811Disclaimer: I own no intellectual properties claimed by any major television studio or any minor one for that matter.
Xander woke up on a very comfortable couch in the livingroom of a place that probably cost more than even Cordelia could afford to own, considering the TV across from him took up most of the wall and all the furniture looked beyond expensive.
A door opened to the left of him and what could only be described as a big tittied goth elf entered, dressed in a business casual dress that held a touch of steampunk stylings and carrying a clipboard. "Good morning, Mr Harris. I'm your adjuster Amelia Harris."
"Harris?" Xander asked, wondering what an adjuster was and trying not to stare at her breasts or legs. "Are we related? Wait! Did I get drunk and marry you last night? What happened last night? I can remember... Willow made a suggestion based on some internet thing or possibly she complained about it and I made a costume based on the idea..."
"Calm yourself Mr Harris," Amelia said firmly. "I can answer all your questions, but I think most of your questions will be answered by listening to my report."
"Alright," Xander said, taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out.
"I am an adjuster with Slutlife, a multidimensional corporation composed of beings that most would consider evil but allowed to exist because we do good works. The amount of good accomplished, good karma if you will, we use as currency in the company and simply refer to as points," she explained.
Xander slowly nodded to show he understood.
"That's not to say, as should be obvious, that we don't do evil as well. In fact, a lot of our standard methods of doing business would be considered evil by anyone's metrics. However, and this is important, we do far more good than evil, the company's very existence depends upon it," she said sombrely.
The dark-haired teen considered that, not sure how that would work or if it even could, recalling discussions with Jesse about if killing baby Hitler would be a good act or an evil one, before nodding once more.
"Normally we recruit young men to act as agents, they are put through extensive training, given powers and abilities dependent on the Division they've signed up with and the contracts they've signed, and then sent on missions that earn the company good karma, which the company rewards a percentage of to them that they can spend any number of ways, after they pay off the company of course."
Xander frowned as a fragment of a song floated through his mind. "Load eighteen tons and what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt."
Amelia nodded. "There have been several corporate wars fought over just such behavior in management. The current CEO sits on a throne made of their skulls to remind the current managers the cost of such behavior. An adjuster's job is to make sure their agent isn't fucked too badly by the company. While I do work for Slutlife, my primary employer is you."
"How does that work?" he asked, confused.
"Adjusters go through decades of training in how to navigate the corporate world and assist our agent to get the best deal possible, because our fortunes are tied to them. If I do my job well, you will complete multiple contracts and rise in the company, gaining power and status."
"How long do I have to work for the company?" Xander asked cautiously.
"Until your debt is paid off, doing enough good to pay for the powers you've been granted and the training you've gone through," she replied.
"Many agents retire after completing only a few contracts," she assured him. "When your point total is in the black you can always step away from the action, settle down, have kids, and relax using whatever resources you've gained to live a completely hedonistic lifestyle if you desire."
Xander nodded slowly, knowing there was a catch somewhere and wondering what it was. "What are contracts to do? In general, I mean."
"Quite a lot of different things," Amelia said. "I'll start with the most morally acceptable jobs and work my way down. Containment is a high risk, high reward position that I do not suggest you take. Containment is mainly concerned with stopping entities that devour realities."
"Entities? What, like Cthulhu?" Xander asked.
"None of them are truly like one another, but yes," she agreed. "Preventing the destruction of realities by entities that lurk in Branespace between dimensions is something Slutlife handles. I urge you not to take any such contracts until you've completed multiple contracts and have a lot more experience and power. I can't tell you how many overconfident agents have taken it as their first job and been erased from existence."
"I'm not remotely that stupid," Xander assured her.
"Good," Amelia said, visibly relieved. "Troubleshooting involves going into dangerous situations and solving the problem, often by shooting them, but how you solve the problem is up to you. Sometimes your job is to rescue agents that get in over their head. Other times it's to shoot agents who have gone rogue and decided they should rule the world or some other similar nonsense."
"Does the company regularly recruit idiots?" Xander asked.
"Yes," Amelia replied honestly, surprising him. "Sane, intelligent, well-adjusted people don't save worlds unless forced, it's the losers, misfits, and ego maniacs with nothing to lose who become heroes."
"And where do I fall in on that scale?" Xander asked with a wince.
"Xanders are rarely ego maniacs, quite a few are turned into losers by things beyond their control, but the vast majority are misfits by choice because they refuse to fit in," Amelia told him. "Of course since fitting in requires they ignore people in trouble, that really isn't a bad thing."
Xander smiled at that before a thought hit him. "Xanders plural... multiverse," he answered himself. "I suppose a lot of us become agents?"
"No," Amelia said, shaking her head, "it's rare one of you is even offered the opportunity. Most Xanders become husbandos or waifus."
"That... Spanish for husbands and wives?" he guessed.
"No," Amelia said, "it's a bit more complicated than that. I'll explain it after I explain Acquisitions."
Xander nodded.
"Now Jumpers... Actually Jump contracts are probably the most morally acceptable contracts, though the risks vary," she said thoughtfully. "Jumpers are dropped into an unknown timeline or I should say a barely known timeline as we generally know the broad strokes about the place. Jumpers simply have to live in the world they are dropped into for a decade to complete the contract. Having an agent in place for a decade provides the company enough data to lock onto the timeline and extend its reach. Of course the company would prefer you to be active doing good works and often offer rewards to compensate for the risks involved."
"But I could simply dig a hole in the ground and hide out for a decade to complete the contract?" Xander asked, just to be sure.
"Oh yes, in fact on some worlds they request you do just that, though on most they usually request you at least try and uplift the local population, bring them out of the Middle Ages, guide an industrial society into space flight, things of that nature. Uplift contracts are the bread and butter of jumpers even if they are also the reason most jumpers retire since they get invested in societies they've put so much effort into upraising."
"I could see that," Xander said. "A decade would really help you put down roots."
"Exactly," Amelia agreed. "Of course there are those that take multiple jump contracts at once, where you are provided a base that moves with you from world to world. The company pays well for that kind of contract as you are just providing rough targeting data for the ones who are going to spend a decade there, while you simply jump after two to six months, but the risk of so many blind jumps really isn't worth it as far as I'm concerned."
Xander nodded, thinking you could only roll the dice so many times before it came up snake eyes.
"And finally we come to Acquisitions," she said. "Acquisitions covers everything from buying local products to send on, both legal and illegal to using various binding methods to obtain fresh engrams of people."
"I'll need a lot more details," Xander told her.
Amelia nodded. "Most agents have harems," she said bluntly. "The company offers agents powerful waifus and husbandos for points. Now it's a lot more complicated than simply using mind control spells on local heroes and villains and offering them for sale."
"I'd really hope so," Xander said, thinking it sounded horrifying and a bit familiar.
"Some people sign themselves over to the company to become husbandos or waifus for their own reasons. Rachel Ross, who you would know of as Raven from the Teen Titans often signs up to block Trigon from using her as a key to invade her Earth or Rogue from the X-men because the company can give her control over her powers allowing her to finally get laid and have children."
"Multiverse theory," Xander repeated to himself, his mind immediately imagining going up to a vending machine and having it dispense two goth superheroes for him.
"Anyone who signs up for the company or are captured for an agent's harem allows the company to copy their engrams, from which a number of clones can be made. The number varies according to the strength of the soul, but it's usually in the hundreds of thousands if not more."
"Buy one clone, get nine hundred thousand free," Xander said, stunned at the enormity of it all.
"The engrams degrade the more clones are made, but it takes tens of thousands before there is a noticeable difference," Amelia explained. "Thus the company offers them to agents at different power levels or tiers, which is the official measurement. Most of the lower tier versions know they are clones and are raised in company orphanages receiving training in company culture and various jobs and skills. If they aren't purchased for a harem by a certain age, they generally find a job with the company."
"Do they want to join a harem?" Xander asked, something about the setup almost sparking a thought.
"A harem has its risks, but there is also the chance for power, money, a family," Amelia listed off proudly. "The number who don't want a chance to go out into the greater universe and reap the rewards is small."
"How much of the company is female?" Xander asked.
Amelia smiled broadly. "I knew you'd be smart enough to catch the implications. The majority of the company is female of course, not that men aren't found in all levels of the company as well, it's just in sheer numbers women have them beat."
"Do people in management look down on clones?" he asked.
"Not at all," she assured him, "Management has quite a few clones in it, we really don't make that sort of distinction."
"So being in a harem is a status thing in the company," he said, trying to get a feel for how it worked.
"Very much so, especially one of a successful agent who has had children," she said. "You can't get into management otherwise."
Xander slowly nodded. "And the huge downside you are holding out mentioning until after letting me see the glitz and glamor?"
Amelia nodded in approval. "An active agent has access to binding methods that don't require consent. In fact, an agent gathering his own harem that way is rewarded by the company with points for each capture."
"Because it provides a new engram for the company," Xander said, not liking the idea, but seeing how it could be necessary. After all, what's a little thing like morals to stand in the way of saving the world?
"Precisely," she agreed. "Now, women in your harem are called waifus, the bindings enforce love and loyalty but not agreement unless you have a binding method that enforces that as well, which you don't. Waifus are more than just arm candy and homemakers, they are your support staff, your family, the future mothers of your children. Treat your waifus well if you expect to succeed in the company or in life for that matter."
"Husbandos would be the male equivalent," Xander muttered. "I'm normally a husbando, aren't I?"
Amelia giggled. "A popular one for female agents who choose to enter the Buffyverse."
"Really?"
"Really," she assured him. "While a bit rough around the edges, you are loyal, have great stamina in the bedroom, a knack for seeing things others miss, and several easy paths to empowerment depending on when you are captured."
Xander had the sudden picture of a box trap baited with a twinkie in his head. "Um... how many times have I been captured by using twinkies as bait?"
"Breasts are more effective, you are a teenage boy after all, but female agents with a sense of humor have used them to capture you before," she readily admitted. "Mainly it's you playing along because let's face it, it's funny."
Xander found himself laughing along with her. "Yeah, an attractive female trying to capture me with a twinkie would have an easy time of it, during the daylight hours anyway."
"Now that you have a decent overview of the company, let's talk about your contract," Amelia said, taking a seat on the couch, her dress riding up and attracting Xander's eyes.
"I don't remember signing a contract," Xander admitted, "in fact the last thing I remember was... meeting the girls to go out trick or treating."
"You didn't and Slutlife didn't create a contract either," Amelia said, crossing her legs, causing her skirt to ride up just a little bit more and drawing his eye, "Nevertheless a contract now exists with your signature on it and perks drawn from multiple catalogs."
"Catalogs?" Xander asked curiously, forcing his eyes up with some effort.
"Each contract comes with a catalog listing all the perks and drawbacks available, allowing you to tailor your build to the job you've agreed to do," she explained. "There are also supplemental catalogs which are almost impossible to get your hands on and provide additional options. Naturally you managed to grab a single perk from one of those as well."
"So... What did I sign up to do?" Xander asked cautiously.
"That's rather complicated," Amelia admitted. "Now, normally the company has five divisions or classes that characterize your job postings. Class A is composed of Devils. Most of their agents are psychopaths who cause a lot of collateral damage and are a pain to work with. They founded the company to gain more resources for the Blood Wars, which is the everlasting battle against the demons born of chaos who wish to return all of existence to its natural state. Their reputation as assholes is well deserved, but they have a very good contract completion rate."
Xander nodded slowly, thinking he'd have to look further into that when he had the chance.
"Class B is the Fey," she explained. "They wipe their agent's minds before sending them off to complete their contracts. Why? Shits and giggles as far as anyone can tell. They lose a lot of agents, but the ones who succeed end up very skilled, completing any number of different contracts and making it look easy."
"Quality over quantity?" Xander guessed.
"Investing more in training before sending them would make more sense," she argued. "Now Class C is run by the Entities. Cthulhu is in fact part of management. Their agents are the misfits and losers, people who don't tend to human well to begin with. They tend to lose the vast majority of their agents working Containment contracts, but those that succeed often go on to become entities themselves. Their favorite side hustle is to sacrifice the souls of unrepentant murderers and child rapists to feed management."
"Sounds horrible and reasonable, or reasonably horrible," Xander said thoughtfully. "As side hustles go… I can actually get behind that one. Not sure what that says about me."
"It's only the completely unrepentant that get eaten, hardly a moral quandary," she offered before returning to the briefing, "One of the quirks Class C has is removing the name of their agents, forcing them to come up with new ones. All the classes remove agents' names as part of the process but only in Class C do we think someone actually eats it. Despite all that, Class C agents are actually pretty pleasant to work with, as they are team players who go above and beyond to complete their contracts and assist other agents."
"And the few Xanders who become agents joined Class C?" Xander guessed.
"More of you join Class A, their primary goal is the destruction of demons after all," she pointed out.
"Yeah, I can see it," Xander agreed with a sigh.
"Class D is the undead, not demon possessed corpses but true undead. Jewish vampires founded that division of the company and they are the ones you go to for legal advice. The only real downside to working with them is they are never in any rush, so it takes forever to get anything done. They get the majority of the really long-term contracts since their agents generally are some form of undead who enjoy playing the long game like uplift or restoring life to nearly dead worlds."
"How do they feel about my vampires?" Xander asked.
"They should be completely eradicated for giving undead a bad name," Amelia answered, making him smile.
"I think I can get along with them," he decided.
"Good, because they also run HR," Amelia said. "Now, we move on to Class E, the Enforcers. You see the forces of good don't exactly trust Slutlife and for good reason, it's heavily corrupt and always will be. Class E is composed of holier than thou muscle heads who bash first and never ask any questions. Thor, Vegeta, Hercules... You know the type. Only call them if you're sure you are in the right and can explain it in a way an eight year old can understand."
"That bad?" Xander asked, surprised.
"They spend all their time training to destroy evil, not identify it or learn manners," she said dryly. "The company has its fair share of enemies, with ideologies that we can all agree are flawed if not outright evil, and they are very handy for dealing with those."
"Do you think the good guys dumped them on you just to get rid of them?" Xander asked thoughtfully.
Amelia frowned in thought for a moment before sighing. "I would not be surprised," she admitted. "Anyway, finally we have Class F."
"And what is Class F?" Xander asked.
"You apparently," she said bluntly. "Class F appears to be freelance agents authorized to use any catalog and authorized to operate independently as long as they generate enough points to justify their freelance contract."
"I'm in a class all my own and already given an F," Xander said, shaking his head. "Figures."
"Now, let's talk about points," Amelia said, brushing aside his self-deprecating humor.
"How many points does my contract grant me and what am I doing to earn them?" Xander said seriously, hoping it was something moral and not too dangerous.
"It doesn't have a spending limit, but you've already spent one hundred and fifteen points," she replied.
"Pardon?" Xander asked, hoping he'd heard wrong.
"The canon Buffyverse timeline has you dressing as a generic soldier for Halloween," she explained. "An old friend... kinda enemy, mostly just an immature man-child and wizard, of Giles named Ethan Rayne cast a spell over Sunnydale last night, turning everyone into their costumes. It's a major nexus point as he called upon Janus the Roman God of Change."
"And last night I dressed as an agent," Xander realized with a groan. "Willow was going on and on about how misogynistic the concept of the agents were in some thread she read online and Buffy argued it'd be fine if they were female and the two giggled hypocritically over it which annoyed me enough to make a costume based on one. I knew this all sounded a bit familiar, though the reality is way different than the fantasy."
Amelia nodded. "Reality was altered and a contract was created. Let me list off your purchases. You bought a Sweet Home, which is an extradimensional house for ten points. Normally it's much more expensive but you somehow purchased it from an agent who desperately needed the points. It's a very good deal and you somehow upgraded the Replenishing Pantry and Fridge to Name Brands Only for an additional point. The company doesn't even offer that as a perk, but it's done."
"This place is mine?" Xander asked, surprised.
"Yes," she replied. "Bought and paid for with points you'll have to pay back."
He nodded and sighed. "Okay, go on."
"You purchased Wardrobe for one point," she said, looking over the file, "which is still in Research and Design and has yet to be released. It's a fragment of the Gamer ability that stores clothes, armor, weapons, and stuff that fits in your pockets. The items stored resize themselves to fit perfectly and are always clean. It won't repair damaged items, but you can't have everything."
"No more laundry? Sign me up," Xander said with a smile. "Clothes that fit perfectly are also great. How much can I fit in it?"
"There's no limit listed," she replied as she checked. "It hasn't been approved for release, so they haven't tested its limits."
"How do I use it," he asked eagerly.
"Just picture putting your clothes away," Amelia told him.
Xander closed his eyes and his clothes vanished. He quickly snatched a cushion off the couch to cover his groin. "And how do I put them back on?" he asked, surprised he wasn't panicking.
"Picture putting them back on," she suggested, eyes roaming across his naked body and not attempting to hide it.
Xander closed his eyes and his clothes reappeared on him. "Very easy to use," he noted, returning the cushion to its spot.
"You've taken All Speak for ten points and Broken Limiter for five," she said, returning her eyes to her clipboard. "All Speak allows comprehension of all languages written or spoken, which is useful for an Agent and Broken Limiter simply removes the species limits on stat growth. It's not an instant power up but is a path to physical power that cannot be overlooked, as long as you're willing to work for it."
"I'll have to find a gym," Xander said with a grin, already seeing how useful this perk could be.
"Your sweet home already has one," Amelia told him, "though we'll have to upgrade it once you reach demi-god levels of strength and endurance."
"Yeah," Xander agreed, wondering how much time and effort that would require.
"You chose Wild Talent for one point, but as I don't know what catalog it's from I'm unsure whether it'll provide you a psychic, magical, or superhero power. We'll know when it sees fit to manifest itself."
"That's a lot for one point," Xander said thoughtfully.
"It could be completely useless," she replied, "that's why it's cheap. You spent a point buying five first class power vials from Cauldron which is a much more reasonable purchase. While you can only drink one yourself it is a guaranteed high tier power."
"What do I do with the other four?" he asked.
"They can be used to empower whomever you like. I'd suggest saving them for your waifus or children," Amelia said.
"Don't have any kids yet," Xander said confidently. "Though I might slip a couple to the gang to help them out."
"We can purchase more at a later date," Amelia noted. "You spent a single point on Mr World Wide, which helps you adapt to new cultures and fit in."
"Sounds handy," Xander said.
"It really is," she agreed. "You spent a point on Optimization, but it synergized with your Primal Possession and ended up as Curds and Whey which is the equivalent of the Black Panther empowerment which you should know of from Marvel Comics."
"Nice," Xander said, smiling broadly.
"Naturally the company upped the cost to five points for that, but I think we can get four of them refunded if we contact legal," she advised.
"Put that down as a maybe," Xander said, "let's not make any waves until our position is a lot stronger."
"As you wish," Amelia said, making a note on her file, "You spent five points on Chef, another five on Sticky Fingers, and a further fifteen on Combat Tentacles," she told him.
"I know what a chef is, but sticky fingers and tentacles?" he asked.
"Massages that always have a happy ending if you desire even if you only massage their feet or shoulders and the ability to sprout nine appendages of up to nine feet in length that are really not designed for combat," she explained. "Three hours and four orgasms with them working over every orifice will bind a girl to you."
"Nine-," Xander began in disbelief a moment before nine octopus tentacles exploded from his back and sides, shredding his shirt and knocking him to the floor.
"Would you like to try them out?" Amelia asked, a trace of hope leaking into her tone.
Xander instinctively pushed himself to his feet with his new appendages. "They're user friendly, but a little sensitive and hard on the clothes." His shredded shirt vanished.
"They're not really designed to be used with clothes," she pointed out.
The tentacles retracted and Xander retook his seat. "Handy for more than one thing," he decided.
Amelia almost pouted, but forced it down. "You purchased Martial Brilliance for twenty-five points, that lets you master any fighting style supernaturally fast."
"Expensive but worth it," Xander said with a grin.
"You took Power Sharing for five points, that allows you to share perks of up to ten points with any of your waifus after having sex with them," Amelia noted. "That's not the standard form the perk normally takes, but then it is normally twice as expensive."
"No tentacles or martial Brilliance, but All Speak, Wild Talent, and the rest are available," Xander said thoughtfully.
"You also spent ten points on Stress Defense and ten points on Soul Defense," she said, "Which are pretty self-explanatory."
"I thought I was a little too calm," Xander said.
"Last night you stamped Drusilla the Mad Seeress and William the Bloody Awful Poet as well as a dozen miscellaneous vampires of no real note," Amelia told him. "The Company has offered ten points for the dozen miscellaneous vampires and six each for Drusilla and William, shall I auto sell them when the three-day timer is up?"
"Yes, very much yes," Xander said with a wide smile.
"Once those sales go through you'll only owe ninety-three points to the company," she reported. "Shall I start looking for contracts you can complete?"
"Yeah, twenty two points is a good start, but I have a feeling I'm going to want to make some serious inroads in that before they start charging interest," he said.
"Very well, I'll get started on that right away," Amelia said, standing up.
"Now, how do I get home?" he asked.
"Door to your left," she said and gestured. "It'll lead to wherever you opened the door last night. To return here all you need to do is pick a flat vertical surface of the appropriate size and will the door to appear."
"Thanks Amelia," Xander said, "you're a lifesaver."
"I live to serve," she said with a smile.
Xander opened the front door and stepped out into the Summers living room in front of Joyce, Buffy, and Dawn. The door vanished as he closed it behind himself.
"How?" Joyce asked while Buffy and Dawn just stared at his naked chest.
Xander racked his brain and eventually just shrugged. "I don't have a remotely reasonable explanation," he admitted. "Does anyone have a spare shirt I can borrow?"
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows
TN: Honestly. If you're in a position to kill baby Hitler, you're in a position to check the timeline branch off and see what ramifications removal of the child would have, and assuming it's a net positive you're willing to accept, you're also absolutely in the position of being able to take the kid and drop him off at an orphanage in the states or Australia. Somehow doubt an aussie raised kid would pull the crap Hitler did.
TN2: Flynn Taggart is Class E isn't he. His rampage may have started with a rabbit, but I could easily see him keeping Slutlife on the straight and narrow, if only to not have a Doom Slayer sized hole through the ranks of Class A, which is probably the only reason he wouldn't be Class A... And I would have to laugh like JJ Jameson at the idea of him being a husbando. XD
TN3: I think I'd only take the tentacles if I can get them Elfen Lied style. Invisible, intangible, and combat rated on top of all the kinky stuff.