4Padme can read anakin as easily like reading a book. She's been married to him for 3 years after all. She knows what he likes and his dislikes. Despite being seperated for days, weeks or months, anakin would return to her and he would tell her everything, she was there to his darkest moment and good days, she witness him break down as she wrapped her arms hiding him to the world that hurt him in a comfort of their bedroom and he would allow himself to remove the mask, to not pretend that his anyone but strong, she would craddle him in silent but its enough, he knows she's there with him, that she will always be there. when he sleep she would murmur sweet and comforting words that she hopes that will drive away the nightmares that will soon hunt him. She knows him. She knows him more than anyone. She seen the smile he only gives to her, she knows the secret he will utter in the darkness of their room, a secret only she would know. That he's afraid to tell to anyone even to her but anakin can never hide anything from her, even if he tries, padme will know. After their marriage, after uttering their vow to each other, something had change between them, not just the meaning of their relationship but their bond. somehow padme can sense anakin emotion, when he have troubling thoughts or when he's beeming with happiness, perhaps she become too good of reading him that he can never hide anything from her but she can sense him even far away, even when he's in the other side of the galaxy millions of miles away from her. he told her its the force, that their bond made the connection of their force bond stronger. she will know if something happen to him. Their secret marriage, the distance, the short period of time spend with each other become bearable because even when they're far away they can sense each other presence and its comforting. Its not enough but its a crumb they will pick up greedily.
So when the sudden felt of nothingness, a void, the light comforting presence that always accompany her wherever she goes is gone in a blink - she couldn't stop her knees from crumbling to the floor infront of the senators, she felt hands hold her arms trying to hold her up but as if her soul leaving her body, she become numb, the voices couldn't quite reach her ears, worried faces become blur and padme didn't care because none of that matters. Shetried to claw her way to the darkness searching for that light but there was nothing its as if she's walking blind grasping for anything, but she cant feel anything as if it was never there.
Anakin!
Anakin!
Where are you?
Then everything went black.
Its been two days since that incident, padme haven't heard anything from holonet, no news, life continue. But to padme its as if her world stop spinning, she still continue attending to her job but her body works as if controlled in mechanization, She would stare at her datapad her mind blank, she would only utter a few words, ignoring the worry of the others. Sometimes they would find her staring into nothingness but padme tried her best to focus on her job because if she allows herself to think, tears would escape her eyes, her heart is breaking like theres a hand gripping it so tight she couldn't breath.
It hurts so much
But she couldn't. She couldn't accept it. Denial surge in her every being. As long as theres no news, announcing her fear, as long as obi wan haven't visited her yet uttering the words she dreaded. She will not accept it. Because of this padme did not allow herself to cry, to grieve because it would mean accepting it. As long as theres hope
Please
Come back to me
Anakin
Because padme could not bear a life without anakin. They talked about their future, their plans. It will not end this way. It wont. Not when they waited this long. Not when they become the part of their soul. They made a promise.
Please..
Padme along with her handmaiden and guards walked with her heading to her apartment, they were begging her to take a break from her job, to rest but padme was not listening or have the energy to say something to put them at ease. She's drained and she wants nothing more than to curl herself to sleep.
after putting her in a nightgown removing the pins that lock her hair now falling softly to her back, they left with an offer of comfort words, padme didn't give them an indication that she heard them her heart became numb to feel guilty about it. as she entered her room - silence welcomed her. She went straight to her bed and lie in it.
She dont know how long she lie there in still but sleep haven't find her yet and she merely content herself to closing her eyes until she fall asleep. Everything was too silent and still that padme didn't miss the shift of the clothes, the soft footstep heading to her bed. She waited for it to be close enough before her hand went to the the back of her numerous pillow feeling the blaster beneath it before sitting up and pointing it at the unwanted visitor, it was too dark that she couldn't see but the movement of shadow was enough to know the location of her target, she didn't have time to pull the trigger as she let out a yelped when the blaster flew away from her hand.
Padme was about to scream to alert her guards when a hand block her mouth silencing her. She struggle to move away as a body move beneath her caging her in
"Its me, my love" he mumured softly to her ears. Padme immediately stop fighting, her eyes widening, her heart start to beat fast in her ribcage, her chest heave heavily. She knows that voice everywhere.
When he sense that she calmed down, he gently remove his hand to her lips. But before he could move away padme stop him with her arms curling in his neck bringing him closer as she buried her face to his neck. she couldn't stop the tears flowing through her eyes or the sob leaving her lips as her nose clouded with his scent that she fears she would never smell again. Her hand touch the soft curl of his hair, she left a small trail of kisses to his neck as she whispered his name
"Anakin" she sobbed
She felt him tensed, his body went rigid, his breath hot on her shoulder and it took him a minute to snake his hand to her waist slowly as if hesitant.
"I love you" she murmured in ears again and again, She fear that she will never able to utter it again in his presence but here he is and she will say it until her throat dry until she have her voice to say these words
Its as if something inside him snapped, gone the careful controlled touch he's giving her. his arms wrapped in her waist tightly as he sat up bringing her body closer, she wrapped her legs to his waist caging him, not letting him go. His arms hugging her so tight it hurts but she didn't complain as she hugged him tightly as she can.
"Padme" he murmured in her neck, his voice break and hoarsed as he bury his nose to her neck inhaling her scent, she kissed his ear and hold his head. She dont know how long they stayed at that position feeling each others warmth, but the two of them didn't seem to care, a call from a jedi council or the senate and padme will not let go of him. At this moment they dont matter to padme but anakin. Her husband return to her and that's what matter to her the most.
She felt her relief, for the past two days she feel like she can breath again.
Her hand crawl to his chest and push their body apart slightly so she could see his face, his hold loosen enough so she could move but he didn't let go. Their eyes met, padme is met with his crystal blue eyes that shine brightly with the moonlight casting his figure, she brought her two hand holding his face to her palm holding him close, his skin smooth in her touch, her hand trace the scar in his eyebrow, to his nose then his sharp jawline memorizing every inch of him, his gloved hand went to her face, his thumb brushing the tears in her eyes
"Ani, why- why i couldn't sense you? I was afraid! I thought something bad has happen! I - i thought -"
"Shh" he hushed "Im here. Im ok"
"Anakin?"
He was silent for a moment, his eyes scanning her face like she's doing to him, for a moment his eyes hardened after she uttered his name but it was gone in a blink she almost think she imagined it, his eyes softened as another tear escape her eyes he catch it with his thumb
"Its me" he says faintly, her eyes stared at him searching for something, she knows immediately something had change but when he given her that smile, the smile that is only for her to see. Every thought has left her mind but his name.
She crashed her lips to his, he was taken aback, his body stiffen, he didn't return the kiss but he didn't push her away either. When she leaned back, her thumb brushing his cheek "I miss you" she utter with longing and need "I miss you so much. I felt you gone. I couldn't sense you anymore and I thought- something happen. I thought you die and it hurts me everyday because I dreaded every second not knowing what happen to you, I didn't hear anything in the news or to anyone. You were just gone and I felt a piece of myself died as well. Anakin. I dont know what happen but please" she leaned her head to his forehead
"I dont want to feel that again. I feel like you were gone somewhere I couldn't follow. I was scared" her body trembled, anakin let out a strained breath, he finally snapped as he hold her face to his hands and kissed her hard
She hug his neck and draw her body closer to his chest, their kissed was slow and passionate, her body heated up as her hand dig in to his curly hair while the other drifted to his chest feeling his heart beat thump fast beneath her touch, his lips nibbling her lips, his hands is exploring her curves. Their kiss is wet and sloppy, but they're in no rush to end it but to simply taste each other and engraved it in their heart. Padme hands drifted to his robes, her hand clumsy as she tried to remove the layers, anakin helped her by rolling of his shoulder and pulling it off of him, her hand descent to his naked chest, he let out a sharp gasp like he was hurt as her open palmed rested to his skin. His body hot and solid in her touch
She pulled away and look at him with worry "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"
"Its nothing" he gritted his teeth, she open her mouth to say something but he shut her up with a hard kiss as his hand ripped off the nightgown in her body and throwing it away, leaving her bare and naked, their kissed deepened, his mouth open wide devouring her lips completely, she can feel her lips beginning to sore but she didn't mind
Anakin slowly lay her back down to the bed without breaking the kiss, her hand explore his naked top, she gasped for breath as his lips drifted to her jaw down to her neck leaving a trail of wet kisses and bites
"Ani" she says with affection, his name rolling off her tongue like a honey, her hand caressing his back, her fingers found the familiar faded scars - big and smalls that imprinted to his skin like a map. Her hand found new scars but she didn't say anything she'll ask tomorrow but for now she'll let herself be drag away falling deeply from the feeling of his touch, his taste, his scent that gives the sense of fulfillment in her heart
He pulled away, her chest rise and fall, opening her eyes and found him staring at her to her full glory that make her feel a little embarrassed and conscious. His eyes intense, swarming with emotion she could hardly understand but one thing she sees that he couldn't hide from her is that sadness, his brow furrowed like he wanted to cry
then a single tear fall, drip in to her cheek, her hand reach to brush the tears in his eyes, his eyelids clenched shut like her touch burns him, his eyelashes brushing her finger. He took her hand and bring it to his lips to kiss it
"I miss you" his voice strained and somehow padme felt his words is deeper than that, deeper than what she feels
"I love you" his voice whisper in her skin, chanting it. He shake his head, his hold gripped tighter "I won't lose you, again" he promised, uttering it so faint she almost didn't catch it but the silence of their room made his voice louder
Again?
His body tower her body to claim her lips, it was harsher this time, he devoured her like a man that has been thirsting for so long and padme let him, let him have her body however he likes, he needs this. They need this.
She feel herself wet in her lower area, her body heated up as his lips drag to her neck, she arch her throat to give him access as he lick a long trail, the air is thick as she breathed, his rough hand squeeze her breast palming it while his prosthetic hand busy itself by gripping her hips as his thumb making a small circle, her hand tug at his belt, impatient to remove the materials that serve as a barrier to his skin
Anakin busied herself tasting her, he licked and nibble her throat down to her collarbones to her swelled breast, his thumbs and forefinger closing in to her perked nipple rolling it in and pinching it before putting it in his hot mouth sucking it hard, her back arch leaving a sigh in her lips. He pulled away to remove his pants and quickly closed the distance between their body. He groaned when their naked body intertwine, fitting like a puzzle, she hug his back, burying her nose to his neck
"Ani, I need you now. Please.." padme didn't have to say it twice. spreading her legs - It wasn't that long before she felt him burying himself inside her, hot and hard. She let out a content sigh, her legs wrapping in his waist her heels bury in his back. He hold her hips gripping it tight before he pulled out then push his hip with a hard thrust
His pace was fast and brutal, it was punishing that made her screaming from the pleasure, she followed his rhythm, her hand touching wherever she could reach, murmuring sweet words in his ears which he would reward with a hard thrust that would knock the air in her lungs, he was silent except from his grunting and strained moaned. she could feel his eyes on her watching her part her lips, her eyes shut, her face flush, bead of sweat forming in her forehead.
When she arch her neck he would attack it - that would leave a mark in the morning. padme would usually try to remind him not to leave a mark where people can see it but this time padme hardly care. Let him mark her, she needs a reminder that he's here, with her.
Padme hold his face to bring his lips to hers. Their body slide agaisn't each other, their skin wet with sweat, their breath tangled hot. She felt her body trembled, moaning as she came. He continue thrusting but it was slow this time, gentle, his hand caressed her body with tender touch as if he's almost afraid to hurt her. He shuddered beneath her when he spilled inside.
His hot breath touch her face, he leaned so their forehead could touch, padme didn't unwrap her legs in his waist or did he try to remove himself. They relished their heat, their hearts beat in sync, padme hug him close - she dont care if his body weight would crash her, she just wanted him close. He brace himself, prepping his arms beside her head then fall to her side, and hug her waist burying his nose to her curly hair in the crown of her head.
She dont know how long they stayed like that, she could still feel him inside her and yet it still felt like it's not enough. He's closed but why does he feel so far out of her reach?
She looked up, he open his eyes to catch her looking at him. He give her a small smile that put her at ease
"You came back" she whispered
He looked at her and theres that look again, like he couldn't believe she's real. He leaned to peck her lips
"Always" he uttered in her lips before claiming her again
They made love the whole night until the sun rises. Their body craved for each other, to feel the half of their soul alive to remind themselves this is not a dream.
Padme remember falling to sleep, her eyes drifting to close with content, she remember her husband watching her with the striking blue eyes, she remember him kissing her forehead so featherly and before sleep overtook her awareness, she could have sworn he uttered something.
"I'm sorry"
It didn't took too long for padme to notice it
her husband has changed
She always catch him watching her every move, at first it seems sweet, after all what kind of a wife who wouldn't want that attention from her husband and she didn't think it was unusual since every time her husband return home anakin always pay her so much attention, he would tell her sweet things, he would have that dreamy eyes, that faint smile when he looks at her it made her heart race and blush like a teenager but this time it's different something the way he looks at her makes her feel a little uneasy - his gaze blank and darkened it's as if he is seeing someone else, then he refused to avert his eyes like he fear that she would disappear If he did. Padme wonder if it's the nightmare he mention. Perhaps she should comfort him more, give him that assurance that she wouldn't die at childbirth
Padme had called a sick day to take a break from work and spend her time with her husband, no one asked something when they remember how sullen she was last time but now when her handmaiden see her glowing face they already know the reason of her change in mood so they left her alone.
It's why she noticed it quickly
He's weird behavior that's so uncharacteristic
Her husband is oddly quiet and still, he would only speak if she ask something and sometimes he would only give her a small smile to reply, a smile that never reach his ears, it's as if something is stopping him from smiling like he used to. He's doesn't move much, she have to checked if he's still breathing.
Padme knew the war changed him but anakin always open himself around her, she seen him at his best and worst, she knew he become paranoid and anxious ever since he have that dream he told her, she wonder if that is the reason of why she felt that wall surrounding him,
Often times padme felt him distancing himself, she sees the cold look on his eyes. But she refused to let him, she wouldn't let the short time they have together be wasted the break that they rarely have, it's their moment. Husband and wife.
It was hard not to notice that every time she tried to touch him, he would flinch, shame and insecurity would cross his eyes but it will be gone in a matter of second she almost missed it, he would recoil as if her touch pains him and every time he did it padme would feel hurt she dont know what's wrong he wont told her, and when he sees the hurt in her eyes he would snatch her hands and hold it closer to his chest, his grip tight as if he was trying to control himself not to push her away
But then he would surprise her by his sudden unexpected attacks - he would hug her from behind that would make her jump in surprised, his arms would cage her waist his nose buried in her curls, it would put a smile on her face - she remember anakin would always do this when he surprise her by his visit without any notice. Padme would caressed his head feel the soft messy hair in her fingers and she would hum a lullaby, she did this ever since anakin told her that his mother used to sing him a lullaby to calm him when he have a nightmare, padme tried her best to offer the same comfort he had once gotten.
Then when she thought he dont like physical contact anymore, he would surprise her by his hand wandering everywhere in her body, tracing his fingers in her skin that would make her feel goosebumps and tingles, he would occasionally pinch her as if he was testing that she's real, she'd realize that anakin recoil from physical contact unless he initiated it but he tried his best with her to overcome that, she still dont know why he's reacting that way, she wonder if he's reacting the same with other people.
Then strangest thing happen the more she observe him, her husband moves as if he's unfamiliar with his own body, he would suddenly stumble in his step for no apparent reason, padme would watch him pace around the room walking in circle like he's familiarizing himself, she laugh when he flips she enjoys the look on his face when his mouth mouthed an 'o' like he couldn't believe he did that, then padme would sometimes catch him looking at himself in the body mirror, he wore nothing except for his boxer, there is a distant look in his face.
But what bothers her more is his manner of speaking, anakin is someone she would say a blunt person, honest but a sharp tongue, sarcastic but funny, he say what he wants, it's what she loves from him, he never hide his intention with his words if he want something he would make it clear, his words is what make her fall in love, he never make her feel less or make her feel like she needs to be someone else, to be careful around him, his words make her feel special and as if she's the most beautiful person in the word. But it change her husband is aloof and quiet, when he speak it was calculated and formal, he never form a sentence longer than necessary. No matter how much she urge him to talk. To say something. Tell her what's going on. But he never wavers and to her frustration she couldn't read him like she used to she couldn't tell what's going on with his mind, what he's feeling. He never told her anything like he used to, but he assure her that everything is alright
But one thing that haven't change is his affection to his child in her, he still love caressing her growing belly, utter sweet words and promises, sometimes she can see him trying to connect with the baby in the force, when they make love he made sure that it wouldn't be too intenseworry that it would hurt the baby. when she's asleep she would wake up in a middle of a night to find her husband towering her figure his hand on her abdomen content on just watching her. Despite the changes his love for her and their child haven't change but this time he doesn't show it like it used to but she could feel it
And beyond all that padme can see the darkness and rage in his eyes as he stared far away - cast outside of their home, she didn't know what had occur to inquire such a wrath in him but she will never admit that it reminded her when he told her how he slaughtered the sand people and she fear what would this mean now. It unnerves her greatly
"Would the council look for you?" She asked
He was silent for a moment as if contemplating what he should say to her, then he shrugged "They wont"
Somehow padme doubt that with the continue search of grievous are closing in anakin are needed now more than ever and padme will soon go back to her work, the senate are in a brink of crumbling in padme need to be there and try to keep them all together to remind them of what truly matters- even if they refused to listen - she have to try
She walked towards him, his body faced the window staring at the jedi temple far awar, theres that frown in his face the scowl in his lips, the darkness in his eyes. Padme caressed his back, his shoulder tense at her touch
"Tell me what's on your mind" she says, her voice laced with worry
"Its nothing you needn't yourself to worry" finally his shoulder relax
"Thats a lie. You know I'll never stop worrying when it comes to you"
"What do you have to worry about?" He looks at her, theres a heavy dark circle under his eyes she wonder if its the nightmares that keep him awake at night or when he content himself at watching her that had cause him to lose enough sleep, as if he's afraid to close his eyes and wake up to find her gone, she dont remember how many times she have to tell him that she wont go anywhere but no matter how many times she said it, he just couldn't find it in himself to believe it. She knew anakin liked to watch her sleep before just like she content herself at watching him sleep in the morning but it wasn't that extreme, now she will wake up and find him in the same position, watching her as if it never cross his mind how long the time had passed or that he needed to sleep. It worry her so much.
"I want to know what's bothering you. You've change ani."
"I cant stress you enough." He leaned on and touches her growing belly, he didn't show any reaction when the baby kick, she wonder when was the last time she sees him smile "Its bad for the baby"
"Its already stressing me when you refused to open up with me. What happen before you return home?" He looked away, she sighed her hand went to his arms clutching the robe in her fingers "Ani..Don't do this, don't shut me out" her voice whisper in plea
His eyes shut tight, his walls building up again, leaving her out. Padme shakes her head tugging his robe to get his attention. then his shoulder sagged in defeat before he looked at her again, there are no bright glimmer in his eyes, padme lip tremble as she took at the sight of it. She feared this day would come, when she watch for the first time as he left to go and join the war, fearing that the man that will come back to her wont be the same man she marries, that he will lose the part of himself of what makes him, him. He was so young, yet he already sees too much a man his age shouldn't supposed to see or experience. It breaks her heart everytime seeing him lose the part of himself. His innocence, his hope. Every time when she looks at him not a day goes by as she entertain the thought of leaving everything behind, taking his hand and go somewhere, far away from this place, leave peacefully, to forget their duty, their war. It was a sweetest thought that will make her feel guilty and ashamed but not enough to remove the thought out of her head.
That every time anakin would ask her to leave somewhere just the two of them she would reject it every chance she get, every reason she could think of. she couldn't tell him the truth. That if she gives in and accept his offer, she may never wanted to return again, that she might become too selfish and keep him by her side for as long as it takes and gives in to the desire to forget.
He dont know how much she wished too
Just forget and leave
Take everything that they've been missing, the years that they were robbed of by the war, their duty.
She wanted to keep the little glimmer of his eyes as best as she could
She feared the day when she will finally give in to this desire and beg him to leave with her.
She feared that she was already too late
That anakin is already lost to her
His thumb brushes the single tear that left her eye, she didn't realize it was there. "Why are you crying?" He ask soft and gently, his brow frowning as if seeing her in this state pain and confuses him
Her eyes search his, she know him enough to see what his hiding, even if it is a mere glimpse. She sees the man so lonely, a man that has seen too much, more than anyone could possibly imagine and its breaking him apart, drowning in his own misery and grief, regret and hatred. She wonder again just what did he sees or experience that caused him this.
Padme felt helpless
"I want to help you" she says, "I want to sooth your pain, your sadness, how can i reassure you that you're not alone? That im here"
His stare intense as he dive in deeper to her soul "Will you?" He looked at her with bitterness yet wistful "Will you stay with me no matter what happen?"
"Yes" she says with no hesitation. He smile, but it wasn't that smile that he always shows her, it was a smile that she knew that is fake and it hurts to see him showing it to her.
He dont believe her
"I love you" she dont know what had drive her to say it out of the blue, but she wanted him to know this. Even if he doesn't believe anything he says anymore, please let him believe this.
He didn't return the words back like he used to, instead there was a hurt in his eyes, like he dont want to hear it. He's hunted by something. suddenly he pulled her into his arms caging her in. He was trembling, his heart beat louder in her ear as she pressed her face to his chest
"Stay. That's all you need to do. Just...stay with me. Dont- dont
leave me.." his voice cracked, he was crying as he says these words with desperation. His hold tighten, crashing her but she only return the same intensity as she hold onto him.
"I will" she promised
She dont know if theres any limit to that word but she knew in her heart that no matter what happen her love for him will remain. And that enough will keep her to stay
She already made that decision to stay in his life the moment she had utter those three words in geonosies - in the face of death, when he was all that matter. When she chooses him over everything when she marries him, despite the risk - the secret that will tear them apart. When she chooses to him despite the darkness growing inside him
Padme knew her husband more than everyone that she still stays when she knew the man that return to him was not the Anakin Skywalker she married. When the man she's holding is a stranger she knew nothing about
Yet she still stays
Because padme never had it in her heart to let go of the man she had loved.
She knew its not her husband
Just as he's aware that she knew the truth
Perhaps that's why he dont believe her
But she knew even if he doesn't
Nothing in this galaxy could ever make her leave.
Not again
He will make sure of it
Somewhere in mustafar is an ashes of a body