741ROSE
I held my phone in my hands, staring at it as if it wasn't quite real. Nothing seemed quite real at the moment. It felt like my world had shifted on its axis again. This betrayal wasn't just unexpected; it was unimaginable. Almost like when Alberta had told me I was expelled from St. Vladimir's. It wasn't quite as life-altering, of course, but I felt that same hollow ache in my chest. The ache that made it hard to breathe. Strangely, it almost felt worse in a way. Back then, Dimitri had been there to support me and help keep me strong. This time, Dimitri was the reason for the pain.
My phone buzzed in my palm, and I jumped so hard that it flew from my hand, falling facedown onto the bedspread beside me. I scrambled for it, immediately hitting 'decline' before taking a deep breath. A minute later, it pinged with a voicemail and then almost immediately started up again. This time, I tossed it into the drawer of my bedside table. Even though I kept my phone perpetually on silent, the sound of it vibrating against random trinkets sounded so loud that I was afraid someone would burst into my room and demand I answer whoever was calling. That was the last thing I wanted to do.
I wrenched the drawer open again and blindly reached in to grab my cell before shoving it under my pillow. There. It wasn't totally quiet, but at least the buzzing was dampened enough so I could think.
I began to pace the length of the room, feeling like a caged tiger in a pen that was too small. The walls felt like they were closing in as I tried to make sense of everything.
Dimitri…he…and her. And he kept it from me.
I scratched at the phantom itch on my arm, leaving angry red stripes that burned more and more as his words spun around in my head.
'Nadia kissed me…'
Completely unbidden, an image of them floated through my mind. I could see her lips on his, clear as day. Everything behind them flitted back and forth like a slideshow of my worst imagination. Clandestine corners, empty hotel rooms, against gym mats, under locker room showers. Hell, I even saw them in one of those stupid, stereotypically romantic postcards where they kiss under the Eiffel Tower. Picture after picture, each one driving a knife into my gut.
'...And I didn't stop her.'
Dimitri didn't stop her. Did that mean he kissed her, too?
And if he did kiss her, did he also run his fingers through her hair? Did he splay his hand against the small of her back and pull her closer? Did he smile against her lips when she whimpered, begging for more of him?
Did he kiss her like he kissed me?
The room spun a little at the thought, and I had to sit down before the nausea welling inside of me threatened to make me sick.
And then he kept it from me. For weeks. For months.
Whenever I asked how he enjoyed Paris, he would always change the topic, saying it was fine and uneventful. Uneventful! I had thought he was trying to be kind since he knew I had been jealous that I couldn't join them, so I eventually stopped asking. But evidently, he was just trying to hide the truth from me.
Every time I asked him how his day was.
Every time I asked how the team was getting along.
Every time he looked me in the eyes or spoke my name.
Every time he said he loved me.
He lied.
He lied to me every damn day.
More buzzing sounded from the bed again, and I lunged for it. No longer upset but angry. Pissed. The picture of us from last Christmas filled the screen, and it felt like a slap to the face. I couldn't bear to look at it, much less answer Dimitri's call, so I decided to just turn the phone off completely.
The silence was a relief, but only for a moment or two before that itchy feeling started up again. I needed to do something to distract myself before I clawed myself bloody. Without giving it too much consideration, I grabbed my earbuds before remembering that I'd need to turn my phone on if I wanted to use them, and there was no way in hell I was going to turn my phone on again. I guess I'd have to settle for a quiet run.
I hurried down the stairs, ignoring the others until Olena asked from the kitchen, "Are you heading out, Rose? It's getting late."
I froze, suddenly unsure of what to tell her.
You're son just broke my heart, so I'm going to go see if I can outrun the pain. Be back soon.
Something told me that wouldn't go over too well.
Another voice cut in. "I baked some borodinskiy earlier for Mark and Oksana. Rose was going to bring it over for them." Yeva handed me a loaf wrapped in a clean white dishcloth, the now-familiar scent of rye, caraway, and coriander emanating from it.
When I took it from her, I realized that it was cool to the touch, probably baked hours ago. Did Yeva know? I had pretty much come to accept her weird premonitions like everyone else in town, so I wouldn't put it past her. Especially since I could see the hint of sympathy in her eyes. Perhaps I should be pissed that she kept Dimitri's disloyalty from me, too, but I'd forgive her (for now) since she was giving me an out.
"Thank you," I whispered, holding the bread close to my chest.
After slipping on my jacket and shoes, I left.
After delivering the bread, to the pleasant surprise of both Oksana and Mark, I left without any idea what to do next. I could've gone home. With how dark it was getting, I probably should've gone home. I didn't want to, though. At least not yet. So I just wandered. I jogged with no clear destination in mind. I had forgotten my stake in my haste to get out of the house, so I didn't venture to the more isolated trails on the outskirts of the town, but I kept moving until I simply couldn't move anymore.
I fell heavy into one of the benches just inside the entrance of the 'old park.' It had another name, but that's what everyone started calling it after a newer park had been built a few blocks away with a larger play structure and better-kept walking paths. The new park was nice, and I could see why the kids preferred that one with its bright, colorful slides, climbing nets in the shape of a spider's web, and the waterpad that ran during the summer. Still, I preferred this one with its old-school swings and monkey bars.
The streetlight glinted off my silver ring as I spun it on my thumb. I had put it on a while ago when I started to worry that my anger might have been laced with a little more than heartache, but while some of the fire had died, it only made everything else hurt more.
My mind was still buzzing, the thoughts racing so fast that I couldn't focus on any of them for longer than a second or two. Not just my thoughts either. Lissa's telepathy had tried to push through a few hours ago, but I had forced it back as soon as she started begging me to call Dimitri.
Perhaps it was illogical, but the fact that she wanted me to call Dimitri rather than actually talk to me felt like yet another betrayal. It felt like she was taking sides, and despite being my best friend and bond mate, she had chosen him. Did she know? Had she known all along? I wanted to believe she hadn't, but I wasn't sure what to believe anymore.
I wanted to talk to someone, but almost everyone I knew was also somehow connected to Dimitri. It was his family back at the house. He was Lissa's guardian. Eddie's guardian partner. Maybe Adrian? I considered it but shook the idea off a moment later. They were still friends, and I didn't know if I could trust him not to hand the phone off to Dimitri as soon as he answered.
No matter how badly I wanted to talk to someone, I couldn't risk talking to Dimitri. Not yet.
There was one person I could call. Well, two, but if I called my father, the conversation would probably end with Dimitri in a shallow grave. No matter how much I wanted to hate Dimitri, I didn't want him dead.
I took a deep breath and turned my phone on, fighting the panic that tried to rise up as notification after notification lit up the screen. I ignored them all, unable to deal with them while I searched through my contacts.
The phone rang long enough that I thought it might go to voicemail, but one of the many knots in my chest loosened as I heard Max pick up.
"Rose?" The word was heavy with sleep. "What's going on? It's past midnight. Are you okay?"
"No."
Maybe it was the way my voice cracked, or perhaps it was because I rarely called him without texting first, but Max seemed to understand the weight of that one word.
"Where are you?"
"Pine Creek Park."
"Stay there. I'll see you in ten minutes." He hung up, and I felt another small wave of relief.
It only took Max seven minutes to find me. I had moved towards the swings where it would be easier for him to spot me, but other than that, I had been biding my time by staring at my phone. Every once in a while, another text would come through, but I'd immediately swipe it away without reading.
Still, the little red notification dots taunted me. There were 22 calls—most with accompanying voicemails—and 54 texts spread out between Dimitri, Lissa, Eddie, Adrian, and Christian. The only text I actually answered was the lone one from Olena, just to let her know that I hadn't been dragged off by either Strigoi or a kidnapper.
I couldn't bring myself to look at any of the others, especially the ones from Dimitri. As I debated sucking it up and reading a few messages from Lissa or Adrian, I heard Max call out from across the playground.
"Rose! There you are." He sounded slightly breathless as he jogged towards me, and I wondered if he'd been running since I'd called him. He didn't live too far away, but he definitely ignored the speed limit to get here so quickly. "What's going on? What happened? Are you hurt?"
So many questions and no easy answers.
"He lied to me, Max."
He tilted his head in confusion before understanding dawned. "Shit."
I chuckled, the noise sounding dark as that one word summing everything up nicely. "Yeah. Shit."
He sat down on the swing next to me, and we kicked at the gravel in silence—me trying to figure out where it all went wrong and him trying to figure out what to say.
"Wanna tell me what happened?" he finally asked after a moment.
I had wanted to talk to someone, but now that Max was here, it seemed almost impossible to admit everything. I needed to get it off my chest, though.
"You know Dimitri's coworker I told you about. The one that made me nervous?"
He nodded, not pushing me for more.
"Well, they kissed. A while ago."
He looked almost as shocked as I had felt when Dimitri told me. I decided to push through.
"And he didn't tell me until today."
"Are you serious?!" Under his breath, I heard him add, "Fucker."
"He didn't fuck her. At least he didn't admit to fucking her." I said, trying to make a joke, even though it didn't land.
Max shook his head in disappointment. "What did he say?"
I closed my eyes as I tried to remember his exact words. "He said that they kissed. Or, she kissed him, I guess. But he also said he didn't stop her."
"He cheated?"
"Maybe?" Even if he didn't initiate the kiss, did 'not stopping' count as cheating? "I don't know."
"And then he kept it from you? You said 'a while.' Does that mean days? Last week?"
My head dropped in shame as if it was my fault. Was it my fault?
"I'm not exactly sure. Dimitri said it happened when they were all in Paris for an event, which was around New Year's."
His jaw dropped, apparently just as dumbfounded as I had been about how long Dimitri had kept the secret. He didn't say anything as I continued on.
"He said that it was a mistake and that it meant nothing but…"
"...but that doesn't make it hurt less," Max said, finishing the thought I couldn't quite put into words.
"Yeah. It still hurts."
He reached his hand out between the swings in an offering, and when I slipped my hand in his, he gave it a sympathetic squeeze before dropping it again. "I am so sorry, Rose. He shouldn't have done that, and even if it didn't mean anything to him, he should have told you right away."
I felt tears prickling in my eyes, and I realized that I hadn't cried at all since I hung up on Dimitri. That probably should have been concerning. I'd felt sick. I'd felt like screaming and throwing things. I'd even felt like simply disappearing without a trace and forgetting that any of this had ever happened. But I hadn't cried.
My phone chimed again, and I sighed as I realized it was another text. I swiped it away and set it back in my lap, face down.
"Aren't you going to answer that?"
"No. It's just him again." It was the fourth time he'd texted me since I had turned my phone on. I should probably just turn it off again.
"Can I see?"
I tossed it to him. "Knock yourself out."
He flipped through the texts, not saying a word until the phone started ringing with an incoming call.
"Shhh," he scolded the phone, sending the call to voicemail. Glancing towards me, he added, "Sorry, if you have your 'read receipts' on, then he probably can see that someone is looking at all of these."
He scrolled silently for a bit longer before handing the phone back to me. "You know what I thought the first time I saw you?"
I looked over at him, confused about where he was going with his question.
"The first time I saw you trying to struggle your way through a grocery list, I thought, 'Damn, that is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.'"
I couldn't help but smile at the memory of our meeting. If Max hadn't shown up in the grocery store like a knight in shining armor, I'm not quite sure how I would have managed that shopping list.
"Don't get too big of a head, though." He playfully kicked a couple of pebbles towards me. "We don't get many new faces around these parts, and even fewer pretty ones. I was bound to fall in love the moment I heard your horrendous accent."
My laugh sounded like more of a sob, and his expression softened into something resembling pity. I hated it, but it was probably well deserved. "However, the moment you said Dimitri's name, I knew it was a lost cause. It was clear in the way you smiled that he was it for you. You loved him. Completely."
"If you're trying to make me feel better, you're failing miserably." I forced some facsimile of a smile, but it was only to keep me from breaking down. Max was right; Dimitri was it for me. He was the one I loved. I never even considered Max or anyone else because Dimitri was enough. More than enough. He was my everything.
The thought from before nagged at me. Was it my fault that Dimitri kissed Nadia? Or whatever happened? On some level, I knew that the idea was ridiculous; it wasn't like I had made them kiss like Lissa used to do with her Barbie dolls (I usually drew molnija on them or pretended they were Strigoi and popped their heads off). Still, the fact that I wasn't there probably played into the whole ordeal. He wouldn't have kissed her if I had been there to kiss instead. Dimitri often came off as stoic and disciplined to those around him, but he was actually very physically affectionate. He'd barely been able to keep his hands to himself the last time he came home. Holding my hand, cuddling me close, or even just brushing my hair from my face. Whenever Dimitri hadn't been touching me, he had always been within arms reach so he could if he wanted to. And behind closed doors? Well, all bets were off. I didn't even bother with pajamas when he came home because he'd always strip them off faster than I could put them on.
So, was it any wonder that Dimitri would eventually need more than just video dates and phone sex?
Nadia was pretty and obviously liked him. Who could blame him for being tempted if she left him an open invitation?
I guess I was just naive enough to believe I was still enough for him. Naive enough to believe him when he said our relationship was enough.
"Why wasn't I enough?"
"Excuse me?"
"Why wasn't I enough for him, Max? Dimitri was everything to me. Everything. Why couldn't I have been enough for him too?"
A strange look of disbelief crossed his face before Max hopped out of the swing, grabbed my hand, and pulled me into a tight hug.
"Don't you ever blame yourself for what he did," Max said. When I tried to protest, he cut me off. "I'm serious, Rose. This is on him, not you. You are enough. More than enough. You are incredible. You're strong, passionate, smart, funny, and absolutely gorgeous. Any guy would be lucky to be loved by you. He's the idiotic bastard who carelessly threw away the best thing he ever had, and he's the one who will regret it for the rest of his life. If his texts are anything to go by, he already does regret it."
I held Max's hug for a moment longer before finally pulling away. His words were like bandaids over bullet holes, but they did leave me feeling a little stronger than I had a moment ago. "Maybe. But that doesn't mean much now, does it?" When he didn't automatically agree with me, I pressed him on the question again. "Does it?"
"I don't know, Rose. Does it?"
I set my shoulders and looked up at Max. "No. It doesn't matter. What's done is done. I'm breaking up with him." I hated how much the idea hurt. The finality of it was nearly as painful as the moment Dimitri told me the truth. Still, I knew it was what I was supposed to do. It's what I'd tell anyone else in my position to do. "It's over."
If I expected him to cheer and give me a 'Hell, yeah. He can go fuck himself' cheer, then I was sorely mistaken. Max just looked, well, almost sad. Like he hated the idea as much as I did.
He moved back to his swing without a word, and I did the same.
"What does Olena and the others think? I bet Yeva gave him the verbal lashing of a lifetime."
"Yeva doesn't like me," I reminded him. In fact, I wouldn't put it past her to actually be happy about the breakup. Though she did look sorry earlier, so maybe I was wrong. "Either way, none of them know."
"Really?" That genuinely seemed to surprise him. "You haven't told them?"
"I haven't had time to yet. Everything happened so fast, and then I just needed some space to breathe and process it all, you know? Now, well, I'm not sure how to tell them. Plus, what if…" I trailed off, suddenly realizing something horrible.
"What if what?"
"What if they kick me out?" I had some money in my savings account. Not a ton, mind you, but more than enough to put down a deposit on a rental apartment. I wasn't worried about rent, either. It was finding an apartment that would make things difficult. They were hard to come by in a small town like Baia. That was one reason Karo and Sonya lived at home for so long. I'm sure they appreciated Olena's help in raising Paul, Zoya, and Katya, but a big part of it was simply not having many other options. Before Katya, Sonya had planned to move into an apartment with some roommates, but that had fallen through with the positive pregnancy text. She said it had taken nearly six months to find somewhere safe and affordable. Karo had it even harder. She was currently looking at a two-bedroom place to better fit her family, but it was in the next town over. Olena had never complained about her daughters living at home (I'm pretty sure she preferred it that way, to be honest), but I wasn't one of her daughters. Not really, at least. Would she still accept me if I wasn't with Dimitri anymore?
"I sincerely doubt that Olena would do something like that, but on the off chance she does kick you out, then you're welcome to crash on my couch. Or, since it's the slow season, you could always stay at the Aurora until you find another place."
"Thank you." I appreciated the offer, but I knew both of those would only be a short-term solution. Still, it was better than nothing.
After a few moments of silence, Max leaned towards me and kicked my sneaker to get my attention again. "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you come with me to Novosibirsk this weekend? One of my friends is having his birthday, and we're going to celebrate at one of his favorite nightclubs. It would be a good way to get your mind off things for a little while."
When I hesitated, he jumped in again.
"Come on, Rose. It'll be fun, and you won't have to worry about anything. I'll buy all your drinks, and I already have a hotel room reserved so you can stay with me after the party. Honestly, you'd be doing me a favor. I was the only single guy last year, and everyone was either trying to hook me up with strangers or giving me crap about not having a date. This way, I can make them all jealous for having such a beautiful woman on my arm."
"Is this your way of hitting on me?" I asked, grinning a little at the idea of Max using me as a shield to keep the others off his back.
"No. Not that I'm opposed, of course," he laughed, giving me a little smirk to show that he was just teasing before it melted into something more sincere a moment later. "No matter how much Dimitri hurt you, I know you're still hung up on him. You probably will be for a while, and that's okay. I'd almost be more worried if you weren't. He's been a major part of your life, and it's okay to still be in love with him, even if it's over."
I felt the fissures in my heart crack a little more because he was right. I was still in love with Dimitri, even though I wasn't sure I wanted to be. "So you think it's really over, then?"
"Honestly? No." He shook his head and offered me a comforting smile. "I've seen the way you two are around each other, and very few are lucky enough to be in love like that. I expect he will have a whole lot of well-deserved groveling in his future but, unless you are truly ready to walk away for good, then I think you guys will eventually figure things out. You just need time."
That would require forgiving him, though; I wasn't sure if I could do that. He deceived me for so long…
"I'll make you a deal," Max said, pulling me from the sinking feeling that threatened to drag me under another wave of heartbreak. He waited until I looked at him before continuing. "If I'm wrong and you and Dimitri aren't back together in a year, then maybe I'll ask you to dinner. Okay?"
I knew he was trying to make me feel better, so I tried my best to keep my tears at bay. "Deal."
"Good," he said with finality, even though I had a feeling that he didn't believe he'd ever have the chance to make good on his promise. I wish I shared his confidence. "Now, it's freezing out here. Why don't I drive you back home? If you need to call out tomorrow, let me know in the morning. Anya has been asking for more hours, so I'm sure she wouldn't mind picking up a shift or two."
Sometimes, it was weird to have one of your best friends also signing your paychecks. I wasn't going to complain, though. Especially since I knew I'd probably take him up on his offer. I was already exhausted just thinking about trying to function tomorrow.
Once he dropped me off, I tip-toed quietly up to my room. I still wasn't sure how I'd tell Olena or the others that Dimitri and I had broken up, but I wouldn't worry about that tonight. Right now, I had to tell Dimitri that it was over. I sat on the edge of my bed as foolish curiosity got the best of me, and I scrolled through his texts. I even tried listening to one of his voicemails, but the moment I heard him call me 'Roza,' a fresh wave of anger and agony burned through me so hot I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do it. I simply couldn't do it.
I considered what to say to him, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing felt quite right. I tried the whole 'righteous feminine rage' thing first.
Me: Fuck you, Asshole. We're done.
I erased the text immediately. A bitter part of me wanted Dimitri to feel the same pain I felt, but the thought of intentionally hurting him didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it almost hurt me too. Just to see how it would feel, I wrote out a new message.
Me: Let's forget this ever happened.
My finger hovered over the 'send' button, but as much as I really wanted to forgive and forget, I knew I couldn't. His lies cut me deep, and a part of me knew if I tried to ignore that wound, it would simply fester and eventually poison us both. Once again, I erased the message.
Falling back against the blankets, I closed my eyes and tried to calm my thoughts. I knew I couldn't leave us in limbo, but since I wasn't ready to forgive Dimitri, my only other option was to break things off. Right? Suddenly, Max's words whispered from the recesses of my mind.
'You just need time.'
Max was right. I need some time on my own to think. Maybe I'd eventually be able to heal and forgive, or maybe I'd choose to say goodbye for good. But I wasn't in a place to determine one way or another right now. And perhaps not tomorrow or the next day, either.
Dimitri lied to me for weeks.
He owed me at least that long to decide what I wanted to do about it.
Me: I want to take a break. I need some time to figure a few things out. I love you.
I paused, surprised at how easily those last three words still flowed so naturally. I considered sending the text as it was. After all, it was true. I still loved Dimitri. I wasn't sure if that would ever change. Love doesn't always fix things, though.
As I erased the sentiment, I replaced it with a request.
Please don't contact me.
As I finally hit send, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. And then another. All my tears at Dimitri's betrayal had been locked away, but the moment I finally let them go—let him go—I felt that knot in my chest loosen. It still hurt. I was still upset at him and the whole situation, but I no longer felt prisoner to the pain and anger.
Instead, I finally felt free.
Author's Note
It hurts to have your heart broken, doesn't it? And while, yes, Dimitri isn't responsible for Nadia kissing him while he was vulnerable, he is responsible for keeping it from Rose for so long. There's a price to pay for hiding important things from your partner and breaking that trust. Now, the question is if he'll respect Rose's wishes while she tries to heal. What do you guys think?
Also, for those who might think this is an overreaction on Rose's part...well, sometimes I write from experience. I promise it's a whole lot easier to think logically when you aren't caught up in the feeling of pain, heartache, and betrayal. I also know that even though it isn't always easy, 'happily ever after' does exist.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a wonderful week.