12Thanks to the following people for dropping a review: Nirianne, Hillary Granger, Black Eilla, shinobuwrites and Cutetyhil! Hope you enjoy this chapter!
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Hilary fought the urge to roll her eyes at the visuals on the screen before her. There was a couple on some soap opera show, walking alongside the beach at sunset, their fingers intertwined with each other. The usual couple-y things which only served to remind her of how she'd never get a taste of that experience herself.
"That's never going to be me," she murmured. Why did people hold hands anyway? It wasn't as if they were going to get lost. She supposed it was one of those things that people did if they were meant to be relationship-material. Maybe she was just being a cynical bastard again. Maybe she was supposed to be alone forever. Maybe romance was only supposed to happen to the lucky fortunate few who deserved it.
Turning the television off, Hilary replaced the remote control with her phone. There was a notification for Facebook. Her heart skipped a beat. Several hours ago, she had posted a few new images – one of some ducks, one of herself posing in her new yellow sundress, and lastly one of some cool-looking rabbit-shaped clouds. Maybe it was dumb to get a rush of excitement at seeing that notification pop up – maybe she really had sunk to an all-time new low – but she hoped it was Tyson.
She brought up the notification and her heart sank. No. Nothing from her object of affection. It was Julia liking her photos. Naturally. Hilary sighed. Why was being human so damn hard? Why couldn't people just have an off button? What if she didn't want to feel anything anymore? Holding back a frustrated sigh, Hilary flopped down onto her bed. "I need to talk more about this," she told herself. She needed another opinion. Maybe that would help clear her mind.
Mariam would know what to do. Mariam always had answers. She wasn't best friends with the blader, but the two had developed an understanding of each other. It didn't mean she'd divulge in all her secrets to the blader, but when it came to men, who better to ask than the queen herself? She dialled Mariam's number and waited for the girl to answer.
"I have a bit of a confession to make," Hilary said over the phone, doing her best to the conceal the growing edge of excitement in her tone.
"What's up girl?"
She gripped the phone as if she feared it might slip out of her hands. "I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think… I think I might like Tyson. I mean, we get on really well, and I think he gets on with me better than everyone else. I think he's just… closer with me, you know? That he values my company over the others."
"What makes you say that?"
"He's just… more friendly with me. We bond well over humour, he's emotionally open with me, and it really seems he likes my company."
There was a pause then, "Hilary."
"Yes?"
"You're overthinking things," Mariam said. "Tyson is nice to everyone… that doesn't mean he wants to bang you. Just because a guy is nice to you, it doesn't that he fancies you."
Well, that was a punch to the face and a kick in the gut.
"But…"
Mariam gave an exasperated sigh. "Guys and girls can just be friends without it being a romance, Hilary. He might like your company, but he likes everyone. Don't get your hopes up. I don't want to see you get hurt," she stated so matter-of-factly it stung.
Hilary was starting to regret having confided in Mariam. The girl was giving her the answers she didn't want too here. Sure, a realistic perspective was important, but did she have to be so… discouraging?
"I know I'm not imagining things," Hilary said though her tone lacked conviction. "I'm sure he enjoys my company more than others." But what if Mariam was right? What if she was just getting her hopes up over someone who didn't like her back in the way she wanted?
"Hilary. Come on. I know Tyson too. He's also a friend of mine… and a friend to everyone, and he doesn't treat you any differently. He's just a friendly guy."
It was hard not to feel some resentment. "I thought you would've been more supportive."
"I just don't want you to get your hopes up. The heart is a fragile thing, Hilary. They're not so easily repaired."
Hilary bit down on her bottom lip, the weight of shame piling on her shoulders. Had she really been this much of a blind fool? Insecurities penetrated her mind. She was a fool. A helpless fool. Tyson had never shown interest in females nor dating before so why would he suddenly start caring? He was probably asexual. Like Kai. An asexual monster.
It was like all the lights turning dim at once, the weight of shame dragging her further down. "Yeah. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am overthinking things."
"Just trying to be realistic, that's all. As I said, I don't want you to fall hard. Anyways. I've got to go. Dunga wants to watch Bambi again. Bye." She hung up on the phone.
Somehow, Mariam's words did not seem genuine. Did the girl even care? It was hard to know but she couldn't reverse time. Mariam had shared her thoughts.
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"Does he like me or is he just being friendly?" Hilary read aloud as she typed the question into the Google search box. Yup. Now she had really sunk to an all-time new low, but who else could she ask without feeling like a total moron? At least Google wouldn't mock her. "Consulting love advice on the internet… Am I really this sad? I suppose it'll be our little secret," she said. Maybe the stars had written her life to be one of loneliness. She clicked on the first link.
Pay attention to his body language.
Notice how he talks to you.
Watch for signs of flirting.
See if he reaches out to you.
Notice how much time he spends with you.
Watch for signs of physical contact.
"Well, this isn't very helpful," she muttered. "Body language? He's open with everyone. Talking? He's friendly and funny with everyone. Flirting? What the heck is that? Telling funny jokes? Playful banter? Yeah, I guess so. Initiating conversation? Sometimes, yeah, but he's an extrovert. He spends a lot of time with the boys. Physical contact? Not really."
Her shoulders dropped. Maybe Mariam was right after all. Tyson was just being friendly. Besides, the guy had never shown interest in females before as romantic partners, so why would he start now? She exited the website and sighed. Why did she have to be emotionally interested in someone who could never reciprocate? And why the hell now? She had known him for years. Bloody hormones. Bloody emotions. Bloody everything really.
Hilary laid down on her bed, pulling the sheets towards her chin. Mariam had believed she was overthinking things – maybe the 'signals' Tyson had been showing her was just a result of her sad desperate mind conjuring up false hope. Had she been so foolish to jump to such a conclusion? "Ugh. Stupid Mariam. What would you know?"
More than you, said a nasty little voice in the back of her mind.
"Shut up, you," Hilary scolded herself, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She sat upright. "I'm going to see Mariah. God, I need some fresh air." Without wasting another thought, Hilary exited her room.
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"She told me I was overthinking things - that I shouldn't get my hopes up," Hilary complained to Mariah. They were at the beach sitting under the shade of a palm tree. She needed air and what better place than at the beach before the beautiful crushing waves? It was such a majestic day too – clear blue sunny skies and a fresh breeze. Yet, her mood remained glum.
Mariah gasped. "She said that? How unsupportive. What a bitch."
"You know… Maybe she's right. Maybe it really is all just in my head."
Mariah rolled her eyes and flipped her ponytail over her right shoulder. "People don't just start randomly thinking this much about someone else if they never gave you a reason to think this way. When did you start thinking about Tyson in this manner?"
"We'd been spending more time together… Just the two of us and it got me thinking… Wow, he can be quite sweet. I always thought he was some loud-mouthed, obnoxious buffoon, but he's got such a sensitive side." She chuckled at the thought then remembered she wasn't alone. Smile fading, she added, "I feel comfortable with him, you know? And it never really sunk in because there was always someone else around – Daichi, Max, Kenny, Rei, Kai even… And so on."
"But when it was just the two of you, you really got to know him better."
"Yeah, but what if he acted like this with other people?"
"You don't know that."
Hilary shrugged. "I just have to not get my hopes up, right?"
"You're letting Mariam poison your mind."
"I'm being realistic."
Mariah shook her head. "You're being pessimistic."
"But still realistic, yeah? I don't want to crash and burn."
"No, but sometimes you gotta live and learn or you'll never experience anything." Mariah gave her a hug. "Don't ask why. You looked like you needed one. Anyway, I think a part of you is embarrassed to admit that you like Tyson. That's your first roadblock. It's causing you anxiety and you're overthinking every little possible scenario, the good and the bad."
Hilary sighed. Mariah was such a good mind reader. She could see right through her. Was she really that transparent? "How do I stop being so anxious about it? I mean, at least I'm not a nervous wreck around him."
"That's a good start but you have got to make a move, Hilary."
"And how am I supposed to do that?
'Tell him how much he means to you. People like hearing they're liked and appreciated."
Hilary raised an eyebrow. "But what if he thinks I've friend zoned him?"
"As I have said before, sometimes the best relationships start as close friends. Tyson is the 'I have no dating experience' type of guy so you'll have to make the first move."
"Shouldn't the guy make the first move?"
"What are we living in? The Middle Ages?" Mariah scoffed. "No. You want something? You go and get it. Tyson is clueless. He'll never make a move unless you give him a sign. You know, many guys want to make a move, but they're terrified of screwing up based on their own experiences of rejection. You have to open the door even if it's difficult."
"And how do I do that? I'm socially retarded."
Mariah stifled a giggle. "Just talk to him. Tell him you value his existence."
"Right…. But if he laughs at me, you know I'm going to rip his head off."
Mariah rolled her eyes. "Then you'll never find out if he feels the same way."
"You know what I mean."
The pinkette grinned. "You'll be fine. You got this, girl. Just speak from the heart." She gave Hilary a gentle shove. "Now get some rest and think on it. You can even send him a message if that's easier. Just as long as he knows."
Hilary drew in a deep breath. Could she do it?
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Progress has been made! How will Hilary's journey continue? What dramas will she face? Will she ever get the answer she wants? Drop a review and more shall come!