621Bro, I really really really need jean010's Something Genuine Among Eyes of Star to update. There's something magnetic about pathetic hidden heart of gold Hachiman being rizzed up by a girl starving for love like Ai. I was like "Sakuta can do this" but like, it doesn't work so well thematically and I like Sakuta and Mai's relationship too much. There's something about Hachiman that makes me come back to him every so often. Guess this series meant a lot more for me than I expected.
The title is a reference to the song Behind Blue Eyes btw. Obviously. I was re-reading jean010's fanfic and it clicked. It feels like a conversation between Hachiman and Ai. Anyway, I dropped OnK. They really should've focused on Ai's story. Enjoy.
There is a saying that goes "people only look out for themselves". It's not actually a saying, probably, but it's common sense to think that someone will only care about themselves and the people they're close to. Things like tragedy are often mentioned when it comes to this phenomenon. It's easy to say that you would not lose a wink of sleep because someone across the world is currently dying, starving, or otherwise just having a shitty time. After all, bad things happen all the time. And we have developed the ability to avoid bad things like the plague, in a societal effort to pursue "happiness" and give "tragedy" our backs. Because of this, people will often shy away from accidents or even develop a negative reaction to seeing someone suffering.
To turn someone in trouble into an eyesore is, in a paradoxical way, the epitome of what this globalized society stands for. The more access to information people have, the more diluted our humanity becomes. And the more lonely people turn when they lie to themselves thinking that all they need can be accessed through a touch screen.
To summarize: To get ahead in this life, one has to abandon shame and empathy. Be willing to step on others and you'll go far in life. Feel bad or acknowledge that the way things work is messed up, and you'll become a naysayer and a pariah. Hell, some jobs might even see that you're saying things that you shouldn't and they'll find a reason to add poverty to the number of problems you have. Truly, in this world only the most sadistic cynics win.
"Ummm, I think you got the wrong room." In a hospital bed in Tokyo, a young man saw a girl wearing dark clothes and a cap enter his room. His frown would've made anyone else stop in their tracks, given how naturally unwelcoming it was. But the girl didn't seem at all affected by his mug. Instead, her expression brightened upon seeing him.
"I don't think so, I don't think so at all." Her cuteness didn't stop in her facial features, but instead she moved and behaved in a cute way. Perhaps like a younger girl or with a little too much liveliness to be visiting someone needing to be in a hospital, but her movements were fluid enough that these things were only evident in hindsight.
And for someone like Hikigaya Hachiman, realizing things in hindsight is perhaps one of the worst things that can happen.
The girl took off the cap that kept her long dark purple hair concealed, and she advanced in a way that made Hachiman a little nervous. He'd seen girls behave like this before, high school girls that more often than not wanted to ask for a favor or were about to drag him into something unpleasant. He wouldn't go as far as to say he was wary of girls behaving like this, not anymore at least, but it did give him a sense of deja vu as he wondered if this girl would start calling him "senpai" out of the blue.
Still, the weirdly expectant smile she gave him did help make him feel more uncomfortable.
Okay, calm down. Just because you went through an encounter with a freak does not mean that you'll immediately meet a second one. Life doesn't follow such simple patterns, and it's more likely that the feeling of trepidation comes from how fresh the first encounter is. Or at least, that's what Hachiman tried to tell himself as he felt cold sweat run down his neck as the seconds passed. Now, granted, the girl slowly turned from looking expectant to annoyed. An expression he was more used to facing, but it didn't change the fact that a random girl entered his room and he had no idea of who she was.
"Well?" She asked after what felt like an eternity. It didn't sound demanding per se, but in any other situation Hachiman would've wondered what he had to apologize for.
To be honest, given that he didn't really know what to think, he started to get a little annoyed with her.
"What?"
"Don't 'what' me?! I'm here for you! At least act surprised!" The outburst made him flinch, even though the girl didn't actually start yelling. It was more like a pretend scream. Like someone would do when they are telling a story and use the inflection for emphasis "Japan's sweetheart is here for you alone, y'know?!"
Hachiman didn't understand. Really, all he knew was that he shouldn't be getting any visitors. Even if it wasn't kind of late. And that the only reason he was even here was because he'd been sliced to prevent a creep from attacking someone.
Was this girl the target of that guy? The apartment complex they were in was indeed a somewhat luxurious one, and he wouldn't be surprised if someone with money lived there to keep a low profile. But the girl's sudden antics still didn't make sense to him. With no cameras, no people dressed sharply ready to force him to sign anything, and basically no warning whatsoever, all he could do was stare with his mouth agape. Waiting for things to make sense.
"I'll call security." He finally made up his mind and turned to the side, looking for the buttons that would call someone to the room.
"Wait, don't do that!" The girl rushed to the side of the bed and grabbed hold of Hachiman's hand, completely red in the face and very panicked "It's me! You know, me! Ai-chan!"
Having her so close and finally giving Hachiman some context kicked up his brain.
"...From B-Komachi?" Hachiman pulled back his hand just in case she was another psycho after all. She did look like the idol she claimed to be, but seeing her in person was a bit weird.
After all, famous people basically live in an entirely different world from the common folk.
"He heh! You took your sweet time. But that's right! Everyone's favorite idol has come to pay you a visit! Isn't it exciting?!" She struck a pose that made it all click. The motion was too fluid, too perfectly fitting for her alone that it left no room for further doubt.
Hachiman's heart fell.
"But… The doctors said there were no complications."
"...Eh?"
"How… Am I actually dying? What the hell? Did I get an important organ punctured? Those assholes said I was lucky, I knew that no one could be that thick in the head that…"
"No, no, no! You're not dying? Why would you think that?!" The idol's face drained of all the blood it previously had as she looked at Hachiman with a lot more panic. She got a little closer to him, almost to the point that he could feel her breathing and pointed at herself "It's me! I'm the one you saved! You being here is because you saved my life!"
Oh.
Hachiman blinked a couple of times, his thoughts having halted completely as he took in her words and fully comprehended them. Scares aside, putting a face and a name to the person he benefited felt… Nice. Bleeding on the floor, enduring the pain of being cut in the struggle, all he had was the vague hope that he'd made a difference. That he'd taken the fall for someone else that would be none the wiser. The little blond brat with weirdly knowledgeable ways to stop his bleeding while an ambulance came had been the closest to a real person to put his hopes on, staving off the cold and all the regrets he'd wanted to amend by going to that place to begin with.
Was it pathetic that he'd not want to think of her in his final moments? That he'd rather hope for someone to feel indebted to him, someone he'd never met or would ever care about, instead of facing his own shortcomings?
"Ummm, Hikigaya-san?" The idol's voice brought Hachiman back to reality. She'd tilted her head with some worry. She probably didn't know what to do or say, and the prolonged silence after the poor reception probably helped to screw up the script she made for herself even more.
Hachiman cleared his throat.
"I'm fine." He let one of his hands drop on the bed for emphasis "As you can see."
"I'm so glad." The idol smiled warmly "I don't know what I'd do if that wasn't the case."
The contrast between her previous excited demeanor and the quieter, warmer one from now almost felt like he was talking to two different people. Logically, he understood that people in the show business put up a front. They made their personas a product that people would want to buy, because otherwise they'd not make it in the industry. Not too dissimilar to artists, or even cooks and people that make things. Still, there's no wonder why Hachiman didn't immediately recognize her. The difference would've broken the illusion to any fan, even though Ai was simply showing empathy like anyone else would.
There's a reason why idols are called that. Although the meaning has changed, the people from today will still worship theirs as something above themselves; just like the people from history.
"I'd like to think my family would at least get some cash for my death." Hachiman looked away as he tried to lift the mood the only way he knew. It came without saying, but the borderline morbid stuff that got out of his mouth did the opposite. Although he wasn't the same awkward teen that Hiratsuka-sensei picked on, some things are really hard to change. And he'd be hard-pressed to say he had a way with words like more outgoing people do.
"I… You… Well, I mean…" Seeing this girl choke on her words made him feel even worse. It's one thing to ruin the mood with people he already knows. One way or another, the awkward chuckle and moving on to a different topic made him wanna die. But in a less serious, and more familiar form than this. Because it was all metaphorical. He knew that his actions had meaning, especially to the one that benefited from them "Ahahaha… That's not something I should discuss! But if I call Ichigo-san maybe…"
"I'm messing with you." Hachiman interrupted her with the flattest tone he could muster. He'd spare her the awkwardness and make himself be just an ass, because he didn't want to admit he didn't know what to say to her. And, if he was lucky, that'd encourage the idol to leave sooner.
He gained what he wanted, and probably gave her what she wanted too. He'd treasure the knowledge of knowing who he helped for as long as he remembers that he almost died. There was nothing else for her to do in this room.
"Huh? Oh, jeez! You don't have to be so mean, y'know~?" Her reaction felt a lot more practiced now. A bit out of tune with the seriousness of the situation, like she'd been given a pass to stop thinking about depressing stuff. Or maybe she just wanted to salvage the mood? Still, Hachiman couldn't help but praise her professionalism. No wonder she's so successful, she could squeeze some charm from almost anything "And here I thought it'd be nice to meet my hero one on one, hmp!"
"Really…"
"What's with that face? You don't believe me?" The idol put her hands on her waist and puffed her cheeks. If she was actually mad, Hachiman couldn't tell. He doubted it, but the mixed signals felt a little too much for him. Maybe it was the time recuperating, or how suddenly this was happening. But he wasn't in the right place to actually squeeze out the intent behind her every action.
"This is just my face, Ai-san. I've been told it's not very welcoming at the best of times." Hachiman pushed himself back a little bit, without actually having to move his whole body further to the other side of the bed.
"If you think you can trick me, I…" The idol grabbed Hachiman's chin, making him flinch as she moved his cheeks with her thumb and index finger. She played with his face for a few moments before her expression yet again changed to one of confusion "Hmm?"
She touched his face with both hands, and by this point Hachiman was trying to get swallowed by the bed. As he couldn't move further with the idol so close to him. She moved his eyebrows and the corner of his eyes with an increasingly confused expression. No, not confused. She was getting tired of trying to find something in his face that wasn't there.
When she released him, he frowned before relaxing his features to speak.
"Are you done?"
"Oh, wow. That's your neutral face? Are you alright?" She gave him a bit more space, tilting her head while asking "I know this is our first meeting, but if something's in your mind you can tell me. It's the least I can do. I'll defend your secrets with my life!"
"Please don't."
"I… Well, you're not making this easy at all." Once again, she pouted. But this time she also crossed her arms and turned a little to her right, showing her annoyance with her whole body "This should be a nice and heartwarming meeting. It's alright if you want to be all over me, y'know?"
"What did you say?"
"I mean, I know. This is not idol material." Ai continued speaking, ignoring Hachiman's stunned question, as she pulled on the sides of her baggy sweater "But I can't exactly roam around the city in my costume, we'd have reporters all over us. Is this side of me really so disappointing?"
What is this? Is there a hidden camera somewhere? Why did this girl even barge into Hachiman's room and start yapping like this?
"Well, sorry for not being excited under medication. It's kind of hard to match your average fan under painkillers meant for recuperating from being stitched back together." Hachiman didn't actually know whether he'd been dosed enough for his mood to become duller, but he really doubted this idol knew either. He had indeed felt sleepy a couple of days, but he'd never been someone to get overly excited to begin with. So that could very well be the truth.
The girl stayed still, falling silent like she'd been turned off completely. Hachiman gave her time to take in their surroundings, as if it wasn't necessarily telling. He didn't know whether she was this clueless or if she'd focused on her bit so much that she forgot how different a hospital can be from a stage. Which, granted, is something people don't often think about. But it felt as though she hadn't had anyone have to be in a hospital to act like this. Or perhaps her work had already overcome her common sense like the internet says happens to most celebrities.
Hachiman couldn't help the sigh that came after the prolonged silence his words caused.
"Thank you for coming, Ai-san. I'm glad you're safe." Hachiman would've offered her a smile, but that would probably ruin the moment even more. At least this way, he wouldn't feel like he was pushing her away because he was too dense to take her gratitude. It's easier to think of her as an idol selling her product rather than a person whose life had been in danger for reasons outside of her control "If you could get me something signed by you, that'd be great. My little sister would love it."
"Eh? Well, I can. But what does that have to do with…?"
"Great. Now, can I rest. It's kind of late." Hachiman interrupted her again, this time putting a bit more force in his words.
Ai looked honestly disappointed when she realized she was being shooed away.
"I… Guess it's too much excitement too soon, eh?" She gave him a practiced smile but it didn't quite stay.
"You can say that." Hachiman sighed.
"Well… I hope I made your stay brighter…" The girl looked around the room. There was no decoration around, no flowers or anything "You… Mentioned a sister?"
Hachiman gave her an honest smile now.
"Hikigaya Komachi." Hachiman chuckled as the girl's eyes became a little wider "Funny coincidence, huh."
"Yeah! It'll be difficult to forget!" She jammed a hand forward, pointing at him. It felt as though she was stuck giving a show "If that makes you happy, I'll make it happen!"
"Thanks." Hachiman got comfortable on his pillow "That'd be nice."
"I'll… Hmmm… I'll let you rest." The idol finally dropped her act when she realized Hachiman was getting ready to go to sleep "Good night, Hikigaya… San. Have a pleasant dream."
He half expected to promote herself again, but neither the tone nor the vibe she was giving fit that side of her. Again, it felt warmer. But Hachiman couldn't say for sure how or why. Lowering her voice wouldn't cause that by itself.
He sighed once more when he was left alone he'd put himself in danger now, and twice it'd have made a cheerful girl suddenly appear in his life with their perception of him warped completely. Yuigahama, he could understand. But the sheer distance between himself and someone like Ai was just too big to comprehend. It gave him bad vibes. Especially with something like a creepy fan going to end her life.
Back then, had she called the ambulance? The police? Had it all been her, or did someone else do it for her? It made him worry, because such a close encounter with the ugly side of her life meant opening his eyes to it in its entirety.
Did she have someone to come with her? Did no one follow her? He didn't even consider himself a fan, but instead his mind started seeing her as just another person who'd been attacked for a reason Hachiman did not understand.
He had been bullied, he had been left behind. He hadn't had someone go up to him and try to stab him because he was a human and they didn't want him to be.
He should've played along with her bit, let her pretend to be another product. At least this way, Hachiman wouldn't feel connected to another scared human being in the dark jungle called life.