14Chaos in China: Taste the Rainbow, biatch!
Diao Chan's POV
Diao Chan was normally a very optimistic person. When things went horribly wrong in Dong Zhuo's army, generals could always rely on her happier tones of music to cheer them up. When times got hard in Lu Bu's army, she found a way to cheer everyone up, utilizing her talents.
But after a disastrous escape from Lu Bu, a run-in with a deranged leprechaun, and a short-but-painful run-in with a freakishly powerful pre-teen who managed to upset Rose Rabbit before taking to the skies, Diao Chan had to admit that this was easily the worst escape attempt she's ever heard of.
Somehow, though, Diao Chan knew that she had a way to go yet, and that thought effectively killed any hint of perkiness that always seemed to made its way into her soul.
Yup, by sending her on this journey, the gods have brutally killed Diao Chan's inner child. Bill Gates would be hard-pressed to induce the sort of grim determination Diao Chan now has to see this through, even with its ludicrous claims and directions.
But, as Takeda Shingen once said, "Misfortune comes in droves."
"OMG," someone screeched, nearly catapulting Diao Chan into space as Rose Rabbit tried to stave off her fear, "Its da witch!111!"
"Whur? Were!" called another, the hoarse, harsh symbols and syllables shattering Diao Chan's delicate eardrums, "I wana sea!"
Out of nowhere, a flash of hot pink and what was possibly the tightest leather suit in China jumped out onto the forest road, this time really sending Diao Chan to meet the earth as Rose bucked uncontrollably.
"She's dwn! She iz downn! We r L33t11!(elite)" Another voice screeched out in the most savage and grammarless show of pain Diao Chan ever had the dishonor of hearing before suddenly finding herself levitating by some unknown forces as the flash of blaringly painful pink flicked behind her and bound her hands with some insanely hard metal that should have cut off all circulation to her fingers, but didn't.
"Shayrayfrahamabahamamomma," called the pink agony, "great job levitating the baddie and saving Lou Boo!"
.. Was that supposed to be Lu Bu?
For a moment in Diao Chan's mind, time froze. From the earth below her came the passionate screaming of thousands upon thousands of literature masters, from poets to writers, as they heard the easy slaughter and bashing of the greatest works, sullied by the two girls. The men and women from across the ages twisted and turned in their graves and tombs, roiling in unparalleled torture as each and every grammatical error was made, the misspellings abound, twisting and crying in their deaths, until they were hoarse, oh were they hoarse- with the power and deafening qualities of their cries and pleas, spinning and spinning as they wept for their native tongue, until every author became a top, rotating and spinning and turning in their grave, oh how they turned, screeching like the souls of human tops as they begged and pleaded for the insanity to stop- Oh, make the pain STOP-
And then the moment passed, leaving Diao Chan breathless and sweating as the nightmare passed before her very eyes, the echo in her ears the only proof that it had ever occurred.
To her dismay, the two heard nothing, and went right along ruthlessly stabbing their own sentences.
"wi are such gud writerrs," cooed the coral wonder, "who dah thunk it?" Diao Chan involuntarily flinched. Somewhere in her mind, her grammar school teacher was sobbing…
"Yea, Lubusk8terhater145687, ur write." Shayray-something-or-other cried back- she was obviously unable to speak in a normal tone, "Now we haf rubo-" Diao Chan flinched again, " 2 urselfs-"
"Terrible," a voice said indignantly, a fine, perhaps feminine tone scoffed. "Such a savage abuse of the Chinese language shall not go unpuni-"
"ewwwwww, its da fa-"
"Your so ugly, and sow unkewl-"
"That's it," the familiar voice snapped, "BEAUTIFUL!" A cascade of butterflies assaulted the authors with the fury of allergies on a spring day, attacking their nostrils with pollen and the dreaded ragweed.
"Noo," shouted the LuBu fan girl as she tried vainly to hold back the flood of mucus, "I'm two guod to loose!"
"U wil neaver wun, Zhen hay." Shay something stood tall and furious, pointedly ignoring the snot running from her nose, "you ga-"
It was then they heard it. It was a simple rainbow before, not uncommon by the rainfall they've experiencing this week, but not anymore. It was a BIG rainbow, an impossibly big rainbow. Actually, it kinda looked as if it would-
Plick! Plick! Tink! Ping! The hard multicolored missiles rained down with an unholy vengeance, wildly pouring out its sweet, sugary dose of fury from the heavens, striking whoever was foolish enough to stare up at a massive, imposing rainbow and not go running for the mountains.
"OMFGWTH/WTFBBQBLEEPPWNED!1111" The fan girl bowed over and cried for a bit, nursing brand-spanking new shiner in both her eyes.
"what, they r supposed 2 b soft and chuey…"
Obviously, someone hasn't been outside to civilization in the past few years.
"Run," called Shay as she bulldozed through the foliage, actually saying something that didn't make Diao Chan cry to herself. Her writer in crime waded through the underbrush with a little more caution, still occasionally crashing into trees, horses, and people as she scrambled for cover.
As soon as they were gone, the hail of condensed rainbow power stopped, leaving a three-inch high sugar hazard for miles around.
Zhang He sighed. "I don't suppose you're hungry…"
/ That ends Chapter 3. It wasn't my best, but I couldn't resist the classic fan girls and the loss of grammatical correction… I don't mind a few mistakes, but there's a limit to how many errors you can make per sentence…./