19He was ANBU. The best of the best. The elite. The shadow to the Leaf's Will of Fire.
He was the youngest ever to put on the hallowed white mask. He was the youngest ever to complete an S-rank mission. His accomplishments were matched only by his professionalism. He never left a man behind, he managed to return from the worst and the darkest missions on the roster, he had never even failed a mission.
Even in the ANBU, he was an anomaly. A myth. A legend.
He was -
"Duck," said the Hokage, blowing a stream of smoke out of the corner of his mouth.
He twitched.
The ANBU had had many open animals for him to take when he'd joined. Wolf, Snake, Leopard, even Dragon, the legendary mask that only 6 had had the privilege to wear. Instead, they'd made a new mask only for him, telling him that it would be a mask unique only to him. He'd been too young to know any different, then. 76 successful A-Rank missions hadn't given him the leeway to get it changed. Your mask was yours for life.
"Duck, Duck, Duck," said the Hokage, almost like he knew how much his subordinate disliked his callsign. The ANBU before him managed to hide his twitching admirably, but he was about 50 years too young to trick his general. "I think congratulations are in order."
Duck relaxed. Ignominy of his callsign aside, this really was the day he'd been working towards his entire life. Maybe, with the promotion to Jonin and ANBU Captain he'd been striving for, he'd finally be able to insert a loophole into the ANBU rulebook that allowed commanding officers to change their mask. Yes, it was all coming together. He could almost imagine the white and red of the Dragon Mask over his face. He would be feared and respected in equal amounts.
"Your peers have given their opinions. The Captains and the Commander have deliberated. I have consulted with my own advisors. Your mission record is, of course, spotless." Duck couldn't help but puff his chest out a little. After all, was he not the shinobi who'd broken the Fourth Hokage's own record for the most successful ANBU missions in a row? He was worthy of his Hokage's words. "I can say that this decision was both simple, and a long time coming. Are you willing to hear it?"
"My Lord Hokage," Duck said, his throat heavy and his heart full. He knelt before his Hokage, the man whose will had shaped his entire life. He put his heart to his head and bowed his head, ready to hear the words he'd been dreaming about for years now. Sunlight lit up the Hokage's circular office, shone on the four stone heads on the Hokage Mountain behind them. It was a glorious day, with skies that were a clear blue and trees that were in full bloom. Duck felt like he could be frozen in this moment forever, and amber drop that would last the entire history of the world.
He was here. He was ready. He was -
"Duck," said the Hokage. His voice held the strength of decades of leadership and power. It resounded through the office, thrumming through Duck's veins and filling his chest. "By the Hokage's order, you are hereby honorably discharged from the ranks of ANBU with the rank of Genin of the Leaf Village."
Duck froze, and then bowed his head further. A second passed, then another. The Third Hokage puffed again on his pipe. Outside, the sun blazed.
Duck took his mask off.
"What the fuck are you talking about, you senile old pervert?!" screamed Naruto Uzumaki, springing onto the Hokage's desk.
She was Sasuke Uchiha. The cursed. The survivor. The avenger. The Last Uchiha.
She was the final flame of the greatest clan in the Elemental Nations. War ran through her veins, was bred into her, had been her husband and master since the day she was born. She was destined to be the greatest killer in the Leaf Village. And she would, oh yes, she would.
As soon as she managed to kick the ass of the Jonin bastard who was currently kicking hers.
She leapt at his head, aiming for the side where his headband was lopsided, reducing his field of vision. In midair, she twisted, leaping over the arm he had begun to raise, her heel now on an express path to his forehead.
It never made contact. She felt gloved hands wrapped around her ankle, and then she barely had time to say the first syllable of a word her mother would wash her mouth with soap for. The jonin Kakashi launched her into the little copse of trees on training ground 7 like a deep blue missile.
She landed hard, feeling every last bit of air in her lungs get knocked out. Stars burst into existence before her eyes and winked at her, mocking and laughing. Her back screamed in protest, pain shooting down her legs like an electric shock.
"Sasuke," came the hesitant voice of her new teammate Sakura, from somewhere to her left. "Are you alright?"
Sasuke tried to tell her to fuck off but only grunted in reply. Hinata, her other teammate, came into the view as Sasuke stared blankly up at the March sky, still recovering from her latest skirmish with the demon jonin. The Hyuga's face was blue and swollen, testament to her own run in with the man.
Hinata wordlessly helped her sit up, before raising her shirt and rubbing a bit of cream on her back. Sasuke would never admit it, but the ointment was a welcome relief to her blinding pain. It didn't relieve it, but it would be enough. It would have to be.
"He's very strong," said Hinata quietly, pulling her shirt down before sitting heavily on the ground next to us.
"All jonin are," agreed Sakura, looking at Sasuke out of the corner of her eye, as if she was expecting to get her head bitten off.
"It doesn't matter," said Sasuke. She was already years behind that…that murderer, thanks to the Academy regulations that had pushed the age of graduation to 16, after reviewing the effect of early entry into the ninja forces and the mental health of children who became ninja in their teens. Even after massacring the entire Uchiha clan, her elder…the murderer was still finding ways to keep her weak, to keep her useless. A target to be hunted down.
Never again, vowed Sasuke. "It doesn't matter," she repeated. "We can't afford to go back to the Academy for another year." She'd rather commit ritual suicide than waste another year on the D-ranks that senior Academy students were now supposed to do, under the new regulations.
Hinata opened her mouth, but whatever she was about to say was lost in a sudden boom that rang out through the field, so loud that all three of them clapped their hands to their ears.
"The Hokage Tower!" gasped Sakura. Sasuke turned to see the top floor of the tall building on fire. All three of them shot to their feet, on alert for any possible invasion or attack on the Hokage.
"Oh dear," said Kakashi, his lazy voice carrying across the silence that had settled after the blast. "It seems that someone took the news badly. Nothing to worry about, my little would-be students," he called out. "The ninja of Konoha were warned that this might happen today. Just think of it as a training exercise, and keep trying to come at me like you were."
Sasuke grit her teeth at the nonchalance in the indolent, and insolent, jonin's voice. She palmed a kunai, but was shook by another boom, much louder than the first, and much closer to them.
Was it the murderer? Finally come to finish the Uchiha off?
An unbelievable pressure filled the training ground, freezing her to the spot. Sakura sank to one knee under it, her green eyes wide and unseeing. Hinata turned her Byakugan off and shrunk further into her large jacket.
"KAKASHI!" the roar filled her ears, making her knees tremble. She'd never felt such killing intent in her life, the trainers at the Academy didn't even come close. A blond ninja landed in the centre of their training ground, so hard that the ground around him cracked.
The three of them edged around the trees to have a better look. Hinata brought her hands up to activate her eyes, but thought the better of it and huddled behind an old oak with them.
Kakashi, of course, seemed unfazed by the appearance of the attacker. He did, however, put his book away, and raised his hands in a placating gesture.
"Now, now, my cute little brother, don't you think you're overreacting a little?"
One second, the blond was standing across their teacher, his chest heaving, his fists balled up. With the next blink, he'd vanished, and had done what Sasuke had been wishing to all morning - landed a solid punch on Kakashi that sent him flying back.
There was a puff of smoke, and Kakashi was revealed to be a log, shattered into woodchips by the force of the aggressor's punch.
"Now, now, Naruto," next to her, Hinata gasped. Sasuke took note of her reaction, and filed it away for a later examination. "Don't you think you're overreacting a little?" Kakashi asked.
"Overreacting? Overreacting?!" the blond who had been identified as Naruto screamed. Now that he was facing them, Sasuke could appreciate how he looked in greater detail. Sunny blond hair and blue eyes lined by three strange birthmarks on his cheeks. He was dressed in the normal navy Leaf fatigues, loose around his tall frame. His face set in a rictus of anger, his eyes wide and raging. "You demoted me to genin!"
He came again at Kakashi, who dodged just enough for the blond to miss and crater the ground the jonin had been standing on. Sasuke goggled at the strength behind his fists.
"You know, you can't be demoted when you were never really a chunin to begin with," said Kakashi, almost conversationally, like he wasn't dodging punches and kicks strong enough to bring down a small house. "It's really your fault, you know. You should've checked if you'd really been promoted, gone down to mission central to get the paperwork done."
"I WAS NINE!" Naruto roared. He brought down another of the giant oaks that dotted the grounds, leaving Sasuke gaping. "I trusted you bastards when you told me I was now chunin! We had a PARTY!" he punctuated the last word with another earth-shattering punch. "Fight me properly so I don't feel so bad for grinding your bones down to dust!"
"Why don't you stop holding back then?" retorted Kakashi. "I might add, though, it's treason to attack your senior officer like this, genin Uzumaki."
Naruto shrieked inarticulately, before racing through handsigns and blowing the largest fireball Sasuke had ever seen at Kakashi. It was gigantic, so white hot that it left her blinking spots. With another sequence of signs, he blew a stream of air that turned his attack into a firestorm the raged over the ground like a a fiery wave. The three of them were forced to turn away.
"Wait that's a bit much," said Kakashi, hopping onto the top of the decimated earthen wall he'd been forced to summon. "I should inform you, there are -"
"There are no obstacles to me ending your miserable existence!" said Naruto, appearing behind Kakashi with a glowing ball of blue chakra in his hand. Kakashi dodged sharply, and the attack imploded the wall instead, sending sharp chunks of earth their way.
"So strong," whispered Sakura, mirroring what Sasuke was thinking. "He looks like he's our age."
He was another monster, Sasuke realized. This blond was another monster like the murderer, one of the prodigies who'd been fast-tracked through the rank to produce an apex predator. It should have been her instead, she thought. It should have been her who had been trained to match Konoha's biggest traitor.
"I know you're angry," said Kakashi, breaking her train of thought. "But there are three other people on this training ground, so maybe you should be a little more careful."
Naruto paused for a moment before looking sharply in their direction. Sasuke realized that he'd known they were there all along, but he'd brushed them aside like flies. She bristled.
The blond tilted his head and smirked. Hinata squeaked.
"Oh yes," he said. "You did mention that the Hokage was giving you another squad of genin hopefuls that you would -" he tapped his finger on his chin. "What was it you said? That you would bat around for a bit under the pretext of the Bell Test before you failed them like the eight other teams you'd been given?"
Sasuke felt senseless rage take her over.
Sakura cursed bitterly. "That bastard was never going to pass us."
Kakashi looked a little wary for the first time that Sasuke had seen, she realised.
"I think it's rather unfair that you crush the hopes and dreams of some more young ninjas, Kakashi, don't you?" Naruto said. "Isn't it just cruel to hang two bells in front of them and pit them against each other, when the whole point of the test is -"
"Naruto - " Kakashi said, a little touch of fear mingling with sternness in his voice.
" - is that only those who can 'see underneath the underneath' and work together as a three-man unit instead, are the only ones to pass?"
Sasuke took a second to process his words, before snarling. "That bastard!"
Even Hinata was frowning. "He played on our fears and ambitions," she said, frowning, an act that looked strange on her normally soft face. "He heard our dreams only so he could use them to make us fight our comrades instead of working with them. How…uncouth."
Uncouth was the least of the words Sasuke would use. Hinata was still to prim to voice the thoughts actually running through her head.
"Cha!" exclaimed Sakura. "Let's just show him what the top kunoichi of the Academy can do together, yeah?"
"I think that's a wonderful idea," said Naruto, making the three of them flinch and jump. The blond was standing behind them, his hands laced behind his head, smiling sunnily at them, in sharp contrast to the angry clone of him still exchanging retorts with Kakashi. "My clone will keep him busy while we make a plan of attack. I think it's only teamwork to ask a fellow ninja of Konoha for help, don't you think?"
Sasuke smirked. Up close, the blond was even taller than he appeared, muscled but lean. He carried the same casual grace that all deadly ninja did. "What do you have in mind?" she asked.
"Why don't you tell me each of your specialties first?" he replied. "Things you're good at, little tricks and talents, places you want to hurt the bastard who tanks careers with his reports to the Hokage?"
"Sasuke Uchiha," she said. "Specialities include close combat, shuriken use, fire style techniques and some basic swordwork."
Naruto looked at her other two teammates. Hinata was very red for some strange reason. "Hinatu Hyuga," she mumbled. "Um, I practice the Hyuga taijutsu, and I've got some lightning techniques I can use."
Sasuke couldn't quite hide her surprise. She hasn't pegged the reticent Hyuga as someone with a lightning affinity.
"And you, miss?" Naruto asked Sakura, who was also looking a little pink, besides her already coloured hair.
"Sakura Haruno," she answered, standing at attention. "I'm good at…chakra control?"
Sasuke snorted. Naruto leveled a piercing look at her. "Come now," he chided. "Miss Haruno's quite well known for her chakra control, I'll have you know, even amongst ninja circles. Her teachers can't stop praising her, really. Even the hospital's been frothing at the mouth to get her into their ranks. She could very well be the next great illusionist or medical ninja."
Sakura's mouth fell open and she turned even pinker. It wasn't a particularly attractive look. "Thanks, Mr. Naruto. You," even the tips of her ears turned pink. "You can call me Sakura, if you want." She tucked an errant lock of hair behind her ears and looked up at him with shining green eyes.
The Uchiha had to work hard not to roll her eyes. Typical. One little compliment from a strong ninja and the pink-haired girl would turn into putty. There was a reason she was called the Legendary Teacher's Pet, amongst other, much more uncharitable thinks.
"No problem, Sakura!" Naruto replied, unnoticing or uncaring about Sakura's stupidity. "You've got that eidetic memory going for you as well, so I'm sure you'll have no trouble remembering my name. I'm Naruto Uzumaki, yo! Pleased to meet all of you!"
"And your specialties?" Sasuke asked, before she could stop herself. It was a bit rude to question someone who was so obviously strong, but Kakashi had said that he was a genin.
"My specialties, hmm?" Naruto smiled so widely his eyes closed. It was a strangely eerie look. "Let's just say…everything."
Sasuke wasted no time as she darted through the forest, her hands and eyes working in sync, overtime, eager to put their plan into action. In the clearing in the centre, Kakashi and Naruto were fighting still, spewing out techniques like Academy students threw shuriken. It was a monstrous showing, but it wasn't her priority right now.
In five minutes, her task was done. She blasted out from the cover at Kakashi, watching Hinata do the same from opposite her.
"Oh?" said Kakashi, jumping backwards from a series of earthen spikes that popped out from the ground under him and retaliating with a hail of lightning charged needles. "My little wannabes have finally joined the battle, have they?"
Sasuke let the jibe pass over her, channeling it into the anger that always ran through her veins. She launched herself and jumped in midair, going for the head like she had before.
"Boring," said Kakashi, reaching out for her, but then he was forced to dodge as Hinata came at him with the Gentle Fist, the veins around her eyes bulging. He vanished for a moment but was hemmed in by Naruto's clone, who shot another fireball to ground him. Hinata charged forward again, but charged the ground with lighting again. Sasuke hopped onto a branch and spit another, smaller fireball, and Naruto shot out another jet of air to supercharge her technique.
A flaming tornado burst into being around the jonin's figure, but Sasuke had no illusions that he was captured, even after Hinata had prevented him from escaping underground. She moved away from her position immediately, but then Kakashi was suddenly on her, kunai in his hand, freezing her with the weight of his chakra, and she wouldn't make it -
There was a puff of smoke, and the Naruto clone who'd leapt in to take the blow for her vanished. Sasuke noted with relief that Kakashi had turned the kunai around at the last moment, but even the heavy ring on the blunt end would've put her out for commission for the rest of the fight.
"A shadow clone?" Kakashi narrowed his own eye. And then Naruto burst from the ground under him, catching him cleanly in the jaw and punting him away from their position. It was the first clean hit they'd landed all day. Kakashi landed heavily, and rolled once, twice, before stretching his hands and flipping back, away from them.
Sasuke smirked.
"So the little duckies have joined forces, have they?" Kakashi muttered, reaching for his headband. "I guess that means it's time for me to get - serious!"
He pulled up his headband, and suddenly Sasuke was eight years old and on the ground of her own living room, looking up at the crimson eyes of her elder sibling. She was nothing, she was just a rat before a hawk, and she was going to die a miserable death just like her mother and her father and -
"Hey," a warm hand landed on her shoulder, bringing her back to the present. "Don't be afraid, Miss Sasuke. You're with me, and I will never let anything happen to my new friends."
Sasuke wanted to answer, to say both that she wasn't afraid, and that it was presumptuous of him to assume they were friends. All she could manage instead was an incoherent sputtering. "He - he has - eyes -"
"I know," said Naruto gently. "Do not be afraid. That eye was a gift from his comrade, and it has only protected the Leaf and her citizens. Kakashi would never really harm you with it."
That was easy to say, but Sasuke couldn't stop her heart from racing, her limbs and fingers from twitching against her will. She watched Kakashi absolutely body Hinata, who couldn't keep up even with five Naruto clones helping her, but couldn't bring her weak, worthless body to move.
"Miss Sasuke? Sasuke? Sasuke." said Naruto, shaking her a little. She turned her head to look at the blind, her lungs heaving, rapidly and out of control. "Look at me, Sasuke." His eyes were blue and clear, no fear and hesitation in them, unlike her own. Sasuke could almost see herself reflected in them, trembling like a leaf. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, you know?" He smiled, and it was like the sun coming out from behind rain clouds. "I will always protect you. Believe it."
It was such a ridiculous, cheesy thing to say. Sasuke would have scoffed, should have scoffed, but she felt a strange warmth spark in her belly instead.
"There it is," said Naruto, encouraging her. "There's your Will of Fire." He landed his palm roughly on her head and ruffled her hair, an act that would've left any person short of a limb. Sasuke only felt that spark rise through her throat, flow into her limbs. Her belly, her legs, her cheeks, everything seemed to fill with heat, as she looked at him.
"That's right. You are amongst friends and comrades. You never have to be afraid again."
Sasuke found her voice. She wanted to say many things, but could only manage, "Let's get him."
Naruto's smile, if possible, grew even brighter. He took his hand out of her hair - her hair - and shot her a thumbs up. "Let's!"
Together, they charged at Kakashi again. Sasuke vaulted over Hinata, who'd been struck to the ground, and went low this time, trying to get the jonin off balance. Naruto went high, a short sword appearing in his hand, and there was suddenly a shrieking sound in her ears -
The substitution log split neatly into three separate pieces. Sasuke didn't stop to admire the technique but cartwheeled away, only just avoiding the sizzling lightning from roasting her feet. Kakashi flew at her again, his Sharingan whirling, reading her every move.
Before she could react, Naruto appeared in front of her and parried the jonin's kunai. She darted to the left and went for another fireball, while Hinata repeated her trick with the lightning. Naruto swung his sword, and the three attacks met a giant wave of water. The lightning sparked along it but found no person to latch onto, and then Naruto was grabbing her and leaping away as the water burst into thousands of razor sharp needles that shot their way.
Naruto and his clones landed with Hinata, his clothes ripped to shreds by Kakashi's water technique. Sasuke jerked her face away from the hard muscles that had been exposed, trying to find where the jonin had gone.
"To think you pushed me so hard," said Kakashi, making the three of them spin around. The jonin was hanging upside-down by his feet from a tree, looking a little scorched and ragged around the edges himself. "I shudder to think of what would happen if you really went all-out, Naruto, even with two genin assisting you."
Sasuke wondered at the fact that even this display wasn't a marker of Naruto's abilities. Both her and Hinata were panting heavily, reaching for their knees to steady themselves, but the two men looked like they'd barely had a workout.
"Don't underestimate the power of teamwork, dumbass!" Naruto crowed. "With the strength of bonds, even the tallest mountain can be toppled."
Sasuke scowled, feeling a little of her admiration vanish. The blond may be powerful, but he was so impossibly cheesy. From the other side Hinata, who was totally black and blue, looked up at him with adoring, doe-like eyes. Sasuke scowled even harder at that.
"But this isn't real teamwork, is it?" Kakashi questioned. "You seem to have made the two clan heirs you ally, but you -"
Sakura's laugh echoed through the Training Ground. "Don't tell me you forgot about me, Sensei?" she asked, appearing onto a tree next to Kakashi. Sasuke smirked at the little orange book she was holding in her hand.
"What?!" Kakashi's hand shot to his side but came away empty. Both of his eyes narrowed at Sakura. "Genin Haruno, you are holding the personal property of a senior officer. I command you to return it at once."
"Sensei," said Sakura cheerfully, completely unfazed. "I think you should worry less about your porn and take a look at your pouch again."
Kakashi looked up at his waist and saw the exploding tag that was attached to his side. Hinata smiled proudly, and Sakura brought her hands together in a Ram Seal.
"Sakura!" Kakashi had time to say as he ripped the tag off himself and tried to escape, but the explosion rocked him before he could. He landed roughly on the ground, barely managing to stay on his feet. "You need to -"
He was cut off by another explosion. This one caught him by surprise, and he was blown off his feet. Kakashi was smoking and singed around the edges when he got to his feet again, radiating anger off his lanky frame.
"GENIN HARUNO -" Boom.
"I ORDER YOU -" Boom.
"HOW DARE YOU -" Boom.
"I AM YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER -" Boom.
Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.
Kakashi barely managed to crawl on to all fours, his jonin vest ripped to shreds and his hair black with soot.
"You covered the entire Training Ground with explosive tags while Naruto and then the others distracted me," he coughed out, his voice hoarse. "That's inspired -"
Boom.
"Wow, Sakura," whistled Naruto, who was helping his clone bandage Hinata's wounds. "That one was a little uncalled for."
"Sorry, Naruto," Sakura said, her voice lacking a shred of remorse. "I must have lost my concentration when he called me a weak, pathetic excuse for a ninja before catching me in a genjutsu."
Naruto snorted. "All right, but that's enough now. I think it's safe to say that he's beaten now."
"Am I, though?" Kakashi appeared behind Sakura, his Kunai held sharply against her throat. The smile vanished from her face, her hands shooting up in surrender. "My, my, Genin Haruno. Such precocity, from one so inexperienced." His words sent a chill down Sasuke's back. "It's time to show you what a real ninja's like, I think," he crooned, his eyes wide and insane.
Naruto raised his hand. "I agree."
Kakashi paused for a second, obviously thrown off. "You do?"
"Yeah, Sakura needs to be taught what a ninja's life really is like," Naruto answered.
"Sakura? The same Sakura who's blown me up twenty-seven times with her exploring tags, and to whose throat I'm holding a knife right now? This Sakura?"
"Number one. In the interest of being fair, at least half of those tags were placed by the other two while I was fighting you. Sakura just got the third section and then the field while we engaged you. Number two," Naruto pretended to think for a moment. "That's not Sakura you're holding."
Sakura exploded like a bomb going off, shattering the foliage around her to bits. The real Sakura, who'd substituted herself and transformed herself into a Naruto clone under the cover of the first explosion, laughed loudly as she bandaged Hinata's ankle, and Kakashi hit the ground like a comet from the stratosphere.
Kakashi could only stare at the sky in mute shock as they trotted over to him. Sasuke gave him a cursory lookover to see if he'd been hit somewhere vital, but to his credit, he'd avoided any serious injury. Naruto leaned over and pulled his headband over his Sharingan eye.
"Bells?" wheezed Kakashi.
All three of them held up identical shining bells.
"T -" Kakashi coughed. "Two," he said, his voice hoarse.
Naruto grinned. "The two bells you borrowed from the Third Hokage? The Second and Third Hokages always kept a few spares, because even they weren't ever arrogant enough to assume that some mean genin couldn't hurt them."
"You took them from the Hokage's tower when you blew it up?" asked Hinata.
"Very good, Miss Hyuga," Naruto praised, making the Hyuga turn a deep red. Sasuke twitched. So did Sakura. "Always remember, everything in life can be solved with forethought. And explosions. Lots and lots of explosions."
Sasuke rolled her eyes, but couldn't help smirking. Sakura laughed.
"So, do we pass, sensei?" she asked the winded jonin lying on the ground at their feet.
Kakashi gave her the finger, unable to lift his hand off the ground. But then he lifted his thumb, and Sasuke felt the weight of the day lift off her shoulders. For a moment, she allowed the elation to fill her up.
Naruto cheered. "That's excellent, isn't it Kakashi? Three talented new ninja in the Leaf's ranks." Kakashi shifted weakly on the ground and groaned.
Naruto continued speaking, ignoring the jonin completely.
"However, that doesn't change the fact that my beloved elder brother and former Captain recommended that I be discharged from the ANBU and sent out as a genin," he said, his face set in that eerie smile again. Kakashi tried to curl up into a ball on the ground. "But I think I can be forgiving on this one, joyous occasion, can't I, big bro?"
Kakashi gave a weak twitch that was perhaps a relieved yes.
"Why, I think that calls for celebration, doesn't it? Forgiveness really is amazing. We need lots of streamers, some cake, and some confetti." He held up the orange book that Sakura had been holding. Make-Out Paradise, said the cover.
Kakashi moaned loudly, and at length.
"I think he means 'please forgive me, little brother, who is far more talented and handsome than I, and spare the only thing that gives my pathetic existence any meaning, don't you, girls?"
Hinata giggled. Kakashi gave a shorter whimper that might have been an assent.
"Oh well," said Naruto. "I don't want to waste a nifty seal." He threw the book into the air, and to Sasuke's amazement, Kakashi made an aborted jerk off the ground that actually lifted the jonin up a couple inches. The little book burst into thousands of little pieces of orange and white paper around them, and scattered down onto the ground like snowflakes around them. Sakura cheered.
Kakashi's eyes rolled back into his head and he passed out in a dead faint.
Naruto may have been cheesy, but he definitely had his moments, thought Sasuke.
"So let me get this straight, my boy," asked the Hokage. "Today, in short order, you attacked the village's leader, cost thousands of ryo in damage to the village, interfered with a respected jonin's test for his genin team, tried to beat said jonin into the ground, then broke the spirit of his test by telling the genin the secret to it, followed by helping them blow the jonin up repeatedly, demolishing a training area in the process, and then you destroyed the one thing that was probably keeping the Leaf's premier jonin hanging on to his sanity by a thread?"
Naruto considered the Hokage's words for a moment, shifting Kakashi's unconscious form hanging limply over his shoulder. The three genin behind him did their best to look contrite. "That's right," he said cheerfully. "But you missed the part where we also tried and burnt him, Lord Hokage." The Hokage sighed, but Naruto didn't let it bother him. "I think this shows my competency as a prospective jonin of the village, my Lord. I successfully orchestrated and executed a takedown of the," he made exaggerated quotes in the air, "strongest ninja of the village while demonstrating mastery of multiple techniques not limited to hand-to-hand combat, weaponry, several chakra natures, while also employing proper tactics and strategy which I used to coordinate the successful efforts of three junior ninjas. Surely I need nothing more to prove myself?"
The Hokage palmed his face. "Naruto, my order still stands. If you'd bothered to listen to me instead of treasonously attacking your general," Naruto cocked his head and gestured loosely, "you'd have found out that we really want you as an ace in the hole for the next chunin exams."
Naruto cocked his head, surprised, but intrigued. The Hokage took that as a signal to continue.
"You never really held the rank of chunin because you didn't have the requisite 30 D-Ranks needed in peacetime to qualify." Naruto twitched. The Hokage kept speaking, but his words sped up noticeably. "As soon as you'd completed those missions, and gamed whichever exam you'd be deployed into, you'd be promoted to the next rank and then, possibly, jonin within the year. My recommendation, which still stands, is that you assist Kakashi train Team Seven as a special agent, while receiving full pay for a teacher, as well as a cut of any missions you complete with them."
Hinata let out a curious noise from behind him. Naruto whipped around to find the three genin quickly hiding two smiles and a smirk. He didn't particularly feel like smiling himself, though.
The blond Uzumaki found himself fingering a kunai in the hand that wasn't holding Kakashi steady over his back. The Hokage's eyes zeroed in on it too.
"Naruto, I'm warning you -"
"You mean to say," he heard his own voice like it was coming from far away, cold and mechanical and completely unlike its natural tenor. "I wasn't allowed jonin rank because I didn't paint a few fences?"
The Hokage's new window, which had been expertly replaced by the Leaf's crack repair team, and probably aided by Yamato, shattered. Naruto didn't let the sound of breaking glass, and the sharp exclamations of shock from the three genin behind him, stop him.
He hurled Kakashi at the Hokage, and lunged over the desk with his kunai bared.
Author's note: I know, I know, I have another, more serious, story in the works. This is the one I want to write so that I can dump both my stress and stupidity somewhere (and there's lots of both). Before the wars begin, I just want to say that this story won't have a definite pairing for a long, long time, if ever. Does that mean their won't be stupid romantic antics with beats from every teen manga ever, ridiculous shenanigans, and three wicked and wickedly strong kunoichi doing their best to get a date with an astronomically dense blond? Absolutely not.
Things that I'm considering featuring in this fic:
- Stupidly strong Naruto
- Totally bitter but soft inside FemSasuke
- Totally devious Hinata
- A Sakura who's more than a little crazy
- A Naruto who's denser than a black hole
- A Naruto with a possibly fatal crush, and many crushes on anybody but his cute little genin friends
- A Kakashi who's lost the last good thing in his life and has gone totally feral
- Some good emotional beats and fight scenes, hopefully. I hope you liked the trickery in the opening fight, because that aspect has always been my favourite part of Naruto