Just Your Average Halo/Star Wars Mega Ultimate Wholesome Big Chungus Keanu Reeves Multiverse Crossover In The Year 2024

Admiral Must-Ache Twirl'er Dumazz stared out of the triangular panes of transparisteel of the uber super mega nova bomber cruiser. These primitive -Terrans- (pretend that's a strikethrough since FF dot net doesn't allow those) Earthlings thought they could have a right to exist peacefully. They even used projectile weapons! It's not like the superior Third Galactic Imperium Republic of Confederates would ever, EVER, use projectile weapons or mass drivers or anything of the sort. In fact, they had removed the words: projectile, slug, gun, missile, rocket, dart, and other such primitive language from their dictionaries. THAT was how proud they were of their much superior not-actually-lasers-its-plasma-but-there-are-still-also-lasers-before-you-say-anything TRUE TECHNOLOGY. These glorified SPACE MONKEYS shouldn't have even been able to CONCEIVE of the idea of space travel but by some fluke they were and also were able to blow up a gerjillion planets with HYPERBOMBS. That was a head scratcher to say the least.

"It's time you space apes surrender!" Dumazz smirked, confident in the biggaton calcs done by the most studious users on the space battles forum.

"Shut up Dumazz!" High Fleet Supreme Overlord Admiral McBadass American Admiral yelled. Oh, did I also forget to mention in the twenty thousand word timeline and codex (fancy words for exposition infodump) that they're not the UNSC or UEG anymore? They're actually the GZJKY Species Coalition. Try to figure out what that means, I haven't. They're also still basically the UNSC and everything is run by Humans because I kinda forgot about the other species. Also ONI (y'know, one of the most effective branches during the Insurrection and Covenant War?) got disbanded because they were mean, or something. Thanks Karen Traviss for killing off Mara Jade and not reading source material for franchises you want to write for! At least Troy Denning did better with his transition from Star Wars to Halo.

"Huh? You guys speak Basic?"

"Ummm, you mean English?! You stupid Brits never learn. We will show you how to wage REAL war where people die FOR REAL. We will use NUKULAR BOMBS, CHEMICALL WEAPONS, and INCINDIARYU DEVICES! ALSO WE will UNLEASH our MOST POWERFUL weapon, THE UPGRADED SCORPION MODEL: the Not-An-Abrams/Merkava(gross)/Leopard/Challenger with such innovations as A HUMAN LOADER (Okay, seriously what's up with people not liking autoloaders?) and WHATEVER MILITARY TECHNOLOGY I JUST SAW ON THE COMBATFOOTAGE SUBREDDIT (I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE BLEED OUT ON DRONE FOOTAGE AND DEHUMANIZING THE ENEMY)! Are you ready for such military tactics as YELLING LOUDLY, RUNNING STRAIGHT AT EACH OTHER, and FORGETTING ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE OCCASIONAL LINE ABOUT BOMBERS/ARTY/OR LITERALLY ANY OTHER FACET OF WARFARE ABOUT ANYTHING BESIDES INFANTRY AND TANKS SHOOTING AT EACH OTHER? Did I mention how awesome -AMERICA- (pretend that's a strikethrough since FF dot net doesn't allow those) EARTH RUN BY AMERICA is?"

Admiral Dumazz was practically shaking himself out of his space fascist jackboots as he jumped into the arms of his captain.

"Pee-yew!" The captain remarked at seeing the soiled jodhpurs which hung in his arms.

"Oh I never should have belonged to a franchise based on World War Two gun camera footage!" Admiral Dumazz fainted and the whole world went black.

As he did so, the UMATCH (Ultra Magnetic Attack Thing Cannon Halo) fired and devastated blah blah the description of a ship just blowing up carries on for two paragraphs to pad the word count).

Then the Blah Blah Sword fighter (probably a named katana or something, but to be fair it's hard to follow the UNSC naming convention for fighters or anything else without using a name some other fanfic author has used before) swooped and blew up a billion Tye-Dye wing fighters using the ultra mega I win button missiles. Also the fighter pilot has a claw mark scar on his face and his seat has cool flames on it.

Then on the ground the UNSC marines launch into air, accelerating to escape velocity within a millisecond like superman and lancing through Coruscant itself. Then they enslave the entirety of the Andromeda galaxy to build their own version of the Death Star for some reason. Also they perform a lobotomy on Thrawn while being blindfolded since the author read the Wookieepedia personality and traits tab instead of the books and other source material the character showed up in.

Captain Tokan Minoritee smirked at the tactical brilliance of Admiral Admiral. "This will be my only line in the fanfiction until the author remembers me five chapters from now!"

"Me too!" Their AI HiroshimaNagasakiFatmanLittleboy (don't worry I can make fun of it I'm half Japanese), the AI of the Admiral Kick Ass (that used to be my space battles account lmao) said, lines of computer stuff flowing down its avatar: a nuclear weapon evaporating defenseless men, women, and children alongside the Catholic center of Japan (Truman was a freemason).

"They never learn." Admiral Admiral shook his head, a bald eagle in EVA gear flying past the viewport in the vacuum of space. "Author bias always trumps good storytelling."

"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite fanfic on this website!" Commander Shepard said, appearing halfway through this fanfic for some reason to make the plot even more convoluted and lead to the author placing the story on hiatus a few months later trying to wrap their mind around the separate plot threads like a teenage drunk driver wrapping their car around a telephone pole.

And then here's the summary of the rest of the story (it made it five chapters) "You guys stand literally no chance against us! You are primitive or something!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"What's going on!? They are MACing and plasmaing all over us!"

"Silly xeno, no one can stand under the might of the sons of Terra!"

Fin.

On a more serious note: Can we please get something besides a movie era fanfic? Can we get a New Jedi Order era story with the Flood or something? (Already got ideas for that one muahahaha). On an even more serious note: As much as I loathe the 'oh Humanity is so evil because of global warming and war we deserve extinction' but some fanfics just take Halo and turn it into a HFY reskin ironically against a mostly Human Star Wars universe. Try to have some respect for the source material, otherwise it might as well not be a crossover. Just write humans from Earth blowing up Coruscant and call it a day.

Oh, and here's a review I left on Bellum Mundorum by Dragon Noire in 2015!
zzzxxc1 chapter 8 . Nov 1, 2015

When will you update!I want to see the Republic's asses kicked!They don't have he right to tell a bunch of battle hardened soldiers that they are primitive!Kick their asses out of the air-lock!

How the mighty have fallen…

If I've left out any tropes idiosyncratic to Halo/Star Wars please let me know in the reviews!