"Games and Dating Shouldn't Mix" (an acid trip of a mighty dating game fusion by SchizoAuthoress)
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three mismatched barstools.]
[Coach Bombay comes onstage, trailed by a huge entourage of makeup artists, agents, sponsors, and the occasional hooker. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts. In a final haze of hairspray and hockey jerseys, Bombay is alone on the stage again.]
BOMBAY: Hello and welcome to a very special edition of "The Dating Game!" I'm Gordon Bombay, former asshole lawyer turned asshole peewee coach turned minor league hockey player turned asshole coach for Team USA in the Junior Goodwill Games turned mysterious Obi-Wan Kenobi-esque asshole who dumps a bunch of kids with abandonment issues in a prep school and who only shows up to shower my prepackaged wisdom on them at the most opportune times. But enough about me. Let's meet our first contestant on...
AUDIENCE: THE DATING GAME!
[Guy Germaine comes on the stage and sits down in the comfortable swivel chair-upholstered with psychadelic-patterned polyester fabric-provided for him.]
BOMBAY: Bachelor Guy Germaine, recently in the 'off' situation of his on-again, off-again relationship with Connie Moreau. Will the Bachelorettes please come onstage as well?
[On the other side of the wall, Tammy Duncan, Julie Gaffney, and Connie Moreau walk onstage and sit down on their barstools. Tammy curses under her breath, jumps up, and demands a cushion. Three crew members run out and tie cushions to each barstool.]
BOMBAY: You may start asking the questions now, Guy.
GUY: (clears throat) Bachelorette One. (reads from 3x5 card) What's your ideal first date?
TAMMY: Well, first-
JULIE and CONNIE: Hey!
[There is a brief tussle as the girls fight over who is Bachelorette One. At the end of the short fight/argument, Connie takes the first chair, Tammy the second, and Julie the last. Connie smiles brilliantly and answers.]
CONNIE: My ideal first date would be to go to a hockey game and share a soda and hot dog!
GUY: (looks mildly enthused) Sounds fun...and familiar. Bachelorette Two? Same question.
TAMMY: Well, first, we'd break into my dad's liquor cabinet and steal a couple bottles of tequila. Then, we'd put them in a backpack and ride the number seven bus around downtown and get drunk, possibly making out on the bench-seat in the back. The date would end with us throwing up in an alley and walking over to an arcade where we'd call your mom to pick us up.
[Complete silence. The audience stares at Tammy, who glares back with a defiant look on her face. Guy shuffles the cards that he holds.]
GUY: Right. Um...that sounds...different. Bachelorette Three, if we were out on the town and you saw another girl checking me out, how would you handle the situation?
JULIE: I'd very calmly tell her to back off. But if she got mouthy with me, I might have to mace her.
BOMBAY: (to an agent) Where the hell do we get these Bachelorettes? (to camera) We have to go to commerical now, but we'll be right back with more questions for our lovely Bachelorettes!
[SETTING: A loft apartment. A woman is sitting at a computer desk, reading something on the screen. A cockroach crawls across the keyboard.]
[A look of horror crosses her face.]
WOMAN: Oh, no!
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: Got a pest problem?
WOMAN: (looks at the camera) Yes! Look at this trash they're passing off as a fanfic!
[The front door opens. As the woman turns around, a middle-aged man in a suit looks in. The woman smiles in greeting.]
ANNOUNCER: Um, no. I meant that roach.
WOMAN: Oh, that. (waves hand dismissively) My pet tarantula will take care of that. Anyway, I've got a pest problem, like you said.
[A younger man flings the door the rest of the way open and smiles brilliantly at the camera.]
SECOND ANNOUNCER: Move over, Noble Way! Take a hike, Orkin! We're the Mary-Sue Exterminators!
ANNOUNCER: No, we're not.
SECOND ANNOUNCER: Yes, we are. Didn't you get the inter-office memo?
ANNOUNCER: What? No.
[The announcer leaves the apartment.]
SECOND ANNOUNCER: We've changed focus from killing insects to ridding the Internet of Mary Sue OCs.
WOMAN: That's great! How do you do it?
[First announcer comes back in holding a sheet of paper that has "Mary-Sue Exterminators Script" on the top of it. He studies this paper closely as his younger counterpart begins to explain.]
SECOND ANNOUNCER: With this special filter software, developed with input from numerous authors from many fandoms! When you click on a fanfiction link, the software scans the contents of the fanfic, and a warning pops up that tells you if the story exibits two or more traits readily indentified with a Mary Sue.
ANNOUNCER: (reading from script) "Also works with Marty Stus."
WOMAN: Wow! I need to get me one of those!
[Placard flashes across screen: "Got a pest problem? Can't stand another Mary Sue? Call the Mary-Sue Exterminators! 1-800-KLL-BUGS."]
SCHIZ: Product does not actually exist. But don't you wish that it did?
[SETTING: The "Dating Game" set. Gordon is being sprayed down with a few dozen cans of hairspray, Guy is whistling the original "Star Trek" theme, Connie is humming the original "Star Trek" fighting theme, Tammy is playing with a lighter, and Julie is picking her nose.]
["Dating Game" theme music starts up.]
GORDON: And we're back! Now Guy will be asking three more questions of out bachelorettes, and then he will chose one for a special night on the town! Guy, if you would...?
[Guy shuffles the cards and smiles.]
GUY: Bachelorette Three, I love Broadway plays. What is your favorite Broadway production?
JULIE: I'd have to say..."Cats."
[Guy looks disappointed. Gordon peeks over Guy's shoulder at the preferred answer.]
GUY: Yes! Scantily clad women dancing and singing, adultery, murder, suspenseful trial sequence, triumphant ending...who could prefer "Cats" over "Chicago"?
GUY: Anyway, Bachelorette One, do you have any special skills that you think might win me over on our date?
CONNIE: I can tie a cherry stem into a double-knot with my tongue!
GUY: Hmm, sounds interesting. Bachelorette Two, what's your personal motto?
TAMMY: Live fast, try everything at least once, die without regrets!
JULIE: Hey! I've got a better one! "If you can't stop the puck, get out of the way!"
TAMMY: Shut up! He doesn't care about your lame-ass motto, he asked me!
JULIE: You self-centered bitch!
GORDON: Whoa, I don't think we can say that on TV! Um, let's cut to a commerical break, so Guy can think his choice over! (to security guards) Break this thing up before it gets ugly!
[Shot of a kid with a camera filming a very hokey-looking, cheap reproduction of an Indiana Jones movie scene. Audio: People singing a catchy jingle.]
"It's the Movie Maker! The Movie Maker!
Make a new movie with no regard to copyrights!
It's the Movie Maker! The Movie Maker!
Make dumb action sequences look like real fights!"
ANNOUNCER: It's fun and easy! Simple record your movie scene, using whatever stupid props you can come up with.
[Kid with camera runs inside the house and hooks the camera up to his computer.]
ANNOUNCER: Then, using the special Movie Maker computer-$1,500 in the US, $20,000 Canada because we have to put in a French translation for those users in Quebec-load your movie into the editing program. There, you can select from over 500,000 movie titles...
[The cheap reproduction suddenly looks incredibly futuristic. TIE fighters are flying in the background.]
ANNOUNCER: From "Star Wars..."
[Incredibly futuristic scene turns to a bloody hockey match with a few clicks from Kid with camera.]
ANNOUNCER: To the "Mighty Ducks" movie franchise!
[On the computer screen, a huge boulder drops onto center ice and starts rolling toward the other team's goal. Adam Banks, with a rare, priceless articfact in one hand, his hockey stick in the other, skates in front of it. At the last moment, he passes the puck to Guy Germaine, throws the priceless artifact to Kenny Wu, and is squished by the rolling boulder. Guy shoots the puck in for the win, and then the other team's goalie is flattened by the boulder.]
KID WITH CAMERA: Wow! And I can even create my OWN movies on the Movie Maker!
ANNOUNCER: That's right, the Movie Maker comes with a special character-creator! Simply scan in an image of whoever you want to play your original character, then use the character-creator to change your actor's image into the character. Shoot your scenes, and your original character will be right in the middle of the action!
DISCLAIMING VOICE: Nuclear reactor needed to power Movie Maker not included. Not compatible with Mac, Windows, or Linux. Mary-Sue Exterminators filter software compatible.
[The Dating Game stage once again. However, instead of the theme song, "Mr. Big Stuff" is playing, and you can see Gordon on stage with a pair of buxom models wearing nothing but hockey jerseys. A big fan is messing up their hair, and an excitable, familiar-looking photographer is bouncing around them. Guy and the girls are on the other side of the wall, and Guy is making out with each of them in turn, as a final test to see who he should date.]
AUSTIN THE PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah, baby, yeah! You're an animal! You're a ti-ger. You're TONY the Tiger, you're grrrr-eat, baby! Yes, yes...
[Charlie and Averman sneak onto the set, carrying a paper lunch bag that reeks of cow pie. They dump the contents of the bag onto the big fan.]
[Shit flies everywhere. The models are screaming, Gordon is yelling that he wants his agent, and Austin the photgrapher flings his camera in the air, shouting,]
AUSTIN THE PHOTOGRAPHER: No, no! I didn't say you were dung beetles, I said tigers! ...And, I'm spent!
[Austin goes around the wall and finds Guy and Connie in a liplock, and Tammy and Julie bickering. He grins.]
AUSTIN: Hello, ladies. What say you and I go out for a night on the town, come back to my place for a roll in the hay, swinger-style?
[Both Tammy and Julie go glassy-eyed as Austin's mojo starts having an effect on them.]
TAMMY: Hell, yeah!
[He puts an arm around each of them.]
JULIE: (giggling) Ooohhh, Mr. Powers...
AUSTIN: By the way, bitchy baby and giggly baby, what flavour condom to you prefer? This is the 90s, after all...free love and responsibility. It's a very groovy time...