you're put under stress."
"Think an interview isn't stressful? This's my first official one. He's a bigshot, has a big YouTube channel and was the first to reach out to me when I posted the singles, like... that's pre~tty stressful."
"But that's great news. Your music is already getting recognition."
Jinx averted her gaze. "I think he's playing me. I think it's just because he knows my dads."
"He does?"
"We messaged a bit, and he said he already interviewed them before. We went over the questions he had for me, and he asked what I'd feel comfortable answering about them, and about my lyrics and general mental cuckoos stuff."
"I see. He seems considerate."
"Maybe." He didn't seem half bad, but who knows. Just a sucker for nostalgia. Or just wants to catch the hot chick. Or just-
"I think it's a pretty brave step forward you're taking. You're exposing yourself and your music out there and talking about it. This is a huge step, Jinx, and you've been working for it for very long. You should enjoy the results of that effort."
"I'm trying."
"What will you talk about your fathers in the interview?" she asked, and Jinx looked at her for a moment without answering.
"I just don't wanna be seen as the kid who only gets in 'cause her parents know the boss."
"You think people will see your music career as nepotism?"
"I wanna be valued for who I am, for what I do. But in the music industry it's hard to not get a label and just get your whole act put down because of it." She twisted her face remembering the words that had burned themselves in her retinas that she knew she would get but knowing about it didn't make it less annoying:
'bitch thinks she can do music just cause of rat nation no one would be talking about this shit if it wasnt the hound and the shark playing'
Well, fuck you very much too, HardcoreJonnas7192. Just wait until I'm in a bad mood and I'll doxx you out and send you like a dead rat or something through the mail.
Jinx pouted at herself. Be constructive. You're not supposed to think that. Just, fuck him. Fuck that guy. You've got better things to worry about.
"Half my comments say I'm only getting people interested because of my dads, that I'm just spoiled brat that doesn't have any talent."
"You can view it from another perspective. You had great teachers and you fully used that knowledge to make music you are proud of. What's wrong about that?"
"Nothing. It's not like I hid it, I wanted to have them in a song I wrote. And my bio parents were musicians, and fucking good ones, that's not a bad thing."
"Then that's what matters, Jinx. You know you'll always get people who don't like what you do. There will always be people who don't like you because of you. Those people don't have to be the ones that dictate your worth."
"Yeah, but what if he's one of those stupidass interviewers Silco told me about that really does care about this and just wants to burn me?"
"You said he's quite known in your music community. Does he seem that way to you from his other interviews?"
Jinx faltered somewhat. "No, he seems cool. He has this whole series of interviews with new bands to share their work, that's how he's gonna do my interview, for that series..."
"See? It seems like it has everything to go right."
"But how do I know it's not all just a front? That he actually thinks I'm a dud with no talent?"
"You don't, Jinx," Dr Tira said plainly. "We've talked about this. Unfortunately, I can't give you a magical guide that will let you see through every person you'll meet and let you know what their true intentions are. If they are lying to you or not. You have to learn to judge for yourself."
"Yeah, but my compass is all busted."
"That why the medication can help give you some clarity."
Jinx gave a small scoff and looked at her boots. They had got splashes of ink and she quite liked the look.
"Do you still think the medication isn't helping?" Dr Tira knew how to interpret certain silences and glances.
Jinx shrugged. Doc T had prescribed three different pills and she, like, expected her to take them. Ah. As if. Jinx had stared at the prescription, then at her and cackled. Antidepressant, antipsychotic, epilepsy pills that apparently worked for bipolar disorders. What exactly was her diagnosis, you ask? Everything, apparently. Any and everything that needed to be quieted down with chemically induced numbness. She had already made up her mind even before she read all the counterindications, which sure as hell hadn't helped her feel differently about it.
It took some trying from Doc T, doing her doctor talk about benefits and stuff, and she had talked with some online friends, and Lux too. It wasn't so much wearing down as Jinx having had a bad moment and going fuck it and just taking one. One, mind you. She could've taken the whole box and be gone gone bye bye. But she was still alive, so she supposed she was good. Managing. She hadn't felt magically alright, but she hadn't felt worse either. What was the point of taking them if they wouldn't fix anything? So she tried, sometimes. To see if it helped.
Jinx had her own diagnosis. Her synapses were all wired wrong. You can't rewire them right. The system is busted.
"I take the pills when I remember."
"It's best if you take them at the same time everyday."
"I'm trying. I forget."
"I know you have a lot on your mind. Maybe try to set an alarm. Or ask a friend to help you, by messaging you."
She knew a lot of people who'd eagerly take that role. But she hadn't talked with them for over a month.
"You deflected from talking about your family," Doc T didn't let it slide for long. Jinx almost wanted to pout again. "Have you visited any of them?"
She fidgeted. "Not yet."
A hum. "What do you fear is going to happen, Jinx?"
Well fuck. What did she fear was going to happen? What did she fear was going to happen?! Like, what could fucking happen if she faced the person she shot in the fucking chest, or the person that was gonna be locked up for fifteen fucking years for it?! Or the person who lied to her and got hurt because she failed to keep it quiet?
What could happen if she went to the hospital and some fucking cop got her because she was considered missing? Because they had wanted her testimony and she vanished?
What could happen if Mylo got his eyes on her?!
Like, what could possibly go wrong?!
Doc T was looking at her with the same calm expression. As if Jinx hadn't just been screaming in her head to avoid screaming in her face.
The pills only helped make her appear less hysterical. Everything was just where it always had been. How very fucking helpful.
"They won't wanna see me."
"You've told me you keep receiving messages from them. I think they want to see you."
"No, they don't."
"Why don't you want to see them?"
"Because I don't want to see their disappointment." See, she managed to sum it well enough.
"Your sister is out of the hospital. You can visit her in a public place, if it makes you feel safer."
"Why'd that make me feel safer? I can make a scene with or without an audience."
"Your fathers will go to jail when they are cleared from the hospital. Don't you think it would be better for you to talk to them before that?"
"So they can be assisted if they have a heart attack or something?" Jinx said without humor. Doc T didn't laugh.
"The last time you saw your fathers, they tried to kill each other. You have that image etched in your brain. You need to get out of that room in your head, Jinx. You need to let people know how you feel. What happened wasn't because of you."
But THAT'S THE FUCKING THING! IT WAS! THAT'S WHY I CAN'T FUCKING GO SEE THEM!
"You need to express all that, Jinx," Dr Tira said, leaning forward on her chair and pointing at the body language she could read like an open book. Jinx glared at her, her jaw and arms drawn tight to lock it in, tears gleaming in her eyes. "If you can't bring yourself to say to them, then you need to say to me. You can scream at me all you want."
"No, I can't."
"Because you're not angry at me?"
"I'm not angry at them!" she snarled, feeling the tears eager to trip over.
"You have every right to be angry, Jinx. They hurt you in various ways."
"Can't you understand it was because of me?!" Jinx burst open and her vision cleared. "Fuck. I'm angry at me and I don't want to see them angry at me but I deserve it!"
Dr Tira leaned back. "Okay. We've been here before. You're guilty of everything falling apart. Since when, Jinx?"
"The fuck you mean, since when."
"When did you start making everything fall apart? When your fathers decided that to resolve their problems, which apparently started before you even lived with any of them, they should attack each other? When your sister decided to protect you regardless of your own wishes? When your family fought against each other due to their own issues? When you were adopted by your father Silco? When your biological parents died? When you were born?"
"Shut up," Jinx let out without thinking, throwing her head to the side. It was bad enough she was crying again, didn't need to give her the full view, she must be sick of it already.
"You're guilty of everything, Jinx. Did you notice that?"
I fucking did, thank you very much! "You'd love my brother Mylo."
Dr Tira crossed her legs and laced her hands. "Follow me on this thought process. You've told me you used to sleep with your father Silco."
"I already told you-!" Jinx startled up, but Doc T stopped her.
"Not my point. I believe you. From what you've told me, I believe that your father loves you, and raised you the best he knew how. That does not mean he did what's best for you. He enabled certain behaviours that were not the healthiest for either of you, and as the adult, he should have established more boundaries."
"You didn't react when I told you, why're you bringing it up now?"
"Because I understood there was nothing sexual in the act, but the most basic need for safety that should have been worked with a psycotherapist since early on."
"I ain't following your thought process."
"Do you know what stunted emotional growth is?"
Jinx stopped. "Huh?"
"It happens when we suffer a traumatic event during a certain point in our childhood, our formative years. Essencially, our emotional age gets stuck at that age."
"You're telling me I'm a child?"
"I'm telling you that you show very clear signs of having experienced trauma at a far too young age to be able to process it. Multiple traumas, actually, making this even more complex. This reflects in all your relationships and would, for example, explain your behaviour with your adopted father, which might appear perhaps unsuitable, or problematic, to others, but makes perfect sense in context. It would explain your attachment issues with your sister, or really, with anyone close in your life. Your fathers, your boyfriend. Your compulsive need for validation, and of finding responsibility in every major event in your life."
"But if I'm a child, I wouldn't want any responsibility," Jinx tried to point out, sniffing.
"On the contrary. You're a scared child who can't make sense of the world around you. So in order to find some sort of bearing, you interpret that every problem that happens is your fault. Because otherwise, you really were just a victim of circumstances you could not control. And that's very scary. That puts you right back to the place of the child who lost her parents just like that. That kept losing people despite her best efforts, like it happened with the incident with your sister. But the thing is, Jinx, sometimes bad things happen regardless of your wishes or actions."
Jinx sniffed again. She looked at Doc T for some moments. Was she really telling her what she thought she was?
"So, what you're basically telling me is 'shit happens'?"
"Yes, Jinx. You need to understand that shit happens."
Well. She didn't have an answer for that.
Dr Tira extended the box of tissues her way. "Same time next week, Jinx. I think we made quite a bit of progress today."
Well, great job leaving her with that for her to process alone! Jinx took one of many tissues - one of those boxes had already been cleared by her in all these sessions - and rubbed at her eyes, smudging some of her makeup. But that's cool, it was a Look she had embraced already.
"When you do speak with your fathers, especially your father Silco, you should advise him he would benefit from therapy," Doc T said.
"Ah, good luck with that," Jinx cackled, blowing her nose. "He thinks therapy is for weak people."
"You ever thought why that's so?"
She shrugged. "Can think of some reasons. He doesn't like weakness. It creates openings for people to attack you."
"You can suggest he seeks counceling in prison. It would greatly benefit him. And your father Vander, too. His seems to have anger management issues that may not have been fully tackled."
Jinx left Doc T's office feeling slightly whiplashed. Well, it wasn't exactly a new feeling, but many times she just felt drained to the bone. And relieved. Today, it was... oddly a mix of everything. Like, she wasn't a jinx? Ah. That didn't sound right. That didn't sound right at all. She had too much fucking bad luck in life for it to be just shitty coincidence. What about when she nearly blew up their house? That had been her direct action, unwarranted as it was. Sometimes, kids just mess up? Shit just happens? Nah.
Doc T's private office wasn't in Janna Central. That was the only reason Jinx had accepted to have appointments with her. She had to catch two buses to come here from Zaun, but overall it was an one hour trip she could do without major problems. Today, however, she needed to be on time at home, so she checked her phone and, ok ok, everything should be cool. She had time to get home, relax, chug an energy drink and do the interview. She was sniffing and distracted picking at the corner of her eye where the makeup had probably caked, so she didn't hear the first time she was called. When she looked up, she saw someone crossing the road towards her.
She stopped. Second whiplash.
"Jinx!" he had the biggest smile she remembered seeing on him, of pure joy. Maybe when they played tag as kids and he managed to catch her. Or when they had gone to that cat café the first time. He grabbed a hold of her and caught her in a hug that nearly lifted her feet off the ground.
"Ekko."
"I can't believe it's you! What're you doing on this side of town?"
"My therapist," she replied, smiling instinctively when he dropped her. Her hand latched itself on his arm without her noticing.
"You're on therapy? For real?"
"Eh. For real."
"That's great!" he said excitedly. He didn't seem to know where to focus his eyes in his happiness. "That's seriously great. How's it going?"
"It's... good? Going." She caught herself holding him and let go. "Whatcha doin' here?"
"I'm here with the guys," Ekko said, pointing out to the other side of the street. Half his crew was standing there, talking between themselves while they waited for him. Eve waved at her, and Jinx waved back. "We're gonna hang around with another crew from this side. I couldn't believe it was you, what're the odds?"
"Ah, yeah," Jinx said, feeling dumb. She wasn't expecting to find him at all. He looked... great. He had got new beads on his hair, and he was wearing a shirt she was pretty sure they had bought together. He looked radiant to see her.
"How've you been? Everything alright?" He casually pointed towards his left eye. Jinx realized what he meant and instinctively went for her own smeared makeup.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm alright, just, you know, normal stuff. Nothing out the ordinary. Good stuff, actually," she kept trying to say to make sure he wouldn't worry. Then she didn't know what to say, so she said the first thing that came to mind. "Uh, I'm sorry, I'm kinda in a rush-"
She immediately felt guilty when she saw his expression waver. "Oh." He nodded. "Ok."
"I mean, I'm gonna have an interview! Because of the album. That's why I gotta go."
"Holy shit, for real? That's awesome!" Ekko's face brightened up again. "Who is it?"
"It's HeavyPetruMetal, that guy with the beard that has all those tickets and photos on the wall, remember?"
"Holy shit, are you for real? Doesn't he have like 100k?"
"Ah, yeah, almost..."
"That's so cool!" He couldn't stop himself and hugged her again in excitement. "Congrats! Call me to tell me how it went, okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, for sure," she nodded without thinking. "I'll call you."
Ekko smiled again, taking a moment to just look at her. She looked... tired. Her perpetually present dark bags underlined her blue eyes even without the smudged makeup, and she seemed a bit skinnier than last he'd seen her, which was worth noting. Her roots were grown out. She had a spiked headband today, and two little spiked bands on her braids to match her bracelets and complete the black outfit, but her fingernails were her signature pink and blue to contrast, as did the paint smudged on her boots. She was wearing a new string wrapped around her neck as a personalized choker and she just... She was still the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
He wanted to hold her so much, but didn't want to force it on her. Nevermind that he had already done it twice, he only caught himself now and now feared he might've crossed an invisible line. Instead, Jinx did it for him; a quick, nervous squeeze that lingered when it came time to pull it apart.
Jinx hadn't held anyone except herself for nearly two months. He smelled so nice. He just felt so nice. Like when they'd laze around in their rooms just holding each other close, talking about anything. It'd been so long ago, and no time at all. She wanted to stay there forever.
"Bye," she said instead, giving him a quick peck on the cheek and half-walking/half-sprinting down the street without looking back at him or at any of his crew friends. For once, she was lucky (was it luck? Maybe shit just happens sometimes, and sometimes not?) her bus arrived as soon as she got to the stop and she hopped on.
Her thoughts carouselled all around on her long way home. Ekko never stopped messaging her during the past weeks, letting her know how things were going and how everyone was doing. She had almost replied to him so many times, but never knew where to start and left the "seen" as an answer that said yes, she was alive. Yes, she was safe. Yes, she was creating. Yes, she was busy.
Yes, she was alone.
No, things were not good. But they weren't bad either. They just were. Clogged and drowned under a lot of music and ink.
They were better than if she had faced any of them, no matter what Doc T said.
The world outside her bubble of music and art was chaotic. The cops were looking for her to testify against Silco. They had tried to prosecute the pedophilia claim, but needed her for that. From Ekko had told her, Renata (she'd met her on occasion, but probably as often as she did the Doctor, which wasn't a lot) was dealing with all the accusations, but he seemed certain he'd get convicted with something. They were also looking for her because of Vi's custody claim.
Her life for the past weeks had been pretty narrowed down to Zaun, the therapy sessions being the only exception. So far, she hadn't had any police encounter, and Doc T hadn't alerted any authorities of their sessions. She probably should've done that, but if she had, Jinx would've gone off the radar for good.
The world inside her bubble of music and art was chaotic too.
After she had sneaked around Janna Central and got her hands on Silco's keys to his Zaun hideout, she'd taken it as hers, living off Silco's money stash. On her own for the first time, a responsible near-adult with a lot of issues and a gun.
Yeah, Jinx walked around armed now, an actual gun in her backpack. Pretty bad if she was captured by cops, but pretty useful in the Slums. Not that she had used it yet.
Well, she kinda tried to use it once.
She'd been living kinda on her own. She's been in touch with Silco's guys for some stuff. Yeah, that included Sevika.
Yeah, it was as messy as you think.
Sevika tracked her down without much effort; Silco must have told her. Where else would she go, right? And let's be honest, Sevika owned those streets just like Silco did. Soon, the blue haired Rapunzel's whereabouts would've reached her ears one way or another. The intention had been to communicate via Lock at first - not the most stealthy of Silco's guys, but the most equipped with patience and endurance to deal with Jinx's murderous rage for Sevika. But after a long 'conversation' (read: Jinx using Silco's gun and very nearly getting her arm twisted off for her efforts, but Sevika had had got her lesson last time), they had arrived at an understanding: Sevika was gonna keep tabs on Silco's orders, whether Jinx liked it or not, make sure to track down the landlord of the place and cover every expanse that so far Silco had kept to himself, and beyond that they needed to see each other as much as they needed to catch lice. They could message through a second cellphone she gave Jinx for any emergency. Otherwise, they carried on with their merry lives happily fucking away from each other.
Jinx occasionally felt the need to really fuck up Sevika's life by giving her hell. Purposefully getting in trouble in Zaun, or being really annoying with requests. Until she was distracted, she bugged her incessantly for a bunch of materials she needed (many of her personal belongings had been unduly confiscated by the police, and Renata had had to work her legal lingo to get them back and then properly confiscated by Silco's men), and for studio or garage spots where she to play and record drums. But as soon as she got her hands on her gear, she focused on herself, too busy in her cave making music to have time to think about stupid Sevika. She lived those weeks with the sole purpose and dedication of seeing something through to completion. It was like her life depended on it - and in many ways, it did.
Doc T might be helpful and actually make her work on her issues. But it was half an hour per week. Jinx had all the other one hundred and sixty seven hours and a half to deal with herself. She needed to give sense, shape and form to her thoughts and feelings.
Now, like she'd said: things weren't good. Her cave was underground chaos. She barely cooked, prefering any ready-meal she got her hands on or going on liquids when putting on shoes and going out felt too much of a chore. She hadn't changed her bedsheets once throughout the whole time she'd lived there. She'd really only got her gear brought from home, she had no clothes, no makeup, no nail polisher. She bought her essencials, one pair of boots and like three different outfits she interchanged and multiplied to infinity. Most of the time, she just wore the same clothes as jammies for days. Maintaining her hair was hard.
It was way too hard to explain all that to Ekko. Harder still to explain to Vi. So she'd kept it to a minimum. It was still hard to think about them. Just... too much to say. To think. Too much.
She was already at Zaun when her thoughts brought her back to the present. She had the interview to do. She had one hour to go, so she should be good. She was re-reading her messages with the guy, where he'd told the major topics he'd like to discuss with her, when she passed by a little grocery store on her way home, buying an energy drink out of the freezer. The normally grumpy old man actually flashed her a smile when she paid with cash and wished her a good day, making Jinx go out with a smile of her own. She was halfway into the can of sweet sugary caffeine when she climbed down the stairs to her place and closed the door behind her. Her little corner of chaos greeted her with its stuffy air and pile of dishes to wash. The bedroom was messier, with stuff scattered on the floor where she'd left it to take care of later/eventually and all her clothes thrown at the corner of the bed waiting for her to fold them.
Well, thank fuck it was an interview on the computer. Her mad genius lair could be kept to herself.
She'd prettied up today for the interview (which was helpful for her chance encounter with Ekko), and she went to check if everything was still good enough on the mirror. Then she as she finished seting up the laptop and making sure the connection was good, a sense of impending doom decided to fall over her.
She was gonna do an actual interview. Like, with questions, that actual people were gonna see. She'd have to talk with someone. Who the fuck would want to see her? Hear what she had to say? They'd mock her and say she sucked. She'd get all caught up in her words. They'd see she was broken and pick on it and-
No, no, focus, focus. What'd Doc T said? She loved music. She could talk about it for hours. She could talk some twenty minutes. She could even make it interesting. She could do it. I can do this.
Yeah. I can totally do this.
I can focus. Can't I?
Uh.
Maybe I can't do this. She was gonna trauma-dump and be a nuisance and not focused at all and-
Focus, goddammit.
Shit. Maybe she should call someone before. Talk this out with someone. Lux? Ekko? Ekko would be busy, and Lux was out doing some errands, they wouldn't pick up.
Shit, shit, shit, freaking out, aaaa, freaking out...
Ok, breathe, it's cool. It's cool. It's your first time. It's normal you're nervous. Right? Bet they were pretty nervous on their first time too.
There's an idea. Jinx moved the laptop to the side and went to the wardrobe, dragging out Silco's miscellanea box and looking for the May 2000 LoudMess issue. It had been their first official interview; they were nervous for sure, but they'd done it. She could take some tips.
Taking a little plastic skull Silco had thrown in there as anti-stress toy, she sat back down on her bed with the laptop by her side. It's certainly different to be in a badass band with four friends than being alone in a basement drinking a energy drink and grabbing a plastic toy. And they were older than her, too. Sure, she was no kid anymore (actually...) but this was really scary. What if she messed up? It could be edited out, right? This wasn't gonna be live. They probably edited stuff out too in their interview back then. But what if the guy was a jerk? She didn't trust herself to deal with it well. Wouldn't it ruin everything if she lost it on video?
She focused away from that terrifying idea and re-read the interview in passing, looking for the questions Mom had answered. She seemed really confident, sharing her bits on the songs and having a whole paragraph on their political message.
Jinx had no political message. She didn't believe in anything strongly enough to fight for it, much less encourage others to do it too. She just wanted to express herself and feel less horrible with it all. Make something that made people go "damn". Hopefully in a good way.
LoudMess: Anything you'd like to tell your fans?
Hound: We hope our music resonates with you.
Benzo: Thanks to everyone that's been with us until now. We've got great things coming up!
Shark: Keep fighting for what you believe in.
LoudMess: I just want to thank you guys for the awesome interview. Can't wait to hear you live!
Plague: Thanks, man! We appreciate it, seriously.
Death: We'll make sure to give you a show to remember!
Well... it'd be cool if her music resonated with other people, but wouldn't it be kinda shitty too? Those people would'd've had it rough. But it did feel nice to hear something you feel expressed outloud. Yeah, it'd be cool. Not her main objective, but maybe a happy side effect? A happy accident?
Anti-jinx?
Ah.
Well, the interview went well with them. Hopefully it'd go well with her, too.
If not... shit happens.
A pop-up showed up on the screen, making Jinx startle. Oooh boy. Here it is. It's time.
She placed the computer on her lap and accepted the call. She stared at her own camera, squeezing the plastic skull in her hand like an inappropriately unsqueezable anti-stress toy while she waited for his side to feed. The screen went black for a second, and then a pretty old school heavy metal looking dude showed up.
"Hey there!" Petru greeted in good spirits. He was probably around Vander's age, with a full beard sprinkled in white and his hair tied back in a ponytail, wearing a Pentakill tshirt. He actually kinda looked like Vander in a certain light, because of the beard and body type. The familar backdrop from his other videos, of an impressive and ever growing concert ticket mural complete with signed band photos and selfies, framed him on the screen. "How are you, Jinx, everything cool?"
"Hey! I'm a- tiiiny bit nervous, not gonna lie."
"You're gonna do great," he reassured her. "I'm not gonna diverge from the questions we discussed, so don't worry about it, you don't need to feel stressed. It's like I told you. We're just having a conversation. Feel free to correct me if I get anything wrong, okay?"
"Likewise."
"Remember, this is your interview, you're not gonna do anything wrong." He picked a can of water and drank a bunch, making Jinx suddenly thirsty too, feeling all the sugar clamp at her mouth. How often did she see people with water bottles in interviews?! Argh, should've thought about that- "You ready to begin?"
"Yeah! Sure thing, man."
"Okay then, I'm gonna do my intro now and I'll get right back to you in a sec, ok?"
"Yep."
Petru clicked a couple of times on his side and started with the engaging voice of a guy who genuinely liked what he did: "Hello everyone! Today in our 'Newcomers of Hell' I have the privilege of welcoming the artist you all need to put in your radars: Jinxed, a one man - or in this case, a one woman - band that is hard to label as a single thing, a single style. The self-titled album gives us not just depressive black metal, not just melodic death metal or metalcore at times, but instead a fluid journey through a mentalscape using metal as a means to an end. I'm here with the lady herself, Jinx! Thank you so much for joining me."
"Thank you so much for having me! Hi!" Jinx grinned widely to hide her nervousness. She squeezed the plastic skull in her sweaty hands so much it went whooshing out of her hand. "Oh well, there that goes."
"I'm super excited to have you here. Before we begin, I'm sorry but I gotta ask... " Oh boy, here we go, right off the bat, she thought immediately, why'd I think we wouldn't- but before she could finish that, he did: "Just how long is your hair? Because holy shit..."
Jinx let out a surprised cackle. "Ah! Aw, man, it's like down around my ankles, but I'm fun-sized, so..."
"Your ankles, that's a whole person worth of hair!" he said with a laugh while Jinx adjusted the laptop so she could pull her braids up to show the length. "Holy shit, I need to take some hair care tips from you because damn, I thought mine was long!"
"Pure spite, man. That's the secret."
They both laughed. "Well, if all else fails, you can make a living out of those hair care tips, but honestly, I don't see that happening anytime soon, because you're an incredibly talented artist." He didn't say that with a note of sarcasm, he sounded as sincere as he did in his other interviews. "You just released your very first album last week. You have no label to back you up, you're a full self-made artist. You actually wrote everything, every song, every lyric, you played every single instrument on this, with the exception of one track we will speak later on. You even did the logo and the cover art! You're the full package and you're only seventeen years old! Tell us... what is the origin of Jinxed? What music did you want to create?"
Okay, questions were starting, focus- "Okay, so, Jinxed is a- statement, a vocalization of feelings and emotions I did not know how to process otherwise. I've always been an artist in the sense that I needed to see things come to life, have something palpable that I had created with my hands, y'know? I'd make these little trinkets all the time when I was little, I'd revamp my dolls with all sorts of materials, I'd draw and paint and write poems, or what passed as poems for a little kid, I DIY my clothes... Music was just another natural part of it. The strings of a guitar or the beat of drums, hearing it come to life, it's cleansing something in your soul. To see something you have inside you materialize outside in words and sound is like... your soul feels lighter, when you can expunge something that's illing you and give it shape, somehow. That way, you can control it. Jinxed is that control, that ownership of the things that are bad and that you own now, you've made them yours."
"Wow, yeah, I see that. Was metal always something you liked, a natural choice for you when it came to creating your own music?"
"Yeah, for sure. My family were all metalheads, I grew up listening to all kinds of metal, but the heavier stuff definitely resonated with me when I started to create my own music, it just felt right for what I wanted to get out of my system, y'know? There's a certain sound that just fits better with the feelings you're feeling, right? The guitar was my first instrument and the one I definitely feel more comfortable with, and I started with learning riffs from Rat Nation because that was like, the best of the best for me, y'know? But I really wanted to learn how to vocalize in actual words the feelings I had, so learning how to properly scream and place my voice was a whole trial and error. My dad wanted to get me vocal coaches and stuff but I'm like, I learn at my own pace, y'know? So I would spend hours on YouTube learning vocal tips from tutorials, trying to get my voice trained for growls and fry screams, comparing myself to my dad, obviously, but doing my experiments... Then learning how to work with a DAW, all the process that was..."
"You started playing music really young - as if you aren't young now, I know, but like, even younger."
"Well, I used to play with my mom's guitar but I only actually started learning how to play it for real when I was ten with my dad, and started posting on YouTube probably three years later, then on TikTok too around the same time? So I was pretty young, yeah. First it was just covers, but I wrote my first song when I was eleven and I think I only posted an original when I was... fourteen? My YouTube channel has these really embarrassing demos from back that time, but like, they are part of the process, and it's important for me to see them and think of where I was back then."
"Starting so young on social media, what were the bigger challenges you faced?"
"At first my dad was my mod, and I'd post some vids playing with him so people were slightly less awful, but you know how it is, there's always haters everywhere. I had the cute factor for a while, which worked both in my favor and against me, but I think that some people really started to respect my playing when it became more consistent and when I started sharing original music, even if it was terrible. Overall though, my dad filtered most of the stuff when I was younger and since then I mostly use the rage I feel for some comments to make more music, so it's a win-win." Petru laughed at that and Jinx shrugged with a smile. "But I did get good feedback on my demos throughout the years, like, the same people going to each of my videos, so that was nice. And now with the album, the feedback's been... mostly positive? Maybe?"
"I sure hope it's been positive! It's amazing to see an artist growing like that from such a young age, and then to see the first fruits of that growth with your self-titled first album. I admit I only found you very recently, when you posted your single, but it's so cool that you have your progress since a baby metalhead. What was the process behind this, what made you go from initially what was going to be an EP to a full length album?"
"Okay, so, yeah, I had already written a shitton of songs before - terrible, all of them, like I said - but I wanted to have a real thing, y'know, that I could apply an actual structure and be more cohesive, like a professional EP. Like, something I could show people and say 'this is what I do'. Now, if you've heard the album you know that it's not exactly structured and cohesive, but well, that was the plan at least. The easiest thing for me was to focus on myself and my emotions, as lame as that sounds, and I just started writing songs and I was pretty happy with my five tracks. Then some stuff happened in my life that I felt like I really needed to process somehow, and writing more music was the logical way to do it, so the EP became an actual album."
"So, Jinxed as a project and as an album is the outlet of your life, of controlling things you otherwise feel you have no control of."
She nodded. "Exactly."
"That's a pretty hard endeavour to take, but very relatable to a lot of artists. You say your album isn't structured and cohesive, but I have to disagree. I mean, normally, that'd be precisely what I would pick on, that the structure of the album could perhaps need a bit of work - which would be more than natural for a first album - but in this case I think it works perfectly and it was actually one of the first things I loved about it when I listened the first time. It surprised me in that regard, because it's a journey through your... like you said, your emotions. It's a rollercoaster, and you take full advantage of different styles in your seven tracks to take us through that spectrum. It's almost a concept album in that sense."
"Well, in a way."
"You show us a taste of the waters with a heavy, dark, almost depressive black metal first track 'Hopeless', then you hook us in the rageful 'Failures' that takes us to the gripping melodic death metal sound in 'Get Jinxed', the third track. Which is actually a pretty fun song!"
"Haha, yeah."
"Then we have a very emotionally heavy song, 'Inside of my head', with some nice clean keyboards in the mix too, and for a mood whiplash we go to the aggressive and original final track of the EP, 'Evil in Me', the only track where you have featured guests on guitar and drums."
"Yep."
"Finally, we have the two-part 'The Voices Win' and 'Same Time Tomorrow', which are massive technical feats, but man, that final scream! I got chills!"
Yes!, Jinx thought to herself with a smile. It worked. "Thank you!"
"Man, what a way to finish the album!" Petru reiterated. "When I listened to it the first time - it was cathartic, like all my demons were coming out of me, but then at the same time I felt this hollowness in the pit of my stomach when it all goes quiet and the song ends, you know, like 'What now? Where do we go from here?' And it's like you say, you know, 'same time tomorrow', or actually in this case, 'now', because it creates a nice replayability and you enter the rollercoaster again, like life, another day, another ride."
"Yeah, that was kinda my hope."
"And this is your journey, everyday, this constant struggle with emotions, this profound sadness and this rage and anger. This album is a very personal project, and it really feels that way. If the music itself wasn't clear enough, your social media posts are pretty vocal about mental health and the issues you face with your own. Do you want to talk a bit about that?"
Oh boy. Jinx wished she had the plastic skull squishie now. It wouldn't be coherent for sure, but she had tried to prepare. "So. I've struggled all my life with my mental health. I've always had loving people around me, but my parents died when I was really young and my family got really fragmented afterwards. It really left me emotionally scarred in many ways and I never learned how to manage it very well. I never felt good enough for anything, or anyone. Like I said, I've always leaned toward any artistic expression as a way out of my life, but also to make sense of it. It's... not been easy. That's not even talking about social media pressure from putting myself out there, y'know, a chick playing metal, 'cause that's a whole different can of worms, and it really doesn't help. I'm just..." Wired wrong. "Complicated. And looking for professional help never really seemed like a feasible option."
Petru had a serious expression on his face. "Did you feel like your creativity would plummet if you looked for help in any way?"
"Oh, yeah, for sure. But the thing is, I didn't really see there being actual help for me, y'know? I've been this way for so long that it's just become me. There's not one thing you can just fix it and I'll be alright, it's me that's the problem. That's what I used to believe before..." Liar."...and I'm slowly trying to change for the past few months. Shit really hit the fan recently, and I finally got a therapist, I'm medicated." Ish. "It's been... let's call it 'a process', like everything else, but it's been helpful, at least. And I wrote the last two songs while in therapy, so clearly it doesn't stop me being creative."
Petru nodded. "It's great that you've managed to reach out for help. Let's not pretend your life doesn't shape your music, but as much as I like it, I prefer to see you do it for many more years."
"Thanks."
"You've mentioned your family several times - you have a very interesting background, as in, your whole family were musicians, and damn good ones at that."
"Yeah. So..." Here we are. How to put it simply... "My biological Mom and Dad were Death and Plague from Rat Nation, and after they died I was adopted by the Hound and the Shark. And Benzo is my fun uncle."
"You know, I used to work for a magazine called LoudMess, and twenty or so years ago, I had the privilege of also interviewing what was then a newcoming and very promising young band called Rat Nation."
Jinx blinked. "Wait, that was you? Holy shit, I have that magazine, like, right here!" She grabbed it and showed it to the cam. "Right here! I was checking it to calm down, and- You did this interview?"
"Holy shit, that's the actual thing? You have it! Haha, yeah, that was me."
"Why didn't you tell me before, man?! That's so cool! ! You met everyone!"
"I interviewed them three times throughout their career. It was really cool."
"My dad told me you were a cool guy. This is great!"
"Hey, thanks for that. So you can imagine my enthusiasm listening to what music you wrote and getting an interview with you, too. The two guest artists on your album are precisely your dads, the Hound and the Shark, which are a badass addition to 'Evil in Me'."
"I had to have them in the album, I just had to. They're both so important to me and they taught me how to play, it wouldn't make sense otherwise."
"You actually own the Shark's guitar! The legacy lives on!"
Jinx cackled. She had Silco's guys steal/retrieve it from their house, complete with breaking in through the neighbors' service stairs and window jumping. Worth the risk. "The legacy lives on! His name is Fishbones, I've revamped him a bit."
"So cool, and the song was amazing, it's such a good track, so heavy but so catchy. Even though your music is very different from Rat Nation, fans were thrilled to get the opportunity to listen to them again, myself included, so, thank you for that. Obviously rumours started when you posted the single, that Rat Nation was gonna get back together or that Jinxed might be their new project, but it was a one time thing, and a labor of love for you, which any good parent understands."
Jinx swallowed dry and nodded. Yep. One time thing. A labor of love.
"Now, I imagine this is actually a double edged sword for you," he continued, "as there are surely people who think you're riding off their fame and downplay your worth because of them."
Jinx chuckled nervously. "Ah. Yeah... but I knew it'd happen. It's natural, I think. It sucks, but I get it. I don't hide who my family is or what they've given me, but I'm my own artist, with my own things to say."
"Yeah, your music is not political at all, for starters. And what you've learned, you used to create something that is you. We lost two great musicians and two great people way too soon, and of course the loss it was for you and your family cannot compare. I can only be glad that the daughter of a band that meant so much to me in my youth is starting to trail her own path now. It was challenging for me to think on how to approach this interview because of where I was, as a fan of Rat Nation. I have so many questions, but bottom line, it's just not my place to know."
Jinx blinked. That was... so thoughtful. "Oh. Thanks, man."
"You have quite the legacy and teachers, but the merit of the result is all yours. 'Cause that's the thing, you have the family ties, it's in your DNA, no one's denying it and you certainly didn't, you show it high and proud in 'Evil in Me', but you are your own artist, a versatile one at that, and make it show in every song. It's just a joy to see someone so young producing this quality music, I just, I mean, what are we gonna be blessed with in the future, you know?"
"Thank you!" Jinx pinched herself so she wouldn't start crying.
"Now, I don't think it is an album for everyone - the strong points I mentioned before, with the song structure and the different styles, can be a dealbreaker for some people, and that emotional cleansing can be draining for some, but for others, like myself, it's precisely the appeal. What is undeniable is that you have a level of dedication that makes it a really interesting experience to listen to. So, any dates planned to release physical copies?"
"Aw, man, I'd love that! So far I don't have any dates, but it depends on the demand I suppose?"
"You can put me on the queue, because I'd love to have this album on my collection. I want a signed copy! And you better get some up for sale when you start opening up live shows."
Jinx laughed to hide the suddenly pang of breathlessness the idea caused her. "That's way out of my league, man, I mean, I'd have to hire a band, and get some actual bands interested in my music to want me to open..."
"You never know, just give it time. I can definitely picture you opening up for a band like Ultima, or Genocide!"
"Ah, man, can you start smaller?! That'd be... just whoa, you know?"
"Hey, you've just given us a taste of your talent with this album. Trust yourself, you'll get there. I tend to not be wrong in this sort of thing."
"Thank you, man," Jinx said, trying so damn hard to not break the metal badass she was trying to be and thaw away in happy crying mushiness. If Petru saw it, he gave no hint. Then again, he smiled encouragingly, so maybe he did.
"Jinx, thank you so much for talking with me, I'll be on the lookout for more news from you."
"Thank you, Petru. Thanks everyone for watching the interview!"
"I'll leave the link to Jinxed's YouTube channel and Bandcamp down below. Go check out her music and support her because we want this album in CD and vinyl and we want you to open up for a big band, because you deserve it. Until next time!"
Jinx waved at the cam while Petru clicked away on his side.
"That's a wrap," he said, satisfied. "How do you feel?"
"I feel... great, actually." Jinx was being honest.
"See, you had nothing to worry about."
"Thanks so much for the opportunity, man."
"You're welcome. I'll post the interview either tomorrow or the day after, but I'll tag you so you'll see it, okay?"
"Yessir!"
"Take care, Jinx! Think about a digipack release, for real."
"Will do. Bye!"
After a few seconds, the call ended. Jinx breathed out all the air in her lungs and let herself sink in the bed.
That was... great. Her first interview. Her first interview, and it'd gone great.
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!
Jinx squeaked loudly and yeeted the laptop off of her, throwing her legs up and down in excitement. Holy shit!
She had to tell them! She had to tell-
Oh.
Right.
It was complicated.
Was it?, or did she just make it? Doc T said...
Doc T doesn't know shit. Vi was stabbed because of you. Vi lied.
I don't care, a part of her replied. Vi was right there, just a few taps away. She'd be happy, wouldn't she?
They'll hate you for it, you're just using them. Isn't it better to message her for something good than when she's feeling like shit? She would share a good moment, pretend there was nothing wrong - Nothing wrong? She lied, she got hurt because of you-
Oh for fuck's sake, leave me alone! She snapped and threw the closest thing at hand, which by some lucky accident was the magazine and not the laptop. When she realized what she'd done, she stood up and picked it from the floor, straightening the pages that hadn't got too bent.
See.
Shut up.
Her happiness was fleeing between her fingers like metaphorical sand and she tried desperately to scrap it back up. No, no, you've worked too hard for this, enjoy it. She wanted to feel happy. She wanted to hold on to the feeling, for once. Believe it was real - it was real, she wanted to prove it was real. She couldn't call Silco or Vander, but Vi was right there. Ekko said to call him. They'll be happy for me.
She wanted to be happy with them. Why did it have to be complicated?
Because they lied.
People sometimes do stupid shit with good intentions.
Sure. That was a nice phrase. Not like it made crossing that bridge easier, or changed the hurt caused.
That was her in a nutshell, wasn't it?
Huh.
What had Ekko told her a million times, way before this whole shit derailed, and a hundred more since? They loved her. Unconditionally.
They had hurt her. Their good intentions had hurt her. Same way Jinx's good intentions always hurt people around her.
It seemed so hard to forgive herself. It seemed impossible to forgive herself. How would anyone?
But Ekko had said... And he looked so happy to see her.
Do people really do stupid shit when they love each other?
That was her in a nutshell, wasn't it?
Jinx picked her backpack, searching for her phone. She bit her lip as she opened her DMs and typed two simple words:
hey vi
She breathed out.
There. That's a start.
Then she went over to Ekko's DMs and hit videochat.
.
.
.
Mel Medarda would begin the exhaustive investigation on Camille Ferros in the following months. The moment an attept was made on her life, she would go public with her findings. Renata Glasc would end up working with her.
.
.
.
Silco and Vander's cases would be prosecuted surprisingly fast, as soon as they were able to leave the hospital.
Silco would get convicted of tax fraud with a sizable fine and two years of effective jail time. Renata appealed and the request to serve sentence in house arrest was denied. He won the defamation case, however, new investigations would resume later on. Should all his crimes be proven and prosecuted, he would face ninety nine years without the possibility of parole.
Vander would get convicted of second degree attempted murder, with a sentence of fifteen years and the possibility of parole after ten years. Should his previous attempt be proven, it would increase to fifty years.
Thanks to Camille interference, they would both serve part of their sentences in Stillwater Prison.
.
.
.
Jinx would spend her eighteenth birthday with Vi, Ekko, Claggor, Mylo and Lux.
.
.
.
the end
.
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Author's Huge Final Note Part 1 With Many Links (much more accessable in ao3)
In these past months we started watching The Sopranos, so you can imagine how that therapy session went in my mind. Doctor Tira is not like Doctor Melfi at all, but it was just nice to have something with a similar setting.
The art Jinx made was inspired by an artist my Mother found some months ago and I started following called Meriam Awada instagram dot com / ?igshid=MmU2YjMzNjRlOQ= , but with a Jinx-color twist. The name of the piece mentioned here, however, comes from a drawing I made many years ago deviantart dot com/hoshisamavalmor/art/sweet-candy-overdose-461697029 . The reason behind the piece is different from Jinx's, but I decided to repurpose it. My "style" came to be all those years ago by attempting to mimic the dripping of ink with ballpoint pen, so the artist's work is really cool because of that, it's like what I wished I could do on watercolor paper, but much more expressive. I know the subject is more human than Jinx's art should be considering canon, but I felt like it would be right in this verse. Just wanted to share.
I did the best I knew how with minimum research on the portuguese metal magazine Loud! interviews but mostly on Pedro's interviews on A P Reacts youtube channel youtube dot com/ APREACTS . Water cans (Liquid Death dot org/wiki/Liquid_Death ) are also something I only know exist because of them, so there's the nod. I also peeked this Farvann video youtube dot com/watch?v=uy7Y0eQ83tY for basic reference I probably should've done in the beginning lol Also this page is really cool on teaching how to scream instagram dot com/zenofscreaming?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA=
Petru's line that paraphrases "I have so many questions, and so many aren't my business" comes from this amazing Linkin Park interview youtube dot com/watch?v=LZ_zO1Uqimw . That guy is probably the best interviewer I've seen.
'Genocide' is a blackened death metal band for Eren of Shingeki no Kyojin created by Katrina_Rice for her fanfic 'Delirious' archiveofourown dot org/works/29536941/chapters/72578892 , which was in turn inspired by the art of Columbo on twitter twitter dot com/ThisUserIsAngry/status/1469719474731376650 . I drew the logo for the band and made a metalhead cospoor inspired in it instagram dot com/p/CqvZOunIosK/ Yes, it felt really weird to type in the name so casually when the world is currently at the dark place it is. It is also grimly convenient that Shingeki ended during these days.
'Ultima' is a black metal band I created for Lulu of Final Fantasy X for a future metalhead cospoor I'm planning (the name comes from the most powerful black magic in the game). Here's the logo that was approved by my black metal colleague hannibalcatharsis-zero tumblr com/post/722272967855341568/lulus-black-metal-band-logo-design-named-after# . I will add a little video when the time comes I cosplay her.
I want to eventually do Silco's metalhead version too, which will be how he's described here in the band poster but with his scar to make him somewhat recognizable. I've started hannibalcatharsis-zero tumblr com /post/722306054271139840/silcos-metalhead-cosplay-start . Someday.
The name inspirations for the songs of Jinxed are:
- 'Hopeless', from 'Hope(less)' by Mars Mantra
- 'Failures', from 'Mirrors of Failure' by Mars Mantra
- 'Get Jinxed', obviously
- 'Inside of my head', directly quoted from 'Life Sentence' by Chelsea Grin, and I really struggled not to put the whole lyrics as a title because I technically already did that on a fanfic. But I discovered the song through Misstiq's cover of it, which has keyboards
- 'Evil in Me', an obvious play on 'Evil in You' by Kalmah
- 'The Voices Win' is taken after the fanfic by necropsy archiveofourown org/works/37348936/chapters/93195586 . Buckle up for pain if you read this one
- 'Same Time Tomorrow' felt like a nice name for a final track.
Jinx's next album would sink even more into a depressive and aggressive sound due to reasons, but for her third I think she would go more dark fun and avant guard like Tardigrade Inferno with songs like 'The Worst of Me' and 'Execution is Fun!', as a different way to deal with grief and her pain. They're really fun songs, I really love 'The Worst of Me' but the videoclip for 'Execution is Fun' can be a bit gory. This fic is M rated anyway, so blood is to be expected.
Also, she'd get into air acrobatics like this cosplayer ryann . kaykay . Look how beautiful that is! instagram com /reel/CmvAxheo6v2/?igshid=MmU2YjMzNjRlOQ=
The sense of joy Petru describes of seeing someone young be really good at something creative is directly based on what I feel when I look at a cosplayer like _bansheecosplay instagram com_bansheecosplay?igshid=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA= Just you wait until she posts her newest cosplay.
The best/literal example I can think of using bad comments to fuel creativity is Lord of the Lost's 'Leave your hate in the comments' youtu dot be/BHlkhzJEy8I?si=h7NVn_11ad7Gp22Z
Allow me to share some fun videos with the following vibes:
Vander in the band instagram dot com/reel/Cr8rzwvvKe6/?igshid=MmU2YjMzNjRlOQ=
The boys having fun instagram com/reel/Cs-7zp1LWlW/?igshid=MmU2YjMzNjRlOQ=
Vander and baby Powder instagram dot com/reel/CsBmKLAMD1n/?igshid=MmU2YjMzNjRlOQ=
Silco with baby Vi and baby Powder instagram com/reel/Cu3K-jHs9K0/?igshid=MmU2YjMzNjRlOQ=
Ava with child Vi instagram com/reel/CwJcLPEN9eP/?igshid=MmU2YjMzNjRlOQ=
Silco and Vander if they got old instagram com/reel/CvsSD0hOk5L/?igshid=MmU2YjMzNjRlOQ=
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Author's Final Note Part 2:
And at long last, it is done.
I actually have a plan to write a sequel. :')
An idea, at least. It would follow Silco and Vander in prison and deal with like the year after this. It sounds like the perfect setting for a shipping fic I know lol but it would be old bros finding relunctant ways to mend some bridges that can't really be mended, and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep myself from showing how everyone else is doing too because they need to get their stuff together too (Mylo and Jinx would have a long conversation, for instance, and Vi would have a very long conversation). Problem is, this sequel would pack a very heavy emotional punch that I'm not sure I want or know how to write. And apparently I manifest stuff, I'm oh so powerful so I fear I'll manifest what I want to explore only in a mental sandbox. Besides, like this very fic started as, the idea of the sequel solely comes from an equally whimsical wish to write a single line. And writing a full multichaptered fic with a really heavy emotional toll because of 1 line might not be the wisest choice, as you can understand. So I don't know. I wanted to finish this fic to be freed of it, but of course I had to find ways to bind my mind to anything other than real life. I have another idea from Shingeki no Kyojin that has made its way into my brain again but it's just as hard as this, probably harder. Right now, I don't feel like writing anything. I want to sleep. I want to soak in inspiration I can't seem to grasp to try to give purpose to my life. So I can't tell you how it'll go, and I'll try to let this rest as the accomplishment it is. It's done, without a closed ending because there's a lot of life and problems in the future to tackle. Who knows if that will be explored or not.
Like I said in chapter 13, this fic is basically vibes and family drama. I wanted to write it because I wanted to imagine them being metalheads and having Silco and Vander come together to protect Jinx. I think I had many plot conveniences and overall a weak plot sometimes if you think about it too much, but it's done. I hope I managed to create something entertaining.
As of November 13 2023 this is my longest fic, almost twice as long than the previous title owner, it's the longest time working exclusively on a single story I have done, and has way more views, bookmarks and feedback than any of my other fics in 14 years doing this. Something must have worked to catch your attention. I blame the summary.
Thank you for reading. I am not physically able to thank all kudos but I can thank the reviewers M4RCY, AshtonBlue, Alishatheninth, autistic_artemis, Lore_T, KaityCameleon, talong17, Cherrybomb118, MidnightWitchMagic, Macie, Nerodith, Kalopsia777, Knov_v, It_is_me_Idk, EvilSquirrels, soullessbeing, Abacaxau, letterstorosie, dekompensation, Lailalailola, Linore, zeyy_y, Skreero, Mike, Louiseyurei, Pattes_de_Fruits and Guest. Look how many of you there are, holy shit.
Thanks to my friend Near, my hip hop friend, my black metal colleague, my metal battle vest colleague, my boss, and my Mother and Brother for surviving me.
Here's a little silly video I did with my cospoor that was the seed to start considering this fic, because all I wanna do when I have those braids is whoosh instagram dot com /p/CnCw2eEpX_2/
See you around.
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