Just some general housekeeping before we begin, the title comes from SimplyswooningK, second of all this is a "what-if?" story so Ames isn't in this story. It's more of "What if Ames wasn't in season 13 of ER and Abby realized what was going on with Abby?" and "what if she got Luka (reluctantly) involved?". I didn't expect much to come of it (like anything at all especially for a show that's been over 15 years), but here we are with 3,00+ words of what could very well be nonsense.
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part i - what they would want
"I'm starting to get really worried about Neela," Abby said one morning as she made a pot of coffee for her and Luka. "At first I was supportive of her exploring a relationship with Gates but now that I know there's another woman and a child in the picture, I wish she would step back."
Luka grunted nonconcomitantly and started to crack eggs for omelets.
"And poor Ray…" Abby mused. "He's gotta watch this whole thing, it can't be easy for him. Maybe we should talk to them."
Luka looked up from his breakfast preparations. "Who? Ray and Neela? They're not children, they've got to figure it out for themselves. Unless it's interfering with their work, I'm not getting involved in subordinates' interpersonal lives."
Abby gave him a look as she secured the coffee bag shut and chucked it back into the cabinet. "Luka…" she said almost warningly.
"What do you want me to do? Tell Neela to break up with Gates?" Luka asked. "I'm not her father, I don't think that kind of advice would be appreciated."
"You don't have to talk to Neela. You could talk to Ray," Abby suggested. "Just whoever you run into first and you can bring it up in an off-hand sort of way, like we didn't plan it."
Luka arched a questioning eyebrow at her as he whipped up the eggs with a fork. "What makes you so sure that people at the hospital haven't already talked to them? It's not like anybody there can mind their own business."
The coffee percolated and Abby chewed her bottom lip, trying to figure out a way to make him understand why it was important for him to help out by giving Ray and Neela unsolicited advice.
"Gates is all wrong for her," she tried.
"Clearly," Luka agreed, carefully measuring half-and-half into the egg mixture. "But she's entitled to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them without any interference from us."
"And Ray's in love with her," Abby added, grabbing two oversized mugs and filling them.
"That's obvious."
"Neela's in love with him too."
Luka added salt and pepper, stirred the eggs again, then turned the stove on to let the pan heat up. "So you've said," he replied even though Neela being in love with Ray and how she was acting made sense to him.
"Well maybe if they knew they had support for their relationship…" Abby hedged.
"Abby…" Luka sighed, pouring the eggs into the frying pan and not looking at her as he swirled them around and around until they started to form a crust on the edges. "Maybe Neela being in love with Ray is the whole reason she's not with Ray right now. The guilt of being in love with someone else while you feel like you should be mourning the loss of your spouse. The fear of losing the person you're in love with… it's all real factors.
Abby nodded in understanding.
"Gates is probably…" Luka trailed off, he didn't want to say easy because that was the last word he'd ever use to describe him. There was nothing easy about him. He was smug, arrogant, and not always open to criticism or teaching.
"A bastard?" Abby supplied cheerfully when Luka took too long to finish his thought.
"No… well, yes he is," Luka agreed. "What I meant to say is…" he paused, safe wasn't a word he would have used for Gates either. "Gates is… uncomplicated."
"Well… I don't know, living with a woman and her child kind of seems like the definition of 'complicated'."
Luka added cheese to the first omelet, folded it shut, and slid it over to Abby, who'd taken a seat at the island. "Gates is uncomplicated to Neela. Maybe there's some sort of understanding that it's not that serious between them and nobody will get hurt."
Abby thought about the woman Gates lived with, the girl. She'd seen them both around the hospital. She stabbed her eggs with a fork. "Somebody will probably get hurt," she said.
"They're all still adults," Luka said. "We can't interfere with their adult decisions."
"Well, maybe if you told Neela what you told me."
Luka looked amused. "So, you want me to talk to Neela now? What do you suggest we do? Invite her over for dinner and bombard her with all the reasons she should be with Ray? Or better yet, we can invite them both over for dinner."
"Nooo," Abby answered. "You can still talk to whoever you run into first at the hospital. I think Neela would be able to sense a setup. Like I said, it has to be casual, it has to come across like you didn't plan it."
"Abby, you're more than free to talk to either of them or both of them if you'd like but I still don't think I should interfere with anyone under me," Luka told her as he sat down next to her and started to eat his breakfast.
Abby just stared at him.
"What?" Luka asked, looking up from his plate.
"Nothing! Nothing!" Abby answered, putting her hands up as she swiveled the island chair in a way that came across as impatient. "It's just that I think it would be nice if you said something to them. Er, her… him. Either of them."
Luka sighed a second time. "It's not like anyone in the ER ever listens to me," he replied half-heartedly like it was another reason not to have any discussions with Ray or Neela about their personal lives. "I would just be wasting my breath. That is the right way to say it? Wasting my breath?"
"Wasting your breath, yes that's right." Abby nodded, getting a far-off look in her eyes and Luka knew she was calculating what she would say next, that she was formulating her next
Luka had known the whole time that this particular idea would end with him talking to either Ray or Neela the next time he ran into one of them. He supposed (in the back of his head anyway) that he could avoid them when the moment arose but his conscience wouldn't allow it because he would have to tell Abby that he hadn't talked to them and she was more than likely going to ask if he had.
It was more than likely he would run into Ray first since they both worked in the ER and he could h. It would be easy enough to give him off-handed advice about declaring himself to Neela once and for all. He could maybe reinforce the idea that Gates wasn't the best idea or even the best candidate for her in the long run and that she deserved someone like him.
When he looked at Abby again, she had a self-satisfied look on her face because she knew she had won this battle probably even before she had floated the idea of them talking to Ray and Neela about whatever was going on between Ray and Neela.
Luka stood up and went to the fridge to get their whole grain, sprouted bread, he held up the bag. "Would you like some toast?" he asked, changing the subject so Abby wouldn't gloat too much.
"Sure Luka, I'd love some toast," Abby said, barely concealing her smirk between a sip of coffee.
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It had been a few days since Luka had agreed to talk to Ray or Neela and even though he'd seen both of them often enough at work, things had been so swamped in the ER, that he hadn't had time to take either of them aside and have a chat with them, nor had he tried to make the time either.
Mostly because still felt a little strange about interfering. But he knew without a doubt that he couldn't back out now that Abby was sure that he had her back in helping her push Ray and Neela on the path towards each other.
Luka figured that he would have to actively seek one of them (Ray) out soon. Abby hadn't asked but he knew it was coming, he could just tell. He sighed and rinsed the plate he was holding before putting it in the dishwasher. Maybe he would ask her if she'd run into either of them yet and if she had said anything if she had.
There was a knock on the door, breaking him out of his train of thought. He wiped his hands off on a towel and went to see who was there.
He felt a jolt of something when he saw Neela standing outside the door.
For a second, he wondered if Abby had set this up, so he would have to talk to her. Luke debated about pretending he wasn't there but then Neela caught him peering at her through the curtains, so he had to let her in.
He opened the door and smiled at her. "Hello Neela," he said.
She returned his smile and took one of her hands out of her coat pockets to wave. "Hi, Luka. I'm just here to see Abby. I called her today and asked if she wanted to get lunch. She said she had a few errands to run but that I could pop over here around 11:45 and wait for her if I'd like."
"That's fine," Luka replied.
So maybe not a deliberate setup, Luka thought as he stepped aside so Neela could come inside.
"Can I get you anything?" He asked as she trailed him back to the kitchen. "I just made a fresh pot of coffee or we have leftover pancakes from breakfast."
Neela unbuttoned her coat buttons and unwound her scarf from around her neck. "I'm fine," she assured him as she put her purse on the island and sat down in a chair.
Luka closed the dishwasher door and then leaned against the counter, considering what he should say next. He couldn't think of an organic way to bring it up. "Things have been busy around the ER lately," he said instead.
"Things have seemed busier than usual," Neela agreed.
"So… uh…" Luke stuttered.
"You don't have to make small talk with me you know," Neela tried to tell him. "Abby texted me just before I got here to tell me she'd be back soon."
"I… uh… was just going to ask how things were going between you and Gates. You two seem to be getting awfully… friendly."
Neela frowned. "I don't see why that concerns you. It's not like it's affecting my work, is it?"
"I'm not talking to you like I'm your boss. I'm talking to you like I'm…" Luka paused. "I'm talking to you like you're my girlfriend's best friend. I'm talking to you like you're my friend."
"Well, I don't want to talk about it."
Luka nodded. "Of course, I understand."
He waited for a beat, knowing it would be for the best just to let it go as she had requested. But he felt compelled to go on all the same. "I've been there before, you know," he noted the surprised look on Neela's face and continued to talk when she didn't say anything. "Sometimes it's easier to be with the person who doesn't have a hold on your heart after going through what we've both gone through."
Neela stilled at his words and Luka could tell he had struck a nerve. Suddenly, he didn't know if he should keep going or if he should just stop there. Part of him felt like he had shared too much but it wasn't like his history was some sort of secret, even if he never really talked about it.
"I…"
Luka realized that he had stopped long enough for Neela to respond to him, but suddenly she clammed up and looked down at her hands, she rubbed her thumb across her knuckle and sighed.
"I know it can be terrifying," he went on, not knowing if she had a reply or if she was going to get mad at him. "I know you're probably even feeling guilty right now because you love someone new. But they wouldn't want us to be unhappy and they most certainly wouldn't want us to choose the wrong person for us."
Luka felt like he was rambling, so he took a second to collect his thoughts and let her add something if she wanted.
"Neela?" he asked when she still hadn't said anything.
"Hmm?" Neela murmured. "Oh, do you think I could have that glass of water now?"
"Sure," Luka replied.
He retrieved a glass from the cabinet and filled it with ice and water. She accepted it and took a sip before clearing her throat. She hesitated for a second, opened her mouth to say something, closed it, and then opened it again but she looked like she was at a loss for words. Finally, she let out a shuddery sigh and wrapped her hands around her glass.
"Tony's… Tony is—" Neela sighed again. "I don't love him. That's the simplest explanation, isn't it? I don't love him. I'm sure you already know that or you wouldn't be talking to me about it right now, would you? It's just that, Tony isn't entangled in my history either. I didn't love him… I don't love him."
She got a far-off look in her eye and Luka wondered if she was thinking about Gallant, if she was thinking about Ray or maybe both of them.
"Luka? Neela?" Abby called as she opened the door and came inside. "I'm here!"
"We're in the kitchen," Luka called back.
Abby came in and smiled at them, if she noticed any tension, she said nothing. "Neela, are you ready to get lunch?"
Neela swiped at her eyes and nodded as she gulped her water. "Yeah, I'm ready. I'll see you at work Luka."
"I'll see you at work. Goodbye Neela," Luka said, suddenly feeling like he hadn't said enough, that he hadn't been that helpful in orchestrating a reunion between her and Ray or giving her the push in the right direction.
Abby kissed him and then put her arm around Neela's shoulder, steering the younger woman back out of the house like she sensed something was wrong and she was going to try and get her away from it.
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"Neela mentioned you talked to her," Abby said when she returned home and they were preparing dinner together. "So, how'd it go?"
"I don't think it went well at all," Luka admitted. "I'm sure she told you about it."
Abby rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, you know Neela, she's a great talker when it comes to that sort of stuff. So, what did you say?"
"I wanted to talk to Ray," Luka informed her.
"Tough luck honey," Abby said as she seasoned chicken. "So, what did you say to Neela?"
"I just told her that sometimes it's easier not to be with the person you love and that Michael would probably want her to be with the person she loved," Luka replied.
"That's pretty good," Abby said. "Did you say anything else?"
"No, not really… I didn't have time to finish talking to her," Luka answered. "You came home and took her away before I could. But she did admit that she doesn't love Gates. What about you? Did you talk to her during lunch?"
"Not really, no. But I'm going to talk to Ray just to see where he's at and since we know that Neela doesn't love Gates, maybe I can encourage him to do something about it because who knows what she's going to do at this point."
"I could always tell Gates to leave her alone."
Abby laughed. "So much for not interfering in your subordinates' personal lives," she joked.
"I wouldn't actually go and talk to Gates. I was joking around," Luka informed her, rolling his eyes. "Don't get any ideas either," he added for good measure.
"I didn't! I didn't!" Abby insisted.
"Well, just in case."
"You could always fire him," Abby suggested, raising her eyebrows at him. "Or send him off to help Carter in Africa for a while. A few continents between people never hurt anyone. Sometimes it even ends relationships for good."
"I think we'll just leave him out of it and see what happens next," Luka answered. "Maybe I'll finish talking to Neela later. Maybe nature will run its course and I won't have to."
"Take its course," Abby corrected. She sighed. "Fine, you're right. But I'm still talking to Ray just for security reasons."
"Go ahead and talk to him."
"You know fate could always use a little push," Abby said.
Luka nodded even though he wasn't familiar with that American saying. "By all means, go ahead and push it. But if it doesn't work, I think we'll probably need to leave them alone once and for all or until they ask for our help or advice. I'm sure they'll figure it out eventually. We did, didn't we?"
Abby went over to him and hugged him from behind. "Yeah, we did. I just really hate seeing her like this."
Luka thought about how Neela had looked in the kitchen earlier that afternoon. So sad, a little lonely, and almost vulnerable in a way. She looked like he had felt before Abby and that short period after her, and it was something he wouldn't wish on anyone.
He pulled Abby into his arms so he could embrace her properly and rested his chin on her head. "I do too," he agreed.
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A few days later, Neela came to find Luka.
"Do you mind if we finish our conversation from the other day?" she asked, pushing her fingers through her hair before tying it back in a ponytail.
"Sure," Luka agreed because he had promised Abby that he would talk to Neela if she sought him out first. "Somewhere more private?"
Neela nodded. "Yes, please."
They went to get coffee together and then found a secluded bench where nobody could overhear their conversation.
Any lingering reluctance on Neela's part from their mid-morning discussion suddenly seemed to evaporate as she launched into a ramble he couldn't make out, the only thing he remotely caught was 'Ray' and 'you know?' tacked on at the end of it.
"I… maybe you should start again," Luka replied. "Slower this time."
"I'm sure this will come as no surprise to you—" Neela restarted.
"That you're in love with Ray," Luka finished for her. "You're right that doesn't come as much of a surprise to me."
"Has it been that obvious?"
Luka shrugged. "You two used to be close and you haven't been so much in this past year since Gallant died. Besides Abby told me you did and she's never really wrong about these sorts of things."
Neela sighed. "I started to fall in love with him while I was still married to Michael," she admitted in a low voice. "Nothing ever came of it. Ray was always respectful and I moved out before anything could happen between us. But now… when something can happen between us, I seem to be running even more scared than ever. There's this awful combination of guilt and fear that I'm going to lose him too if I allow myself to get close to him, to really love him this time. But that's silly, right? Because I've already lost him, haven't I?"
Luka remembered the first breakup with Abby, the string of one-night stands, the relationship with Sam, and how he had always longed for Abby throughout it all. How sometimes he had considered he had lost her, but how it had turned out in the end it was inevitable for them to be together.
He thought about the way she looked in the kitchen the other day and the way Ray always looked all the other times when he saw Neela with Gates.
"Trust me, since I do have some experience here when I say that I'm pretty sure you haven't lost him," Luka tried to reassure her as he toyed with the sleeve on his coffee.
"So what do I do?"
"You need me to tell you that?" Luka asked.
"I mean, I know logically what to do. I tell Gates I don't want to see him anymore. I ask Ray if he wants to get coffee or breakfast and tell him how I feel," Neela said. "
"Telling him would be good," Luka agreed even though he and Abby hadn't said the words to each other at first, and sometimes they still avoided saying them but Ray and Neela weren't the same people as them. "I think it's what he would want."
"Ray?" Neela asked, looking just the slightest bit confused.
"Well, yes Ray would most definitely want to know how you feel about him," Luka answered. "But I was talking about Michael. It's what I do when the guilt tries to consume me, I remind myself that my wife… that Danijela wouldn't want me to be alone."
"I know," Neela said sighing. "He left me a video message that said he wanted me to fall in love again and to have children."
Luka patted her arm encouragingly. "Well then, what are you waiting for?"
end part i
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Author's Note:
This started as a one-shot and snowballed into a three-parter. I had no intention of making it into anything but a one-off story but the best-laid plans. I'm not sure if this is any good or if the characters are in character. But it was kind of theraputic to write it, especially at the back end of season 13. Please tell me what you thought if anyone's reading this. Part ii should follow soon!