Author Note-Updated- I have updated the pairing and warnings to fully encompass the whole story. Content warnings are for the whole story and are not listed for individual chapters. If you happen to see a notification of a previously posted chapter, I'm just editing. Content won't be changed overall. Just fixing my mistakes. Hope you enjoy the story. Leave me a comment and let me know what you think.
Pairings- Sirius/Remus, Pre Harry/Draco, Justin/Ernie/Hannah, Ron/Hermione, Ginny/Dean, Luna/Neville. Very light Harry/George (though it is mostly friendship.)
Warnings- Child abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual) Child Neglect, mental illness (depression, anxiety, PTSD, phobia's, OCD) suicidal thoughts/ideation, suicide attempt, self-harm, Drug/Potion use/ abuse, alcohol use/abuse, smoking, swearing, torture, war, death.
Disclaimer- Any recognizable character's, locations, and storylines belong to JKR. This story is mine. Please do not copy or post to other sites.
Summary-Harry Returns to the Dursley's after fifth year. Already struggling with loss and then a cruel family, a braking point soon sends Harry running. The Order of the Phoenix is rocked by several revelations. Life is changing and war is coming.
Chapter 1
Leaving Hogwarts
Harry Potter sat on his four-poster bed in his dormitory. His bloodshot green eyes shined with unshed tears. He knew he needed to finish packing his trunk and prepare to leave Hogwarts. He just couldn't seem to find any real reason to. The Hogwarts express would be leaving in about an hour, but all Harry could think about was Sirius. One moment he had been standing right there and the next he was gone.
Two days ago Harry had been tricked by Voldemort. He had broken into Harry's mind and had shown Sirius being tortured. Harry had tried to contact Sirius by floo, but he and his friends had been caught by Dolores Umbridge. Harry couldn't stop playing the whole day over in his head. He had felt his scar burning all day. He should have known, he kept telling himself. He had raged at Headmaster Dumbledore. His grief of losing Sirius. His anger at being kept in the dark all year. Then being told the prophecy. A prophecy that firmly laid the weight of the Wizarding world on his shoulders. He knew he would have to kill or die.
"Harry, mate?" Ron's voice broke Harry from his circling thoughts. He quickly forced all the emotions down behind the familiar wall of numb.
Harry raised his head and met the bright blue eyes of his best friend Ron Weasley. Ron's hair was in slight disarray like he had been running his hands through it. His uniform was a mess. Robes gone, shirt half untucked, tie pulled loose. He had dark circles under his eyes that showed just how little sleep he had gotten. Harry knew he looked about the same.
"We need to head to the train. Hermione is waiting in the common room for us." Ron said. His voice was scratchy and rough from days of quiet whispers in the hospital wing.
Harry felt the guilt well up in his chest. Ron had spent the last two days in the hospital wing with Hermione. They had both been wounded at the Department of Mysteries. Both were released this morning with strict orders to go home and rest.
Harry swallowed hard and gave Ron a tight nod.
He climbed off his bed and glanced around. He grabbed the few items sitting on his bed and tossed them in his trunk before slamming the lid. Harry raised his wand and cast a locking spell on his trunk and then a shrinking charm. When the trunk was the size of a match box, he picked it up from the floor and stuck it in his pocket.
When Harry turned back to Ron, he had a questioning look on his face with one eyebrow raised. Harry shied away from the look. He knew Ron was simply confused by the action. However, the ever-growing guilt in Harry's chest and the lump in his throat didn't allow him to verbally respond to his best mate. He merely nodded again and walked past Ron.
Harry made his way slowly down the stairs into the common room. He spotted a head of bushy brown hair near the fireplace and headed in that direction.
Hermione was sitting on their favorite couch in the common room. Her face was pale, and her eyes looked exhausted. She turned her face up as she heard Harry walk up beside her. Her eyes scanned over Harry and then glanced past him to Ron standing just behind him.
"Well, we should go." Hermione said with a tight smile. She slowly pulled herself to her feet with a slight wince. She reached out for her trunk that was sitting in front of her. Instead her hand bumped into Harry's clammy one that had shot out and already grabbed the handle of her trunk. Her eyes shifted over to Harry's face, but it was oddly blank. Her eyes shot to Ron who just gave her a half shrug.
Harry headed to the portrait hole with Hermione's trunk. Ron held out his arm for Hermione. She hesitated for a few moments then reached out and took his arm. A slight blush touching her cheeks, bringing some color to her near ghostly pallor. Ron dragged his trunk behind him. He helped steady a slightly shaky Hermione as they followed Harry out of the common room, then down the many staircases of Hogwarts. When they reached the front gates, they were met with a carriage. They quickly loaded their trunks. Shortly Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, and Ron's sister Ginny joined them.
The ride to Hogsmeade station was nearly silent, everyone lost in their own thoughts. As the group gathered their trunks and headed to the train, they were swallowed by happy chatter all around them. Hogwarts was officially on summer holiday, everyone was making last minute plans with friends and saying their goodbyes.
Harry's head was low. He tried to remind himself to take deep breaths. He did not want to have another emotional breakdown like the one he'd had in the headmaster's office. He felt like he had exploded with everything else in the office. His magic had whipped around wildly in his grief and rage. It had been terrifying and amazing at the same time to have such a show of magic.
His eyes flicked up for a moment to scan the crowd. For just a moment as he went to step onto the train behind Ron, his green eyes locked with obsidian ones. Professor Severus Snape was standing a short distance away. His face was a blank mask. Harry held his gaze for only a moment. As he felt a wave of mixed emotions well up inside of him, he quickly climbed onto the train.
Harry found the compartment his friends were in. Harry took the seat next to the window. Hermione sat between him and Ron. Ron held Hermione as he had since they had left the common room. Across from him sat Neville. There was a set to his jaw and a fire in his eyes. It was like he was aging in front of Harry's eyes. This whole year had seen Neville grow a lot. Harry suspected that he would have a lot to discuss with his grandmother when he returned home.
Luna sat next to Neville with an upside-down Quibbler open in her lap. At the end across from Ron was Ginny. She was reading a letter. Harry could only assume it was from Dean. Harry had overheard Dean telling Seamus that he was going to ask Ginny out and hoped that Ron wouldn't hex his bollocks off for it.
Harry wished he could feel amused by the memory, but the emotions all seemed to be locked away. He would feel the beginning of the emotion like he should roll his eyes or laugh or smile. Then it felt like it was all lost to him now. He just felt numb. And under the numbness were all the emotions he felt he needed to get out. With a final glance around the compartment his eyes turned to the window just as the train pulled away from the station.
Harry let out a long sigh. He was leaving home again. He had not fought the headmaster on sending him home this year. After the horrors this year and his lashing out, he didn't even want to stay at the castle. Even if some part of him still felt that it was home. He did not want to return to Privet Drive. He was not prepared for a summer with his relatives. Last summer had been his hardest summer so far after the tri-wizard tournament, Voldemort's return and Cedric's death he had truly suffered last summer. But even all of that could not compare to the absolute hopelessness he felt now. Losing Sirius had broken something deep in him. He had not only lost a friend and a father figure, but he had lost hope that he would ever have a family.
Harry loved the Weasley's, and he considered them to be like family but at the end of the day they were his best mates' family. He also dreaded how he might be received after getting two of their children hurt. He had led them into so much danger. And it had all been for nothing. It felt like such a waste. He had left to save Sirius. He had gone to the Ministry to save someone he loved. He had fought Death Eaters and he had dragged his friends with him. But it was all a lie. Sirius was only there because Harry had been there. Sirius had come to save him. Sirius had loved him. Harry felt like he had betrayed Sirius and his friends.
Harry closed his eyes. Everyone in the train car was quietly resting. They were all still healing from battle. He felt his heart throb. He was responsible for their pain. He would pay for that pain this summer. He would pay for it in blood, sweat and tears at his relatives. And he knew there would not be rescue by the Weasley's this year. He needed to move himself away from all of them. He couldn't get anyone else killed.
"Hermione, I set Hedwig off this morning to the Burrow. Ron can send her to you, and she can stay for the summer. I wasn't sure how your parents would feel about an owl just showing up." Harry said quietly but quickly.
Hermione gave Harry a tight smile.
"They like Hedwig, I'll make sure she's taken care of. Are you sure you don't want her with you?"
Harry didn't even have to think about it. He shook his head. He knew that it was only luck that she had survived this long at the Dursley's. He didn't want to risk it this summer.
"Okay." Hermione whispered back. She leaned her head on Ron's shoulder and closed her eyes. Harry felt sick again. He knew she was hurting. Hopefully Hedwig would be a way she could stay in contact with Ron and the Order this summer. He was Hopeful it would keep her safe this summer.
With a long sigh Harry pressed his forehead against the window. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind. He wanted to scream as the words came to him.
'Clear your mind'. Snape had screamed it at him over and over. He had failed. He had failed and Sirius had died because of it.
Severus Snape watched as the Hogwarts students boarded the train. His eyes scanned over the crowd. The headmaster had insisted that all the heads of house saw the students off this year. A job that was usually only undertaken by Minerva McGonagall as deputy headmistress and Hagrid. Severus watched as a few of his snakes walked by, heads together in hushed whispers. No doubt discussing the recent incarceration of several of their fathers. Draco was in the middle with an air of unconcerned calmness on his face. As Draco's eyes glanced up to meet Severus's his brow creased in concern for just a moment showing his true feelings on the situation before sliding back to neutral.
Severus had hoped to take Draco aside before the end of the year. To have a serious conversation with him. Severus was well aware that the Dark Lord had taken up residence in Malfoy Manor. Draco was in danger, whether he realized it yet or not was uncertain. However, with Potter's latest escapade, Severus had not had a moment to breathe let alone take his godson aside.
A flash of unruly black hair caught Severus' eye. Speaking of the devil Severus thought ruthlessly. Potter was lagging behind Granger and the Weasley children. Severus wondered if they were all headed to the Burrow for the summer holiday. It would likely be safest to keep them all together, despite the trouble they all managed. Suddenly Severus' breath caught in his chest as green eyes flashed up to meet his.
Potter was easy for Severus to dismiss as the arrogant spawn of James Potter until he caught sight of his eyes. Lily's beautiful emerald green eyes. Severus noticed how sunken and hollow his eyes looked. Like the eyes of a man who had been kissed by a dementor. Severus kept his face blank while he tried to understand what he was seeing in Potter's usually easy to read face. But in a flash the eyes were gone again, and Potter had disappeared onto the train.
Severus took a deep breath. Trying to shake the uncomfortable feeling in his chest. His mind would not let go of the look on the Potter boy's face, however.
Severus watched as the last few students loaded their trunks onto the train. He knew this would be the last day of relative peace he would have for a long time to come. With the Dark Lord back and out in the open and The Order of the Phoenix running again, the summer would be long and likely painful. Severus eyed the length of the platform. Pomona Sprout and Filius Flitwick were chatting quietly as they waved to a few students on the train as it pulled out of the station. Minerva was just stepping past him on her way back to the school.
"Minerva." Severus said, as a way of greeting as he stepped in stride with her on his way back to the castle.
"Severus." Minerva replied glancing over curiously.
"Would you care to join me for a drink?" Severus asked stiffly, not meeting her eye.
Severus needed someone to vent to. Despite his cold demeanor he and Minerva had developed a friendship over their years of teaching together. Minerva simply nodded. They walked in quick steps back to the castle in companionable silence.
When they reached the castle Minerva glanced at Severus. He nodded in the direction of the dungeons. He needed more time to think and what he wished to speak about he wanted his wards. They made quick work of the many staircases down to Severus' quarters.
As they reached the dark wood door Severus laid his palm on the door. It swung open, and in a billow of robes he walked into his rooms. Minerva was quick to follow and close the door tightly. She raised her wand and tapped the inside of the door and added her own silencing spells. She knew that Severus was likely to get rather loud.
Severus stalked across the living room and opened a cabinet and removed a bottle of firewhisky. He summoned two short glasses as he all but collapsed into his favorite armchair. His shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes as he allowed his head to fall back against the chair.
Minerva looked over her young colleague. For a man who wasn't yet forty he looked as though the past year had aged him ten. She took a seat close to him on the couch. Forgoing the other armchair, she would typically take. She reached out and gently took the two glasses from his hand and set them on the table.
The motion of the glasses leaving his hand had Severus's eyes flying open and his head snaping up. He gave a severe glare at Minerva. Then he took the top off the firewhisky and poured a healthy amount in each glass. He replaced the cap of the bottle and set it on the table in front of them. He flicked his wand at the fireplace in front of him. He first cast a charm to block access to his floo. Then lit the fire. He did not want to be bothered by anyone else this evening. He leaned forward and collected his glass and took a sip. Then rested his forearms on his thighs. His head tipped forward, lank hair hiding his face.
"Severus?" Minerva had never seen the man so out of sorts. He was usually so collected. She suspected that he was the most open with her. Although she never really understood why. But this display was closer to what she would expect from one of her students than one of her colleagues.
Severus glanced up through his hair. Minerva had her trademarked sternness on her face. However, her pinched eyebrows and slightly shining eyes showed that she was concerned. Concerned for him? He wondered. Concerned about her lions? Potter? The wizarding world in general? Severus pushed the thoughts to the back of his mind and pulled himself back up into a more respectable position. His head held high, and one leg quickly crossed the other. He held his glass of firewhisky in his left hand and his wand in his right. Taking one more sip of his drink he took a deep breath he turned his attention to his companion.
"Minerva I'm…" Severus cut himself off trying to come up with the right word. What was he feeling? Concerned? Worried? Terrified? He didn't know. He felt like a wave was coming, ready to drown him. Severus cleared his throat and tried again.
"Things are only going to get worse from here. I'm sure you can feel it coming?" Severus said he was still a little unsure of himself. He looked at Minerva. She nodded back.
"I'm concerned about some of the students. Hell, I'm concerned for myself. This latest disaster of Potter's has changed many things." He spat out the 'Potter' as if it offended him. Severus looked into the fire. The dead looking green eyes filled his mind again. Severus shook his head.
"Which students are you concerned about Severus? The children of Death Eaters? The Muggle-borns who could become targets over the summer? The children who already fought the Death Eaters this week? Many of them shouldn't even be out of the hospital. Poppy only released them so that they could take the train and rest at home. I have no doubt that she would have kept the whole lot in the hospital wing for a week if the term hadn't ended." Minerva said with an edge to her voice. Severus was almost certainly speaking about his own students. Many who would be going home to fathers in Azkaban and mother's trying to placate an angry Voldemort.
"I'm concerned for all of them Minerva." Severus said in a clipped tone. He didn't appreciate her acting as if he only cared for his own students. He had a role to play in this war. A role he had played since the last war. He had to be the loyal Death Eater. However, Minerva knew better.
"Did you see Potter today?" Severus asked abruptly.
"I didn't. As far as I could tell he never left the tower after the students returned from the Ministry. He didn't even leave to visit the others in the hospital wing. I was dealing with a group of unruly first year Hufflepuffs at the station. Why?" Minerva said. She watched Severus's face closely as she spoke.
"Are he and Miss. Granger headed to the Burrow with the Weasley's?" Severus continued his own line of thinking. Not wanting to jump ahead of himself.
"No, Albus always insists Potter returns home every summer. Something about maintaining the wards. As far as Miss. Granger, I'm unsure. I imagine she will join the Weasley's at some point this summer. However, her injuries were quite severe. I imagine she will want to be home with her parents for a few weeks." Minerva said.
Severus sighed at this. At least there were wards on Potters house. He just hoped they would hold if the Dark lord decided to go after him. Severus was concerned about how things were about to go. The Dark lord had been exposed and according to Albus he had temporarily possessed Potter. With many of his inner circle in Azkaban including Pettigrew who knew what would happen next.
Severus sighed again. The anger at the whole situation began to boil in his veins. He jumped to his feet as he began to let it out.
"What am I supposed to do Minerva? Albus wants me as a spy. He wants me to keep an eye on the Potter brat. He wants me to work with the Slytherins to keep some of them following there parents without blowing my cover. And! And! He wants me to somehow get along with the Order? How Minerva? How?" Severus was yelling now and pacing in front of the fireplace.
"Malfoy and Pettigrew getting caught at the ministry will not bode well. I can guarantee there will be a mass breakout. I'm already going to be in hot water for not being there. And on top of that I'm sure The Dark Lord is now aware of Potter's lessons this year." Severus growled as he collapsed back into his chair. His temper was burning it's self out being washed away with a sting of fear. He brought up his occlumency shields. He couldn't afford the fear right now. He needed to plan.
"Severus, you cannot put the weight of all of this on yourself. Albus expects too much from you. We both know he has manipulated us with everything he can get ahold of. He truly believes that the ends justify the means and that all is necessary for the greater good. He means well but sometimes I wonder if he forgets we are people who are suffering. I'm just out of the hospital myself. He did check in on me, But…." Minerva trailed off in thought. Her hand raised to her chest.
" Are you alright Minerva? I'm sorry I didn't check in with you. Albus informed me that you were doing ok. Was he wrong?" Severus asked quietly. A new wave of fear and anger growing in his chest.
"No…No, I'm fine Severus. I appreciate your concern. Albus was right I am well. I just wish he could have waited to ask me to see the children off. He practically asked in the same breath he asked how I was." Minerva gave a dry chuckle and lifted her drink to her lips.
Severus relaxed his shoulders and sat back in his chair. He would never admit it but, he needed Minerva. She had an almost mother quality to her. They were friends. Truly the closest friend he had if he was honest with himself.
"Why were you asking about Mr. Potter?" Minerva asked.
Severus just shook his head.
"I know the boy acted recklessly." Minerva sighed. She had spent the last five years listening to Severus talk about how spoiled and privileged Harry was. How he is a constant rule breaker. She knew that Harry had in fact gotten away with more than other students would have been allowed. She also was able to acknowledge how much the poor boy had gone through at the school since he had come.
"Reckless? Reckless? Is that really the word you want to go with? He took five other students not only out of the castle but all the way to the Ministry. Then if that's not enough two of the five other students were younger students. It's no longer enough for him to put Mister Weasley and Miss Granger's lives on the line he is now taking younger students' and putting them in harm's way. For Merlin's sake they went looking for a fight with Death Eaters. And for what? Black?!" Severus snarled.
Severus was up and pacing again. He took a long swig of his drink and set his glass heavily down on the table.
"The idiot wasn't even there! Potter couldn't close his mind and might as well have a welcome sign on it." Severus growled thinking about all the time he had wasted trying to teach the dunderheaded Gryffindor.
"Now Severus, we both know that this year was far from normal. The boy did what he thought he needed to do." Minerva said tightly. It had been a shock for her to learn last year that not only was Sirius not guilty but, that the one who had been responsible for James and Lily's betrayal had been hiding in her own house amongst her students. She had always had a soft spot for that particular group of Gryffindors. Despite all the trouble they caused.
"And Really Severus, Sirius is dead. James is dead. Peter is in Azkaban where he belongs. How long are you going to hold onto that schoolboy grudge.
Severus sighed and fell back into his chair before quickly refilled their glasses.
"I don't know Minerva." Severus said with another sigh. He took a long drink and felt the burn in his throat.
"I honestly don't know how to let it go. I… I had words with James shortly before they went into hiding." Severus revealed.
Minerva raised an eyebrow at that.
"I was in the headmaster's office when James and…and Lily came to talk to Albus about going under the Fidelius." Severus said, his eyes got a slightly faraway look in them.
"I excused myself. We had already discussed our business. Just as I reached the door James called out to me. He actually called me by name. No hurtful name calling. When I turned, he was standing close behind me holding his hand out. He…He thanked me for telling Albus about the plan to go after them." Severus nearly whispered.
Severus quickly cleared his throat.
"It was the last time I saw Lily. When I left the office Black was outside holding the brat. He didn't say anything, he just glared and then nodded. Potter looked up at me with those eyes. So like Lily's…gave me a big grin." Severus said and then let out a long breath.
" I don't know. The whole thing was so different from any other interaction I had with them. I don't believe that Black remembered the interaction after his time locked up. After the Potters were killed I tried to not think about that moment. I hadn't seen Lily in so long before. We didn't even talk. She gave me a half smile over James' shoulder. Then they were dead." Severus took another deep breath and a long drink of his firewhisky.
"Then when their son came to school all I could see was James and his cruelness. They were all so cruel. I guess maybe we moved past it before their deaths, but I just didn't know how to accept it. And when Black came back, Lupin was teaching here. I just couldn't deal with it." Severus Sighed again and leaned back in his chair.
They Sat in companionable silence for a while before Minerva excused herself late in the evening. Severus stayed in his chair for hours thinking about the past.