364TW- mentions of foster care, unwanted pregnancy, child abandonment (of sorts)
6th June 1994
"Sirius, you have to go!" Harry called frantically. Ignoring his godson for the moment, he turned to the tiny girl beside him.
"In a minute Harry. I wanted to thank you both. Hermione was it?" He peered down at his godson's friend warily, Buckbeak tossing his head impatiently as he was forced to wait.
The girl shook her head, a flash of what could only be called loathing dancing across her face, it wasn't the first time he had seen it tonight but still, it was all he could do not to rear back from her in shock.
"I'm nobody." She replied, her tone even so Harry missed the undercurrent but the way she looked him dead in the eye as she said it made him shiver. A small jolt of fear shot through him as he contemplated what he had done to make this miniature witch hate him. If he was honest, he didn't really want to contemplate it. He had an inkling, she looked far too much like someone he used to know and Hermione wasn't exactly a common name, but still, he prayed to every deity listening that he was wrong. He wanted so desperately to be wrong.
He turned Buckbeak slightly, preparing to leave, his hand ruffling Harry's hair as she watched cooly on. Her mask was firmly in place. Fuck. She looked like Andy when she did that, he realised. The Andy who had stood fearlessly in front of her sister as she fired curses at her for daring to marry for love. The one that knew that she wasn't important to her family, not in comparison to their image anyway, and was protecting herself against the hurt by refusing to show them it. Fucking fuck!
He flew off into the night before he could do something stupid like ask her.
8th June 1994
Remus found him hiding in his house two days later.
"I think Harry's friend Hermione is my daughter,'' he blurted in lieu of greeting his oldest friend.
Remus froze in the doorway, his jaw dropping slightly. "Pardon?"
"Hermione. I think she's mine." He looked at his friend properly then, discomfited to find his face utterly blank. Running an agitated hand through his hair he continued, "Fuck Moony. I'm also certain she fucking hates me."
"Explain." Remus snarled, his eyes flashing momentarily amber as his mask slipped.
Sirius felt his eyes widen involuntarily in shock as he scrambled to find the words. "She…. remember how Marlene disappeared before James and Lily went into hiding?" Remus nodded slowly. "She was pregnant. I….we set her up in a safehouse. I saw her regularly for a while before it became clear that I was being closely watched. The baby was maybe four months old? I…fuck. Everyone assumed Marlene died with the McKinnon's."
"Did you check?"
"What?" Sirius could hear the bewilderment in his own voice. Had he checked what?
"Did you check?"
Oh. Marlene. "No, I….I was being followed and it put them in danger. I just wanted them to be safe."
"Marlene did die with the McKinnons," Remus replied coldly. " I was the one who identified her because you weren't fucking there. We still have no idea what happened, what made her go that night but she did and she died because of it."
"What? Fuck that doesn't make sense! Who the fuck is my daughter living with?" The jolt of genuine fear he felt shocked him slightly. She would have gone somewhere safe, wouldn't she? Marlene would have put something in place, she had adored the girl.
"You never fucking checked on them Pads! Why the fuck do you care now!"
"I cared then!" Sirius howled.
"Did you?" Sirius sat abruptly. His head spinning as he attempted to work out what the fuck was going on. None of this conversation was going as he had imagined it. "Hermione is fostered." Remus continued, his speech tightly controlled, "She has been since she was two. The elves waited on you until it was obvious you weren't coming for her. She was dropped off at a muggle hospital on the first of November 1981. She's had multiple homes. Odd things kept happening so she was moved from place to fucking place. The Granger's are her longest placement and only then because it's now fucking explainable and she spends most of her fucking time not there!"
Sirius blanched. "Fuck." He whispered.
"How the fuck could you!" Remus howled, his temper snapping as he rounded on him. "How the fuck could you not fucking check! You had a fucking baby Pads! A baby that as far as you knew, none of us knew about to check on! And you just fucking left her. I can't say I'd be surprised if she hated you and I certainly don't blame her. She almost killed herself this year with a fucking time turner because her need to be fucking perfect so she gets to stay is beyond unhealthy. She deals with abuse due to her apparent blood status here and abuse due to accidental magic elsewhere. She's exhausted and angry and...so fucking sad."
"You knew," Sirius whispered, interrupting Remus' rant as the sudden realisation washed over him, closely followed by a tsunami of guilt. " Do….will I ever be able to fix it?"
Remus looked at him coldly before he seemed to slump. "Honestly Pads? I doubt it but you're going to have to try. I've been visiting her regularly for years. I was never allowed to take her but I sure as fuck wasn't just abandoning her like you did. Marlene made me godfather when she was about six months old. I have no idea if she'll ever trust you, she learned early on that she couldn't really trust anyone."
Sirius dropped his head into his hands, "Fuck." He muttered. "She definitely knows then?"
"Of course she does. Was I just supposed to ignore her questions? How the fuck could you just disappear when James and Lily went into hiding?"
"They were following me, they suspected I was their Secret Keeper and as you know, I was for a while. I thought I would put them in more danger. I thought I'd be putting James in more danger."
"Pull the fucking other one." Remus snarled derisively, "You could have fucking stayed with them. Stayed with your daughter rather than whatever the hell it was you were doing. You'd have been fucking safe there."
"Marlene was meant to be on the fucking potion!" Sirius hissed, "we weren't meant to have a baby! There was too much going on, you remember what it was like. You were away half the time, James and Lily were struggling being forced to hide and Death Eaters were fucking everywhere!"
"Ah. So because Marlene forgot a dose, or deliberately didn't take one, who the fuck knows, Hermione had to pay for it. And of course, James and Lily struggling meant that you couldn't be with be with your daughter, obviously, they had to come fucking first. Not her. Well, at least you're finally being honest."
"It wasn't like that!" He shivered at the look in Remus' eyes.
"Wasn't it? That little girl has been shoved from pillar to fucking post her entire life. The only person she has ever seen regularly is me. I was the one that had to explain to her when she was three, four, five, why as much as I fucking loved her, she couldn't live with me, even though I knew she was fucking miserable. And you know what was fucking worse? By the time she was six, she'd stopped asking. She'd learned not to. I was the one that had to pretend not to see her cry when I forced her to go back into those fucking homes with people who were fucking scared of her. And eventually, I was the one that had to live with the guilt when she no longer fucking cried, she just went. That fucking mask she has, it kills me. So you tell me exactly how it wasn't Hermione that was punished because you had your head so far up your own arse that you couldn't see that none of this was her fault. I hope she does speak to you, Sirius, because I cannot wait to hear how you explain to your daughter how your friends were more important than she was. That your godson came fucking first. Did you ever even think of her when you were trying to save Harry this year?"
Without giving him a chance to reply, Remus stormed out of the room, the slamming door so violently the house shook leaving Sirius to sit in stunned silence, wondering where the fuck he went from here.
2nd July 1994
Several weeks later, Sirius was at the table with Remus having breakfast while discussing possible locations he could visit while trying to avoid the Ministry, when a small barn owl swooped into the room, depositing a letter onto Remus' toast. He watched the slightly incredulous look that flew across his friend's face with interest. They'd reached an uneasy truce. Sirius knew that Remus was still furious with him but neither of them had brought up Hermione since; he had the strangest feeling that Remus was waiting on him to do it.
Dear Uncle Remus.
Perhaps it's time to claim the McKinnon name now. Harry deserves a family.
H.
"Girlfriend?" he asked with a grin.
"Goddaughter," Remus replied succinctly, his eyes reading the message again before he sighed, scribbling a reply on another piece of parchment.
H.
Perhaps something to discuss in person? How long until you leave the Granger's?
Love you,
Uncle R.
"How is she?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant. He wasn't yet sure what to do about this daughter of his.
"Fine," Remus replied shortly. "If another owl comes make sure I get it immediately please."
Sirius nodded silently, allowing the subject to drop.
The owl came just after lunch, Remus tearing through the wax impatiently.
Uncle R
That doesn't make you sound less old, you know. I'm due at the Weasley's in a just over a fortnight. You are still coming, right?
H
H,
I'll pop by the Granger's and see you before you relocate. And of course, I'm still coming, silly girl! As if I'd miss Quidditch! And I'll have you know I'm not old!
Love you,
Your amazingly young Uncle.
Sirius watched as Remus watched the bird leave with a thoughtful expression on his face before he stood abruptly and headed for the floo. Deciding that interfering with whatever was going on in Remus' head wasn't wise, he headed off in search of Buckbeak, still pondering what was in the letters his daughter was sending his oldest friend.
H
Visited Grangers, you're not there, it's not even been a week! Where are you?
Uncle R.
Safe. I'll see you in a fortnight, I'll be fine until then.
What's got your tail in a twist? Sirius asked as Remus frantically exited the floo two hours later.
"Hermione's fucking missing!" He growled. "I visited the Grangers, apparently she no longer fucking lives there. She's not at the Weasely's; I have no fucking idea where she is!"
Sirius froze. "You don't know where she is? Do you have any way of getting in touch with her?"
"Beyond owl? None. For fucks sake!" Remus growled. "I should have bloody put that tracking charm on her instead of just fucking threatening it!"
"Why would you have had to threaten to track her?" Sirius asked, frowning, knowing that he probably didn't want to know.
"Because she's run away more than once? Because she was bullied at school and hid frequently? Because as wonderful as most of her foster parents have been there always been a very real level of fear when she did the inexplicable or her temper made things fucking explode."
"How often is more than once?"
"Sirius why the fuck do you care?" Remus sighed with an edge to his voice that instantly made Sirius bristle.
"She's my daughter! Of course, I fucking care!"
"She was your daughter before too and you didn't give a fuck Pads. Forgive me if I find the concern now slightly hard to believe!"
"Are you ever going to forgive me?" Sirius asked quietly, dreading the answer. Remus was about all he had left.
Remus shrugged. "You're one of my best friends but honestly, I'm really struggling. That little girl deserved fucking better. Have you even tried to reach out? I know you're writing to Harry."
"I don't know what to say."
Remus nodded. "Of course, you don't. They're friends though, Harry and Hermione. She'll know. And do you know what's sad? I don't even think she'll be surprised."
Sirius flinched. "I don't know what to do Moony!"
"No. No, you know exactly what you should do but for whatever reason, you won't. And that's your choice. I hope Harry is worth it."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that he's a good kid. He reminds me a lot of James but he's not always the best friend to Hermione, I've wanted to knock sense into him more than once this year. But more than that, you're choosing him. Again. And as I said, that's your choice. But that girl is your daughter and she fucking deserves better than you and your half-arsed excuses. By all means decide you don't want to be a parent, or perhaps more accurately, her parent. But don't fucking dress it up in pretty lies to make yourself feel better."
Sirius wasn't sure Remus had ever spoken to him like that in his life. Didn't he understand? Hermione had him in her corner, Harry had no one. He'd told him what those muggles were like. Her life might not have been ideal but Hermione was clearly better cared for, Harry needed him more. And he needed him, he was his last little bit of his brother.
He could vividly remember James' excitement when they announced Lily's pregnancy, asking him to be godfather. It contrasted sharply with the rage laced fear he felt when a distraught Marlene had given him the same news. He hadn't been ready for a baby. Not then. Harry had been a joy, a small slice of happiness in a time when there was little. As much as it pained him to admit it, Hermione had been a complication he had neither wanted nor needed.
Remus shook his head, disgust was written clearly over his face when he didn't bother to answer before moving to sit down in the hopes he could come up with somewhere, anywhere new to try to look for Hermione, they both allowed the silence to lapse.
"Moxie." Remus tried eventually, his face thoughtful.
A tiny elf in a purple pillowcase appeared at his feet. "Master Wolfy bes calling Moxie."
Remus almost sagged in relief. "I wasn't sure that would work."
"The little Mistress bes telling Moxie to always comes if her Uncles bes calling."
"The little Mistress….you've met Hermione."
The look the elf gave him could only be described as scathing. "The little Mistress was not with her family. Ofs course Moxie bes watching over her."
"Oh thank fuck." Remus breathed, "Do you know where she is?"
The elf frowned, "The Little Mistress bes being at home."
"Pardon?" Remus stared back utterly bewildered while Sirius listened with interest behind them.
Moxie sighed, "I can bes taking Master Wolfy to the little Mistress." her eyes hardened as she looked at Sirius. "The bad man whos bes making Moxies Mistresses cry can bes staying here. The Little Mistress has been telling Moxie that she's not wanting to see him. Not that she thinks hes be wanting to see her. Moxie tried to argue with the Little Mistress, she's wonderful, why wouldn't the bad man bes wanting to see her but she told Moxie that she knew better. Shes be saying that shes was a mistake. Moxie has no idea how anyone could bes thinking her Little Mistress was a mistake but maybe the bad man bes being so bad that he bes stupid too. Come along Master Wolfy."
Remus blinked, taking the hand of the determined little elf and disappearing from view leaving a stunned Sirius alone in the house.
"Hermione! Oh, thank the Gods!" Remus rushed forward at the sight of his goddaughter curled into a ball in the library, a book in hand.
"Uncle Remus! How did you get here?"
"I remembered the name of your mother's elf and decided to try calling her. She brought me."
"Ah."
"McKinnon Hall?"
"Yes. I'm not going back, Uncle Remus. You can't make me."
"Hermione," he sighed.
"No." Her face hardened.
"You can't live here alone."
"I'm not alone, I have Moxie. And….and maybe you could stay a few days a week?"
Remus sunk into the sofa beside her, pulling her tightly to him. "Oh darling girl, I'd stay all the time if you'd let me."
"I would, you know." She murmured. "I…I just wasn't sure you'd want to. I know you have other things to do."
"Hermione. None of them are more important than you. But…if the Ministry finds out, they won't let you stay here."
Hermione snorted, "Like they could get through the wards. The only people allowed in are you and me. I considered adding Harry but I don't think I want to after this year."
"What else happened?" he asked instantly.
Hermione shrugged, not looking at him. "I'm not stupid. I know he's more Ron's friend than mine. I know that I'm…hard to like. Bossy. A know-it-all."
"Hermione," Remus whispered, all of a sudden at a loss.
"It's ok Uncle Remus. I…I've known all along. This year just reminded me that I got too comfortable before. I won't make that mistake again."
"Oh, my darling girl." He paused as he pulled her tighter to him. "You are amazing exactly as you are and if Harry can't see that it's his loss."
"You have to say that." she sniffed.
"I absolutely do not. I mean every word. You have no idea, Hermione, how much I love you."
"I love you too, Uncle Remus."
"I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling her stiffen he hurried to explain. "Relax darling girl. I'm not forcing you to go anywhere ever again. Doing it before almost killed me, Hermione, I would have done anything to keep you with me but the laws….if they'd have found out, and someone would have, they'd have taken you away and I have no idea where they would have put you. They'd never have let me anywhere near you again though and I couldn't take that risk."
"You wanted me?" She whispered.
"Oh, Hermione. Of course, I did, darling girl, of course, I did." He held her so tightly it had to be painful as she fell apart.
4th July 1994
"Uncle Remus?"
"Hmmm?" Remus dragged his eyes away from his breakfast to the amused face of his goddaughter.
"I meant what I said in my first letter. I may be struggling with him at the moment but the muggles Harry stays with are awful. He deserves a family."
Remus held her gaze, seeing no lie on her face and wondered how she did it. He was fighting the urge to tear Sirius limb from limb, and his goddaughter, the girl who believed she wasn't worth loving, was offering the bastard his freedom on a plate. He wondered if Sirius would ever understand what he had lost.
"Are you sure?" he asked carefully.
Hermione shrugged. "No. But I'm tired of pretending. I will not go back to another home."
"Alright, darling girl. If that's what you want. We can….actually I don't know how we go about it. Gringotts first perhaps?"
She nodded. "Tomorrow then."
"Tomorrow?"
"I need to do it before I allow how angry I am at them all to talk me out of it. It wouldn't be right but I need…I need to work myself up to it first."
He sighed, observing her carefully. "Have you heard from any of them?"
She shook her head. "I didn't expect to. They only write if I write first and quite honestly, I didn't want to."
His heart hurt at the flash of pain that travelled over her face, despite her words, their silence hurt her. He wanted to scoop her up and take her far, far away from it all. Somewhere remote. Where he could protect her from all the people who were too stupid to see how fucking wonderful she was. He was too scared to broach the subject of new friends. Friends who weren't arseholes. So he bit his tongue.
"We can go after lunch tomorrow then, sweetheart. Hermione?"
Yes?"
"What are you going to do if they ask about guardianship?"
She shrugged. "I technically exist within the muggle care system. I doubt any of them are going to care enough to check."
He winced as he realised she was likely right, at least for just now. "I still think we need a backup plan."
"Oh?"
"Will you trust me?" He asked, cursing himself for not having considered this solution years ago. Her eyes were wary but she nodded slowly. "Then wait for me. I'll hopefully not be long."
"Remus. To what do we owe the pleasure?" Ted Tonks was as jovial as he always was and in any other lifetime, Remus might have liked the man. As it was, he wasn't sure he would ever forgive him for backing Andromeda's knee-jerk decision all those years ago. It wasn't fair, and deep down he knew it but that didn't stop the rage he felt for the woman who could have helped but chose not to.
"I needed a word with Andromeda if possible" he replied blandly, his face deliberately twisted into a pleasant mask.
"Ah, she's in the kitchen. Come through."
"Remus!" Andromeda's eyes widened.
"Andromeda." he acknowledged, tilting his head.
"You're here about Sirius," she stated, leaning back into Ted as if drawing strength.
"Yes and no," he admitted.
"Oh?"
"Sirius is innocent," he said bluntly, noting Andromeda's growing paleness. "Albus told Hermione and Harry Potter that no one would believe them if they told anyone but Pettigrew was the Potter's Secret Keeper. We almost had him at the end of the last school year but he escaped. Harry and Hermione then helped Sirius escape before the Minister had him Kissed."
"Oh my," she whispered, her hand covering her mouth in shock.
"Indeed." he sneered. "You left an innocent little girl to the mercy of the muggle care system because you apparently couldn't forgive her father for not being what you thought he was."
"That's not fair Remus," Ted interjected. "
"No. What's not fair is that Hermione was fucking abandoned. That my hands were tied by the fucking Ministry, that even now, that fucking arsehole cannot put her first. You owe her. You know you do. She's going to claim the Mckinnon name, despite everything, she believes that Harry Potter, the boy her father loves above all others, deserves a family. And she knows that she'll be taken more seriously as a Pureblood. I'm not asking you to take her in, I won't make that fucking mistake again, but if the Ministry starts pushing, and I think they will eventually, I need you to take on her guardianship. She'll live with me. You don't need to do anything other than sign a form and meet with Minerva to ensure she knows what's really going on."
"I….she could come here," Andromeda whispered.
"No," he replied coldly. "She could not. You didn't want her when she really needed you, you don't fucking get her now things have changed."
Andromeda swallowed harshly. "I'll sign the form."
"Fine. We're going to the Ministry tomorrow. I'll send a Patronus if we need you."
Andromeda nodded, her face mirroring the devastation Remus felt every time he replayed the memory of her turning him down, even as he begged, all those years before.
"Remus?" Ted sounded more shaken than Remus had ever heard him. "Will….will she ever forgive us, do you think?"
"No. Not if I've got anything to do with it." He ignored Andromeda's sobs. It was all far too late and he no longer cared to pretend he wasn't furious with them all.