7It started normally enough, with two girls posing in the middle of a frozen field on a cloudy winter day. One stood with her arm extended up in a salute that would have been very suspect if this had taken place on earth, one foot kicked up as her skirt flapped in the breeze. In a slight nod to the fact that it was winter, she had on thick woolen stockings and a heavy cloak, but her bodice was still rather low cut, and her cheeks were as red as her eyes from the cold.
The other was dressed like some sort of little snow gremlin, which fit her personality nicely. She had on a white poncho over long black pants, with little black ears on the hood that had yellow tassles dangling from it. Her own pose had both arms spread wide, a manic grin on her face. The two girls' breath puffed misty in the air, the only sound that of the first's nervous breathing.
"GO!" the snow gremlin shouted, and both dove for the ground.
The one in the cloak began to carefully pack snow into exact spheres, then stack them on the ground. She meticulously made about two perfect snowballs, when the first of the misshapen hunks of snow and ice her foe was using smacked into her head.
"Ow! M-megumin! Using rocks is cheating!"
"HA! Only a fool does not use every tool available to them!" Megumin declared, hurling another snowball at her opponent, and leaving a welt on her left breast from the rock she'd stuck inside. "DO YOU YIELD, YUNYUN?!"
"No! I will be the next chief of the Crimson Demon Clan! I-I shall never yield!" Yunyun panted, then hurled her own ball, which knocked Megumin's hood off her head and sent the other girl toppling into the snow. Yunyun jerked to her feet, shocked, and ran over in a panic to her friend. "A-are you OK?!"
With a snarl, Megumin jumped up out of the snow and tackled Yunyun into a snowbank, then proceeded to dump snow by the armful onto Yunyun, until her victim pleaded for mercy.
"I win again!" Megumin declared, standing up and posing with a V Sign by her eye. She then extended a mittened hand to Yunyun, helping her half frostbitten rival to her feet. "Ha! Once more I declare victory! You have to buy me lunch."
Both of them walked back from the field, pausing only for Megumin to let off her daily Explosion and destroy a hapless whitefang that had been looking for an easy meal, and had mistaken the two little girls for something harmless. Instead of a walking SALT II violation and a demigod with anxiety issues. As Megumin's explosion was on the order of weapons that are strictly regulated by treaty on civilized worlds, there wasn't enough of the deadly wolf to fill a thimble.
After Yunyun took care of the three deadly One-Punch Bears that came to investigate the massive earthquake and fireball by doing her very best angry deity impression, she hoisted Megumin onto her back and trudged through the smocking crater and burning woodland. Like most teenagers, once Megumin blew her load, she was useless until she'd had a good long rest.
"Um, M-Megumin, would you like to uh, come over the day after tomorrow?" Yunyun asked.
"Why would I do that? Do you think we're friends or something?" Megumin demanded, taking a rather saucy tone for someone who was basically helpless save for Yunyun's willingness to give her a ride back to town. "We're rivals!"
"W-well, um, I w-was thinking…we could have a contest to see who could blow out the most candles on a cake!" Yunyun suggested.
"Why?" Megumin asked, sounding suspicious.
Yunyun wilted, slumping lower as she marched past the still smoldering remains of the 1000 kilo murder machine that she'd killed with a casual gesture a few minutes earlier. "Um, w-well…it's going to be my birthday, so…"
"No it isn't. You don't have a birthday this year," Megumin said dismissively. "It's not a leap year, and your birthday is on February 29th. Therefore, you have no birthday, and we definitely won't have a party for you."
Yunyun sniffled, but walked on quietly. Megumin coughed, and continued, "So, who else will be there?"
"No one. I don't have any friends," Yunyun said miserably.
"Well, have you asked anyone else?" Megumin demanded.
"No…I-I just wanted to spend my birthday with my best…rival…"
"Well, I have a better idea. You can come over to the mansion. I suppose I can have Darkness or Aqua cook something for you. Occasionally they have boring dishes like marbled red crab or something."
Yunyun immediately lit up. "I-I love marbled red crab! Especially with cheddar b-biscuits, a-and coleslaw, or maybe-"
"This isn't your birthday party! I will decide the dishes as host, and if you complain you can just stay home. Ugh, I don't even know why I'd invite you over, but it's too cold to have our competition outdoors that day, so we can do something inside," Megumin declared.
"Oh, ok…"
After a few minutes, Megumin rather artlessly asked. "So, what's your favorite kind of cake?"
"Strawberry," Yunyun said, perking up. "Maybe we could have-"
"Strawberry? That is a weak, inferior flavor. Chocolate is clearly superior!"
"I-I guess…I-I just really like strawberries. I've always imagined having strawberry cake with friends on my birthday…"
"You're a friendless loser. No one is going to make you strawberry cake for dinner."
"I-I guess…"
After asking several more questions that were barely disguised as naked probing and then brushing them off with more rude bullying, the pair arrived at the guild, where they turned in the quest to destroy the roving white fang that had slaughtered one low level adventurer group on its own, as well as the three bears that had seriously wounded a royal knight and killed his squire. The dangerous monsters came out in the winter, and most sensible adventurers stayed inside where it was warm and safe.
"I like this time of year," Yunyun remarked as they sat at a booth and waited for their food. "I-It reminds me of home."
"Yeah, this is the only time of year you see any even remotely interesting monsters around Axel," Megumin agreed. "It's too bad they don't have the Winter Raids by the demonic hordes, or the Giant Bull Ant Migration. Something actually challenging. White fangs and One-Punch bears are more summer monsters, really."
Yunyun nodded, taking a sip of the hot coco she'd ordered for both of them. "Yeah, I-I think they migrate away from the village when the really strong monsters arrive for the winter season and come here. I-I wouldn't mind seeing an actually strong monster though, l-like maybe a Bloodthirster or a Vampire Lord. It would be nice to have a challenge…"
"We fought the Winter Shogun last year," Megumin said smugly. Then her expression fell. "Kazuma was killed though."
"Oh, that's too bad. Were you OK?" Yunyun asked, putting a hand on Megumin's.
"Yeah, Aqua brought him back, that was the first time I saw him die," Megumin said, sniffing. Then her lip curled in a snarl. "That bastard still hasn't confessed to me! Ugh, I don't know how to properly motivate him!"
"N-no boy has asked me out," Yunyun said miserably.
"That's because to have a boyfriend, you have to have a friend first," Megumin huffed. Then she brightened, as Luna brought over their steaming bowls of hot vegetable soup.
"I put a little manatite in yours, Megumin," Luna said. "So you can walk home. Thanks for killing that White Fang. The farmers will sleep easier tonight."
Megumin was able to walk on her own after their hearty meal thanks to getting enough MP back. She bid Yunyun farewell, then turned and hurried back home, bidding Yunyun farewell as she went back to her boarding house. When Megumin arrived back at the mansion, she kicked the door in, sending it banging against the wall.
"Hey, how was it?" Kazuma asked, not looking up from the magazine he was reading. He and Aqua were sitting underneath their kotatsu, both of them reading, Kazuma from some trashy magazine with pictures of scantily clad succubi on it, and Aqua from a children's picture book. Normally, Megumin would have been incensed that her almost-boyfriend was reading a girly mag (especially one with girls that had much bigger boobs than her) but she had other priorities at the moment.
"GET UP! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! DARKNESS! DARKNESS GET DOWN HERE!" Megumin thundered. "WE HAVE TO ACT IMMEDIATELY!"
"Ahhhh! What's wrong!" Aqua wailed, dropping her book and jerking upright. Despite it being mid-afternoon, she was still in her pajamas with her hair loose and undone, and she looked about wildly, thinking something was on fire.
"What is it?" Darkness asked, looking in from the kitchen. Unlike the other two, she was dressed in her casual clothes, and had a bit of half melted snow in her hair, apparently having just come in from her three times daily exercise routine. "Is there a monster attack?"
"This is far more dire than that," Megumin declared. She snatched the magazine out of Kazuma's hands and began ripping it to shreds, which finally got him to stand up.
"HEY! Do you know what I had to give Dust for that?!" Kazuma demanded. "That's a precious foreign import!"
"Hmph. You wouldn't need it if you'd act properly. You live in a house with three beautiful women, and you look at pictures of half naked demons? You are a worthless layabout," Megumin huffed.
"Wait, those were demons? YOU SAID THEY WERE COSPLAYERS!" Aqua snarled, grabbing Kazuma and shaking him roughly as Megumin finished turning the magazine into confetti.
"Please, Megumin, what is the matter?" Darkness asked, coming over and looking jealously at Kazuma as Aqua continued to berate him.
"Knock it off you too! This is important! Darkness! Can you get more of that marbled red crab?" Megumin demanded.
"Well, yes, I suppose I could send for more, why?" Darkness asked, looking confused as Aqua stopped and perked up at the mention of expensive seafood.
"No reason. I have set aside some funds for emergencies. I shall give you enough for…" Megumin stopped, counting on her hands and muttering under her breath for a moment. She looked up at Kazuma and frowned. "Could Dust behave himself at a dinner party?"
"No," Kazuma said immediately.
Megumin sighed. "Then we'll have to invite Rin too. I suppose she gets along with Yunyun."
"Rin has commented that she much admires Yunyun's skill at magic," Darkness agreed. "But what does this have to do with marbled red crab?"
"Or this supposed emergency?" Kazuma asked, folding his arms over his chest and glaring at Megumin.
"It's vitally important that we have enough…hmmm, best make it twenty people, just to be safe," Megumin said, nodding in satisfaction. "We shall also require cheddar biscuits and coleslaw to go with it, along with drinks. Yunyun is fond of lemonade, because it is sour and bitter and reminds her that she is a friendless loser that no one likes."
"Huh? What does this have to do with Yunyun?" Kazuma asked, looking rather baffled.
"Yunyun's not a friendless loser, we're her friends!" Aqua said enthusiastically. "I like a big dinner party! Wow, we're really going to have twenty people? I can plan some party tricks!"
"Yes, we will require entertainment and a variety of party favors and games," Megumin said, nodding. "But that is Kazuma's job. Yunyun enjoys the weird games and activities he comes up with from Japan, which by the way, I have not been able to find on a map."
"Now wait just one minute, when did I agree to all this work!?" Kazuma demanded. "You walk in here and start barking orders like I'm your slave! Well, I expect to be compensated, and I-"
"Iris will be attending as well. I shall write her a missive informing her that her presence is required for the evening. You wouldn't miss a chance to show your 'darling little sister' some new weird games from your homeland, would you?" Megumin asked.
"I'll get started right away. I'll just go see Vanir and get him to help me with the materials," Kazuma said, saluting.
"I want to do fun party games too," Aqua pouted.
"No. Your job is to decorate," Megumin said firmly. "I require a variety of festive banners, mostly in yellow, as that is Yunyun's favorite color. Make sure they have proper red highlights though to emphasize her heritage. I shall accompany you on a shopping trip to obtain the requisite materials. We depart immediately."
"A shopping trip!?" Aqua gasped, clapping her hands in excitement. "I'll get changed!" She ran off to her room, while Kazuma shuffled off to get his coat and put on his shoes.
"Is it Yunyun's birthday?" Darkness asked, smiling at Megumin. "Are we throwing her a surprise party since you're her best friend?"
"NO!" Megumin snapped, sticking her finger in Darkness's face and making the taller woman flinch back. "I am NOT Yunyun's friend, and especially not her best friend! Nor is she mine! And it is CERTAINLY not her birthday, because Yunyun's birthday is on a Leap Year and thus she will HAVE no birthday this year. If anything, this is her UN-birthday. And she is only coming because…um, er…BECAUSE I WANTED TO EAT MARBLED RED CRAB AND SHOW HER I HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN SHE DOES!"
Darkness was fighting back a smile during the whole tirade, but she nodded at the end. "I see. Well, since it's not Yunyun's birthday, should I make sure not to acquire a present for her?"
"Yes. Do not under any circumstances get Yunyun a present," Megumin huffed. She paused, then added, "She uses Clarine's tailoring shop, so she'd have Yunyun's measurements. She could use a proper winter jacket. Her oversized milk jugs were half frostbitten by the time we got back today."
"I see. Well, I'll make sure not to go visit Clarine and order her a new jacket. She'd look nice with a white fur trim on a yellow jacket, don't you think?"
"No, she's always ugly, just like you because of those oversized udders you call breasts," Megumin huffed, turning away. "KAZUMA! KAZUMA!"
"Yeah, it's me, what?!"
"Don't buy Yunyun's present at Wiz's shop. She absolutely would hate a new weird magic item."
"Fine, I wasn't planning on it."
"Kazuma, a word," Darkness said, hurrying over and holding a whispered conversation with Kazuma.
"Oh, well, how was I supposed to know it was her birthday?" Kazuma said after Darkness had hastily explained the situation.
"IT ISN'T! AND MAKE SURE YOU DO A GOOD JOB WRAPPING HER PRESENT YOU STUPID NEET, OR BETTER YET HAVE AQUA DO IT BECAUSE YOURS IS ALWAYS MESSY!"
"Sheesh, fine. I hate wrapping presents anyway," Kazuma grumbled, putting on his cloak and heading off into the cold.
Megumin hastily wrote several letters to members of the Crimson Demon Village, a few people she knew around Axel, and a missive to the Royal Palace in Belzerg City. Chomusuke helpfully breathed fire onto the sealing wax for Megumin, and she stamped each of the letters with the seal then tied them in a bundle, finishing just as Aqua came down in her tall white hat and winter coat.
"I'm ready to go shopping! I have a list of things we'll need!" Aqua said excitedly. "I heard it was Yunyun's birthday from all the yelling, so-"
"IT IS NOT YUNYUN'S BIRTHDAY!" Megumin ranted. "You are under no circumstances to make a banner that says Happy Birthday Yunyun, nor decorate the house for a birthday celebration!"
Aqua's brow furrowed, and she looked utterly perplexed. "Huh? But I thought-"
"Aqua, one moment," Darkness said. Megumin went to where she couldn't hear and pretended to examine the clock for a moment while Darkness explained things to Aqua.
"But, if it's a surprise to Megumin, why is she planning it?" Aqua asked at the end.
"She's a teenager. They're just like that," Darkness told Aqua, despite the fact that she was 19 herself and thus in no position to comment on such things in Megumin's opinion.
"Are we going or not?" Megumin demanded, turning around and glaring at Aqua.
Aqua seemed confused, until Darkness gave her a little push. "Just get the things Megumin tells you to, Aqua."
"Oh, alright! I already spent my allowance from Kazuma for the week though…"
"That's OK, I broke into his room and stole your portion of our last quest reward earlier. I was going to spend it on a new robe but this is an emergency," Megumin explained as she and Aqua walked back towards town.
After dropping off the letters at the post office and paying the expedited fee for same day teleportation post (which she got a discount on when she claimed that it was a 'matter of national security that required the immediate attention of both the royal palace and the chief of the Crimson Demon Clan') Megumin and Aqua spent a few hours buying some fabric, paint, paper, and other various knickknacks Aqua would need to make the banners and party favors. They also bought some tasteful jewelry that Megumin refused to let Aqua see, before Megumin bullied a very confused Aqua into buying a large stuffed bear.
"But why can't I keep Sir Bearington?" Aqua whined as they walked through a back alley in the shadier party of Axel, the massive stuffed bear being hauled by Aqua through the half frozen sludge of the churned street.
"Because you're not going to give it to Yunyun for her birthday!" Megumin snapped.
"Well if I'm not giving it to her then I should get to keep it," Aqua grumbled as they made their way into a familiar shop.
As soon as they were inside, Aqua set down Sir Bearington and shouted, "WIZ I'M COLD I WANT TEA!"
"Oh, hello you two!" Wiz said, bustling over and smiling brightly. "Are you looking for Kazuma? He's out back with Vanir working on a little project the two of them brewed up."
"No, I need you," Megumin declared. "Though we're leaving these bags for Kazuma to carry back to the mansion when he's done, they're too heavy."
"I want to keep Sir Bearington though!" Aqua wailed, hugging the overstuffed toy and sniffling.
"HE'S NOT FOR YOU, YOU PICKED IT OUT BECAUSE YOU SAID YUNYUN WOULD LIKE IT"! Megumin raged, smacking Aqua on the arm and making her drop the giant bear.
"But you said I can't give it to Yunyun because it isn't her birthday!" Aqua cried, her tears splattering onto Wiz.
"EEEEEEE!" Wiz screamed, jerking away as her skin hissed and steamed at the contact from the holy water.
Aqua immediately stopped, looking sorry. "Oh, um…I didn't mean to…even if you are a lich…"
"You just stay here," Megumin ordered, dragging Wiz away. "I have something for her to do. I'll be back with the tea."
"Megumin, what's all this about it not being Yunyun's birthday?" Wiz asked, gasping for breath as she was hauled away.
"Look, Yunyun's birthday is on February 29th," Megumin explained.
Wiz immediately brightened, despite still being in obvious pain. "Oh! It's the 26th! That means we should celebrate her birthday on the 28th, since it's not a leap year. Unless she'd rather have a party on March 1st?"
"No! She doesn't get to have a birthday because she's a friendless loser!" Megumin declared, stamping her foot. "This is COMPLETELY unrelated!"
"Oh…" Wiz blinked, looking as baffled as her equally dimwitted mortal enemy/best friend Aqua.
"Yunyun likes Strawberry cake," Megumin explained. "A large one. And not a cake that is strawberry flavored! Yunyun says she likes strawberry cake, but I've seen her pick desserts. What she really wants is a large yellow cake, with strawberries and whipped cream for frosting. Make it multilayered, and decorate it nicely. She really likes it when the food is aesthetic and pleasing to the eye as well as the tongue."
"Oh! I see…but why are you telling me this?" Wiz asked, rubbing her hand, which still had angry red marks from where Aqua's tears had fallen.
"Ugh, you can't cook like that." Megumin stuck her head out the back of the shop, where she spied Kazuma and Vanir constructing some sort of wooden frame that had holes cut into part of it and "skeeball" stenciled on the upper part. "KAZUMA! Get in here! I need you."
"I mean I'm down for a quickie but we're sort of in the middle of something," Kazuma said, setting down his hammer and saw.
"Not like that, you pervert! Besides, I told you I'm not sleeping with you until you PROPERLY confess to me!"
"Man defeats the Devil King and all he gets is a kiss, not even a handjob" Kazuma grumbled, stomping over. "What?"
"Wiz, drain him real quick so you're healthy," Megumin ordered. "And we would have gone all the way if you didn't chicken out again."
"I had JUST DIED! And what's this about- oh. Did Aqua cry on you again, Wiz? Sheesh, she really should have just gone back to heaven."
"She says she still has vacation days," Wiz sniffled. She hesitantly took Kazuma's hand. "You don't mind?"
"Sure, I may as well let one woman suck me off if the other won't," Kazuma deadpanned, dodging Megumin's slap with a lazy lean to the side.
"Pervert. Just do it fast Wiz, you've got a lot of baking to do," Megumin ordered.
After Wiz had drained enough life out of Kazuma that her hand healed, Megumin gave her not-a-boyfriend a quick kiss. "Thanks, love you. Now hurry up with those party games, they have to be ready by the day after tomorrow."
"Sheesh, fine. You'd think I'd get more respect around here," Kazuma said, sighing and pinching Megumin's rear end.
She let him. Blushing, she hoped Kazuma didn't notice she rather liked it when he was more assertive with her. Really, if he'd just sneak into her room one night…but not tonight. Megumin had a lot of work to do.
After explaining to Wiz again that she was NOT baking a cake for Yunyun's birthday party, but because Megumin had simply decided that she wanted to have a huge cake for the dinner party she was randomly throwing for all of HER friends (not Yunyun's) and that under no circumstances was the cake to have "Happy 15th Birthday Yunyun'' written on it OR have exactly fifteen candles on it, Megumin departed. It had taken much longer to convince Wiz exactly how to make the cake for Yunyun, and get her to understand exactly how the cake should look.
But she'd gotten it in the end, so maybe Wiz actually was smarter than Aqua. She even seemed to understand she wasn't to bake a special set of her almond roca that Yunyun loved so much as a present. Because that would be dumb, as it wasn't Yunyun's birthday and no one was going to get her any presents.
It was getting late at that point, so Megumin went home and had a quick dinner, before staying up late and wrapping the jewelry she had gotten. The matching friendship bracelets were obviously for herself, but she felt like making sure the wrapping was especially nice and crisp, and the bow well tied. She definitely didn't fret over the card she tucked into the box, because she didn't make one, because that was the sort of thing you'd do for a friend on their birthday and none of those were happening any time soon.
The next day, Megumin went around Axel and delivered what definitely wasn't a party invitation to Dust and Rin. Dust seemed utterly confused by the concept, but Rin laughed and accepted hers. "We'll be there! And we will both make sure not to get Yunyun a present, or tell her about the surprise party you aren't having."
"Good, I'm glad someone finally understands," Megumin grumbled. "See you tomorrow afternoon then."
"What, why?" Dust asked, confused. "She just said NOT to come to her house tomorrow!"
"You just don't understand women, Dust," Rin sighed. "Now come on. We'll get Faitifore a new dress to wear to the party and pick out a present."
"But you two just spent ten minutes telling me there ISN'T going to be a party!" Dust cried, throwing his hands up in frustration. "So why do we need to get my dragon a new dress!?"
"Because she's basically our daughter and she'd look adorable in a new dress, don't you think?"
"I mean sure, but why do we have to do it now?" Dust grumbled. "I was going to go to the bar and see if there was a game going on…wait, did you say 'our' daughter?"
"Yes. I've decided that girl needs a good mother, so I expect you to propose in the next month or so. Make sure it's a surprise, I've left a note on the ring you should get at the jeweler," Rin informed Dust as she took his arm and let him away.
"I just don't understand women," Dust sobbed. Then he perked up. "Wait, if we're getting married, does that mean-"
Megumin hurried off before she could hear the rest of the conversation. Rin was a nice girl, but Megumin truly could not understand her taste in men. How could a nice girl like Rin fall for such an obvious buffoon and hopeless lech like Dust? There was just no explaining some girl's taste in men, Megumin supposed.