15Disclaimer: It doesn't belong to me, as I know you all ready knew, so why bother writing it anyway. Well don't ask me, I'm just doing as my schizophrenic other part told me to do. Heh heh!
Summary: When you're suffering you sometimes find solace in someone you quite didn't expect. Dark fic! Be warned MM/AD =)
No Nightmares Tonight!
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I always go here. I always go here after classes are dismissed and I have some free time to kill. Well since summer I've been coming here. Now it's February. My breath, misty white, jumps around my face, my nose's freezing, and I would bet you a thousand sickles, that it's scarlet too. I see my favourite tree, the big oak tree, its bare branches reaching out toward the crystal blue sky and the lake. There isn't a single cloud in the sky, only blueness as far as the eye can see. I can see the tribune at the Quidditch pitch and the castle booming highly up in my view, when I look back. I quickly turn around toward the lake and sit down on the ground, my back leaning against the oak tree.
I love it here it's so quiet. No one but me, only me and my own musings. It's my last year here at Hogwarts and for that I'm really glad. Ever since this summer everything seems depressing. I thought coming back to Hogwarts would cheer me up, but I was wrong. I feel like I am in a cage, everyone starring at me, pointing and talking behind my back. Everyone tries to understand me; at least they say they want to. But that's just something they have to say. It wouldn't be good reputation not too, now would it? I can't take all the false sympathy. It suffocates me. The students are just as bad as the teachers. No one understands me. How could they? O yeah they say they do, but I know they don't. The way they all look at me when my tears starts to fall, whenever I hear that name - the way they look at me when I snap at everyone, whenever they mention his name. I can't take it! No one understands me! Not even him!
I can feel tears forming in my eyes; I don't want to cry now. I don't. I sniff. I sniff again and again. And I can feel a warm tear rolling down along my cheek. I just want to get out of here to a place where no one will find me. To a place where I can sit alone forever and ever. Maybe not forever. I want to make him suffer first. I want to make him feel the pain I feel now, feel the agonizing pain throbbing in my heart, in my veins, in my blood. It's like a disease, running along in my body, never vanishing. But always there, and it will be there for an eternity. There's no cure! I want him dead! But first I want him to feel pain like he has never felt before. I want that so deeply it scares me sometimes. It scares me now! I hate him! I really do. I know I'm not the only one who does, I know I'm not the only one he's making suffer, but I'm the only one here! Here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Here where everyone is safe, but me. My friends I don't talk to anymore. At first they tried to talk to me as we used to, but now they've stopped trying to get me to talk to them. I don't want to talk to them they don't understand me. Not anymore, they used to, but I've changed. I've changed a lot since summer. My teachers smiles friendly at me, but I know they talk about me behind my back too. They can't understand the way I behave. They don't understand why I'm not interested a bit in my school or N.E.W.T.s.
As I said before they don't understand me. No one does. I have no one to turn to! They're all gone. Gone before I had time to say goodbye. Sometimes I wish I could have gone with them! But alas I sit here. Alas he didn't kill me. Why! Why didn't he kill me too? I would have preferred that, instead of this pain I feel. It's now thousand of tears instead of one that streams down my face. My shoulders shake at my effort trying to hold back. It doesn't work. I sit here all alone crying. I sometimes wants to commit suicide, I really do. A psychologist would say suicide is a persons last call for help. But I don't have anyone to call for. If no one understands me how can they help me then? The pain is getting too much. I can't take it. I roll up my left sleeve, and pull out my wand.
"Cutos"
Another pain blends with the first. But this pain is different, it's over- throbbing my first. My tears stop, and my breath come in ragged gasp. I look down at my left arm. A red angry scratch has appeared, a bit of blood trickling down towards my hand. I sigh. And I smile a little crooked. I'm just glad that I don't feel the first pain.
"Cutos"
I repeat the spell again and again. It helps. I'm so wound up in myself and my arm that I don't hear footsteps coming up behind me, I wish I had. Cutting yourself isn't something you want your teacher to see. He just sits down beside me, looking at me sadly and seriously. He looks at my arm, just to look at my eyes again. I look down. I don't want his pity or sympathy. Or anything. My hands fall down my sides, my wand falling away from my hand, my shoulder slouch. I look at the lake's shining surface. I look at everything but him. I'm a little embarrassed at him seeing me in this state. What won't he think!
"Minerva" he starts. I can feel his intense eyes on me. I sniff again. Not that I want to, but my nose is running. My hands tremble, and I can't really get over the fact that he used my first name. That's not appropriate for a teacher speaking to his student. Had it been before this summer, I would have looked up and smiled at him. But even a crush doesn't mean anything more. Not after this summer. But it's not before this summer, so I just answer, my voice doubling over with a little sob.
"Yes?"
"I know how you're feeling." he starts, but stops when I look angrily up at him. Tears are now burning furiously behind my eyes. How dare he! He doesn't know what I feel. He doesn't understand me.
"How can you say that! You don't know a hack of my feelings! You just come here, judging me! I just want to be left alone. I just want to get away, away from you and all the others!" I angrily spit at him. I'm shaking my fist at him and I guess my eyes are sending daggers. While screaming at him, I have jumped up, and am now standing before him. They always start like that - We know how you feel, we understand. But they don't.
I then notice his eyes. They're usually twinkling, smiling merrily at everyone. They're not now. And that's when or why I suddenly can't control my legs. They don't carry my weight anymore and I land on the ground once more. I am sobbing more uncontrollable than before, my so tight up emotions running their own way, my emotions being held in reign from summer coming out. Everything seems like a blur, my tears shadowing my view to the world. I feel so alone. I feel like I've failed him. My teacher.
Just then I feel two strong arms embracing my trembling body. Encircling me in a warm comfort. I lean against his torso, my breathing slowing a bit. I relax a little, breathing in his sweet scent. He's rocking me back and forth just like a parent soothing a little kid. But I'm no kid! I feel his hand stroking my hair, the other rubbing my back gently. My tears slowly stop to stream, my vision coming clear again. We sit like this for a time, none of us breaking the silence, but a bird singing and chattering with others once in a while.
"I'm sorry! I shouldn't have let you down like this, Minerva," He says quietly after a while. I finally look him in his eyes, not quite understanding what he is saying. What does he mean? If passers-by should have seen us, we'd been quite a sight: me snuggling against him, his arms around me. If it were anyone who knew us, they would die of shock.
"What do you mean, professor?" It feels weird calling him that, as we're sitting as lovers. As that thought creeps through my mind, I feel my face blushing furiously. I look down again or I at least try to, but he catches my chin, lifting my head up, our eyes connecting.
"I should've known how much you were suffering, I should have helped you! Now don't interrupt me," he says when he sees my mouth opening, "I want you to understand. I blame myself for not helping you. Can you forgive me?"
I can't believe the take of this talk. Why shouldn't I forgive him! He's. I blush again. Maybe I was not quite right when I thought my crush was over. He's my favourite teacher. I know I'm his favourite too, even though teachers aren't supposed to have favourites. In my 6th year I remember staying behind to ask him extra questions, it always ending by us playing chess and drinking chocolate. That happened frequently in my 6th year, but stopped after the summer. Sometimes during that time I didn't feel like his student, but a friend. I loved those times. They all ended abrupt when I returned. I remember him trying to talk to me friendly, but as I said I thought he would not understand me. I was wrong at that. If there's one person in the whole world who can understand me, it's him, I now just realise.
"Of course I forgive you," I splutter out, trying to smile, but that just don't work. I can't smile. But he's quite different; his face breaks into a joyous smile his eyes twinkling madly. How can one turn down such a smile! It taints! And I feel my own mouth curve up in a half circle. That of course makes him smile more, and I then can't help myself. It's an evil circle!
"Thank you," I whisper. I really mean it. If it hadn't been for him, I would still be sitting on my own crying. Now I have one to share my burdens with. At least I hope I do! He answers my unspoken question when I look at him again. He'll be with me the whole way I know. Just then he rises, pulling me with him. He looks at the soon to be darkened sky, then at the castle.
"About time we go back. They'll be serving dinner in." he looks at his weird clock with all the half moons and planets, "two minutes. I for myself am quite hungry. What do you say about that?"
I just nod. It's fine with me; I was getting a cramp in my left leg, because of the angle I've been sitting in and to be quite earnest I am starving. He gives me a reassuring look before we both head back to the castle. None of us say a word before we both stand by the fat lady. I have to change my clothes (there's a grass stain on my robes) and wash my face a little before I head down to the great hall. Or else I'm sure everyone can see I've been crying, with my red swollen eyes and stuff. The Fat Lady just gives us a look and ask nonchalant for the 'password'. I am just about to give it when he lays an arm on my shoulder and turn me around. I look at him questionably and confused. Why is his eyes twinkling more that ever? They are like two glinting miniature stars, blinking like mad. And then he does something incredible unpredictable, in a corridor that could be occupied by other humans! He leans down toward me, his lips touching mine lightly, and say only for my ears: "I love you!"
And he's gone before I can react in any way. He just leaves me standing there motionless starring after him with my mouth hanging open. It takes me five more seconds to gather my thoughts, and myself and I look around for the first time. Luckily there's no one around. I could just imagine what a scandal it could be, if someone had seen it. I sigh and finger my lips. If I had a mirror now, I bet my eyes would be twinkling just like his. I turn around and nearly jump ten feet high when The Fat Lady gives me a queer look. I had totally forgotten her. I feel my cheeks warming up and hurry inside the common room, giving her the password quickly. I'm happy there's no one in here; they are all in The Great Hall having dinner. I walk slowly up to my room, all the while thinking about him, the kiss and the three words. The three words! He actually said that. I smile - I love you too.
*
It's dark. Completely dark with shadows creeping around soundlessly, the corridor is only lit by a few torches. But I know where I am going. I know the path; I've been there before. Only a few hours earlier I was smiling. I was quite happy. That's gone now, completely. Silent tears are again slithering down my cheeks. I have to blink frequently to see anything aside from a blur. In no time I stand before the door. His door! Where I before had been walking with haste, wanting to get to my destination, I now halter. I hesitate. With tears still flowing I stand like a motionless statuette. What if he doesn't want to see me? What if the things he said earlier wasn't true? What if he isn't there? What if he has visitors? What if. - Where's your so-called Gryffindor courage now, I scold myself. I lift my hand and knock. I knock five times so loudly I wonder if I'll wake any others too. Finally the door creaks open, a sleepy Albus Dumbledore peeping through. He smiles when he sees me, but that smile falters when a torch reflects my tear-soaked face. I just stand there, I can't say anything, so I just nod when he ask me in.
"Nightmare?" He asks looking at me worriedly.
"Mmm" I say and nod again. We are sitting on his couch, a candlelight illuminating the room. "I don't want to be alone!" There, I said it! I look up at him to see his reacting.
"You're not alone"
"Do you mean. um. those words you said?" I have to know. Since he kissed me and said it, I've been wondering about it. Pondering about it, from difference aspects. He could have meant something else, couldn't he? His gaze turns to something else as I ask the question. A look I've seen seldom. That's the way he looks, when he's transfiguring something, when he eats his much beloved candy, the look he gave me just a few hours ago. He loves me. He really does. My tears stop, though the nightmare is still clear in my vision. I could sing when I hear his reply.
"Yes I do. I'm in love with you Minerva." He doesn't get farther, because I fling myself at him, giving him a BIG hug. He's in love with me! A chuckle escapes from his throat and I feel his arms going around me. I grin and bury my head in his golden brown - and rather ticklish - beard. I look up just in time to see his face coming closer to mine; I lean forward and capture his mouth with my own. The kiss is long and passionate. I begin to explore his mouth with my tongue; he taste sweet, just like a candy. I wonder if he eats candies before he goes to bed too. He probably do, it wouldn't surprise me!
Later on I lie in his arms in his bedroom. The thin sheets only cover half of me. I can hear him breathing slowly through my dark hair, his heart drumming in my ear. It's all very comforting. I'm calmed down, my breathing also slow, my eyes about to close. The nightmare or Grindelwald aren't forgotten, but swept into the back of my mind. I have other things to think and care about. Grindelwald doesn't deserve my tears, energy or anything. But others do! I'm happier than I've ever been. A smile has been playing on my lips since my second kiss with him. I've been smiling at a dark ceiling for a time now it amuses me. I snuggle closer to him, closing my eyes. I know I'll have no nightmares tonight.
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A/N: So what do you think? GooD. BaD! Let the schizophrenic author know. Check out my other story, Friend or Foe. And for those who have read it, I'll start writing chapter 4 as soon as I get holidays. Or I get back from my vacation. I'm going to LONDON! As a birthday gift: I'll be turning 16 on the 7th of February! =)
Please Review. * Rocks in pool Nice and cool Juicyy Sweeeett * Pal =)