A/N: This story is a direct result of my obsessive nature, my twisted sense of humor, the indisputable fact that Nicholas Brendon and James Marsters are a lot cuter than David Boreanz (don't argue, now, you all know that it's true); and reading the words "brooding pouf" too many times.

Starts out kind of serious (okay, so I'm going for stereotypical Buffyfic at first...details, details), then all goes insane.

****

"South Hellmouth"

a buffy the vampire park fusion

Episode 1.1-Goin' Down to Hellmouth

It was just another night in Sunnydale.

While out on patrol, Buffy and Xander had discovered a group of fledgling vampires in the park. Xander was holding his own with a third of the group, leaving the remaining eight in the capable hands of the Slayer.

One of the fledglings lunged at her, and Buffy leaped back. A slight miscalculation had her landing with one foot on the desiccated corpse of one of the vampires' victims. She lashed out with the stake she held, dusting her attacker. The three fledglings that were left sensed that Buffy was slightly vulnerable and all attacked at once.

She managed to stake one before falling, badly twisting her ankle in the process. She lashed out and caught another in the chest, flinging him away. The final vampire avoided her blows and closed in for the kill...

Suddenly, there was a short shriek of agony and the whirl of dust. Buffy blinked to clear her vision and saw Willow holding out a hand to her, a stake clenched in the other. "You okay, Buffy?"

"Yeah, where's Xand-"

"Present and accounted for," Xander spoke up. "Got a hand from the bleached wonder over there." He jerked his head to the left, indicating Spike, who was behind him. Spike scowled,

"I just saved your ass, whelp, least you could do is show some gratitude."

"No, the least I could do is completely ignore you, Peroxide Boy."

"Oh, and I'm *so* glad that you aren't. Wanker."

Buffy just rolled her eyes at the banter and accepted Willow's hand. The redheaded witch pulled her to her feet. "We've got more trouble, you know."

"I am so unsurprised," Buffy dusted herself off. "Ick, vampy dust. So, what the problem?"

"Short version? Demon, talisman, ritual, big chaos." Willow laughed, "Never changes, huh?"

****

"Okay, give me the long version, Giles." Buffy said as the four patrollers walked into the Magic Box.

Giles looked up from a dusty old tome. "What?"

"Willow told me the short version of More Trouble. Now, what kind of demon, what kind of talisman, what ritual? And would this ritual involve any sacrificing of the innocents, virgins, or mass-suicide from a throng of devotees?"

"Ah." Giles removed his glasses and gave them a quick polish as he spoke, "Well, a Kenos Hringen demon has gotten a hold of the Nornir Shears. These mystical shears can be used-after a spilling of blood as you guessed, most likely a mass-suicide ritual-to sever the barrier between two dimensions, causing complete chaos in both timelines."

"Didn't we do this before? And didn't it end with Buffy's suicidal plunge off of Crazy Tower?" Xander wondered.

"Not exactly. The two dimensions will combine, but that's all. And the Hellmouth will be sealed here, only to open in another dimension of Earth-where this Kenos Hringen can manifest himself and destroy all of mankind." Giles replied.

Xander looked faintly sick. "Yeah, that's bad too."

"The whelp's a bloody genius!" Spike said sarcastically.

****

"Ew, Spike!" Buffy shouted, hitting the blond vampire on the shoulder, "Stop that!"

Spike glanced at Buffy longingly, "She killed herself, luv. An' look at all this yummy blood..." he murmured, cupping his hand at her belly so that the crimson fluid would pool in his palm. Buffy smacked him again, harder this time. He reluctantly dropped the recently deceased fanatic, contenting himself with licking his hands clean while grumbling, "Can't stop it now; bet they're all dead a'ready..."

As if proving him correct, the sky darkened and the ground began to shake. Typical apocalyptic crap.

"And there goes the neighborhood," was the last thing that Buffy heard before everything went black.

****

"Ms. Summers! Ms. Summers! ...Will someone please wake Ms. Summers up?"

Buffy groaned and opened her eyes. On her left, an unseen hand gave her a rough shake. "Wake up, Buffy!" Willow said.

"What-what's going on?" Buffy tried to ask, but her voice was muffled somehow, and sounded more like, "Mmh-mm mh-hmm?"

"I think that students who sleep in class should be punished, don't you, Mrs. Sock?" Buffy blinked several times. Mrs. Walsh was standing in front of her with a sock-puppet on her left hand. Mrs. Walsh moved the puppet's mouth and replied-unsuccessfully trying not to move her lips-in a high falsetto, "I think so, Mrs. Walsh! Let's give her a detention!"

"Oh, get stuffed, you stupid bint..."

Buffy twisted around in her seat to see Spike sitting behind her and scowling at Mrs. Walsh, a splash of bright spring sunlight falling on him. And he wasn't melting or disintegrating into dust or anything! "Mmh mh MHH?! (What the fuck?!)" She exclaimed.

"Face front, Ms. Summers! Or I will give you another detention!" Mrs. Walsh scolded.

"Dude, why are you picking on Buffy?" Xander spoke up, "Her family's like, on welfare and food stamps and stuff."

"You're a Jew, that doesn't stop me from picking on you, Xander." Spike growled.

"Don't belittle my people, albino!"

With growing terror, Buffy stared wildly around the room. She dimly recognized the brightly-colored, almost primitive look of the place...running to the window, Buffy caught a glimpse of the town's welcome sign. Instead of 'Sunnydale,' the plain wooden sign read: 'South Hellmouth.'

Her universe had combined with the world of South Park.

Xander adjusted the earflaps of his green winter cap and asked Willow, "What's up with the Buffster?"

Willow stared at the screaming girl in the orange overcoat with concern. "I have no idea."

****

After serving her detention after school, Buffy found Willow, Xander, and Spike waiting for her. She pointed at Spike and demanded, "Mnnm! Mm-mhm-hmh hmm-hm mhm mmmh?"

Willow patted Buffy's shoulder, "Buffy, why would Spike be bursting into flames?"

Buffy glared at the redhead in indignation. "Mmhmh hhm mm-hmmhmmh!"

"A vampire?" Xander grinned. "Wouldn't have to put up with him then, huh? Just force-feed him some garlic or something."

Spike gave Xander a shove. "Ha bloody ha, Jew boy." To Buffy, he said, "You are such a loser, Buffy. Do I /look/ like a vampire?"

Willow cocked her head to one side. "Well, you are kinda pasty-pale, and those teeth of yours are pretty sharp..."

"Not to mention that you have the cheekbones from Hell, Spike." Xander chipped in.

"Fuck you, kike."

"Don't call me that, you prejudiced bastard!"

"Oh, fine! Gang up on the Brit! Vampire...honestly..." Spike scowled and patted his duster for a carton of cigarettes and his lighter. Once he'd found them and lit up, he sneered at the other three and said, "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home..."

"Mnnm!" Buffy protested, running after him.

She never saw the truck coming.

****

Willow screamed in horror. She was frozen at the sight of the bloody mess that had once been Buffy Summers. "Oh my god, they killed Buffy!"

"You bastards!" Xander cried.

END