2Jes dies and Kaz feels responsible. So he breaks down in front of Colm fahey.
Kaz:
It was my fault. All the crows agreed it was a suicide mission, even Jesper who was the most daring of us all. Now, he is dead. 2 crows dead, we all knew this road would end. I just thought that maybe Jesper would get some common sense and leave me and the crows.
I guess in a way he did. Just not the way I was hoping. Inej said he was with the saints, I like being right. Scratch that, love being right, and I usually am. But this time I hope I'm wrong, I hope Jesper is playing poker with Matthias and his mother and some of the saints. Waiting for us to see him again.
He should still be here, I should have been the one to be shot. But no, Jesper had to be my savior, to die in my arms. He was my best friend, Brother. And now he is the blood that stains my skin.
It should have been easy, not nearly as risky as the ice court heist but borderline suicide. Invading the merchant council, assassinating them and stealing the kerch law book. To rewrite them for our own advantage.
—-
"This is suicide Kaz!" Wylan practically yells. His voice echoing throughout his Mansion.
"We've had riskier missions, and all survived." I say matter-of-factly.
"The ice court heist was pure luck." added Nina.
"No, it's called planning and strategic thinking. None of that was luck, it was me. Planning. Like I'm doing with this plan." I say bitterly.
"This isn't going to go well Kaz and you know it." Inej called out.
Deep down somewhere I knew this wasn't a good idea. That something bad would happen, but I couldn't lose the chance.
We walked in, without any complications, that should have been my first sign that this mission wasn't going to go as planned. I had abandoned my cane at the exit point, so my mobility and speed was already compromised.
Jesper and me had taken out own route, with Inej scouting as usual.
—-
"You did this!" Wylan yelled at me.
I couldn't respond. I had done this, I caused all of this. I couldn't talk, it felt like the Queens Lady Plague had invaded my throat again. I felt hands all over me. Dead ones. Jespers. I needed to throw up, or just leave.
"What! You aren't even going to say anything!? Typical Kaz. Not owning up to his own mistakes. You should've died, not Jesper!" Wylan started walking towards me, anger in his eyes. Behind that a great sadness that made me want to curl into a ball and stab myself.
Wylan pulled his arm back and punched me right in the jaw, earning a Crack from my jaw, and a surprised grunt from me. I turned back towards him, remorse in my eyes, he punched again. Inej eventually jumped in and tried to make him stop, but I pushed her away and continued taking Wylans blows.
I deserved it, I took his love away. What he and Jesper had was special, nothing could replace that. Wylan continued to punch me until I was on the ground, blood pooling from my broken nose. My vision blurry from the forming black eyes.
Eventually all I could see was black, the pain didn't stop, but I didn't want it too. I woke up in my bed, Inej next to me cleaning my face.
"Why did you let him beat you up so much Kaz?" Inej questioned. We both knew that I could have gotten away at any point, and that I chose not too.
"It is nothing compared to what Wylan is going through. Plus, I deserved it. I'm the reason I've lost 2 brothers." I choked out through my sore throat.
"Kaz… I'm not going to tell you it's not your fault. You sent us in there, but we all messed up, and Jesper sacrificed himself." Inej said, trying to make eye contact.
"Thank you Inej, for everything you have done for me over the last few years. If the saints are real I hope they all have a heart like yours." I say truthfully.
"That means alot coming from you Kaz. But I must ask, why does that sound like a goodbye?" She replies concerned.
"I guess I'm just feeling sentimental, and I've realized that life is too short not to appreciate the people you love." I lied.
"I have to go," she hesitated, "Wylan isn't doing too well, and it's my shift to watch him. See you later Kaz." Inej says, leaving the room and shutting the door.
—-
It crossed my mind as I stood on the balcony railing if she knew what I was planning. Despite what you may think, Jespers death isn't the only event to blame for my situation. And it surely hadn't made me start to allow the thoughts of ending it cross my mind.
It all started when Jordie died. Then more thoughts as time went on. I called them weakness, insecurities, just self doubt, not believing that I could accomplish my goal. Then I met Inej, the girl of my dreams, even though I'm stuck in my nightmares. Then they stopped, only for a matter of months.
Now I get the thoughts almost constantly.
Just jump, put everyone else out of their misery they don't care about you.
Come on, don't dodge the knife, everyone will think it's an accident. May even be happy about it.
Just a few more drinks and your liver will give out, it'll be easy, just do it.
Those are only a few. It's not like it's surprising I've thought about this before, but still I can't help but wish I had been optimistic like Jesper. Seeing the good in everything and everyone. It is a shame that no one else will ever get to know him as I did.
He was my brother, maybe even more so than Jordie was. Blindly loyal to a fault, optimistic, hopeful, everything that gets you killed in a place like the Barrel.
The wind blows my discarded cane over to the floor, my bones chilling and causing me to take deeper breathes. Enjoying the last few I will ever take. It is for the best, best for everyone everywhere. I'm just the monster under the bed, waiting to strike whether I realize it or not.
So I put my foot forward, guiding my weight over the dark street. Closing my eyes and making my piece with the world. The wind blowing, electrifying my senses, the first time since my father's incident that I feel at peace.
"kaz?" A young voice calls from behind me. Wylan, I conclude.
"Go away, if you have anything mean to say you can say it to my course." I say bitterly, wanting him to leave so I can finish what I started.
"What are you doing?" Wylan asks, voice sounding so young and Innocent, Like he's been crying for hours, unable to stop. Which he most likely has.
"What does it look like." I bite back, "now, will you leave, I'm busy." I refuse to look at him. It will only make my guilt worse.
"Kaz, I came here to apologize. We shouldn't have taken the job, you didn't force us to take the job. We wanted to take it.." Wylan apologizes, "now will you step down from there before you fall?" He asks, taking a few steps forward.
I let out a stiff laugh, "why would I do that, this is where I want to be." I say, my voice barely louder than the wind.
"You don't have to do this. We can help you, we're your family, Kaz. If this is about Jesper, it's not your fault. He would've taken a thousand bullets for you. We all would." Wylan says, slowly moving towards me.
"You barely know anything about me." I say back, "You shouldn't take a bullet for someone like me."
"What do you mean someone like you? Kaz." Wylan questions. Obviously trying to buy time for someone else to come or to get me down.
"I am a monster, a Barrel Rat, a bastard, a killer, and a broken man. There is no hope for me, so why would you waste your life taking my bullet." I say bluntly.
"Because your so much more than that. I didn't see it at first, but Jesper did immediately. And he showed me how incredible you could be. You care so much Kaz, that you can't even show it." Wylan expressed. Almost able to reach me.
I let one tear slip from my eye. No one would admit any of this in any other situation, I'm not stupid I know that Wylan can't possibly believe what he's saying.
"Goodbye Wylan. I'll see you in the next life." I take my final step off of the ledge. Coming to peace with my fate.
ending one/2, I'll continue this story, but change the ending to where he doesnt die, but also keep this one for all yall who want a suicide fic, cause i get that haha