betting on false hope pt. 3, After


That night, Luke took Cassie home with him. He insisted he didn't mind going on the bus, but Cassie told him the bus was leaving soon and she didn't want him having to worry about how to get home. She also mentioned that it was just one bus for all five band members. They weren't going to get any privacy for the things they longed to do. Luke promised he'd get her out to her next show in two days.

Hours seemed like minutes as they spent the night together, catching each other up on the past year: Luke's time in the brig and his life after, Cassie's time on the road and her music career. Conversation between them was so easy, like they didn't spend any time apart at all. When they weren't talking, their bodies were flush against each other, lips connected. Luke still had every part of Cassie's body memorized, tracing her tattoos delicately and finding the sensitive spot under her ear with his mouth. God, he'd missed her.

The next night, Luke and Cassie were tangled in the sheets of Luke's bed, both trying to catch their breaths. Cassie pulled the sheets up to cover her chest and snuggled against the crook of Luke's neck, her fingers drawing circles on his bare chest. She sighed.

Luke looked down at her, pressing his lips to her forehead. "What?"

"Nothing," Cassie said, smiling as she planted kisses across Luke's chiseled jaw. "I just love you."

"Gross," Luke wrinkled his nose. He whispered against her cheek, "I love you, too."

"Tour's over soon," Cassie said. "I'll be back here in a couple weeks."

"What does this mean for us?" Luke smiled. He knew the answer, but he wanted her to say it.

"I want us to try this." Cassie took Luke's hand, lacing their fingers. She squeezed his hand. "For real. Take things slow, do it all the right way."

"The right way, huh?" Luke lifted their hands so he could kiss Cassie's knuckles.

Cassie rested her chin on his collarbone and nodded as she looked up at him with adoring eyes.

"Cassie, will you go out with me, say, in a couple of weeks?" Luke asked with a smirk.

"I'd love that," Cassie giggled, lifting herself up so she could give Luke an open-mouthed kiss.

A few more weeks until Luke could take Cassie out for their first official date. Luke found that he could breathe easier and he was smiling more, now that they were back together. Luke's father noticed this at a family dinner, and when confronted about it, Spencer was the one to blurt out, "He's back with Auntie Cassie!"

Luke was floating on air and didn't even flinch when his father finally admitted that he kept Cassie's letters from him. Instead of lashing out at him and creating a scene, Luke took the letters and immediately went home to read them in peace.

Dear Luke,

I want you to know that I went after you. But I was too late. Maybe if I had stepped on the gas just a little harder, I would've made it on time. I even tried calling you, to let you know I was coming and maybe stall so I could see you, but you didn't answer. I think I know why you didn't. You didn't want to hope, right? You probably thought I was gonna say something about getting a divorce, didn't you? I don't want to, if you don't.

But I would've thrown myself at you and told you how much you mean to me if I had made it on time. I would've told you that I understand why you did what you did, taking the blame. Because you care about me, and caring about people means putting them before yourself. I would've told you that despite your past and everything else that happened between us that… I love you. Isn't that crazy? Me, Cassie Salazar, has fallen in love? And you would've made fun of me, I know you would have.

I never thought that love was meant for me, because if it was, then my parents would still be together and my dad wouldn't have left. I don't want to get hurt the way my mom did. It took years for her to pick herself up and move on, and I just didn't want that for me. But you made me realize that maybe love is worth the risk of getting hurt. And it's so scary to me, putting all that trust in one person, giving up control. But you know what? It's a little less scary knowing that that person is you. In fact, I trust you with my whole heart. Here, have it!

I know I said I didn't need you, and I don't. I can take care of myself and fight my own battles. I can live without you, but the thing is, I don't want to. I want you to live life with me because my world is better with you in it. I want to write all my songs about you because everyone needs to know how amazing you are and how crazy our love story is.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place. I literally just got home from base and if I didn't write this now I might never get the words right.

I love you.

Love,
Cassie


Cassie was due to come home in a couple of days. Luke was ecstatic, and as much as he enjoyed his job, he couldn't wait to get home so he could call Cassie before her show. It became routine for them, the past couple of weeks, always calling each other right after Cassie's finished soundcheck. But when Luke checked his mail as he stepped into his apartment, he was greeted with a thick, manila envelope.

The envelope was covered in Cassie's scrawl, the return address from a hotel in Miami. Before his mind could flood with memories from the time his father had plopped down a similar envelope in front of him from when he was in the brig, Luke ripped open the envelope and examined its contents. Scanning the dates of the several papers, he noticed that they were from over a year ago, to recently. Luke realized that Cassie still wrote him letters and never sent them. When she thought he didn't love her anymore. His heart pounded in his chest to his ears as he began to read.

Dear Luke,

I sent them. The papers. I hadn't heard from you so I figured you didn't feel the same way. Maybe you never did. I'll never know, because I'm done sending these letters. What's the point of sending them if you're never going to write back anyway? You probably haven't even read them. I don't blame you, I was the one who wanted you out of my apartment, and you wanted to explain yourself and I didn't let you. I wish I had. But I was selfish and scared and I just didn't want anything to happen to my mom. You get that, right?

This divorce is what's best. It's what we planned on in the beginning of all this, right? You and me, scam the government, get benefits, get divorced. And that deal is over now. We hated each other. We were never supposed to work. So then why am I having second thoughts? Is this what hope feels like?

We're playing Chicago tonight. This city is beautiful, the mixed styles of the architecture really gives the city so much personality. Everyone always romanticizes New York City but I think it's overrated. It smells like garbage, there's too much traffic, and there's giant rats stealing people's pizzas. Chicago is where it's at: the fresh air, the wider streets, the mob history! I always thought I was more of a beach girl having grown up in Southern California but I think one day I'd want to settle down in a Chicago suburb. Maybe with you, maybe with someone else.

Hope you're doing well.

Cassie


Dear Luke,

Something crazy happened. I was performing and I glanced out into the audience and I saw you. At least, I thought I saw you. I looked away and then looked back and it wasn't you at all. Crazy, how our minds play tricks on us when we're vulnerable.

Vulnerable. Huh. You know I used to hate being vulnerable. It was just easier to bottle everything up inside and just pretend like everything was okay.

Speaking of pretending like everything's okay and being vulnerable… I think my hallucination or whatever had something to do with my blood sugar. I was low before the show, I guess I'd forgotten to eat because we had a full day of interviews and appearances and we were just so busy. You remember our drummer, Toby, right? Yeah, well good thing he was there to help me bring my sugar back up before we had to do soundcheck. But the whole time he was helping me, I was thinking of you, how you held me that one night in my apartment, and your heart was going crazy and you said you were scared and I knew that you meant you were scared of losing me.

Would it be weird if I said I still love you? I guess not, since you're never going to read this anyway.

Cassie


Dear Luke,

Jake called me and told me you were getting out of the brig today. I wish I could come see you, but we're in Seattle tonight. I think it was nice of Jake to let me know, like he's rooting for us.

I really like your family, Luke. Jake and Hailey feel like siblings to me and they just make me feel comfortable and loved the way my mother does. Your father seems to like me, too, I think. He's kind of hard to read. But I'll take it, since I never really had a dad. And Spencer, I just love the way he looks up to you and the way he calls me "Auntie Cassie," like I really am part of the family. But I'm not anymore.

I still miss you and if things were different I would be there for your homecoming. I'd run into your arms and you'd pick me up and twirl me around like we're in some dumb romcom. Then we'd kiss and kiss until our mouths are sore but we wouldn't care because we'd have each other.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should take guys up on their offer and let them buy me drinks and go on a date, because I need to move on from you. But then other times I remember that I still write letters to you. I don't think I'm ready to date yet. Besides, who wants to date a twenty-seven year old divorcee?

Seattle is nice, by the way. We got in late last night and people say it's such a gloomy city but I think it's just the way it's quiet and feels homey and I want to fall asleep in the melancholy of it all.

Good luck getting back out there, Luke. I hope you figure out what you want to do, and I hope it's something you love.

Cassie


Dear Luke,

Tonight we're playing the Staples Center, can you believe it?! This whole journey with my music and band has been so surreal that I still get so excited when I see my face on billboards or when I hear our songs on the radio. I wonder if that's surreal for you too, hearing songs about you on the radio. Must be.

After tonight's show, we're heading to Oceanside. Home. We're playing the House of Blues tomorrow. There's no arenas in Oceanside but we couldn't not play a hometown show. It's a long shot, but I really hope you come. I'd love to see your face in the crowd. You've always said you wanted to see me perform, right? Here's your chance.

Maybe after the show we can hang out or something. You can tell me about what you've been up to and I can tell you about tour life and how cramped the bus is with five grown-ass adults who act like children.

Please come. I miss you.

Cassie


My dearest Luke,

Life has a funny way of working, doesn't it? A few more weeks and I'll be home. We'll be in between records so I'll get a chance to breathe for a bit and we'll get to spend time together. Maybe we can do things a bit differently, do the things we never really got to do because of… you know. We can go on dates, awkwardly hold hands, make out at the movies, have sleepovers, properly meet each other's families… do the whole nine yards.

I'm excited to work on a new album. That means I'll get to write about you again. But let's be honest, when am I not? I know you probably think some weren't about you because they were post-break up, but they are.

"You took the beating of my heart, it doesn't work the same. I close my eyes sometimes and hope that I see your face."

Come on. You can't tell me you heard those words and not realize they were about you?

Well, I'll guess I'll have to make it more clear next time. How do you feel about me name dropping you in a song? Better yet, I can just title the song Luke Morrow. We can talk about it when I get home.

I haven't been sure of a lot of things in my life: my father, my health, the way I perceive the world. But if there's one thing I'm sure of: it's you.

See you soon. I'm counting down the days.

Love,
Cassie