Can you see my scars

Can you feel my heart

This is all of me for all of the world to see

Having a serial killer father and alcoholic mother can only go so far. But then witnessing his own younger sister kill a man right in front of his eyes didn't help either. However being the go to guy of his own choice to keep it all as much under wraps and even go as far as taking advice from a man who killed too many people and had been trying to kill him, his own blood and flesh, was entirely something else.

And so his mental problems rose to a new levels of heights. But one thing remained just as scary and torturous to even begin to acknowledge as something notable.

Malcolm Bright was a good man at heart. He always tried to do what's best and what's the only choice to fix things in his own eyes so that he could feel at least something good in all the bad.

A ray of light among endless dark spreading and seeping through and around every single inch of his existence.

But then he saw with his own eyes that all he hoped and believed was pulled down under like water once pulled his body deep down before floated up to the sun shining brightly in his face as if smirking at him for being young and stupid.

And boy he was such a dumb young thing for a while before he had to put on his grownup costume. But eventually he had enjoyed that time of carefree existence and having one friend to share this with.

Even now, sitting on a rooftop garden chair in his PJ's Malcolm knows he's still that silly boy with no self control and any self preservation instincts whatsoever. Still the same wildly intelligent yet uncontrollably loose canon. He did get lucky his education and unusual ability to get to the minds of the evil and twisted saved him from fate less shiny. Even if he gained more pairs of eyes on him now that he was back in the city.

However tonight he was having a moment he longed for the longest time ever. Something only one other person knows about, a guilty pleasure if you must.

For years it's been his little secret but now it was kind of a thing he just never thinks about anymore. Besides Gil would definitely skin him alive if he knew.

So who's it gonna be

The one that you only need

I gave it all and all you gave

Was sweet misery

A fairly loud screech from the street down low brought the slightly disheveled man from his musings as he reached for his small kit and the mess of pill bottles in his pocket.

He wasn't saint. Never believed that shit anyway. Not even god was a saint.

His mind shortly went back to the night he got his face full of drugs and how silly he'd been. At least the trip was nice before hallucinations popped in to ruin the party. And to be honest it was a travel down the memory lane. Of days long passed.

Once upon a time he embraced the delusions and shit that came upon him during the trips. FBI somehow made him soft and he'd lost the old feel for it.

It was back now. And with a catch..

So who's gonna save us now

When the ashes hit the ground

I gave it all

But all you gave was sweet misery

Ever since that time he had to put a syringe to his own arm to play the part for the man about to kill his wife and Dani he'd felt that old pull towards darkness. Well, okay, he has darkness within from his own father- a serial killer- but that's like a whole different thing altogether.

As a someone who rarely exposes his body to anyone in general he still carries the scars from times and injuries that seemed nonimportant at the time but still affected his subconscious.

However right now he was just burning with the old flame he once had been his go to. While wasn't into all the tings he'd experimented with back in the day there were few that kept coming back.

The one was weed. He did that with Vijay when they still were best friends and tried stuff. He had felt weirdly embarrassed after the box had exploded in his face and Dani had to take him home. And then they'd talked a little and he realized years of being the 'good' guy had taken that old flame away.

But now it's back. And he still knows things and places and people.

Also his own mother has stash of stuff and all the pills she kept suggesting for 'emergencies or a very good party'. Not that his own meds weren't doing things.

But then the thing happened and he desperately needed the stuff from past to deal with all the stress and chase the hallucinations away.

And whatever the coke was in there it made his hallucinations worse even to the point of making Dani sock him in the face to stop the episode.

So ever since he'd been contemplating about the stuff and decided not to. But then he met Vijay again after the years and it all came back.

Because being honest he actually missed the man and missed their shenanigans and guilty pleasures.

So from that he went on to hunt down a few things that he realized actually helped some.

However the thing with drugs were that he had to chose wisely now that he's been on meds for so long and had some understanding of their effects. And also careful because now the whole precinct was on his heels about stuff so he needed to be more measured in what he chose to relax with.

And he did let himself 'relax' recreationally once in a while. It did some improvements that were barely there but also allowed his brain to sink deeper into past.

Maybe now that he was adult he got more things than when he was a teen. Which was something. Also he still managed to keep the chloroform bottle nearby for trying to torture himself even more because somehow that's been his vibe at this point in life.

Some may see that he actually does have a pretty dark side but not to common knowledge.

And just maybe that was how he worked as an adult and being on his own. He was still intense as a person at the FBI but that was a completely different life. Felt like lightyears away now that he was back.

This is the end

My beloved friends

I'm lost in dreams

And all I know is where I've been

But now after all that thing with Endicott he had taken more stuff to make his life a living hell. But also it was a completely different type of hell.

Something he tried to indulge as less as possible because he really hated the fact that his hands weren't shaking while doing all that. It was only while he let himself to overthink it. And to Mal it felt like he was in fact his father. Something he felt deeply troubled with.

So he did bring the weed out on the roof and prepped the joint with hands that knew. No shaking just anticipation and weird excitement that once was a shared experience.

Vijay had a thing about it that stayed with Malcolm even to this night but he wasn't about to call his crush he kept denying himself all this time. The door was locked and he even had a secret cam at the corner that he could spy ahead of time because if anyone decided to drop by he would just scurry to shower and pretend to be busy so that he couldn't be caught because honestly being caught by anyone aside Vijay was still a thing he wanted to avoid at all costs.

So he just took his time to profile his newfound friends and colleagues and even his own family to stay ahead of their steps and avoid being chastised for how he spends his free time.

And also avoid Gil's judgmental stare of disapproval. Or his mother's sneaky stare.

And for sure not to give Ainsley more compromising material to use for her gain.

But here he was in the middle of a night, actually a legit Friday night, so he could have a late morning brunch with his mother and maybe sister, if she chose to join, without feeling like under the magnifying glass more than usual.

And he was allowed to drink whatever he wanted and tell them he just got drunk over some shit from work or whatever.

His first pull on the joint was a memory of him and Vijay at one in the morning on the rooftop of an abandoned parking lot. They'd gotten high and drunk and kissed for what felt like hours and just generally let themselves escape the reality for a while. Even had a junk food session feeding bits to each other and laughing like their life depended on it.

They were the 'corner table guys' and that was what got him through school. Until their friendship ended or something he still wasn't entirely sure about.

However meeting Vijay again stirred all those feelings and memories. Things he had lost in his young years because being young often made you forget things for them to return when you were an adult. But then he was chloroformed so much he wasn't surprised that things escaped. And he was also pretty forgetful person when it came to daily things like food or water because the need to solve a crime was always stronger than anything so it never surprised him when his mother found him in the parties he went to ask people about cases he'd previously agreed to accompany her as her plus one.

Run love

I'm the truth that you're afraid of

I'm a fever that you made up

Just martyr on a bridge that's burning down

As the memories flashed he felt that the usual mindset was letting looser and he knew that weed let his hallucinations slide. He couldn't explain but doing weed not only gave him appetite he never had in general but it also gave him break from his own mind. And when the joint was done it was just the soft, mellow feeling he couldn't have on daily basis. But he knew more than one would give him all the bad ideas of numerous silly things so he put all the stuff aside as another kit was brought to the table.

And he wasn't that keen on needles like never in his life but then he did a few experiments here and there to be sure of his preferences.

So he stayed with just snorting powder because he wasn't into needles and surely smoking crack or shit because he had his weed enough, so that left either snorting or drinking. It mixed in his drink.

This time he let it slide and prepared a fine line. Not that he would call himself a scaredy cat because obviously he'd done some serious shit and once again it was Vijay that invited him to a new experience just because he was that guy who could talk Malcolm into doing basically anything. And he didn't call himself a weak character.

Just maybe a very specific about details.

But currently it was just him on his roof surrounded by a garden and at the farthest corner possible.

And he liked to start slowly. With some food he'd ordered before knowing it will be needed and odd bottle of scotch he passed by on his way upstairs.

So he leaned down and did it fancy way instead of the wild his past self version. He had taken to use a cut part of straw to get the powder in his nostril.

It went smooth and silky almost as if just taking a deep breath. And for a minute he just sat there with his head thrown back and eyes closed as a nostalgia wave mellowed him out.

Then it just faded out for a moment as he let it work its way into his system.

He washed the taste down with a sip of his alcohol. A hefty bite of the random burger followed and he allowed a moment of reality sink in. Because he didn't have the encouraging giggle of Vijay beside him.

He tried not to let the emotion break his spirit but truth was he actually did miss his friend and crush very seriously. Not to a crazy extent though. He wasn't that desperate. He still got a hug or few from Gil and even Dani after a case nearly blew in his face or when actually went to shit.

Maybe a pat on the shoulder from ever the mysterious JT. And for sure a smothering force of affection from Edrisa once in a while.

He knew he probably should've been more embarrassed about the whole bursting situation at the precinct but he wasn't. Not anymore. He used to be embarrassed about his mental illnesses when he was still a kid but now it was just another part of him as a person.

So after he was half a bottle in he set for two thicker lines and just went with it. He wasn't ashamed of his scarce habit of crushing his meds and snorting instead of the daily 'cronch'. And even admitting out loud to strangers he was 'wildly dependent on benzos' didn't sound as weird as casual snort just for the kicks because to him it was absolutely normal now.

After a moment of light giggle at the mere thought he allowed him the rest of the bottle and let his mind slip for a moment before reaching down under the side table for another bottle. He usually displayed his fancy drinks but hid the ones he chose to hide from his mother's prying eyes and judgment.

He'd acquired a few specialty super strong drinks and one he had up on the roof from the last weekend.

Which he knew wouldn't be possible if he had a person with him, unless it was Vijay… and here he went again..

Vijay feelings still ran strong but he let them be. It used to be their thing as they shared childhood traumas and both had their fathers in prison.

But also it was their alone time to spend with each other to just exist in each other arms and being drown by kissing for hours just because it was the softest possible emotion.

So who's gonna save us now

When the ashes hit the ground

I gave it all

But all you gave was sweet misery

So who's it gonna be

The one that you only need

I gave it all and all you gave

Was sweet misery

And that moment when he took the bottle to his lips and let it all slide for this night he also allowed a tear to slip the cracks of his protective wall.

He allowed the walls of his own misery fall low enough he felt the usual surge of stuff just disappear. It was the only way he saw that worked and he kept it secret even from his therapist. Anything he'd ever tried just didn't work.

And right this moment he needed a little freedom.

He even once told Vijay that these moments were everything he looked forward when the burden of being The Surgeon's son took him spiraling down to the darkest places and nobody ever believed there was 'a girl in the box' which made him feel even more traumatized. Even to the level of believing it was a hallucination which only proved to be actually a desperate attempt to hide a murder from him which even wasn't an actual murder. The girl was actually alive and he even had seen her. But there still was a sting from Eve not being all that genuine. And now she was reported dead and going to see it his own eyes and that still haunted his sanity.

Which he knew was shot anyway but still…

So he maybe should hang out with Vijay more often because just the thought of it, even a fleeting one, brought something warm and calming over him. Mal wasn't one shy person once he allowed himself to open up. But even seeing Nico, the guy who's hand he chopped off so masterfully, gave him warmth he obviously longed for.

And yet he confessed Dani he's had 'plenty of sex' in desperate attempt to not seem like some crazy virgin thing. But honestly he was a bit wild for a moment just to know until he found his ways.

Yes, he wasn't a virgin but he wasn't one of those guys with an insatiable need for it.

But he also didn't want to feel ashamed of the actual truth of amount of sex in his life. While he wasn't complaining some people wouldn't get it. So he scrambled for the first thing that seemed appropriate while his brain was slightly swimming.

And for fact he wasn't actually ashamed or embarrassed about having to sleep chained to a wall which would be the first sign.

It's been long since he felt anything else about that fact. And he's been going to Nico's for more stuff as his incident proved was a needed thing.

But just thinking about it while getting high seemed like a bad thing knowing his history of being danger to himself and seemingly everyone around.

So he usually chose to alienate himself from human interaction aside pure work, so having Gil's team up and close was something new to his life. Even if he only had one person contact before.

And as the bottle was finally over with he decided on another joint before calling it a night.

And as he was descending back into his ritual of putting shackles on- just in case, because he didn't plan to do another leap pf faith through his window- thoughts of what ifs entered his mind and moments later, as his mind didn't stop supplying all the wants he'd ever wanted to have, the last conscious thing he pictured before falling asleep was of Vijay kissing him deeply and passionately as his strong large arms wrapped his body in the best embrace ever.

Can you see my scars

Can you feel my heart

This is all of me for all of the world to see