Title comes from a Pablo Neruda poem/sonnet.
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"so I wait for you like a lonely houseTill you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache."
Pablo Neruda
He lies awake in the blanket fort most of the night just because he wants to be close to her again. It's an odd feeling, something that he's never experienced with anyone before. He likes his friends and he wants to spend as much time with them as possible… but this is different. His heart skips a beat whenever she's around and he feels the gentle brush of butterfly wings fluttering in his stomach even when he just thinks about her. Even now, without knowing where she is, he still wants to be near her. It's how he finds himself lying in the bed she had been sleeping in the past few nights. He turns on his side and sighs, pulls the blankets tighter around him. He can still smell traces of her and he feels a slight twist in his heart.
He wishes things had gone differently, that he had been nicer to her. Maybe she would still be here with him, where it was safe instead of wandering around in the cold while bad people were looking for her.
He considers going out to find her, it's 4am and sleep seems like it will never come at this point. But he eventually falls into fitful sleep, where he dreams of El and everything is not okay. It's a dizzying array of nightmares that jolts him out of his sleep more than it keeps him dreaming.
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Sleeping in her bed becomes a habit after she's gone. More often than not, he falls asleep in the blanket fort, not making it to his bed most nights. He tosses and turns and thinks about her. The way she looked before she evaporated into thin air, the first night they met. How much he loves her and wishes she was still there with him.
The sheets don't smell like her that much anymore because his mom insists if he's going to sleep in them, they need weekly washings. But even though they smell more like Tide than her, he can still sense her next to him, like she's visiting his mind and more often than not, he dreams of her. Not always bad dreams either, sometimes they're good when he manages to sleep well.
But most of the time, he's awake thinking about how all he wants to do is be close to her. To wrap his arms around her and tell her that he's never going to let her go ever again if he can help it.
There's something in him… everything in him, telling him that she's still alive somewhere. Except, he thinks he's also kind of crazy for believing that it's actually true. He's okay with being crazy if it means that she's still with him.
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He's outgrown the blanket fort a little bit and she's back with him for real. But that doesn't stop him from wanting to be close to her all the time and the feeling's mutual.
Hopper, of course, won't let this happen too much. He's always there, yelling at them about keeping the door open three inches, and eyeing them when they sit too closely on the couch. Mike doesn't understand (and won't until he has a daughter many years later). They find ways around it though. Trading sweatshirts and shirts like secrets, naming stuffed animals after each other, and talking to each other on their walkie-talkies until they both drift off to sleep.
Until they're right back to where they started and he's sleeping alone again.
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One night, when he really can't sleep, he goes to the ruins of the cabin in the woods and makes his way to the room where he spent many happy hours with El. There aren't any traces of her left, except her mattress which is stripped bare. He sits on the edge of it and sighs. He's used to the feeling of loneliness now, missing El so much it hurts. They're his old friends, faithful companions.
It's silly. He shouldn't feel alone. He still has his family, his friends here in Hawkins, his budding interest in Hellfire Club. He still has El even though they're separated by distance. It's a lot better than the last time. Sensing she was alive but not knowing if he was right or just going crazy.
He falls backwards onto her bed and throws an arm over his eyes, intending to fall asleep just for a little bit because he hasn't slept well in days. But sleep doesn't come easily, it doesn't come at all.
He trudges home in the early morning light, feeling a lot worse for the wear than he did before, his eyes watering a little because he's so tired. Thankfully nobody's awake when he gets home and he sneaks in, undetected and the only person aware of his sleepless night is him.
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He waits until everyone is asleep before going into her room. For months, he had been hoping things would be different. That he would be able to slip into bed next to her, thread his fingers through her's, and just lie next to her. He's missed having her physically present whenever they're apart and he hadn't wanted to miss a second next to her.
But nothing ever went according to plan.
She's gone now and he's left with an immense amount of guilt pressing on his heart and his shoulders. And longing… always longing.
He flops down face first on her bed and pulls the covers over his head, breathes in the smell of her fruity perfume and the cheap detergent. He can smell faint traces of her Herbal Essence shampoo on her pillowcase. It's all so very much her.
Their last conversation is still rattling around his head. The look on her face when he still couldn't say he loves her. The look on her face because she thought he didn't love her anymore.
The look on her face as they took her away. He feels kind of sick to his stomach, thinking about her all alone. Things should have gone differently. They should have been having their best spring break ever, they should have been in bed together right now while he told her stories about the stars. While he told her in hushed tones exactly how much he actually did love her.
If he didn't stumble on his words first like he always did these days.
He turns on his side and meets one of El's stuffed animals. He pulls it out from under him and squeezes it and spends the night, tossing and turning. Sleep doesn't come for him and he doesn't try to force it. He's alright with staying up all night, fretting about El and hoping she was alright.
He thinks about the spring break they should have had too. Picnics in the park, making out at the movies instead of actually watching it, maybe going roller skating again. Holding hands under a blanket while they watched horror movies. Playing board games with Will, finishing reading Anne of the Island for what seemed like the hundredth time. Maybe taking a trip to the beach.
He slips out of her bedroom and back into Will's room in the wee small hours of the morning. Before he or Jonathan wake up because he doesn't really want anyone to know that he spent the night in El's bed.
On the floor, in Will's room, far away from the proximity of El, he dozes off for maybe an hour. But even then, sleep isn't pleasant for him. Nightmares about losing El for good thread their way into his subconscious, and he was wide awake again before he could truly fall into a deep sleep.
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He doesn't sleep well again for the rest of the duration of his separation from El. The van is uncomfortable and it smells strongly of tomato sauce and weed. His whole body is humming with anxiety too, and he cannot wait until they find her and he's sure that she's safe (at least for the time being).
And then finally… finally they're together again, curled up in his arms and clinging to him like his life depends on it. He's pretty sure he's clinging to her in the same way. She's solid and warm in his arms and when she drifts off to sleep, he does too.
The End
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I didn't know how I was going to end this for a while, to be honest and the more I thought about it, I kind of realized it had to end this way. Maybe I could have squeezed out another paragraph or two but I didn't want to force anything. If you are so inclined, I'd love it if you'd leave me a review.
I'll be back with more soon. Until next time!