betting on false hope
A whole year has passed since Luke and Cassie's divorce. Cassie has gone on to national success with The Loyal, touring the country and living the rockstar life. Luke became a social worker for veterans struggling with addiction after being discharged from the military. But when The Loyal comes back to Oceanside for a special hometown show, Luke feels compelled to go.
What could have happened if Cassie hadn't gone after Luke after The Loyal's Hollywood Bowl performance.
Luke hadn't decided if it was a bad idea yet, going to see Cassie's show at the House of Blues. But he had the already purchased the ticket out of impulse once the show was announced and now he was already there and paid an insane amount for stupid city parking, so there was no turning back now.
It'd been over a year since he'd last seen her, when he walked into the courtroom and noticed her in the corner, dressed as if she were at a funeral, her hair pulled back into a sad, low ponytail, with two strands framing her sad face. It was then that he decided he didn't want her to be sad, to be hurting, and that he had to do something that wouldn't get her a criminal record. He half expected her to reach out to him the next day before he was escorted to the brig to live out his six month sentence.
It was a rough six months for him. He was left mostly alone with his thoughts, opting to keep to himself and be on his best behavior in hopes that they'd lighten his sentence. To be fair, deceiving the government wasn't a light crime. He completed his sentence, with his family visiting him once a week. It was the only time of the week where he felt normal, felt connected to the outside world. When his brother came to visit him once, he had told Luke that Cassie's band had signed a record deal and was going on a nationwide tour, opening for Florence and the Machine. Luke wondered if she would come see him before she left for tour. She never did.
The only time that Luke had any sort of communication from Cassie during that time was when his father came to visit a few weeks into his sentence, with a thick stack of paper in a manila envelope. Divorce papers. Luke didn't want to sign them, at least not before talking to Cassie first. But his father insisted that Cassie was firm in her decision, and that there was no changing her mind.
Once he completed his six months in the brig, he immediately reached out to Yarvis, his social worker that helped him after his accident in Iraq. He decided that since he would be discharged from the military, he needed a new life. He had no wife, no job, and didn't want to be a burden to his dad. So, he became a social worker and worked with veterans struggling with addiction, something he had his own experience in. He also returned to his running regime, aiming to participate in a marathon within the next year. He even got his own apartment, only a couple miles from his brother's place.
But while Luke was trying to rebuild his life, Cassie was always in the back of his mind, her face etched into his brain, her light brown eyes, pouty lips, the dimple in her chin. He couldn't forget about her even if he tried. No, really. Her face was plastered all over town, The Loyal being Oceanside's latest success story. There was a huge billboard by the freeway, the one he conveniently had to take to work everyday, a brutal reminder of what he once had. He had to admit, she looked good in the photo: her blinding smile, her perfectly windswept hair, her low-cut top, he almost forgot that she wasn't the only one in the photo, but she was the only one that mattered.
Now, The Loyal was headlining arena shows. Luke was extremely proud of her, how could he not be? But he couldn't help but privately take credit for her career: she had called him her muse, after all. And still, after their falling out, Luke kept in the loop with the new songs that she'd drop. He couldn't help but wonder if the lyrics she had poured out to the world were about him, or someone else. Surely, as the current hottest band in the country, Cassie would have had her fair share of flings. Luke hated to think that she'd succumbed to that rockstar behavior, sleeping with a new guy in every city. Or perhaps, she had fallen into a private, long-term relationship with someone that wasn't him.
Luke wandered the streets after he parked, trying to find the entrance of the venue. It wasn't hard, as hundreds of teenage girls wearing The Loyal shirts lined the perimeter of the building. He thought it was surreal, how people around him were wearing shirts with his ex's face on it. He stood at the end of the line silently, eavesdropping on the fans talking about Cassie and arguing about who was the bigger fan among their group.
"I wonder if she's as pretty in real life!" She was.
"Do you think she lip syncs?" She didn't.
"I heard she was dating Toby, their drummer." What? Surely, Luke would have heard this gossip. Not that he was keeping tabs on her. (He definitely was.)
Luke swayed on the balls of his feet, getting irritated by the gossiping fans. He had to admit he looked out of place: a twenty-something year old man waiting in line with a bunch of teen girls.
The doors opened half an hour later, and the line was quickly ushered into the venue. As much as Luke liked and appreciated live music, he couldn't care less for the opening act. So he wandered until he found the bar, claiming one of the stools as his for the next hour and a half until The Loyal's set time. He ordered a beer and downed it. He'd ended up having three: enough to get him buzzed, but not enough to dissociate. He wanted to remember tonight.
Luke had never seen Cassie perform live before, besides the little private shows she'd held for him in her apartment when she was writing songs or practicing by herself when they were still married. He should've gone to see her at The Hollywood Bowl, her first big performance, but that was the same day he entered the brig, and he didn't want to get into any more trouble than he already was.
Luke had watched The Loyal's performances online, in awe of Cassie's stage presence. She was really born for this, Luke thought every single time. She was so connected to her music, her lyrics, and it showed in the way she moved as she sang her heart out. He was certain that her performance tonight was going to be just as good, if not better. He couldn't wait to see her.
Once the crowd's cheering increased after intermission, Luke felt his senses heighten. He gulped, slid a few bills across the bar's counter, and straightened himself. He pushed through the crowd, stopping when he was in the middle. Luke didn't want to be too far from the stage, but he didn't want to be too close either. Luke's heart lodged in his throat and his body felt tense when he saw Cassie walk across the stage, blowing kisses in every direction as she adjusted her in-ear monitors. Her curled black hair was pulled back into two half pigtails, her face like porcelain, smooth and perfect. She wore leather pants, a cropped tube top, and heeled combat boots. Her outfit accentuated every part of her body. She looked good. But then again, she always did, without fail.
"How are we doing tonight?!" Cassie said enthusiastically once she reached her mic stand in the middle of the stage. She raised her arms, encouraging the crowd to scream louder. "Thank you all for coming! Oceanside will always have a special place in my heart." She held her hands on her chest, smiling as she took in the roaring crowd.
Luke couldn't help but wonder if she was talking about him. He was doubtful. Oceanside was her hometown, where she grew up, where she decided she wanted to become a musician, where she became whole.
The band began to play the intro to Blue Side of the Sky, their current hit, one of the many songs that Luke witnessed come into fruition. And just as expected, Cassie let herself go into the music. She was fierce on that stage, confident: two of the many things that Luke loved about her. He smiled softly as he watched her bounce back and forth across the stage, letting the music take over.
He sang along to every word of every song they played. Many songs he felt a personal connection to, how could he not? She had written them about their relationship, fake or not. The words that lingered on her lips rang in his brain, aware they were about him, or were inspired by him. Other songs, their newer ones, Luke wasn't sure who they were about. Probably Toby. But still, Luke knew every word.
Luke internally panicked when he thought Cassie had made eye contact with him multiple times during the show, but quickly faltered when he decided that with the hundreds of people in the crowd with him, this was highly unlikely. She wouldn't have been able to pick him out of this crowd. He wished she did.
At the end of the show, Luke was cheering along with the crowd, beaming. He was so proud of her, living her dream, not having to worry about how to pay for her medical bills, even if that meant him not being part of her life anymore.
When the crowds on the streets had cleared after the show, Luke parked himself down on a bench near the side entrance of the venue. He wasn't ready to go home. He wasn't ready to let go of her yet. But she was probably long gone by now, comfortably on her tour bus, rolling her way to her next destination.
He had thought that it was just in his head when he heard his name.
"Luke?"
Luke's head whipped to the direction of the voice, a saccharine voice he knew all too well. It was the voice that he had just heard for an hour and a half straight. A voice whose Luke's name belonged to, a voice that felt like home.
"Oh my god, it is you," Cassie said, a small smile plastered onto her face when she caught Luke's eyes.
Luke took a moment to take in her presence, she had changed from her show clothes to matching sweats and a pair of sneakers. She let her hair down, her makeup wiped off. He thought she looked as beautiful as ever.
"Hi," Luke greeted sheepishly. He wiped his palms on his pants before getting up and walking hesitantly towards her, leaving a couple of feet between them. He couldn't believe she was standing here in front of him.
"How are you doing, Luke?" Cassie's shoulders relaxed as she tilted her head, and her demeanor changed. Suddenly, she wasn't the Cassie that Luke had watched carefully on stage, fierce and confident. Now, she was the Cassie that only Luke knew: the one who felt safe in his presence, vulnerable. Cassie shook her head. "I thought I saw you in the crowd, but I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me."
"Not as good as you," he managed to say, his voice shy and soft. He gestured to her. "Cassie Salazar, international superstar."
Cassie chuckled and tucked a stray hair behind her ear, suppressing another smile, the apples of her cheeks reddening slightly. She replied, "National."
"Still. This is your dream," Luke said. He clasped his hands together. "I'm really proud of you. You were amazing out there."
"Thank you," Cassie said, holding her hands behind her.
As silence filled the space around them, the warmth of the street lamps emphasized the glow of Cassie's face. She looked ethereal, happy. Happy without him. Luke bit his lip and took a deep breath, unsure what to say next. God, running into an ex was so awkward.
"I wrote you, Luke," Cassie said simply. She was now fiddling with her thumbs, looking down on the ground and took a small step forward. Luke had the instinct to take a step back, when really, he wanted nothing but to be closer to her.
Luke stared at her blankly, he had no idea what she was talking about.
"When you were in the brig," Cassie clarified. Her brows furrowed and stared straight at his chest. "I wrote you letters. You never wrote me back. I figured that was enough for me to know that maybe you didn't feel the same way."
"I… I didn't get any letters," Luke swallowed, his hands limp at his sides. If he had gotten letters from Cassie, he would've remembered. He would've written her back, and kept those letters like they were his lifeline. He would've had something to look forward to when he got out.
"I gave them to your dad," Cassie took a deep breath. Luke could tell she was holding her tears back, her throat obviously tight. "He said he'd give them to you when he visited."
That would explain it. At first, Luke's father was fond of Cassie, thought she was good for him. But then he found out the whole marriage was a sham, and, well, figured that Cassie was too. Luke had no chance to defend her to him, not when he was just lashing out at him for screwing things up as per usual.
"Figures," Cassie muttered, shaking her head and biting her bottom lip.
"The only thing he brought me from you were the divorce papers," Luke replied quietly. "I figured that's what you wanted. So I signed them."
"When you never wrote back, I just assumed we were over," Cassie said with a shrug. She closed her eyes, a defeated breath escaping her. She crossed her arms over her chest, and Luke knew she was feeling closed off now. She opened her eyes again and looked in the depths of Luke's. "What was I supposed to do Luke?"
Luke looked down at the ground, his brows furrowed, shoving his fists in his pockets.
"It was just easier to move on than wait for something that may or may not happen."
Luke was afraid of those words spilling out of her mouth, that she'd moved on. What did he expect? They had no communication since their huge fight at Cassie's about her mom and Johnno and Luke's past. Were they supposed to just wait it out? Hope some miracle would happen and bring them back together?
The last time they'd seen each other was at Luke's trial, where he blatantly lied to the judge that the fraudulent marriage was his idea, and his idea only. Like didn't expect Cassie to speak up and object. He didn't want her to. For the first time in his life, he knew that he was capable of loving someone, and that loving someone meant protecting them and putting them before yourself. Luke learned this from his father, who never left his mother's side when she was dying.
Cassie was the only one who really knew Luke. It was hard for Luke to open up to people, his fear of judgment and disappointing others always clouding the back of his mind. But with Cassie, it was… easy. Effortless. She was just as broken as he was. She understood. He didn't want to throw it all away. But clearly they already had, their divorce finalized a year ago.
"Can I tell you something?" Cassie put her hand on his forearm, her voice soft. Her touch felt familiar on his skin, sending shivers down his entire body. He could succumb to her touch if he wasn't careful.
Luke nodded, avoiding her gaze. He knew if he looked at her again he just might lose it.
"I went after you," Cassie gulped. Her brows knit together. "That day. I rushed after my show but by the time I got there it was too late. You were already gone."
Luke clenched his jaw, he felt like he was drowning. Drowning in the what ifs and what might've happened if she had gotten to Camp Pendleton in time. Would they have worked it out? Would they have still been together? Or were they always doomed from the start?
"I tried to call you on the way," she continued, "but you never answered."
"I left my phone at home," Luke said meekly. "When I got out my dad got me a new phone so I didn't see the calls."
"He didn't tell you," Cassie replied.
Luke shook his head. He thought back to his release from the brig. As soon as he got home and got a hold of his new phone, he fought with himself for hours, hesitating if he should text Cassie or not. He had this whole speech prepared. But when he was halfway done typing the message, his thumb grazed over the backspace button and erased it all. She probably doesn't want to hear from me, he concluded.
"A part of me really hoped to see you in that crowd that day," Cassie blinked. She swallowed, shook her head and let out a dry laugh. "Obviously, I knew… I knew you wouldn't be there." Softer, she added, "You've always wanted to come see me perform."
"You know I would've been there," Luke said, "if I hadn't… you know."
"I never had a chance to thank you for what you did," Cassie said. "I mean, I did. In those letters. But you didn't get a chance to read them… I… You really didn't have to say what you did—we were both equally in the wrong. It was my idea in the first place."
Luke hesitated to reach out for her, to touch her, to hold her. Cassie noticed, and took his hands into hers, a glint of reassurance in her eyes. Luke held his breath.
"I had nothing to lose," Luke replied softly, "except you."
Luke raised his hand to cup Cassie's cheek. Cassie closed her eyes and put her hand over his. She took a deep breath, and he could feel her subtle trembling. Her mouth twitched, and then tears escaped her, trickling down the contours of her face, seeping between Luke's fingers. Luke let a breath escape, using his thumbs to wipe the tears away. Cassie hiccuped, her breath uneven.
Without another thought, Luke pulled Cassie flush against him, wrapping his arms tightly around her. He felt Cassie relax her body, push her face against his chest, and began to sob uncontrollably. Luke could feel her tears dampen his shirt, but he didn't care.
With one hand on the small of her back, Luke let his other hand rub the middle, in an attempt to comfort her. He tucked her head under his chin, where it fit perfectly, and pressed his lips on the top of her head, inhaling the familiar scent of her cucumber shampoo.
When Cassie had finally controlled her breathing, she sniffled and pulled back, looking up at Luke with damp eyes.
"I missed you," Cassie whispered, then burying her face into his chest again, giving in to more sobs.
Luke took a deep breath and squeezed her. He couldn't believe she had just said that, not when he figured that she would've been over him by now. Not that he was over her.
"Cassie… I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you," Luke replied, pulling her away to meet her eyes. "You wanna know why I came tonight?"
Cassie quickly wiped her face with her palms, nodding as she sniffled.
"I wanted to support you, yes. But I've missed you so much, you don't understand," Luke said, his voice trembling. "I was so hurt when I didn't hear from you when I was in the brig, even more hurt when I had to sign the papers. But I knew that deep down it was for the best. You deserved to be happy, and Jake had told me he saw online that The Loyal was really taking off, and I knew that was your dream. But there was a part of me that wished things were different…
By the time I got out, I figured that it wouldn't be a good idea to reach out to you, assuming you forgot about me and all. So I tried to forget about you too. I got a new job, trained for a marathon… but nothing I seemed to do kept you off my mind. It didn't help that there's a giant billboard of your face by the freeway that I pass every day. Then I heard The Loyal was playing a show here. I knew I had to get a ticket. I wanted to support you. But also… I wasn't sure if I'd get a chance to talk to you—"
Cassie crashed her lips onto Luke's, and allowed her hands to cup his cheeks. Luke held the back of her neck as he deepened the kiss, parting his lips to let her tongue in. He let his hands wander down her body, resting them at her waist, Cassie's hands now pressed against his chest. When Cassie pulled away, Luke pouted. He wanted to savor this moment forever, feeling his insides flutter.
"I was waiting for you," Cassie said simply. She held Luke's hands and held them up between them. Luke noticed what he hadn't earlier: there, sitting on her left ring finger, was the makeshift ring he had made her.