2Griffin Commander Slade McMillan leaned back on his black leather chair, a tired frown on his aging rough face. Every so often he would spend some quiet time in his decorated office, occasionally glancing at the awards and certificates that were carefully hung in glass cases on the dull red walls.
The round dull light on the ceiling shed it's soft glow upon the room, giving the usual crisp and sharpness of everything a much needed dullness and a subdued glow. The large oak desk that he sat at was once pristine and polished had become rough with constant use, and many scratches and nicks gave it a long history that might have been interesting to anyone willing to ask about it. However, there was nobody who felt such questions worthwhile given where it was.
Slade closed his eyes, leaning his head back on the reclining headrest and let out a long sigh. If this were ten years ago, he might have lit a cigar, or if he was desperate drank some whiskey. However, he was reaching fifty this year, and it just wasn't worth it to him anymore. Relying on substances just made his emotions sour more, and only added to his stress once the buzz was over.
Instead, he just looked up at the ceiling in a silence that would envelop him in a momentary peace. A peace where he could lose himself in beautiful serenity far beyond the world that would interfere with the silence. It was one of the few times he could leave this troubled world behind, if only for a moment.
His eyes drifted across the ceiling down to the desk in front of him and he was pulled away from the calm oblivion of his mind back to the harsh world that he inhabited. On his desk, aside from the various books and monitor was a report from the field that he had read several times now. The contents were inconsequential to why he read them. It was who wrote them that mattered to him.
Whenever he felt down and blue, he would think of the one person who he cared for more than anyone else. His wife Nadya Shatunova. She was a beautiful woman who had a beautiful body and soul. A one in a million woman who made him smile even in the longest and darkest of nights. Looking at the picture on the small cherry wood frame on his desk, he smiled as a small tear rolled down his rough cheek and got lost in the gray stubble on his chin.
It was Nadya and him standing in front of the Rockefeller ice rink at night. Her long white hair almost glowing in the winter night, as her pure smile lit up the fires in his heart. A memory from long ago that tugged at his heart.
World War Three had taken this angel sent by God from him. It was disastrous to him, yet he could do nothing but curse the world for it's cruelty. When he took another contract, this time from Griffin and Kryuger, he thought it could help him move on, but then he met someone who brought it all back to him, and he found himself relapsing into places where he should not let himself go.
AN-94. A doll utilized for war, yet almost the spitting image of his wife, albeit much younger. It brought up complex feelings in him. Feelings that he would rather not have to confront. All these years he thought that he wouldn't have to touch the loss, the pain deep in the ironclad prison in the deepest recesses of his heart.
Yet she tore those prison walls down, and left him bare. It wasn't a violent destruction. No, it was a soft whisper, and it all fell apart. There was no battle fought, no clamor of trumpets and drums. It was a soft descent into oblivion. It was in the simple softness in her gaze. The warmth she showed for those she was sworn to protect. The insecurity that plagued both of their hearts.
Reaching for the phone on his desk next to the monitor, he phoned the third dormitory. It rang several times before someone picked it up.
"Hello Commander. It's AN-94, how can I assist you?" The soft and warm voice that sounded nigh indistinguishable from Nadya's greeted him.
His heart skipped a beat, and the void in his heart melted just a bit. He swallowed the lump in his throat brought out by memories of happiness long passed.
"Yes, hello Na, uh I mean AN-94. Could you come to my office for just a moment? I need to review the report you sent to me. There are some things I don't understand" Slade finished, suppressing the sob that almost threatened to interrupt his words.
"Are you alright Commander? You sound unwell" AN-94 responded quickly, worry in her voice.
Silence.
For just a moment there was a silence like that in front of God, and even though she was a doll, AN-94 could almost understand how her Commander Slade McMillan felt. It wasn't the first time that he had called her at a time of weakness.
"I will come immediately Commander. Please wait for me" She said softly after a few moments of no response. It was in times like this that she felt that the Commander had much more to say, and sometimes she would catch the man looking at her with that faraway gaze.
She was familiar with that look. The look one would make at seeing someone who was gone. She had seen it in the eyes of the civilians she occasionally rescued. It was a look of loss, and a sublime anguish that rarely surfaced.
Never once had the Commander treated her oddly or strangely, but sometimes he would overlook the minor faults she exhibited, and would on even rarer occasions tell her a story of his past that would come up in the moment.
Fifteen minutes later Slade heard a knock at his door.
"It's me Commander" The slightly timid and hesitant voice of AN-94 was muffled by the thick wood door, but he heard it. There was noway he couldn't hear it. It was a voice that no matter what, it would sound like an angel.
Slade got up from his seat and walked across the office, his heart louder than his footsteps.
Thump thump thump thump.
Every step he took was a step toward the past, the joy, the pain.
Stopping at the door, he stood silently before taking a deep breath.
Inhale.
Thump thump.
Exhale.
Thump thump.
The beat of his heart was like a drum that beat to the tension in his mind.
"Come in. Make yourself at home" Slade greeted the doll softly as he opened his office door, his gravely voice at a unnaturally weak state. Motioning to the black leather couch across from his desk next to a red cone lamp that was slightly taller than the couch arms.
"Thank you Commander. I hope that I am not disturbing your work" the doll said, a sincerity in her voice as she sat down gently on the couch.
Despite the nature of dolls, and the fact that she could twist his head off as easy as tearing paper, she had a certain softness. A certain vulnerability that Slade couldn't help but want to care for.
Just like Nadya.
Damnit, stop thinking about Nadya, Slade cursed himself, yet whenever he looked at the doll, all he could see was Nadya. It was a feeling that weighed his heart down like a stone in a tumultuous ocean.
"Nadya" Slade whispered then shook his head to clear the memories.
All the while, the doll sat silently across from him, a concerned look on her face.
Clearing his throat, Slade spoke up.
"I am sorry for interrupting your leisure time, but I do want to talk with you" Slade said, giving a professional smile before it turned into a frown as his tumultuous thoughts resurfaced.
"Do not worry Commander. My time is your time" AN-94 said, giving him a reassuring smile.
"Thank you. I truly mean that. I have something I've been meaning to tell you for a while, but I just never got around to it, and now is the right time to say it" Slade informed the woman across from him who simply nodded in affirmation.
Getting up and taking the small framed picture on his desk and handing it to the doll, he continued his words.
"That was my wife Nadya. I lost her in World War Three. Since then my life has never been the same. Do you understand what I am saying?" Slade asked AN-94.
"I always wondered why you gave me such leniency. Now it all makes sense. When you see me, you also see her" AN-94 connected the dots, realizing the importance of his words.
"Yes, but I wouldn't put any expectations on you. I just can't let go, no matter how hard I try. So please bear with me if I ever feel the need to share my worries with you. Though don't feel pressure from me. She's gone, and I'm not trying to replace her with you. It's just whenever I look at you, I can't help but look back to when this was all in the distant future" Slade explained wistfully.
AN-94 placed the picture gently down on the desk and walked over to Slade.
"I know. I would never fill her boots. It would be disrespectful to her memory, but I will do my best to share your burden. So know this, Commander, you can rely on me" She said with a soft caring tone and brought Slade into a gentle but firm hug.
Slade stood shocked for a moment before hugging her tightly back.
"Thank you. I needed this" he said, a genuine smile of relief crossing his usually stern face.
The two remained like that for what seemed forever, and just for that single moment in time, Slade truly felt like things would be allright.