It was a normal night in Fuyuki. Everything was peaceful.

The masses were sleeping. Traffic was nonexistent. Rape worms awoke and the death match over a shiny cup was taking place.

Absolutely peaceful…

… Anyways, allow me to direct your attention towards the man called Lancer trying to shove his Gaé bulge into a redhead schoolboy. Pay close attention to this man now and watch what he does.

"Screw this!" The red-haired boy who's name is Shirou said, injured and sitting on the ground in his shed, Mr. Gaé Bulge watching him. "My life was spared. My life was saved, so I'm not going to die that easily! I have to live and fulfill my obligations, and I can't do that if I'm dead. I'm not gonna be killed in a place like this for no reason by a guy like you, who kills people like nothing!"

Notice what Lancer did? That's right, absolutely nothing! Unlike in canon where he tries to actually kill Shirou during this part, which in short means you can place all your thanks on him for this shit.

"Hey, don't blame me for this crap!"

Shut the fuck up Lancer, you're not allowed to break the fourth wall! What do you think this is, Carnival Phantasm?

"Who are you talking to?" Shirou asked the Lancer. That doesn't matter though; something Shirou sensed and immediately decided he was okay with because I wrote it as so.

What does matter though is that a summoning circle within a different part of the shed lit up. Under normal circumstances the sheathe inside of Shirou would have been a catalyst which would have summoned a Saber class Servant who would have quite possibly been his lover. However, in this timeline, there was another far more powerful catalyst within the shed that Shirou had brought in the night before.

An orange.

A light illuminated the shed before a powerful, awe-inspiring presence descended upon the two. Lancer immediately tensed up and looked to the side where a silhouette stood.

"The seventh Servant?!" He exclaimed in shock before dying to a tendril with multiple eyes and fang-filled mouths materializing out of thin air and smashed him into paste. He had served his purpose as the butt of & source of like three bad jokes and his only possible role now was to die horribly.

Truly, being Lancer was nothing but pain.

Anyways, about the new Servant.

"I ask of you," said the orange man in the black business suit, "are you my Master?"

"Who are you?" Shirou asked, awestruck.

"I'm the avatar of the Blind Idiot God," the man responded. "Foreigner Servant, Donald Trump."

"Servant?" Shirou asked, not knowing what the stranger meant by that. Trump, being the avatar and embodiment of the Blind Idiot, immediately understood and related to his fellow blind idiot. He decided, as an orange man, it was his job to enlighten the boy with the apple-colored hair.

"Servants are dead people summoned by magic people to fight for an omnipotent wish-granting relic," Trump revealed. "But it's all fake news: it's not really omnipotent and there's a super duper mud monster in there. Really nasty piece of work."

"Trump-sama," Shirou said, his eyes widening "does that mean you're dead?"

"No," Orange said, putting Apple's worries to rest. "I'm less the real Donald Trump and more the personification of the concept of Donald Trump about two decades from now. Prior to my summoning, it's only his presidential career that was dead." Trump straightened. "Now if you'll excuse me, there is something I need to go do. I can sense a Chinese presence nearby."

Meanwhile outside of Shirou's house, EMIYA felt a shiver go down his spine as he felt a dangerous presence. And for the strangest reason, he couldn't help but feel like it was because of the two swords he had projected, Kanshou and Bakuya. Weird.

"I had a trade agreement with China you know," a male voice spoke out loud. EMIYA and his Master Rin Tohsaka turned to see a strange orange man with blonde hair and a business suit standing on top of a light pole. "It didn't turn out so well."

"Who are you?" Rin asked, readying to throw a gemstone at the almighty God-Emperor Trump.

"Servant Foreigner."

"You're a Foreigner?" EMIYA asked, confused. He felt like he should know the term. But seeing as how this version of him hadn't been summoned as a SR within another timeline's gacha, he would continue to remain unenlightened.

"Don't talk to me about foreigners. I know all about foreigners."

"But you just said you're a Foreigner," Rin pointed out.

"I may be a Foreigner but I'm not a foreigner," Trump said, growing heated as he thought about the times prior to his presidency when there had been no barriers to keep foreigners outside of his country. "Except for in this case since I'm from a foreign country."

Trump, sensing that the author had grown tired of this joke, unleashed the same tendrils that had killed Lancer upon the Archer and Rin. Archer died almost immediately, dropping Kanshou and Bakuya as he did so. Rin, meanwhile, was dragged through the portal that the tendrils appeared from with said portal closing behind her. Why? You know why.

The Japanese schoolgirl and tentacles. A tale as old as time.

Shirou rushed through the gate, having finally caught up to Trump and not witnessing Trump's defeat of Actually Satan. "Mr. Trump, where are you going?"

Trump smiled a Trumpish smile. "I'm heading out to deal with the Grail War kid. I'll be back before morning."

"But Mr. Trump," Shirou protested. Trump shushed him.

"Don't kid," Trump promised. "I promise, I'm going to be a Servant that you'll be proud of. A good Servant. A great Servant. Some might even call me one of the most Servants of all time."

"Trump-sama," Shirou said in awe. Truly Trump-sama was a god among men! No… he was more than that! He was a blind idiot god among men!

"Now then, if you'll excuse me," Trump said, brushing off some dust that he had gotten off his shirt when Rin was getting dragged away to be tentacled "I need to go find a tower to reside in."

Trump began walking away, before noticing Kanshou and Bakuya still on the ground. He picked them up, giving them a once over. 'I'll keep these and then sell them back to China for two hundred billion dollars.'

With a foolproof financial plan now laid before him, Trump began his search for a tower. He would search far and wide across Fuyuki for a tower. However, it was not to be: all he found were more Master-Servant pairs that he dealt with in one of two ways: kill them or tentacle them.

Assassin? Dead. Caster? Tentacled. Caster's Master? Killed before he could see Caster getting tentacled because NTR is a shit fetish.

You can't NTR a widow away from a dead husband. Truly flawless logic. But I'm not The Dark Wolf Shiro so enough about NTR. We need to address the other Servants and Masters.

The bloodthirsty albino loli and her two battle maids? All probably ahegaoing down in Tentacle Town by now. Berserker? Bodied by the Foreigner's class advantage against Berserkers. The loli had asked how it was possible that Trump could have defeated Heracles. His answer?

"I know more about Berserkers than you do. They're extremely expensive, kill all the other Servants, they're very difficult, got a lot of problems-"

She didn't hear any more than that because the portal she had been dragged through closed after that. Which is good because otherwise I'd have to put effort into this shitpost by actually watching the speeches that this shit is based on in their entirety instead of just watching funny Trump compilations on YouTube.

Anyways, without his Master there to support his mana cost, Berserker faded away extremely quickly. Coincidentally, the noise of his rampage attracted the attention of Rider and her Master… well, her fake Master. Thanks to Trump's skill, Detection of Fake News, he immediately pieced together that Rider's real Master was somewhere else. After killing Shinji and doing his schtick with Rider, he reached through time and space to grab Rider's real Master, Sakura.

Sakura gave an exasperated sigh at the sight of the tendrils materializing out of thin air and reaching towards her: just another Tuesday night for her.

Trump searched and searched. He scoured high and low across the city, taking a few minutes to admire a very nice boat but never finding the tower he so very much wanted. Defeatedly, the Blind Idiot President returned to Shirou's home, his head hung in defeat.

"Trump-sama-kun!" Shirou cried out in joy, happy with his Servant's safe return. "You're back!"

"Indeed I am Master," Trump sighed, tired from his long night. "Unfortunately I wasn't able to accomplish anything last night."

And he was right. Absolutely nothing was accomplished last night. Something I'm sure all of the opposing Masters and Servants would agree with-

*CRASH*

One of the room's walls broke, revealing the pair of Gilgamesh and Kirei Kotomine standing dramatically as the dust settled. "Mongrels!" Gilgamesh said, pointing at Shirou and Trump. The priest smiled. "Yorokobe shounen," he said to Shirou.

This was truly the peak of character development right here.

Anyways, the author got bored of the current location and changed the set to the Greater Grail. How had it manifested? Magic, that's how. Or was it Magecraft? Regardless, it didn't matter and the readers would accept it like how Shirou accepted the fact that they had instantaneously changed locations.

"Mongrel!" Gilgamesh said, thinking that this set change was the doing of the orange man and not possessing Shirou's ability to accept shit the author made up on the fly. The shimmering portals of the Gates of Babylon opened around him. "Mongrel mongrel mongrel!"

Yes, he was talking like a Pokémon. That's just something that the Gilgamesh of this timeline does.

It's totally in character for him. Shut up.

"I can't make out anything you're trying to say," Trump admitted, his hands in his pockets, "and I say this as someone who had to take part in a presidential debate with Joe Biden."

"Mongrel!" Gilgamesh shouted, shooting swords at Tirou and Shrump. Shrump ignored this as his tendrils appeared on their own, lashed out and defended both him and his Master, pulling out his phone to tweet. This incensed the golden boi, who increased the rate of fire of the Gates of Babylon, unaware of Kirei pulling out his own phone out and playing Fate/Grand Order. From there he rolled a x10 gacha, pulling one Origin Bullet, four Black Keys and five Extremely Spicy Mapo Tofus. A shiver traveled down his spine as he orgasmed.

"I just realized that you're from the Middle East," Trump said, his eyes widening. "As a Middle Easterner taking hostile action towards the president of the United States, do you know what that means?"

"Mongrel?" Gilgamesh asked.

"That makes you a terrorist!" Trump stated, ignorant to or ignoring the fact that A: Gilgamesh existed long before the modern concept of terrorism did, B: they were literally in the magical equivalent of the Hunger Games which made any sort of previous affiliations obsolete and C: he wasn't in fact the president of the United States yet (chronologically anyways). "Which means that I must remove you from my country immediately!" Yes, he did in fact forget that this was Japan and not America.

Knowing that his (not really) country was in danger, Donald quickly came to a conclusion: he needed to use it.

His Trump card.

"I am the core of my orange," Trump began to chant. Sensing his impending doom, Gilgamesh began to frantically fire even more weapons from the Gates of Babylon, even as Trump made Gilgamesh pay for the mana cost of what he was about to do. Kirei's eyes fluttered as he orgasmed again, having watched the scene where Rasputin kills Leonardo da Vinci and oblivious to what was going on around him. "Unknowable is my body and incomprehensible is my true form. I have created over a thousand tweets. Unknown to failure, nor known to votes. I have withstood pain to try and get re-elected. Yet these tiny hands still gesture for no reason."

"MONGREL!" Gilgamesh desperately shouted, only now realizing that he should've used Ea the moment he caught sight of the God Emperor. Alas, it was too late for him now as Trump activated his Noble Phantasm.

"Trump Wall: Make the Grail Wars Great Again!" Trump shouted, targeting not just Gilgamesh but also Kirei and Angra Mainyu within the Holy Grail. As light and wall washed over them, Kirei rolled one more x10 gacha, still unaware of his encroaching death. He ended up pulling Amour on as his first roll.

"NOOOOOOOO!" were the last words Kirei screamed in horror before he, Gilgamesh and Angra Mainyu were deported from the living world.

Trump crossed his arms, a Trumpiphant smile on his face.

"Trump-sama-kun-senpai!" Shirou said, his eyes wide in wonderment. "That was amazing!"

"If you think that's amazing, wait until I show you what else I can do," Trump said, begin the walk back to Shirou's house from wherever they were. "Stick with me kid and I'll show you how to become the best at everything ever made ever."

Shirou nodded, basking in the glorious presence of the Blind Idiot as they wandered through the streets of Fuyuki back to his house. However, their journey would be briefly interrupted by a jogger coming around the corner and accidentally bumping into Trump. Immediately, Shirou felt the president's powerful aura weaken immensely upon their impact.

"Who are you?" Trump asked, grasping his chest as pain spread throughout his body.

"Oh, nobody really," said the jogger with a shrug as he resumed his jog. "Just your average Joe."

Trump's eyes widened as the jogger disappeared around another corner. He stood deathly still and silent for a moment before he fell to his knees, coughing up copious amounts of blood. As the conceptual embodiment of Trump's presidential career, he had once again been bested by a Joe.

"TRUMP-SAMA!" Shirou cried out, tears falling from his face as he knelt before the eldritch president. Trump placed a hand on his shoulder, knowing this was the end.

"Hey kid," he managed to cough out, blood spilling passed his lips. "You wanted to be a hero, right?" Shirou nodded, sniffling and sobbing as he bore witness to the death of the Servant whom he hadn't even had for a full day. "Then I need you to do something to me… go to America… gain citizenship there… wait for the living me run for president… and then vote for me… can you do that?"

"I will Trump-sama-kun-senpai-chan!" Shirou promised the dying Servant, tears rolling down his eyes. "I will!"

Trump closed his eyes, at peace now that he had secured himself a loyal voter. "Then I… leave it… to you…" With his final words said, the Blind Idiot God-Emperor-President faded from this world, dissolving into spiritrons as he returned to the Throne of Heroes.

All that remained of him was a blonde wig.

A blonde wig and an orange.


Everybody's lives changed from that night on.

Shirou would go on to move to America, gain citizenship and become a Democrat despite voting for Trump in the presidential elections. He would somehow go on to meet Caren Hortensia, marry her and have twelve children who would all grow up to become eldritch cultists. Those children would go on the become cultists of the Yellow King before being murdered by an old man in a Hawaiian shirt looking for his lawn gnomes.

The souls of Cú Chulainn, Donald Trump, EMIYA, Heracles and Sasaki Kojirou would sit in the Greater Grail, which had been completely forgotten about. They would remain there for seven years before a four year old child stumbled upon it and wished for a puppy. Because of not having the two more souls needed to properly grant someone's wish, the grail instead summoned something akin to a Demodog from Stranger Things. Said Demodog proceeded to eat the kid and then die itself from being on an alien planet with an inhospitable atmosphere for it's species.

Cú Chulainn would go on to develop an irrational fear of thrusting his Gaé bulge into inexperienced schoolboys. He's currently attending therapy within the Throne of Heroes.

EMIYA, after being released from the Holy Grail, would request for Alaya to remove his memories of this particular Holy Grail War. That request was granted.

Heracles forgot everything that happened and took a nap.

Sasaki Kojirou began developing a new technique to deal with eldritch tentacles in the future. He will make his second Servant debut once he has mastered the Infinite Tentacle Reversal.

Illyasviel von Einzbern, Leysritt, Medea, Medusa, Rin Tohsaka, Sakura Matou and Sella are still missing. It is presumed they are still being molested by alien tentacles to this day.

Zouken Matou (who wasn't featured in this story) would do an IRL reenactment of that scene from the Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch of the West melts because of Sakura being transported to another dimension.

Taiga Fujimura (who also wasn't featured in this story) would go on to become a Yakuza boss before visiting Shirou in the states and accidentally caught him trying to summon Azathoth. She shrugged it off as younger brother shenanigans and took a nap.

The author would go on to get several angry PMs and reviews from Internet strangers. He would proceed to give himself a pat on the back for creating something which could elicit such strong reactions in people and aspire to make something eliciting even stronger reactions next year.

As for Donald Trump after being released from the Grail...


Gudako was getting desperate. The One Radiance Thing had just summoned itself as the Grand Foreigner and was frankly kicking Chaldea's ass right now. As Mash, her new Alter Ego Rasputin and her other still-active Alter Ego Meltryllis all desperately tried to keep it's attention, she attempted to use her small loan of a million Saint Quartz to summon a new Servant; to summon anybody, anything who could help turn the tides right now.

The familiar light blinded her (and consumed all of her Saint Quartz) before residing, showing a man wearing a black business suit with orange skin, blonde hair, glowing white eyes and lightning crackling around him as he floated in the air, several eldritch tendrils lashing out around him. Gudako's mouth fell, awestruck.

"Who are you?" she asked, immediately knowing that this man was the key to victory against the Ultimate One.

"Don't worry about it kid," the man told her before turning his gaze to ORT. His eyes searched the extraterrestrial's form for immigration papers and, upon seeing none, concluded that this being must be an illegal alien. "So you think that you're the Grand Foreigner, hm?"

ORT turned it's attention towards the man, posing as the two began to recreate the JoJo walk meme. ORT gave a series of alien noises in response to the mysterious new stranger.

"My name? You don't need to worry about it." Trump began walking forwards. "All that you need to know is that I'm here to make Mictlan great again."


Author's Afterword

I cackled like a madman the entire time while writing this. I don't care if this offends anyone, I thought it was hilarious. That's probably the sleep deprivation talking but I don't care about that either.

Oh, before I forget, imagine that Trump's voice in this isn't his actual voice but the voice of Trump from Suction Cup Man 2: The Suck for America.