Chapter 13

I Died in my Dreams

15th March 3019 (1419 S.R.))

The Pelennor Fields

Cold.

So cold.

Merry shook, his eyes unable to even open from the weakness that would soon consume him. The weight of the felled Orc atop him made it even harder to draw breath. Everything was agony. Just healed wounds from his time with the Orcs and Saruman had broken open again. Blood loss, combined with the freezing numbness that was writhing its way up from his arm to his neck and chest, clouded his mind and made his thoughts blurred. When it reached his heart and head he knew he would die then. At the moment though it seemed unlikely he would make it that long.

Was this what Frodo had felt after being stabbed on Weathertop? He had never doubted for a moment that the injury had been worthy of the commotion it had caused, but with only a small wound on the shoulder, it had always been hard to see how Frodo could have been in so much pain and danger. Well he understood now. He did not even have a scar to show for this ordeal. Both cousins would bear markings from their meetings with that dread Witchking, though maybe his wouldn't be so visible.

He almost welcomed death now; in a way. He had prepared himself mentally for death many times now. He had said his peace and had been ready to go to eternal rest, but he kept being denied. Pippin kept pulling him back. His younger cousin had quite literally begged him stay, commanded him to, when he had been so close to leaving back in Isengard. He had heard every word Pippin had said and had found that he couldn't go then. Apparently more needed to be said to make Pippin understand. But how could he explain to his best friend what he felt: that every time he prepared himself for death he gave up part of his soul and, when he found he was going to have to live on a little longer, he could not regain the piece that he had given up. Not that he had really tried, but what was the point really of going to such pains when death was a certainty anyway in this war. He could do what he must without his whole soul.

Of course he hadn't let Pippin see any of these things in the brief hours they had been together; before his cousin had gazed into that Palantír. Why did Pippin always HAVE to look? Never dabble in the affairs of wizards; or if you have to don't get caught. Surely any fool knew that!

Merry felt tears beginning to stream down his face as unwelcome memories flooded his head of his own experiences with the Palantír. "Fool of a Took," he mumbled.

He could feel the coldness nearing his heart. Not long now. Dark memories danced before his eyes. Why wouldn't death just hurry up; hadn't he waited long enough already?!

He thought he could hear voices. Well this was it. He had started to go numb and was hearing voices in his head. The end was coming. He could almost touch it. Sweeping relief rushed over him. No more fighting. Knowing his luck Pippin would probably find him now and make this so much harder. "Fool of a Took," he muttered affectionately to the darkness; grinning slightly.

"Who said that?! Merry, is that you? MERRY!"

It couldn't be! Could it? No there was no way. He'd only been joking! The weight on top of him lifted. The world could be that ironic. But then again, considering his life for the past year...

"Merry! Merry, it's me. It's Pippin"

He felt Pippin's arms around him. Through blurred eyes he saw his tear streaked face, heard his sobbing voice and yet he could hardly believe it. "Pip," he laughed, then winced. He had so much to say and yet so little breath to say it with. He wanted to cling to his best friend and also to be left in peace. He wished he had the strength to tell Pippin how much he meant to him and how he was so sorry that he couldn't physically stay any longer; not again. Instead he settled on a quiet, "I knew you'd find me." Why did Pippin have to make going so hard?! It was torture to see the pain in those young eyes and to know that he was causing it. He could no longer help it though; nothing could save him and his shattered soul any more.

"Of course, I always do." Pippin's voice was so choked with so many sobs that he was almost unintelligible.

Merry wanted to stop Pip feeling this pain on his account. It was cutting him to the core hearing the agony and yet determination in Pippin's voice. "Why do you have to make this so hard? Oh, Pip, I have to go!" he thought silently but instead he said, "Are you going to leave me?" It had come out wrong. He had meant to ask Pippin to leave, to distance himself from this death but the words had got jumbled and mixed up on the way out of his mouth.

"No, Merry. I'm going to look after you." He felt a cloak being wrapped around him. The words were so familiar.

They were the same ones that he had whispered into Merry's shoulder when he had only just been old enough to be talking.

ooo flashback ooo

The baby Pippin had run in a haphazard line into Merry's bedroom in Brandy Hall to find his older cousin crying into his pillow. The infant had bounded across the room and crawled up next to his cousin. "What's the matter, Merry?"

"Go away!" Merry had explained.

Pippin's tiny jaw had dropped and pointing an accusing finger at the much bigger hobbit he had exclaimed, "You swore!"

"That's not swearing!" was Merry's shocked reply, while he wiped his eyes on his sleeve.

"Is too!" was Pippin's response.

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is...never mind. It doesn't matter because there is nothing wrong with me, Pippin."

"Yes there is! You were crying and that means that there's something wrong."

"Well there isn't. For all you know, I might like crying."

"You don't because you cried when you fell out of my da's apple tree and I know you didn't like that; so there must be something the matter."

Merry goggled. If the boy could have that much to say this young then he dreaded to think what he would be like in a few years, maybe even months. "Well there isn't this time!"

"Is!"

"Is not!"

"Isisisisisisisisisisisisisisis..."

"ALRIGHT, PIPPIN!" Merry thought he would go mad or hit Pippin soon, though his aunt would be less than amused with him about the latter. Maybe he had better just tell the lad. He was too young to understand anyway. "If you must know, Peregrin..."

"Don't call me that! Ma calls me that."

"...Pippin, then I'm sad because Frodo left earlier today. I never thought he ever really would." Tears threatened again but this time he was ready for them and fought them back.

"So?" said Pippin, huge green eyes shining, "He's going to live with Uncle Bilbo. Frodo will like that. You should be happy!"

"Yes maybe I should be, Pip," said Merry finding it hard to believe he was being lectured by his baby cousin, "but I miss him already. He always looked after me and now I'm alone. I just miss him is all, because now no one will look after me." Tears leaked down his face despite his best efforts.

Pippin had stared at Merry a moment, then he stood up on the bed and wrapped his arms around the older hobbit's neck. "No, Merry," the younger had scolded. "I'm going to look after you."

Merry had laughed through his tears at the words. The very idea was comical, but he hugged his tiny cousin back fondly. Maybe Frodo had been right: maybe Pippin wasn't as annoying as he had thought. "Thank you, Pip. I'll look after you too."

ooo flashback end ooo

Merry smiled at the memory as all around him faded to blackness. "You always were stubborn, Pip," he laughed as his cousin's face disappeared too.

ooo

"Give in!"

The darkness was unbearable. He was being sucked away from death yet again, but this time not by the living world. Wraiths called, he could hear them.

"Stop fighting and join us. Save this pain."

He could feel their minds pulling at his, could feel his soul being drawn terrifyingly, yet uncontrollably, towards them. He fought his hardest, tried to block them out, like he had with Saruman, but he could not; he was just too weak.

"Come into the eternal night, Merry. It is quiet here. It is peaceful here."

"LIARS!" he shrieked back in his mind. "Poison drips from every word!"

"You can't resist us, Merry. Just give in and come. It will be easier that way."

How had Frodo fought this so long with the combined effort of fighting the Ring? How was Frodo so strong and yet he was so weak. He fought back as hard as he could. Help. He needed help.

Suddenly, all went silent. The wraith voices vanished, but all around him lights flared. To his absolute amazement, he saw he was standing in a high domed, perfectly circular room. He was clothed still in his Rohirrim battle garb, still covered in Orc blood, but none of the pains that had wracked him out on the field were there anymore. Even the scars that he still carried from Saruman had ceased to hurt. He hardly noticed any of this however, as the figure at one of the two doorways to the room snatched all his attention instantly.

Aragorn raised a hand in salutation. Merry ran to him and the ranger crouched to envelop the hobbit in a tight embrace. "Merry," his voice was serious, calm and commanding; as always. Also, at this moment, it was the most welcome sound in the world, "we do not have much time. I have come to give you a choice that you must make now. You can either come with me now to live again or you can go through the other door to death. The wraiths will not claim you now no matter what you choose, but you must make this choice immediately between life and death. This is your last chance."

Merry froze. He wanted death. He did. But he so want to see Frodo and Pippin and Sam and the others again. No he had chosen long ago the path to death. He would take that and sleep. He was about to say as much, when Aragorn spoke again.

"Pippin told me of a promise he made you once: to always look after you and though I might have laughed at the idea once, I start to see how much you need him. I know that you would never have let him make such a promise had you not made a similar one back. I also know that Pippin needs you as much as you need him; maybe even more. Don't try to deny it, Merry. I am in no way trying to lessen your strength or his by saying this, but one of you will not long out live the other. You know this, Merry, so don't give me that look. You need each other, just as Frodo and Sam need each other at the moment. Friendships like the ones you hobbits share should not be taken lightly nor given up lightly."

"Pippin means the world to me, Aragorn." Merry's voice surprised even himself. How could he sound that strong? "Life without him simply isn't life. And yes, maybe I mean a lot to him too. Yes, I know my going will hurt him, but he will heal, Strider. I don't mean that much to him. Besides, I am not whole anymore. I gave away part of myself every time I looked death in the face. I cannot burden Pippin with a broken version of myself. That would be worse than not having me at all. It is better for me to go. Pippin will survive without me and when Frodo comes back he and Sam will be there for him instead."

"You are fooling yourself, Merry; pulling the wool over your own eyes. You do not truly believe that Pippin will ever be whole after suffering your loss; at least if he could still see you and talk to you if you came back different from how he remembers you. And though, yes Frodo and Sam would try to help him when they come back, we must first face the very real fact that they may not come back, and if they do you cannot expect them to be as you remember them. Mordor will change them and they will have their own personal battles to continue fighting even outside its boarders. You cannot honestly believe that burdening them with a broken Pippin will help them recover. You do not truly believe any of the things you just said, do you?"

Merry thought and realised that everything Aragorn was saying made perfect sense. He felt something fill him briefly, and recognised it for resolve and purpose.

"Plus, you yourself are not beyond healing, Merry. If you come back with me then you may very well be able to become whole in both body and mind more quickly than even I can imagine at present" Aragorn's voice was gentle now and comforting. "I did not mean to get angry before, Merry, but you must see what I mean."

Merry nodded, unnoticed tears splashing to the stone floor. "I see, Aragorn. I will live again. If Pippin can still keep fulfilling a promise he made when he wasn't off his mother's apron string, then I can keep the same one I made to him when I was too young to know that "looking after" Pippin would entail more than teaching him the best method for stealing Gandalf's fireworks uncaught. I'm ready to come back and heal."

Aragorn nodded in satisfaction, clasping the hobbits shoulder and grinning. He then turned and disappeared through the door behind him. Taking a deep breath, Merry made as if to follow the Ranger, then gave the room one last look. The door on the other side of the room stood invitingly open and through it he could see white shores of a green country under a swift sunrise.

Now he turned his back to it. What would life, even in paradise, be without Pippin? His cousin was a piece of his soul that he was now determined to mend. Life without Pippin wasn't life. He would go back to the world of both incredible pain but also incredible beauty, to suffer more and to laugh more; for Pippin. Only for Pippin.

Squaring his shoulders he marched through the doorway after Aragorn. Pain rushed over him, but the sweet smell of athelas and heather also filled his senses.

Only for Pippin.

ooo

Suddenly Merry awoke, and he said: "I am hungry. What is the time?"

"Past supper-time now," said Pippin smiling; "though I daresay I could bring you something, if they will let me."

"They will indeed," said Gandalf. "And anything else that this Rider of Rohan may desire, if it can be found in Minas Tirith, where his name is in honour."

"Good!" said Merry. "Then I would like supper first, and after that a pipe..."

ooo

The End

ooo

Author's note:

I would like to thank the following people:

Ruinwen - for always being there and getting me to post this in the first place.

All my friends - for making me laugh, for keeping my head level and for all the encouragement.

Tolkien - for giving the world the best book ever and for giving me a passion for reading and writing.

Merry, Pippin and Legolas - thanks for letting me almost kill you on so many occasions. I know you all hate me now but let's face it: it's been a whole lot of fun. I'll be back for you guys again. Oh don't look at me like that! No, crying won't change my mind, Pippin! Tell you what, next time I'll throw in lots of alcohol. There, see now you're happy!

I'll be back!

All my love

Ëarelwen xx

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