1Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or its characters.
"Knock-knock, Evans."
"Go away, Potter."
"Knock-knock, Evans."
"…Who's there?"
"Lion."
"Lion who?"
"I'm not lion about how much I love you."
"Ugh, are all Gryffindors like this? I feel like I should've been sorted into Ravenclaw."
"Okay, knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting raven."
"Interrupting raven wh—"
"CAAAAAW!"
"…"
"…"
"You would certainly not fit in with the Ravenclaw crowd."
"That's fine, dear Evans, I would much rather be a lion than a raven anyway."
"Actually, I've been reading up on the houses in Hogwarts: A History and Ravenclaw's animal is the eagle."
"Really?"
"Yup."
"Huh."
"Shouldn't you know this already? Weren't you born and raised in the wizarding world?"
"I was, but that doesn't mean I know everything about the magical community."
"It's one of only four animals in the only school that you would attend. You should definitely know this."
"That's like… that's like saying that since you're a muggleborn raised in the muggle world, you should know who the prime minister was in 1960."
"That is literally the most basic thing you could ask me."
"I don't hear an answer."
"Fine, Harold Macmillan."
"Alright, who came after that?"
"Alec Douglas-Home."
"After that!"
"Harold Wilson."
"Harry again? Good for him!"
"It's a different Harry—I mean Harold—dumbass."
"I am neither dumb nor ass… just like good ol' Harry who was prime minister of all the muggle world twice."
"It's just the United Kingdom and he wasn't prime minister twice! Potter, have you ever read the news? Do you even know who the prime minister is right now?"
"Harry?"
"No!"
"Damn, he would have gotten my vote."
"…You're a dumbass."
"What? He has a nice name. I'm sure his policies or whatever were good too."
"Dumbass."
"I still don't get why Ravenclaw's animal is an eagle! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"I've heard dumber."
"I know, I know. My jokes."
"Wow, you figured it out. There might be hope for you over with the eagles."
"I'd never leave you alone to the lions, Evans."
"Knock-knock, Evans."
"Who's there?"
"Honeydew."
"Honeydew who?"
"Honeydew you know how beautiful you are?"
"Eh, that was pretty boring."
"Huh?"
"I'm just saying… it felt a little cliché, overdone, uninspired, bor—"
"Alright, alright, I get it, Evans…"
"Try again next time, Potter!"
"You know, I feel like there's a Gryffin-door joke somewhere that I'm missing."
"You're missing a lot of things, Potter. Mostly in the brain area."
"Ouch, that's a bit much, Evans."
"Your mom's a bit much."
"Your mom jokes? Ah, I see you're a woman of fine tastes."
"Unlike your mom."
"Oi!"
"Knock-knock, Evans."
"Who's there?"
"Leaf."
"Leaf who?"
"I'll never leaf you."
"Potter, I'm trying to listen to Professor Sprout, so stop waving a damn plant in my face."
"Plants aren't the only thing that sprout when I look at you."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Uhh…"
"Was that a sex joke?"
"Ehm…"
"Professor! Potter's making sexual innuendos using your name!"
"I'll have you know, I was actually talking about my love for you, Evans! It sprouts up and grows whenever I see you. You water my plants metaphorically! You are the sunshine that nourishes my leaves."
"You're digging yourself into a deeper hole, Potter Plant."
"As long as the hole is dug next to yours."
"Oh, so now you want to be near my hole?"
"I never said that! At least not like that! And stop laughing at me. Sprout gave me a week's worth of detention and a speech about sexual boundaries. Do you know how traumatizing it is to hear about controlling your sexual urges from a 200 year old woman?"
"She's not even 200, but even so, 200 year old women are allowed to have sexual urges too! Don't be ageist."
"I do not want to think about Professor Sprout getting it on, Evans. Thank you very much."
"I bet that she and Flitwick really like to—"
"La-la-la-la-la!"
"Knock-knock, Potter."
"I feel like this is a trap."
"Knock-knoooock, Potter."
"...who's there?"
"Professor Sprout doing the nasty."
"That's not even how knock-knock jokes work!"
"Well, you didn't say 'Professor Sprout doing the nasty who' or should I say… with who?"
"And I used to think you were an innocent soul."
"Oh, please."
"Knock-knock, Lily dear."
"Who's there?"
"Reindeer."
"Reindeer who?"
"I'll kiss you in the rein, deer."
"I've noticed that you've been making a lot of deer jokes lately."
"They're my favorite animal."
"And that's all? No other reason?"
"Yes?"
"Hmm…"
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Okay…"
"Bye, Prongs. I'm excited to hear Sirius and Peter's dog and rat jokes!"
"Okay… Hey, wait a minute… Evans!"
"Knock-knock, Evans."
"Potter…"
"Are you alright?"
"Not really."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really."
"If you ever do, I'm here to listen. My door's always open… and you don't even have to knock."
"Okay…"
"…"
"Hey, James?"
"Yeah, Lily?"
"Thank you."
"Hey, Potter. Knock-knock."
"Hmm?"
"Knock-knock, Potter."
"Uh… Who's there?"
"Wendy."
"Wendy who?"
"Wendy think… er, I mean, Wendy your… AGH! Okay, let me start over. Wendy you think you'll ask me out again?"
"Huh?"
"Like… Wendy… when do you… ugh, I can't believe I'm explaining a knock-knock joke to you. Oi, stop laughing at me, I'm trying to ask you out here."
"Oh, is that what this is?"
"Well, I was trying to get you to ask me again because I was going to say yes this time."
"Hmm, were you now?"
"Yes, so ask me."
"Alright, knock-knock, Evans."
"Who's there?"
"Wire."
"Wire who?"
"Wire we still standing around when we could be on a date?"
"Dinner. Hogsmeade. I'll see you soon."
"…"
"…"
"…Wow. I can't believe that actually worked."
"Knock-knock, Evans, er, I mean, Lily."
"Who's there?"
"Olive."
"Olive who?"
"Olive you."
"…"
"Do you get it, Lily? Olive… I love…"
"…"
"You… Sorry, I shouldn't have made a joke about the first time I… ehm… are you alright, Evans? I… I can take it back and- I mean, I'd still feel the same on the inside but- but I won't say it out loud and ehm, you know, we can take it slower and—MMPH!"
"Olive you too, James."
"Oh, wow. That was… that was…"
"What, Potter? You're acting like I've never kissed you before."
"Yes, well… tongue."
"Pervert."
"Oi, you're the one who almost jumped my bones after I said a vegetable."
"An olive is a fruit, dumbass."
"Is not!"
"Is too."
"Fruits are sweet!"
"It's a fruit because it has a seed in it, Potter."
"Plenty of vegetables have seeds in them."
"Like what?"
"Tomatoes."
"Another fruit!"
"LIAR!"
"I can't believe olive a dumbass."
"Knock-knock, Lily."
"Who's there?"
"Marry."
"Yes."
"But I—"
"Yes, James! Yes, yes, YES!"
"I haven't even officially asked you yet!"
"Fine, I say, 'Marry who?' and you say, 'Marry me!' and of course I marry you! Who else would I marry?"
"I don't know… I could have said Prime Minister Harry. You seemed to have a thing for him in our early Hogwarts years."
"Ah, yes. Good ol' Prime Minister Harry."
"And he was elected again, just like I said he would."
"That you did."
"Well, he's probably too busy doing prime minister-y things, Evans, so now you have to marry me."
"He's retired now, James. You still don't read the news, huh?"
"Oh, no, does that mean ol' Harry's gonna steal my girl?"
"There's no one in the world I would want to knock-knock into my life but you."
"Not even the ex-prime minister?"
"Not even the ex-prime minister."
"Harry's still a nice name though…"
"That it is… Now give me my damn ring."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Knock-knock, Mrs. Potter."
"Come on in, Mr. Potter."
Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed reading my fic! Reviews are appreciated!
-Basil