Peel me
stab like a fencer
until I can feel you again It's always been there. He comes to the conclusion. Yet still refusing its admittance to himself. Not that it would ever change anything in his life at this point. Some things would probably mean even less than anything else. He's still shaking from the thought alone but not because of what happened. He's shaking because of what HE did… "There's no other way. Yes there is. I was right. We are the same." No, he must NOT think like that… But if he was being honest it was too late now. All his childhood he's been attracted to the mind of his own father who had been a ruthless calculating killer and that was like a honey to the flies. Even if he was scared and disgusted with his old man part of him still found all that fascinating and captivating. And it served as a huge part of what his calling had been all these years.. contrary to his mother's opinion he was still in denial that secretly this pull has gotten stronger as the years passed. Unfortunately his family could be awfully persistent… Heal me spread like a cancer until I can feel all this pain It was infectious feeling now that he could tell some things were always the same no matter what… he tried to smash all those urges and feelings just because he knew how his family would look at him… The memory of that one day brought back all he tried to deny… Were they not the same if he could just as simply plan a way to kill the man with whatever was laid out for him as the killer himself? How it's his denial to accept the fact he wasn't any different in that regard if he was just like the man? Their only difference was that he actually wasn't killing people… But then how do you call when you just do what has always been inside you and nagged at your being? "You know there is a point where you can pierce the heart and not affect a single coronary artery. You can be stabbed right here, and somehow emerge perfectly fine. But naturally, the margin for error is nil. If you miss the target, the heart will fail and no surgeon, not even me, can save you then. It's like threading the eye of a needle." He'd barely flinched in the very moment… if he'd been there alone… That's where he knew deep inside.. Burn like a fire release me and then let me drown again Burn like a fire to freeze me and then let me drown again All this time he's felt the tremor and his own suffocating fear, constant denial of who he is and where he's come from… Screaming from the rooftops and whispering menacingly at the suspects and never even willingly admitted that all this was just a part of humbling in denial of the fact they were the same… His mother always dotting and just disregarding the fact his sister killed a man in front of him and trying to deny all the emotions it brought up.. Mal wasn't one to look at the gift horses nor their mouths when his desperate attempt at keeping it under wraps held longer he felt was possible… eventually he had to let it out and then it felt just as ugly as his father's wicked grin… He was sick of the way the man's teeth showed and eyes shone despite lack of much light… Ease me hush me with fever until I can see all this rain His tremor grew worse every single moment and his mind kept slipping even if he kept it going… the strong urge to just give in and let go in the same way he'd been so close to all the years ago when he got locked into that broom closet at that school… he almost did admit himself they were the same but the last moment he felt the intense fear and let the boy have it… but the knowledge of the fact he just as easily could've just given in… so easy, just like looking around the room and plotting how to kill.. Logic told it's the natural way of a man like him to be on top of the game because it was the job, to know every possible move of a criminal and predict the exact moment to catch the perp in action and put the chase to the end… But was it? Was that the real reason? He had not been entirely truthful with himself, there was no such thing as prediction in his line of work, he was above such foolish assumptions, let them be for his mother and sister. No, Malcolm knew exactly when and where he was supposed to be and this time when he looked down at his own hand there was no tremor at all, it was as calm as the tree trunk next to him. "Yes, it's true. I took you up to the cabin to kill you. The chloroform had lost its efficacy, so I thought I'd nip it in the bud, but I couldn't bring myself to go through with it. That was my choice, and god knows I've been paying for it ever since. You made sure of that." His own father had planned to kill his own son, that Malcolm had to live with. There still was this nagging so he knew there will be a returned nature of the favour at some point. To what extent was past his point of imagination lest he does indeed loose it entirely… And he made sure of that alright, he was the one to throw the mere fact in his father's face every damn time, something his own pride didn't allow to just drop. And maybe that feeling of shoving a ceramic sharp tool into the man's heart exactly like the man had once explained in detail felt way more satisfying than Mal felt ready to admit to himself… "I did everything! I shared the letters, I saved Jeannie, I was done being that man! But you, you just couldn't believe it, could you? So you made me become him again. You ruined everything." "That's not how psychopathy works. It's who you are." "No, you tricked me. You asked me to help. I was trying to be a good father!" "You don't belong out here. This world isn't for you. Dad! Listen to me, I'm trying to save you." "I was a good father. But you, you were never a good son." "You're going to kill me. Ten seconds ago, that's when you decided." "There's no other way." "Yes there is." "I was right. We are the same." He then realized something else… His father had been a changed man, but then his son asked him to change back, it undid something and that's when Martin had made the choice. He was wrong, not ten seconds before but exactly when he played his son card, because he was scared to open the doors himself, he took the easy way out and made his father turn back to what he once couldn't do… For all these years all they both did to each other was constantly trying to prove something so that they would not face something, to avoid feeling like the other by just admitting… they'd fought tooth and nail to prove the other to be the good father and the son who's absolutely "not the same"… And they both fucking failed, he wanted to scream that but there was nothing to scream at, no one to blame. He had done it and his hand was just as steady as his resolve. Did he proved himself or his father? He saw it all too late, his own need to save someone at any cost had proved the real monster had been Malcolm himself, all these years he's been what he feared the most just because he was too afraid to look in the mirror and see the man who once felt deeper than expected so he'd let his son live a little longer… Burn like a fire release me and then let me drown again Now he was drowning in his own pain and anger. But seething at his old man will not help to understand so he decided that it was unnecessary. The darkness within himself was something Mal would never get rid of, it would destroy him. His only way was to accept it and keep it in place, and all the many times he did something and let it rear its head it proved that admitting to himself they indeed were the same would've done more good. In the end they actually were the same, but also not really… Accepting the fact of their shared abilities didn't immediately make Malcolm a serial killer and now that's where his most misstep happened… His hand is just a way to start understanding where things come from and why his brain is just the way it is. It's not an immediate sign of him just slowly shaping into a criminal mastermind… However, if the need would come he'd probably be the best one out there, if he would just be able to look past himself and profile himself with the same ease he did everyone else out there… So maybe they were the same… Feed my desire relieve me and then let me down again Feed my desire deceive me and then let me down again
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