I can't sleep 'cause it's burning deep inside

Like gasoline on fire running wild

No more fear 'cause I'm getting closer now

So unreal but I like it anyhow

He kept willing the Bentley to go faster and faster as if that was merely going to happen by sheer willpower, in his case not entirely impossible, done before, yet the car itself was seemingly trying to smother the great fire that burned… oh so deep it burned…

I go faster and faster and faster and faster

And faster and faster and faster

Yet it wasn't an easy fire to fight with, that was for sure. Crowley was not going to admit it but deep down it was burning away his own remaining desire to live just a while longer. And yes, fuck the cowardly way out, he had it still floating around his mind. The small thinly voice tempting him with all of the things he wasn't even supposed to be near thinking about.

Laudanum was still fresh in his memory… ish - he hated the idea but loved the way it led his train of thought when it wasn't about how to claim a good bottle of holy water.

Sometimes he believed in the ways of human species and longed hard and deep for that momentarily relief. Not something either Angel or Demon could truly gain same effects from. He'd drunk enough whiskey, wine and whatnot to go blind and stupid had his body been human, okay well, dead would be more likely outcome.

He needed something stronger and the only thing his brain came up with was the laudanum.

Speed no longer gave him any emotions other that unfathomable rage that was eating him so ravenously his fire seemed to start fading. If not for some clever miracles surrounding the Bentley he'd wavered into seven busses, five trucks, eleven trains, eight buildings and probably would be on the way to the bottom of the river. The imagination was something he'd considered strong tool, it's been supplying his abilities for doing a bit more than average demon and so far saved their asses more than was possible to count.

Crowley couldn't avoid the searing pain that came after he decided to leave his plants with the both girls. It had taken two roundabouts of the neighbourhood after making sure Aziraphale would not return but he knew he was so far from that one to change their mind.

Crowley may have had several rage episodes aimed at the plants but sometimes he just couldn't control his emotions. Rage was particularly a tough bastard, it loved to smother and choke, drown and twist, he always fell for that one the hardest.

Sadness tended to side with grief and guilt and that one always ended up in a fog misery. Better not to dwell on it too much.

The emotional inferno continued to stab long sharp talons through his heart and for good measure above all of the other feelings currently yet he truly loved his plants as they were the only few things left in his life he cared for. He did threaten them many times and even put up a fiery punishments if they dared as much as get a spot on their leaves or worse. Most of the times it's always been a little show, he'd just taken a plant out of a pot and left it by the door and later picked it up with a couple of glares so it wouldn't dare to snitch on his secretly too soft heart.

But he did yell, scream, hysterically and maniacally burst out of his raging emotions.

And I can't live in a fairytale of lies

And I can't hide from the feeling 'cause it's right

And I go faster and faster and faster and faster for life

I can't live in a fairytale of lies

Yet he still felt like some messed up monster which he still was, so far one thing never changed.

And he wanted to scream louder and burn deeper. The memory of being so happy and so excited for his nebulae and then being told it's just momentarily for enjoyment and not as special as it was for him. It crushed him more than he dared to admit so what followed after asking questions only ate him more until the Fall obliterated the rest of him.

Now Aziraphale, his only friend and secretly a love interest for many millennia, someone he held more dear and loved than himself, played the worst game in the history of existence and decided that his ways can change something that has been rotten to the very bone for longer than anything else under the sun.

The searing cold pain from that one hurt more deep than anything he'd ever felt, not even Falling, he considered holy water would't even mildly each that level of hurt. Not even discorporation ever would.

It felt like betrayal, hurt like one for sure, yet he did hear his friend and truly understood the other side of the story.

Not that the angel wasn't suffering his own troubles, sure that was happening for whatever reasons… just that he'd chose to decide out of panicking and rushing. Not that heaven liked waiting. Still not being all confident and still so naive in his false hopes to fix what was broken since the beginning.

Crowley has been that naive young angel once, with all lights and shiny sparkling hopes. He fucking got burned to crisp for all that.

An angry scream broke from his throat and he let out a shaky wail. No longer paying attention to the road all he had was the pain and hopelessness that started to choke him and he so badly wanted to just let go.

Maybe he could try a rather ungraceful flip off some countryside cliff, or take a dip somewhere and hope to just somehow miraculously die for real…

He wanted to die. Already considering himself disgrace of existence he would allow himself to perish in whatever way…

Oh how he wished for that…

He couldn't. Too much was at stake now with his angel going back and trying to fix things his way when it was more than clear nothing ever will be.

He had to stay put in case his help was needed or… worse… angel was certainly in danger but the exact amount was not yet clear. He didn't wanna go there just yet even if his hackles were up.

The pain returned with more fire and more acid than he expected and his foot pushed incredibly hard. The feeling of speed ceased to satisfy his emotional instability and now the regret and sorrow and all of the cold feels swamped him from other side so effectively his entire being drew blank for a moment…

I go faster and faster and faster and faster

And faster and faster and faster

The rush of speed.

Usually a strong and grounding feeling that gave enough of the adrenaline spike to act as a decent drug. Nothing stood by laudanum or some superb booze marathon.

He'd experimented since the Fall. Tried out stuff and then discovered more stuff.

As a demon his body wasn't as easily persuaded in the feeling of high. Drugs did work but for a short moment, his corporation held against influences yet it still could be ended just as well. However as discoveries went it seemed overdosing super strong opiates and drug mixtures built for truly serious pain management gave him the needed moment of minor emotional recalibration. And that was the beginning of a short fall of his own before he decided to at least give this life a shot.

For some reason it was dark on his eyes.

Darkness on Earth came easier than heaven and he found it as something worth to appreciate.

Something his corporation had to deal with was occasional and lately not so stabbing pain in his head.

Even before he had them and he liked cosmos for the soothing starlight and calming colours but not the harsh sterile whiteness of the Heaven offices. It always brought on many issues that didn't stop at debilitating pain insulting his brain for mere existence. At times he wondered his wings weren't okay or his spine, something hurt badly so he tucked his wings away. Then he begun feeling other pain and eventually decided it was the Fall to blame and something else for his light sensitivity issues and what he now knew called migraines.

Yet it made no sense.

Slurry gurgling sound made it feel like a mountain creek rushing down after a snowmelt or rain shower. That made less sense than the complete fog in his head and zero light. He hated bright lights with the passion and his head for some reason didn't help with that but not having light was concerning at some level yet should probably be more alarming.

Slowly a new sensation trickled in and his nose nearly itched. A smell that was scary for humans but absolutely not for demons. And it made him think what was his car supposed to run with as he wasn't clear on if he's ever filled his Bentley's tank or it just kept running on his conviction that she was a feisty lady with a soul that somehow had taken liking to Aziraphale.

I can feel that you mesmerize my heart

I feel so free, I'm alive, I'm breaking out

I won't give in, 'cause I'm proud of all my scars

And I can see I've been wasting too much time

In his mind he was screaming for the angel but in reality his body was being rather annoying by expressing dislike for being handled the wrong way.

A weird noise from one of his sides caused a great deal of sudden surge in mild worry. The fog in his brain kept dancing like he'd gone to a Yule ball with Azi and decided they'd get drunk instead.

Did he ended up finding laudanum? What was going on?

Something felt like bumping Crowley's side and he briefly wondered if he'd turned snake or it was just a mirage in his deceitful brain. Damn that thing, he decided. Who needs brain like that, he grumbled internally.

While his head wasn't the most trusted right this moment he still tried to connect with the rest of his body and he certainly started to allow mild panic. His legs weren't there, one of his arms that probably was folded underneath his own body wasn't connected all the way to his senses, there was a gaping hole where something was meant to be and he decided has been before. It was just too hard to remember all of his body parts. And of course the lack of fire was finally settling in. As in the afterthought of the events he took his time to wallow in it but then he felt it. A gentlest of touches to his ethereal form and he knew it then and there.

He'd finally done it. He crashed his beloved car that he drove through the fire and she exploded but was back the next day-that-shouldn't-be. It was okay and he was so happy. Even lived in it. The car. His other only friend…

His only remaining friend.

Her body crumpled in a ditch like his own. She will never forgive him such behavior.

He will never forgive himself.

The trail of thought faded and he knew it's all his fault. He was being self-destructively selfish in his pain and grief over loosing Aziraphale. His angel was naive and he'd known it, always. It was the front of their friendship… whatever else, love?

He made his speech and act and hoped to change the situation but he was naive too. Thinking this celestial being will take all the hints when he only took them when a random person literally had to spell it for him.

Stupid was he. An absolute arse and plain idiot. Like humans. He loved them but now the fact he had become like them burned anew in his heart.

Why would he even want to exist anymore?

Such an embarrassment of his kind.


He always has been this way. Regardless of of what particularly was his kind. Even as an Angel he tended to be just dumb thinking few questions can't hurt, yet they did not only hurt but also cost him terribly much.

What kind of an idiot does that take?

Okay maybe just his kind. Crowley the spectacular kind of idiot. Sounds perfect!

Without any idea of time passing he duly noted the lack of anything and mildly wished to have taken to laudanum and just let it go. Not the dying cause demon and all but the rest of it. He needed more alcohol, extraordinary lots of that. And to apologize his Bentley.

But first to get out of this mess and make it right. A little righter? Nah, can't be all too right, not to draw an attention when he felt like destroying Hell itself.

Anger management maybe? Load of bullshit but you never know.

Ahh.. maybe just keep drowning in his hurts and forget world existed for a couple of centuries. Helped before maybe still can help?

Who was he kidding? He couldn't let that happen. Now he must remain vigilant of both sides more than ever and do whatever was in his power to set things right. Sounded better than being who he was wishing to be.

Yet his angel would need help at some point, maybe even a drink after Heaven takes his goodwill the wrong way. Maybe he could wiggle his way up and be of help.

Too many thoughts, before he realized the light and fire was back.

Not that literally maybe but something changed. The Bentley purred and he dared to open his eyes.

A green land and gentle crush of waves.

What the…?!

But the thought was left unfinished as he realized what had happened.

"Aziraphale you fine asshole!" Crowley yelped. "And you Car!" he added. Blasted things always getting their way. However he did smile and then started to laugh hysterically with tears springing to his eyes. Maybe the hope has always had a way even with someone like him…

And I can't live in a fairytale of lies

And I can't hide from the feeling 'cause it's right

And I go faster and faster and faster and faster for life

I can't live in a fairytale of lies

A fairytale of lies!