23Hi! I'm back with a new story. Just like before, I have no idea yet how this one will turn out.. but, I'm hoping you'd stay with me to see this one through.
I do have to warn you that heavy and triggering topics will be discussed in this story, such as- but not limited to: death, depression, suicide, addiction etc. Proceed with caution.
All mistakes are mine. Twilight though is Meyer's.
Ch. 1 - BPOV
It was the silence over the frantic noise around me that kept me awake at night.
"Checking for breathing and pulse!"
"Stand back!"
"1..2..3..CLEAR!"
"Ma'am we need you to stay calm.."
"Ma'am.. the doctors are doing everything they can.."
"…low oxygen level.. insufficient blood flow..."
"…didn't make it. I'm sorry.."
"Bella?"
I wince and blink rapidly, washing away all the memories that flashed through my mind. I look at the person in front of me. Focusing on her kind eyes and soft smile as she waits for me to respond to her question.
"How are you today?"
A simple question that I can't seem to have an answer to these days. What would be the correct answer when your world is constantly falling apart in front of you? When all you want to do is to scream and demand answers as to why this is happening to you?
This shouldn't have happened to me. I shouldn't be sitting across her desk, in this plain white room, answering her questions about how I am or how my week went. I should be spending this time in my house, cooking meals, and spending time with my family.
Family.
If you can even call it that.
The word used to bring so much hope and happiness in me. Now, it takes everything in me not to break down and throw the Newton Pendulum on the desk in front of me. I watch the balls swing in silence, as if mesmerized by the way they collide, its soft clicking sound loud through the room.
Click
Click
Click
I hear a distinct sound of pen scratching on paper and look up to see Dr Clearwater -or Leah as she wants me to call her- writing something down on her chart. She looks back at me, still waiting for my response.
I clear my throat, fingers rubbing against the tip of my nails on my lap.
"Okay" I say, "Fine. Great. Take your pick"
She tilts her head with a smile and I bite my lip, knowing she wants me to expand my answer. She has this rule in our sessions that words such as okay, fine, and great are not to be used in describing how we feel. She sticks to it and expects me to do the same. She says being straightforward and honest in saying how we feel would go a long way in achieving our end goal.
I understand it, but it's still a pain in the ass.
I sigh and narrow my eyes down my hands, "I'm.." I start, finding the right word for what I am feeling "..exhausted"
"What makes you feel exhausted?"
"Everything" I say quietly then look around the room before looking back at her, "I almost didn't go today"
"Why did you?"
I shrug, "Figured I already paid you the big bucks" I smirk, "Wouldn't want that to go to waste"
"Would you like the option to refund?" She offers, just like in our previous sessions and just like then, I hesitate before shaking my head.
She nods her head and patiently waits for me to take control of the conversation. It takes me a few minutes before succumbing to her.
"He signed the papers" I say, looking down at my hands and doing my best to block the image of the mail that was delivered at my doorstep yesterday.
I hear the pen once more, "how did that make you feel"
"what do you think" I say sarcastically
"I'd like you to tell me" sha responds evenly
I shake my head, blinking against the tears threatening to spill from my eyes, "I.." I clench my eyes shut, "I feel like a damn failure." I huff as I open my eyes, wiping away the tears that escaped from them, "l don't even know why.. when I saw the signed papers.. it just broke me.." I whisper, "it.. broke me to pieces and it hurts so fucking much that it was hard to breathe.." I breathed out, "The worst part was knowing I was the one who pushed him to sign them.. I was the one who filed for the divorce.. and yet-." I stop as I close my eyes and shake my head once more, dejectedly.
It takes a moment before Leah responds, "Just because you filed for it doesn't mean you have no right to grieve the life you once had and wished for"
I snort and look down at my hands. "I made vows and I didn't follow through them"
"Do you think it would've been best if you stayed together?"
I take a moment to think of the life I had, we had leading to the divorce. From the day we lost her. The months following that. All the arguments and fights we had where we failed to see each other eye to eye and where careless and hurtful words were thrown at each other. I think of the days that seemed to blur into one as I barely saw him home at all. I remember all the excuses he would make as he took early days and late nights at work. I think of the lonely nights where I curl myself to sleep, clenching her blanket to my chest, crying for the life that was lost and the life that was crumbling before me. I think of him and his green eyes that I used to love so much, once filled with life and color that slowly became lifeless and worn in front of me.
I feel my eyes water once more, "No" I shake my head, brushing away my tears with the back of my thumb, "We would ruin each other.. I was already on my way to ruining him.." I say, "He doesn't deserve that.. He deserves better"
"Why do you think you were ruining him?"
I feel the tears fall to my cheeks as the image of his tired lifeless eyes stare back at mine, "I.. I saw how life slowly left him.." I say with my voice trembling, "every.. everyday leading to the divorce.. since.. since that day…" I let out a shaky breath as I clench my eyes shut, forcing my mind to shut down the memories of the day that turned our lives upside down, "I watched as I sucked all the life out of him.. his.. his eyes…" I shake my head, "It killed me.. when I saw how much hurt I am causing him as I held on to him..."
"So you filed for a divorce?"
"I know he wouldn't do it.." I nod my head as I look back at her, "so I did it for him.." I say barely above a whisper, "he deserves to be happy.. I want him to be happy… I would do just about anything to bring the life back in his eyes.." I smile without any hint of humor, "..even if it means removing myself from the equation."
More?
Let me know what you think.