4November Writing Competition: we fell in love in october / "take a walk when autumn comes to town" / sapphire / nostalgia / "look, let's just take this outside"
What happened to us?
We sit at opposite sides of the camp. You, in a circle, talking cheerily with your friends. Me, alone, watching you.
You don't even look my way.
You, who brought me out of my shell. You, who showed me sights I have never seen before. You, who taught me love. After everything, how could we be reduced to this? Passing glances without any emotion behind them?
Do you still think about me? Do you still think about what we were? How can we go back to being strangers after everything we've shared?
An orange leaf falls atop your head. You don't notice. If I were sitting beside you, I would have plucked it within in my paws and laid it gently in front of you.
…
I miss you.
I remember our first conversation—our first real conversation, I mean.
We had talked before. We were clanmates, after all. We've known each other our entire lives. Of course we talked—how are you? and how's your day been? and nice weather today, right? Those meaningless questions we use to fill the silence—that we ask but never care for the answer to.
I didn't know anything about you, and I didn't particularly care to find out either. We were in two completely different circles. You were so extroverted—always flitting from one cat to another, always chatting their ears off. And I didn't talk much. I kept to myself, never daring to voice my thoughts. What if I said something wrong or stupid? Would you go laugh about me with all your other, cooler friends? It was easier to say nothing at all.
Something changed though, on that day.
Leaf-fall was approaching—I could sense it in the cool breeze that ruffled my fur and the orange tint in once green leaves. Most warriors were sent out on hunting patrols; it was prudent to stock up on prey before they all went into hiding. So the border patrol that day… it was just me and you.
We walked in silence for all of five minutes. But, of course, you could never stay quiet for too long.
You opened your mouth, and I braced myself for another stilted conversation. "So, how's your day been going so far? I know it's only morning, but anything interesting happen so far?"
I continued walking, my gaze resolutely fixed on the horizon. The sooner I could get out of this, the better. "It's been fine," I responded curtly. "Nothing has happened."
"Same here," you said, and left it at that. I didn't look back, but somehow, I could still feel your gaze boring into the back of my head.
It wasn't until after we marked the border that you started to speak again.
"Ah, this is so boring," you complained. I pushed down the wave of irritation that flooded my body. It was a border patrol. It wasn't meant to be fun. "Hey, want to hear a story that happened a few days ago?"
No, I thought, but you continued without my input.
"Okay, you know my apprentice, right? Stonepaw. I've been teaching him how to hunt, but to be honest, he isn't that great at it. We were on patrol the other day, and I told him to bring me a mouse… but he was balancing his weight all wrong! The mouse could probably hear him coming from fox-lengths away! But this mouse… instead of running away, it just sat there, watching him constantly fail at catching it. He was so mad! It was so funny to watch."
Looking back at it, the story wasn't very funny at all—or perhaps I've replayed this moment in my head so many times that it's lost all its humour. Either way, something about the image of a cat being taunted by a small mouse still made me laugh.
It lowered my inhibitions enough to let me joke back. "You're so cruel," I teased. "Why didn't you tell him his form was off?"
Your eyes brightened. It was the first time I noticed the colour—a clear, dark blue, like the sapphires that shimmer in our dens. "Where else was I supposed to get my laughter for the day from? They do say it's the best medicine, you know."
From there, the conversation devolved into the most random things. You knew how to hold a conversation. You could connect to even my most lackluster replies. I was laughing the whole way back to camp.
I had no idea I could feel like that around someone else—so comfortable, so free. And I had no idea it was you, of all cats, who could make me feel that way.
Our relationship grew from there.
When the deputy called out patrols the next day, you interrupted. You and I were such a great team yesterday—so efficient—it would be a good idea to put us together again today and let the rest of the warriors hunt…
He rolled his eyes and ignored you.
Still, it surprised me. I had begun to look at you in a different light. Something about you made me want to get closer, like a moth drawn to a flame. I wanted to recreate that comfort you had made me feel. I didn't expect you to feel the same.
In my memories, my days that leaf-fall are tinted with a golden glow. When I was with you, everything felt simple, in a way it never had before. It was like the threads of my universe were tangled, and you pulled them free one by one.
I think I laughed more with you that I had laughed in my entire life. You brought out something in me I didn't even know existed.
One day, you burst into the warriors' den. I had just settled down in my nest, hoping for a good night's rest, when you nudged my shoulder with your paw. "Get up."
I lifted my head and blearily blinked one eye open. "What?"
"Get up, sleepyhead," you repeated, nudging me harder. "Look, I'm taking you somewhere! Just come outside!"
"Ugh," I groaned, but slowly got to my feet. I found it hard to say no to you.
Your mouth lifted into a toothy grin. I startled as you intertwined your tail with mine. "It's dark," you explained. "This way, we won't lose each other."
You were practically bouncing as you me out of the camp. We walked side by side in the darkness. I could feel my eyes closing and my movements slowing, but you just pushed me forward.
"Stop. We're here." You came to a stop so suddenly that I almost tripped over my own paws.
I opened my eyes. In front of us stood a small dwelling made out of wood. It was old—there was a hole in the roof that branches seemed to sprout out of, broken glass littered the floor, and moss had starting growing on the ledges. There were a few of these dwellings in our territory. Many moons ago, before either of us were even born, twolegs used to live and hunt in these woods. For some reason though, they all disappeared one by one. These lodges were the only trace of them remaining.
"A twoleg nest?" I asked incredulously. Did I really lose out of sleep for this? "What are we supposed to see here?"
"I don't like your tone of voice," you said in reply. "Trust me. Come." You unlinked your tail from mine and strode forward. Suddenly, I missed your warmth.
You hopped onto the window ledge, and from there, onto a low-hanging tree branch. You looked down and gestured for me to follow. I sighed but climbed up beside you anyway. We jumped together onto the roof.
The first thing I noticed was the sky. I was in awe—I had never in my life seen the stars so clearly. I was always on the ground, and they were always hidden by the trees. They lit up the sky, twinkling on endlessly.
"My mentor showed me this place when I was an apprentice," came your voice from beside me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the glint of your claws digging into the wood below us.
I turned to face you, opening my mouth with no idea yet of what I was going to say, but stopped short. You… looked different. Your white fur seemed to shine brighter under the moon's soft glow. The sapphire sky was reflected in your eyes. You looked ethereal.
"...What do you think?" you asked, a nervous lilt to your voice.
Words could not describe my feelings then. Everything I came up with sounded inadequate. "I love it," I breathed out in the end, my eyes still fixed on your face.
The smile my words brought you was blinding. I knew then that I wanted to make you smile over and over, for the rest of our lives.
That leaf-fall, everywhere I looked, I could only see you.
When the birds sang, all I could hear was your beautiful voice. When I saw the roses at the camp entrance, all I could smell was you.
You were the sun that shone brightly through the trees. You were the face in the moon we watched every week on that roof. You were the leaves and the snow and the flowers and the rainbows. You were everything. '
I did not know life could be so beautiful before I met you.
Unfortunately, good things rarely last.
The haze of a new relationship wears off eventually.
I don't think I could even pinpoint a specific moment everything changed. It was a feeling that just kept growing; the more time we spent together, the more I started to notice your flaws. Things I once found endearing started to aggravate me.
The way you could clear the tension in the air with a single joke became the way you never took anything seriously. The way you could keep a conversation going without much input from me became the way you rushed forward without ever waiting for my opinion. The way you made friends so effortlessly became the way you never had time for me.
Leaf-bare was busy. On the colder days, the clan was forced to venture out of our territory just to find food to eat. We were separated more than we were together.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. That's a lie. Without you glued to my side, the rose-coloured tint on my world started to disappear. It became easy to see all the things I didn't like about you.
We talked one day, at the beginning of new-leaf, but I can't remember the words that were said. It seemed so unimportant at the moment, but in hindsight, it may have signalled the end of our fleeting relationship.
You said something. By then, you must have known it took me a while to respond to you. But you still barrelled onto the next topic like you always did. Something must have shown in my face or my actions, because your eyes seemed to dim. The stiltedness that had long since been gone from our conversations reappeared once more. Your replies got shorter and shorter until they faded away altogether.
From then on, we kept our distance. It stopped occurring to me to seek you out when I had free time. You started to slip away from my mind until I woke up one day and realized I hadn't thought of you in a while.
The best way for a relationship to come to an end, perhaps, is naturally.
It happens so slowly you barely even realize it.
No fights, no lies, no death. Nobody did anything wrong. You just realize that you don't have anything in common anymore. You can't make them smile or laugh or cry. You can't tell them everything, like you used to. You slowly start to drift apart until you're nothing more than strangers.
And yet, I still find myself looking back and wondering where it all went wrong. There is a grief in my chest I can't put into words. You are everywhere, but it is somehow different now. The gold has faded away—the edges of my word are stained with blue.
Do I even miss you? Or do I just miss the feeling of love you brought me?
…
You asked me once, when were you the happiest?
At the time, I had no answer. Now, I think about all the things I could've said.
It's so easy to miss things once they're over.