a buffy the vampire park fusion
Episode 1.2 - Broody Poufs
It was another bright sunshiny morning in South Hellmouth. Children were being yelled at to get out of bed and get ready for school, breakfasts were being cooked, and crypt doors were being sealed shut as dawn approached. Someone had been mauled after insulting a group of Fyoral demons, and quite a few bloodless corpses were found stuffed in the air vents of the Bronze. Nothing unusual.
William 'Spike' the Bloody had been awakened by Mrs. the Bloody-a striking, raven-haired space-case-bouncing up and down on his bed and demanding tea for Miss Edith. Thus, Spike began the day by brewing a pot of tea and cursing his way through a breakfast party of which only two of the ten participants were sentient. If anyone, like that redhaired Wicca or her Jew friend or the destitute mumbly girl Buffy, had seen it, Spike's reputation as the Big Bad Influence of Sunnydale High would have been ruined. Thankfully, no one did, and-with a final reassurance that he indeed loved his mum from eyeballs to entrails-Spike left the house and walked to the bus stop.
When the bleached-blond boy got to the stop, the destitute mumbly girl Buffy and the redhaired Wicca and her Jew friend were already there. Controlling his urge to snarl at the three of them, Spike greeted them with an, "Oi, you guys!"
Buffy and Willow waved at him, but Xander was too preoccupied with what he was telling the girls to give Spike his usual one-fingered salute. The dark-eyed boy was excited about something, and as Spike approached, he heard Xander say, "...and my parents pick him up tomorrow."
"Pick who up?" Spike demanded.
Willow was the one who answered: "Xander's parents are gonna foster this orphan boy named Daniel Osbourne."
"Yeah, I've always been an only child, so it'll be cool to have a temporary brother!" Xander supplemented.
Even though her face could barely be seen, it was clear that Buffy was frowning as she pointed out, "Nnh mm-mhh mmm hhmm!"
"Sure, Buffy, but your little sister is a spaz. I'm pretty sure that Daniel isn't addicted to coffee like Dawn is." Xander argued.
"Think he's related to Ozzy Osbourne?" Spike wondered.
Willow shook her head. "No way. Then he'd be going to live with them."
Spike got a contemplative look on his face. "Yeah, wearing out the censors with f-bombs and helping Ozzy work the remote-my mom tried to program the VCR with a fork once and ended up electrocuting herself back into 1985, just like Michael J. Fox in 'Back to the Future'...I always thought that Lea Thompson was pretty hot." He broke off to see the others staring at him with confusion. "What?"
"Spike," Willow ventured, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm just saying that Ozzy Osbourne is fucking awesome, man." Spike explained in a tone that said he thought this fact was obvious enough.
"Today," Mrs. Walsh informed the class, "we are going to learn about tolerance."
"And why tolerance is for spineless fudgepacking hippies!" Mrs. Sock screeched shrilly. "Join the Initiative, kids! You get to shoot the lowlife, scum-sucking abominations that have overrun South Hellmouth! Human superiority!"
Buffy groaned. Trust Mrs. Walsh to give a biased lesson on being nice to people.
Xander muttered. "Dude! That's some fucked up shit right there."
Mrs. Walsh attempted to brainwash her class into joining the Initiative, but, failing that, had to settle for handing out informative pamphlets for the children to give to their parents. After this, they studied spelling, mathematics, and Hawking's theory on the universe.
Thankfully, before Mrs. Walsh could try again to brainwash the class-this time using the traditional swinging watch-and-chain instead of the newfangled black-and-white swirly disk-it was lunchtime. "Hooray!" the kids all cried, and stampeded out the door.
Instead of going for the lunchroom, however, Buffy wandered over to the library. She was obviously very upset about what Mrs. Walsh had said that morning, because normally, no student except for those on the Honor Roll would be found within a two-hundred yard radius of the card catalogue.
"Hello, Buffy. What seems to be the problem?" The school librarian, Giles, asked once he had gotten over the shock.
"Mhhn hhmmhmh mhm, nhh mhmh mhmhm!" Buffy explained. Giles looked worried.
"Are you sure?"
Giles became very pale. "I can't believe it. I can't believe that someone hit Ringo Starr with a truck! I mean, he's a Beatle! He's famous! Not as famous as Paul or John, granted, but-"
"MMGGHH!" Buffy shouted. "Mm-hn Hhmm mhmhm hm Hmmhnnh! Hmmhnnh mm!"
"That bitch!" Giles cried, not missing a beat, "If I can't recruit children to the Monty Python Appreciation Society, Mrs. Walsh can't recruit children into the Initiative! I have to take this up with Principal Flutie!"
Buffy groaned. She was the Slayer! But hindered as she was by this stumpy child-body, she needed all the help she could get. And all the help she could get was her Watcher, currently more interested in administration than the staking of vampire hearts; Willow, too busy mooning over Tara to care about anything else; Spike, mysteriously non-vampy but still an asshole; and Xander...who was, well, Xander. Apparently, no one else remembered Sunnydale as it had been.
Frustrated, she made her way back to the cafeteria for a quick lunch.
Buffy staggered around the lunchroom, making various strangled choking noises and turning blue in the face. Finally, she passed out in front of the soda machines. Willow ran up to her and felt for a pulse, finding none.
"Oh my god, they killed Buffy!"
Xander cried, "You bastards!"
Spike did not want to be out tonight. It was cold and rainy and he was missing the syndicated episode of 'Passions' on the Soap Opera Network! Damn Mrs. the Bloody and her craving for pickles and butterscoth pudding.
As Spike entered the 24-hour convenience store, he was followed by a mysterious stranger. This mysterious stranger followed him to the pudding section and murmured, "Hello there!"
"Who the hell are you?" Spike snapped, too busy debating whether to buy the instant pudding or the pre-made pudding cups to turn around and punch the mysterious stranger in the face.
"I'm Big Gay Angel!" the mysterious stranger announced.
Spike turned around and punched Big Gay Angel in the face.
Hurrying home two minutes later with a jar of Vlasic pickles, five packages of Handi-Snacks pudding, and a bag of Broody Poofs (Spike's favorite snack) Spike wondered why the hell somebody called Big Gay Angel had followed him. He also wondered why he had felt such a sense of savage joy at smashing the pouf's nose in-usually, punching someone in the face only yielded a feeling of satisfaction from Spike.
Once Spike entered the the Bloody house, he knew that something was wrong. Mrs. the Bloody was sitting on the couch watching 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'
"Mum, 'The Powerpuff Girls' are on now. I thought you liked that show." Spike said gently, setting down the grocery bags and picking up the remote.
"Don't be silly, darling," Mrs. the Bloody said, "A happy celestial being has come down from the stars for a visit, and we have to keep him entertained."
"What does that mean?" Spike demanded.
"He's in the kitchen." Mrs. the Bloody replied, surprisingly straightforward.
Staring at his mother in concern, Spike gathered up the groceries and went into the kitchen.
"You! What the fuck are you doing here?" Spike shouted at Big Gay Angel.
"Your mommy invited me in! She's positively delightful, Spike!" Big Gay Angel explained cheerfully.
"No, I mean, what do you want with me?"
Big Gay Angel wagged his finger scoldingly at Spike, "Now, now, that's cheating! But I'd suggest that you make sure Mommy Dearest stays out of the sun, doesn't cook Italian food, and stops going to church."
Spike backed away from Big Gay Angel. Buffy had thought Spike was a vampire...a vampire shows up at Spike's house and turns Drusilla...Buffy knew something important. There was a crucifix hanging over the kitchen doorway, but Spike didn't know how to get to it before the vampire noticed...
"Spike, where's my pudding and pickles?"
Big Gay Angel picked up the grocery bag with the pudding and pickles and flounced away into the living room. "There you go, Dru!" He said chirpily.
Spike immediately jumped onto a chair and wrenched the crucifix from the wall. "Okay, you bastard, out now!" He yelled, running into the living room and pressing the cross against Big Gay Angel's face.
Big Gay Angel howled in pain and screeched, "My face! Owwwie! Do you know how much concealer it will take to cover up these burns?!"
"Poor you!" Spike snarled. He kicked Big Gay Angel in the family jewels and shoved the pink-clad vampire out the front door.
"Mmm, Spike honey, d'you want some pickles?"