To My Beloved...
An Invader Zim Fanfic
By Laura McDaniel

While Zim is away at skool, I sometimes like to walk through the grocery store. I really like the produce section because I can see funny things like kumquats and uglifruit and 'cause I like it when the little sprinklers spray water all over the fruit and vegetables and it makes sounds like a thunderstorm. I could stand in the produce section all day most of the time, but it was boring that day because the sprinklers were broken. It was so sad! I went to the dairy section instead, and that's where I saw you. Your clothes said you were from Switzerland and you were just sooooo pretty!

I asked if you would go home with me, but you didn't say anything. You were so pretty that I just didn't care. So I picked you up and started to walk out the doors. But some kind of alarm went off and I got so scared that I screamed and dropped you! I wanted to say I was sorry, but before I could, some police guy picked me up and said, "Where do you think you're going with that, little doggy?"

I kind of forgot I had my disguise on, so I said, "Doggy? Where's the doggy? I like doggies!"

The police guy screamed and dropped me. He ran off screaming, "THAT GREEN DOG TALKED TO ME!" or somethin' like that. I don't remember what 'cause I was really just happy that I could pick you up again.

I skipped home with you 'n then we watched The Scary Monkey Show! You didn't really say much about the show but it didn't really matter to me, 'cause I was just glad I had somebody there with me.

When my master got home, he idly asked, "What did you do today, GIR?"

"I went to the grocery store!" I exclaimed, waving you in the air.

"I see...Well, at least it appears that you wore your disguise this time. I don't even want to think about what happened the last time you left the house without your disguise." He cringed, but I just stared blankly at him 'cause I didn't know what he was talking about.

But, I did hear him say that I was wearing my disguise. "My disguise?" I asked myself. I still didn't really think I was wearing it, but I actually looked at my hands to notice that they were black 'stead of all shiny. "Oh no!" I sobbed. "Now she thinks I'm a green dog!"

"She?" Zim asked.

"My beloved from Switzerland!" I howled, pointing to you.

Zim laughed again. "Oh, GIR! That can't be your beloved! That is an inanimate object!"

"What's that?"

Zim just laughed s'more. I just don't see how he could laugh at true love like that. Finally, he stopped laughin' and said, "GIR, that just means that this belongs in COLD STORAGE, not in your arms!"

And then...HE THREW YOU INTO A COLD PRISON CELL!

It made me so sad! "MY BELOVED!" I screamed. I ran to get you, but Zim picked me up by the back of my disguise before I could reach the door to your cell.

"GIR, you get more foolish every day! Promise me that you will forget about your 'beloved' so that we can continue on our mission."

"Yes, master," I sobbed.

Zim set me down again. "Good! Now, let us get on to more important things!"

I followed Zim to the lab, but I really don't remember what he said or did. I was too busy thinkin' ' bout you! But I knew that I couldn't get you back while Zim was watching. So, I waited until he went to sleep, and then I snuck you out of your cold prison cell. It wasn't that hard. It wasn't locked or anything.

I took you out and hid you in the closet. Zim had no idea! While he was around, I made sure you were hidden, but as soon as he left, I got you out and we snuggled and watched The Scary Monkey Show! I even wrote you poems, like this:

Oh, my beloved,
Where have you been
All of these years?
I love your white skin
It's so tender
And smells good, too
Sometimes I wish
I could sink my teeth into you
But then you'd be gone
And I'd be real sad!
When you're with me,
I feel glad!

Remember that? I even felt so close to you that after a few weeks, I decided to show you how I looked without my disguise. But...I don't think you liked the way I looked without it 'cause the next day, I noticed that you were all covered with little green dots! You'd broken out into a rash because you saw how...ugly I was. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I felt so bad, that I showed you to Zim even though he told me that I couldn't have you.

"How dare you bring such a filthy, mold-ridden thing into my presence?" he yelled.

"She's my beloved and she needs help! I think she's got a rash. Is there anything you can do? "

Zim just laughed and said, "Sorry, GIR, but I'm afraid it's all over for your 'beloved.'" He cringed as he picked you up and started to drop you into the trash, but I caught you before you landed.

I screamed, "No! I'm gonna bury her!"

'n I ran out as fast as I could 'n buried you here, next to one of the gnomes.

I'm so sorry it had to be this way...

I miss you, my beloved Swiss cheese...


Yes, yes, I realize that might be a bit too cohesive for GIR, but I did the best I could because the perspective was essential. I actually wrote this about a year ago, but never published it here as I doubted anyone would find it as amusing as I did. For some reason, I suddenly thought somebody else would like it, but who knows? :P

Now I've actually got to write that story about GIR falling in love with a peppermint pig...

-LM