Author's Note: This chapter didn't come out as I expected, nor did the end, but it worked so what the hell?
Author's Warning: Fluffyness. Eck, but hopefully you will feel it ;)
Author's Note 2: Can I just say how much your reviews help? The more reviews I get, the more I want to update! And it's the same for all authors; so if you want an author to update their story, REVIEW! Shouting helps...
Dedicated to 'angryFAN!'
Finally, a smile!
"Mya," said Lyssa from behind, "do you know how cute your hair looks? You should keep it like that."
"Well, if someone invents a spell that can permanently dye your hair, I'll get back to you." They were currently walking up the Great Hall to the Gryffindor table, and the majority of the people were staring at them, as they were quite late.
They sat in the only free seats left, which just happened to be on the Slytherin side of the table. She noticed the Slytherins that she and the others had duelled with sat looking at them with smirks all over their faces. Hermione suddenly remembered that they had been knocked out. Exactly how they got back to full health so quickly was suspicious, but as to why no one had been disciplined for their wounds was beyond her. The only annoying thing was they knew exactly how to set Hermione off.
McGonagall tapped her spoon against her glass and every eye in hall moved to look at Dumbledore, who had stood.
"Welcome to the Halloween Feast and Late Night Ball. I do hope you all enjoy yourselves tonight. Please note that the ball does finish at twelve o'clock and any persons wandering the halls past this time will be disciplined. Enough talk, eat!"
She watched as Dumbledore picked up his menu, and then spoke from the list. People all around her followed his direction, and the food appeared on the table immediately. She ordered Roast Lamb and Potatoes. Hermione looked at it and was surprised when her stomach did not constrict at the smell of it. Instead, she felt hungry. Very hungry. This was no surprise seeing how she hadn't had a full meal in months. For dessert she chose chocolate cheesecake.
Everybody in the hall was bearing high spirits. Even Hermione was happier than she had been in a while. The night progressed easily into the ball, every single person in the hall cooperating with each other. There were no sarcastic, crude or mean comments towards anyone else, which meant no fights. The night was pleasant. It was like no other.
Hermione sat at a small rounded table - Dumbledore had banished the old tables and filled the room with small rounded ones - watching Harry and Ginny dancing. Ron and Lyssa were chatting merrily to each other, and Draco had gone to get them all drinks.
Getting slightly sick of Lyssa flirting with Ron, and watching all the happy couples dancing, Hermione made her way around the dance floor towards the drinks stand.
She saw Draco talking to Snape, quite discreetly, in the corner next to the stand. Snape said something and Draco turned around, grinned, waved her over, and then turned back to Snape. So, she decided to go over, even if she was on strange terms with Snape.
But before she could get close enough, Draco was walking towards her. She grinned at him, and at his own overly large smile.
"I thought you were getting drinks, Mr Malfoy." He looked confused for a while, but then realisation hit.
"Oh, no, well, yeah, but, no. I just wanted to go talk to S- Professor Snape, and thought I'd get some drinks seeing as I was over there." She raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask more.
They stood there for a few more seconds before Draco nervously asked, "Do you want to dance?"
She looked onto the dance floor, and watched the couples dancing. It was quite a slow song playing, which she thought she could handle better than actually having to dance in front of him.
She looked back to him and smiled, "Yes."
He took hold of her hand and pulled, or walked, her onto the dance floor. When he had found a comfortable spot, he pulled her in front of him and put his hands on each side of her waist. Almost feeling obliged, she wrapped her arms around neck, and leant her head against her shoulder. The warmth coming from within his t-shirt succeeded in not only calming Hermione, but sending her into some blissful alternate reality. Her mind drifted, to what she didn't know, to far places, before it was bought back with large thud and thunderous shock as Draco took hold of one of her hands, gently rubbing his thumb against it. He also pulled her closer. Closer, so that she felt far too many emotions at one time. There was shock, almost definitely. Peacefulness at feeling so safe. Happiness that she was so close to him. And worry, that he made her feel so weak. She felt so safe in his arms that all her defences broke down, and she knew she couldn't afford that, not right now. Even if it meant that Draco thought she was uncomfortable. She had stiffened incredibly in his arms, so he was tracing small circles, lines and what felt like numbers, on her back to calm her down. But, before she could bring back her defences, someone drawled from behind,
"Oh look, it's the traitor and his Mudblood whore." The last part was aimed directly at Hermione. It was Pansy, of course, and she had poked Hermione when she had said it. In the back. Right where the sons of... dogs, had scarred her.
The only incoherent words that her mind could form as the entire school, world, hell even the universe felt like it was caving in on her, were 'they know'. Before she could stop her self, her reflexes screamed at her that she needed out, now, and that she need air to be able to breathe, and so she ran out of the Great Hall, out of the main doors and out onto Hogwarts grounds.
It was a lot easier to breathe in the fresh air. The sudden feeling of claustrophobia was released instantly, as though it had been holding her prisoner. In all technicalities, it had.
She had thought she was over it. She had thought that she was over at least most of the torture her life had been, but when she was in the great hall, it had all come crashing down onto her. Shaking from the pressure, she fell to her knees, tears sliding down her face, credit to an unsuccessful effort to stop them.
She was surprised that what was going through her mind was so different than what she would have thought. The rapes should have been torturing her, weakening her to no end and then pushing her so far over the edge that she'd tried to kill herself. Which, had happened, but at the moment all she could think about was her parents, and the knot inside her stomach that wouldn't leave. The knot inside her stomach that was telling her how much she needed the love of a parent. The unconditional love that was supposed to be there for her when times were tough.
They were supposed to help her through this. She shouldn't be doing it by herself. Granted, she had her friends, but nothing could make up to the love of a parent. She had no one else, not like Harry had. He had had Sirius, but Hermione had no one. She thought she knew her mother had loved her, but she had never shown it in a way she should have. Her mother should have known about the abuse. She should have been able to read through her only daughter's façade. Her mother should have known her better than any other.
It suddenly hit her, that her father had hated her because she wasn't his, and that her mother probably knew this. Her mother had probably always expected her father to treat her poorly for the pure fact he was her blood. He was a freaking Death Eater after all!
And, quite annoyingly, and heart-breaking, she realised how psychologically messed up she really must be. She was extremely depressed before she even started school. Part of her knew that her father was capable of rape.
Hermione was in her room, reading Hogwarts, A History. She heard her father come home and yell to her. She got up briskly and ran down the stairs to find out what had happened, why he was yelling for her; he never yelled for her. Well, unless she was running from him. Her father was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs; she saw the look on his face and started shaking. The fear in her grew tremendously as she got closer to his evil looking face. She knew what was coming, and she knew it was bad.
"Yes, Father" she said, her voice shaking with fear. He grabbed her collar in pinned her up to the wall, strangling her with his grip.
"Was this you?" shouted her father, holding up his coat that held a rather large rip in it.
"No" she replied, growing more apprehensive by the second. She knew he would give any excuse to hurt her, and this was his favourite coat.
"Really, then why are you looking so guilty?" he chuckled evilly, letting go of her so she fell back to the stairs and then pulled her by her hair and pushed her to the floor. She fell with a large yell, hitting her back against the corner of a large wooden, rather pointy desk. She was crying. Crying with fear, and pain.
"Father! It wasn't me!" She cried, now rubbing her back, though the force of her hand just made the pain worse.
"Are you saying it was me?" He kicked her in the stomach. "Your mother certainly didn't do it" He kicked her again. Could he not see the pain she was in? "Then again, she'd probably love a reason for me to beat you up". She couldn't believe what she was hearing! Was he getting some kind of pleasure out her pain? What did her mother really know? Did she know? Did she really like to hear that her 'loving' husband was abusing her daughter? No, she can't...
"Your bluffing, she doesn't know what you do to me, what you do to your own daughter!" She replied, crying in pain. But she immediately knew that what she had said was the wrong thing to say in this situation. But, to her, it didn't matter; it was coming anyway.
"DON'T YOU DARE YELL AT ME! DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT I DO KNOW AND DON'T KNOW. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!" he yelled in her face and slapped her hard. She screamed and he laughed. She looked back at him laughing, getting pleasure out of her pain. She was shocked, he'd never laughed before now. She gave him a look of disgust. He saw this. He picked her up by her hair and threw her onto the couch next to them.
Suddenly, there was a ding! at the door. Her father froze.
She knew. A small part of her had subconsciously known that he would have done it, even though her mind and heart forced her to think otherwise.
'I know more than you will ever know', he had said. Well, that was true. He knew that her mother had known, the whole time. He had known all the secrets they were keeping from her. It all made sense now, his behaviour wasn't surprising. A Death Eater couldn't be expected to love her, even if she was his wife's daughter. And her mother had known that and she had never stopped him! Never ever tried to hold her and protect and reassure her! She had never been there for her.
The knot squirmed more. Maybe she never had been truly loved. Who would love their daughter if she had come from a man who had raped them? Even if it had been forced. How could someone bring themselves to love that sort of being?
But, that shouldn't matter. She was just an innocent little girl, who knew nothing, had done nothing and deserved so much more. So much better.
It had never really hit her before. Before now. She longed for that love. The love that should be unconditional, and would have saved her in many ways. But, now, she would always have a part of her missing. The pain was unbearable, worse than she had ever experienced before, and she fell to the floor, hugging her legs with uncontrollable sobs.
She didn't understand what had set off the memories, and the feelings, but it didn't matter.
"In a moment, everything can change, feel the wind on your shoulder. For a minute, all the world can wait, let go of your yesterday. Can you hear it calling, can you hear it in your soul? Can you trust this longing, and take control? Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away, you can shine, forget about the reason why you cant in life and start to try, cause its your time, time to fly. All your worries, leave them somewhere else, find a dream you can follow. Reach for something, when there's nothing left, and the worlds feeling hollow. Can you hear it calling, can you feel it in your soul, can you trust this longing and take control? Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away, you can shine, forget about the reason why you cant in life and start to try, cause its your time, time to fly. And when your down, you feel alone, just wanna run away. Trust your self and don't give up, you know you better than anyone else. In a moment, everything can change, feel the wind on your shoulder, for a minute all the world can wait, let go of yesterday!"
Then things got more complicated. Thoughts of Draco, thoughts of her friends and almost peculiarly, thoughts of trust. She didn't know if she would ever be able to trust anyone, other than Harry, Ron and Ginny. The three of them had stuck by Mya for five years. They had never hurt her, and she knew deep within her heart that they never would. And, Draco; as easy as it was for her to feel like she trusted him, she knew that she couldn't and that she wouldn't for a long time. She hardly knew him, and she was falling in love, but that didn't make all the shit he had put her through go away.
The thing she needed more than ever, was understanding. She just wanted someone that understood her to be by her side through thick and thin, and to help her sort out her mind, as it was so obviously messed up. It had been long before she had been kidnapped, maybe even long before she started Hogwarts. You don't just magically get over that sort of abuse and reject.
But all the shit that had happened before Hogwarts, had slowly died away. She had never had real friends, and now she had three of the best anyone could ask for. She could trust them. They were fun and they cared. Ron and Harry were her friends, she could have fun with them, and they would always cheer her up. Ginny was there to talk to, even if she didn't realise it. She would talk to her about how she felt without ever telling her why. And Ginny never asked. And that's all she had needed back then.
But now she needed more. She needed to fill the emptiness in her heart that was caused by her 'father'. She needed to feel that real love, not just friendship, which came with certain relationships. She could feel herself falling in love with Draco, and he was slowly filling that empty space, but until they were together - if, rather - it would always be a vacuum of what could have been.
And suddenly, even more emotions came over, and she felt purely hopeless. Like everything was falling down around her. Like she was drowning, and was losing all the energy to pull herself back up, and her safety was too far away to help.
More sobs racked her body as she let out cries filled with pain.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt somebody behind her. She didn't need to hear him, or look around, to know who it was. The person who sent shivers down her spine, made the butterflies spring to life in her stomach and made her head cloud up, was walking up to her.
He sat down behind her, and wrapped his arms around her waist. She leaned back against his chest and just cried. He gently rocked her, soothing her. She twisted so that she was sideways to him, her head lying on his shoulder, and her arms hugging his arms with all her might.
He started drawing circles, lines, and just random shapes on her back, which made her tingle, and successfully relax. She needed this, she needed him, but the fear of rejection was too high. She couldn't make the first move. Just the thought of rejection from the person she loved caused her heart to contract. Apparently she had stiffened too, because Draco started whispering soothing noises in her ear.
After a long time, he finally spoke,
"Hermione?" She made a noise that resembled 'hm'. She was far to relaxed to even try to respond to that.
"My arm is going dead, and its about to fall off, you're not the lightest thing in the world," he said, sarcasm dripping from each and every corner, except one which was deadly serious. Exactly how many corners there are in a speech, is unknown, but that is besides the point.
Great, now she was getting sarcastic, a definite sign she was going crazy, and she still hadn't moved. So, she did. She sat up, turned around, folded her legs and stared at him. She had recently found that you could read someone by reading their eyes. Usually you just look at a person, to let them know you're listening, but she had recently found that if you really looked into their eyes, you could see the emotions they felt.
Draco showed pain. That was obvious. He wasn't over what he had been through, just like she wasn't. He also showed that he was concerned about her, and that he was confused. And then she realised he was doing the exact same thing she was and so she quickly looked away.
"How do I, get through a night without you? If I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be? Oh I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold. You're my world my heart my soul! If you ever leave, baby you would take away everything, good in my life. And tell me now; how do I live without you? I want to know. How do I breathe without you? If you ever go how do I ever, ever survive?"
Draco placed a finger under her chin and pulled her face back up to look at him. Her stomach was twisting and fluttering something chronic, and her brain was clouded so much she felt impulse actions were going to break through. But she slammed them down. She couldn't do it. If he wanted it, he'd have to do it, as she was far too insecure to do it herself.
"Do you remember that day, when you were in the Empty World, and we sat in the boys Gryffindor rooms, on the window sill watching the sunset?" She nodded her affirmation. "And I said that I loved you?" She nodded again, hoping with all her heart this was going where she wanted it. "Do you believe that I do?"
"Yes. I can tell you care for me. You're always there when I need you." She smiled.
She couldn't answer that. She couldn't voice her fears, either; for fear that they would be used against her. She tried to throw all of the conflicting emotions into her eyes, so he would see and so he would know how she felt. But then, "I need you."
He smiled. One of the only general ones he had shown her. "Good, because I need you. I meant what I said, I'm nothing without you, Hermione. I need you more than you will ever know, but I hope that you feel the same way. You're the best friend I've ever had. Hell, the only one, truly."
Friend. The best friend. And her heart fell somewhere in the vicinity of her stomach. This was why she had never made the first move, because she knew she'd end up getting hurt. He thought of her as a friend, nothing more.
"Yeah, I do need you Draco. You're a great friend. I'll always be here for you, as long as you're-"
And he kissed her, cutting her off.
She sat in shock, her mind screaming that she had to do something but her body just would not move. After a few seconds, she started to melt into the kiss, kissing his bottom lip while he kissed her top. It was the best kiss she had ever had. He poured all the love he felt into it, and that love was returned. They parted, and she leaned her forehead against his, with the biggest grin on her face. Bigger than she had had in a long time. Her heart was temporarily rid of all the horrible emotions, just filled with love for the boy in front of her. Her stomach was fluttering even more than normal, and even though she felt horribly weak, she didn't care. She felt the love he had given, and she knew it was real.
"You were saying?" he asked. But she had no idea what she had been saying. All she could think about was that kiss.
"You are the only one with the power to surface my fears and use them to my advantage. Thank you."
He let out a small laugh. "When I told you I loved you, it was as more than a friend. I didn't realise until a few weeks back. But I do love you Hermione, more than anything."
"I love you too." She grinned.
"You do? Wow, I never thought -"and she repaid the favour and cut him off with a kiss. This one more passionate than the first, but she poured everything she could into it. As the kiss deepened, Draco pushed her onto her back. He ran his tongue over her bottom lip, and she met it. They broke apart and just stared at each other. Each could see the love they shared for each other in the other's eyes. Draco's looked brighter than they had, ever; in all the time she had known him.
"How do you do it?" she asked. He raised an inquiring eyebrow. He was currently laying his side on the ground and his front on her, with an arm around her waist. "How did... How could you kiss me like that? I've wanted this for a while now, but I couldn't bring myself to do it."
She shrugged. "My past. It's made me insecure, and the fear of rejection was too high. I couldn't stand the thought of you rejecting me, 'cause it would have pushed me over the edge and... you know, been there, done that, didn't really enjoy it."
He giggled. Actually giggled. And she knew then that he was truly happy. And her heart squirmed in pleasure when she realised she was the cause. That she had made someone else truly happy.
"I could see it in yours eyes. They were calling me." He said jokingly. She hit him playfully on the arm, which was returned. "I'm serious!" she laughed. "So was I!" and she hit him again, a bit harder, which caused him to lunge at her, making her scream with laughter as he tickled her profusely. She started hitting him, "Stop it, Draco!" she repeated, to no avail.
"Don't hit me ever again and then I'll stop." She could not promise that, so she changed the hand of power to hers, and started tickling him instead. He was obviously more ticklish than she was as he fell on her. She turned them round so she was on top, and tickled him in revenge. "Stop! Stop it." He said between breaths.
"I'm sorry! Sorry sorry sorry please stop!" he cried. She grinned and let him go. Still sat on his waist, she leaned down to kiss him on the nose, and then just stared at him.
In her defence, she hadn't fallen for him because of his body; but that body was extremely pretty. The top he was wearing highlighted all of his muscles, and she just stared down at them appreciatively. When the time came, she knew she would enjoy those.
"Are you going to get off me? Or do I have to start tickling you again?" She removed herself from him, sitting restlessly, waiting for him to get up. She didn't like the break in contact very much. She wanted to be in his arms, where she felt so safe.
He sat up, folded his legs and stared at her.
"I can't believe you did that! How did you know I was so ticklish? I shouldn't have -"he cut her off with a kiss. She fell into it before she realised she had been berating him. "Don't think that you kissing-"he cut her off again. This time it was harder to pull back, but she did. "-that you kissing me is going to get you off the hook. You will pay-"and he cut her off again, and this time she didn't pull away. The kiss lasted about a minute before they broke apart, breathing heavily.
She narrowed her eyes thoughtfully, before crawling on top of him, a position that was well known between the two, and just hugged him. He replicated the cuddle, and she just sat there for what felt like hours but in reality was only minutes.
"Don't hurt me." She finally choked out.
She could feel him shake his head. She moved to look at him, but he caught her lips in the softest kiss she had ever felt. Lightly touching her lips with his own, before replying,
"I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, and nobody's gonna bring me down today. Been feeling like nothing's been going my way lately, but I decided right here, right now, that my outlook's gonna change. That's why I'm gonna say goodbye to all the tears I've cried everytime somebody hurt my pride, feeling like they wont let me live life, and take the time to looks at what is mine.
"I believe they can take anything from me, but they cant succeed in taking my inner peace from me, they can say all they wanna say about me but I'm gonna carry on.
"I never wanna dwell on the pain again, there's no use in reliving how I hurt back then. Remembering too well the hell I felt when I was running out of faith. Every step I'm about take well its towards a better day, cause I'm bout to say farewell to every single lie and all the fears I've held too long inside. Every time I felt I couldn't try, all the negativity and strife. Cause too long I've been struggling, couldn't go on, but now I've found I'm feeling strong and I'm moving on.
"Every time I tried to be what they wanted from me, it never came naturally, so it ended in misery. Was unable to see all the good around me, wasting so much energy on what they thought of me than simply just remembering to breathe.
"I believe they can take anything from me, but they, cant succeed in taking me inner peace from me, they can say all they wanna say about me but I'm gone carry on."
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this. I want to say a few things about this, and what made me write it.
As it says in my profile, I wrote this because A) I had read so many fics, and B) I have seen so much and read so much and been through certain stuff that the stuff I was feeling needed to have an outlet. I have to admit that I had expected people to flame me after I had Hermione's father rape her. I guess that means that people know that this does happen. I'm still not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
There is a lot more to where a lot of the other things came from. At the beginning I was extremely tempted to let me flow into Hermione, but I knew I couldn't do that, so I made a new character ;)
I'm sure none of you even noticed my subtle hints towards things. Like why each of the 5, except Ron, were attacked by Voldemort in some way. Why Hermione could speak Latin. How she managed to throw Pansy so far with WANDLESS MAGIC. Exactly why Hermione felt the pull towards Draco and why her feelings went from hate to love so quickly. I have to beg to differ when people say that there is a thin line between love and hate, especially the kind between Mya and Draco. And, I want to hear some questions about Lyssa!
Anyways, most of that will be covered in the sequel. I'm planning to make it readable-alone, as I doubt a lot of people will want to read this fic. I'm also going to up the rating to R, now. Also also I will be writing another fic, which will probably come before the sequel to this. It is called "Harry Potter and the Torch of Green Flame" and it should be HP/SS and a 'back to the past' fic. I hope to make it good, and interesting, and it's going to be something I've never read before.
Basically, I need a beta who is willing to help me figure stuff out, is willing to read sometimes long chapters and can beta-read the chapter as soon as I send it. AND this fic will be LONG. It wont even go to the past until after a few chappies, prob 10, and it will spend 2 years back there, so I'm guessing you can see it now? No? Oh well. If you're interested, please contact me.
You know, I'm so happy right now? Ever since I started writing this I vowed to use Christina Aguilera's 'Keep on Singing my Song'. To me, the lyrics fit in so well.
Anyways, comments are much appreciated and thanks to all those who have stuck by me.
AngryFAN: Thanks for the flame... made me get my butt moving. And thanks to everyone else who shouted at me to get moving... really does help when I get hysterical people reviewing like that!
Fan: you think Lyssa is too fluffy? Ha, cool. And about the causing Hermione more pain... er... sorry.
maddie (madrigal)/Skye : I suppose it's good to hear you do have another life... cause I don't! you cant big me enough about updating! Seriously, its your reviews who make me update!
Bledding black rose: I guess you like their outfits?
And thankyou to all the other nice people who reviewed!
There will only be one more chapter to this... an epilogue! It's the epilogue and prologue to the sequel to this, so it will give you a taster of what will be in the sequel.