6Disclaimer:
These are not our characters just borrowing them for fun. We love the characters, so no harm intended.
This is our first fanfic; please review, but no flames.
The Cracking of the Fellowship
By: Pipinheart and collaboration with Legolasword
Frodo walked to the edge of mount doom, where he took the ring from his neck.
Frodo begins to argue with Sam.
"It's mine, it's my precious,"
"Hey, that's my line frodo, snapped gollum.
"Shut, up gollum, Sam said with a sneer, I should have killed you the first time I ever laid eyes on you.
"Sam, gollum's my friend, the only one who understands me."
"But Mr. Frodo, I thought I was your friend".
" Really Sam, you're my gardener, I own you; do as I command." "Why don't you just jump in the Lava, after all, you want to help me don't you"." Besides, I have never really liked you."
Rubbing his hands together with glee gollum laid his hand on Sam's right shoulder and smiled saying.
"Yes, yes, jump, jump in the lava, nobody's going to miss you, not even your mother, precious".
"Gollum, you're my friend aren't you," asked Frodo
"Why, yes, Master, you and the precious have been my only friends".
"Lookie, here gollum, the precious likes me better, it says it likes my finger better too.
"What, no, I had it for 500 hundred years, it just met you."
"Precious, what, what are you doing?"
"We had a commitment with each other; ever heard of a long-term relationship". "Precious, don't do this; please, I beg you, I- I need you. Gollum pleaded".
Walking up to gollum, Sam puts his hand on gollum's left shoulder saying.
"You could take it from him, the Precious doesn't know what it's doing, you need to help it gollum."
"Yes, yes your right, precious is screaming for my help."
Putting the ring on with an insane smirk,
Frodo said, "your right Sam".
"Hey, gollum, can you find me, find me if you can."
"Yes, it's like hide and seek gollum, lets play with Frodo, and I haven't done this since I was little."
"Goodie, goodie", Sam jumped up and down.
"Finally, somebody wants to play with me."
"Hey, you two can you see me; I am invisible, cool huh."
"Say, gollum you got some sharp teeth, can you bite my finger that has your precious on it."
Screeching with rage, Gollum jumps at frodo and begins to bite down on frodo's finger.
"Wait, Gollum, I want to play, I never get to play, it isn't fair."
Pausing in mid bite gollum looks up at Sam, saying.
"Sometimes we don't gets what we wants."
Taking a bite down on Frodo's finger he holds up the finger and throws it to Sam.
"Here I saved this for you, a gift to you for the precious."
"Hey, Sam that's my finger."
"Now, Mr. Frodo, its mine now, you can't have it."
Running off Sam says I'll be back later; I'm going to play with my present from gollum.
Frodo looking down at his bleeding finger says.
"Great no finger, cool! I have no finger, this is totally neat man. "
"Hey, thanks gollum, I feel a lot better now."
"Anything for my Master, after all you did ask."
"You're a pal gollum. I couldn't have a better friend."
Frodo put his arm around gollum.
"Come let's go find Sam."
Legolas walks up to frodo and gollum, and Sam.
"Hey, three stooges ever heard of the quest."
"What quest,"
"Go pester somebody else; we busy playing a game with Mr. Frodo's finger." Replies Sam.
Shaking his head he walks away saying,
"Inferring beings, no wonder my people avoid outsiders".
"Maybe I should have let the orcs kill you".
Hum, maybe I should have let them just kill me, but I am so beautiful, my skin is so flawless, my golden hair doesn't stray out of place. My teeth are perfectly white and straight.
"Why, there is nothing that compares to me."
"Oh, knock it off Legolas; I am by far more angelic than any," Aragorn spoke from behind, after all, I am to be king.
"Come, we have no time for this." Gandalf came from behind them
"Beauty tips isn't something that we need to talk about right now, come we have a war to fight."
"The wizard is right gimli said swinging his ax, besides if it was a contest neither of you are a beauty." " Now, a dwarf that is a different story. "
"Well, Gandalf it isn't us who has messed up, Frodo can't even be trusted to throw a ring in the fire, Legolas said."
"Yeah, this was your quest Gandalf," "you screwed up;" "you gave the ring to that short person," Aragorn sneered.
"You can't even fight a balrog, my people are warriors your not that I can tell," Gimli, shouted.
"Enough!
"Legolas, can I borrow a sword." why, sure gimli, here.
Walking of toward the fire gimli sat down his legs dangling over the pit. Fiddling with his pack he finds his marshmallows. Putting it on the sword he fits five on it, and starts roasting his marshmallows.
Looking about gollum has tears in his eyes, precious; they want to hurt you, I can't let that happen.
Sneaking away gollum and his precious walks up to the fire.
"Precious, I thinks we needs a bath." Precious agreed with a hiss, this arguing was giving it a headache and gollum sure did stink, no bath in 500 years is sure too long. That is the reason it left in the first place.
Finding a high rock gollum does a somersault and says Kallabungas, as he dives into the hot lava.
"Hey, pretty boys if anyone cares not that I do, gollum just dove into my roasting pan."
"Turning around all three said "Gimli, that's not a roasting pan that's a lava pit." "Anyway, at least gollum had the right idea, he was A okay in my book", replied Gandalf.
"Well, maybe you should have giving gollum the ring in the first place," Gandalf, Gimli, stated.
"Yes, perhaps you're right, I should never have trusted Frodo; he has always been a slow lad."
"Gandalf, I'm tired of this, I think I'm going to go kill some more, see you guys latter. "Well, sure gimli, have fun."
Sam marched up toward Gandalf, and as he reached the wizard Sam puts Frodo's finger in his pocket.
"Gandalf, how dare you call Mr. Frodo slow, and we are not short." "I heard what was said, I have excellent hearing so don't deny it."
"I don't deny anything, what I said is true; Frodo can't help the way he was born."
"Hey, that's uncalled for, Gandalf." " You're an old geezer and should be put away in a wizards loony bin."
"Come Sam, let no hard feelings come between us, I dearly, love you all."
"Love us, right; you don't love anything but yourself."
Uncharacteristically, Sam kicks Gandalf in the knee, and with his left hand picks up a rock and hits Gandalf right in the nose.
"Why, you little worm, I should have turned you into a frog the first time I had an urge to."
" No, you can't, I broke your staff, and without it you're nothing."
"What, my staff, but my mommy gave that to me, before I left home."
Tears rolled down Gandalfs checks. Racked with sobs, Gandalf tripped backwards-taking Sam down into the pit with him.
Unknown to the rest of them the pit was luke warm, just right for a soak. Even gollum was smiling happily.
"Just great, I wanted to burn, replied Sam." "Not sit here with you two."
Looking at Sam they just rolled their eyes.
All the while Frodo was immersed with his finger, wrapping it round and round. Then he noticed he was alone.
Oh, well, who cares, I don't like them anyway. Singing a song he goes back to staring at his finger.
"Come on Legolas, you know I am better looking than you Aragorn spat".
"On whose standards are you referring to Legolas shouted back."
"I have an idea the one who wins the fight is the most beautiful, of course I know I will win I am older being an elf."
"Older Legolas, your joints stiffening up are they."
"We will see about that Aragorn."
Pulling out their swords they begin to fight in an intense battle.
Each was equal with a sword, and neither seemed to be tiring as the battle seemed to intensify.
All of the sudden, Frodo appeared beside them.
" Hey, I'm hungry can you get me something."
Caught of guard, Legolas and Aragorn pauses only to stab each other in the stomach. Looking at Frodo, they say.
"Thanks a lot; you dumb hobbit."
Looking at them fall to the ground frodo says," I guess that means No"
Then Frodo says, I guess I am the only survivor of the fellowship; finally, no nagging.
Walking away Frodo notices a switch, and wonders what will happen if he flips it on. Turning it on is like an electrical switch, and the lava began to boil; and then he hears the screams from the pit.
"Oops, not my problem, replied Frodo". Then he runs out of the cavern.
Looking up Frodo sees two eagles and he slows to a halt. Waving his hands he calls to one of the eagles.
"Hey, you birds come get me."
Looking down one of the eagles says,
"Screw you, I was Gandalf's friend, not yours". Then the eagle's middle claw extended. "Hey that was very rude, but this is even ruder." Frodo said. Pulling down his pants he moons the eagle.
"Now, lookie at this; do you like that, huh."
The eagle turned away his head in disgust, and with a shriek the eagle drops a present on Frodo with love.
"Ah, you disgusting creature, how dare you shit on me."
Looking down at his achievement the eagle smiled and flew away.
Feeling sorry for Frodo the other eagle comes down and starts fanning him with his wings, getting most of the disgust of off him.
Picking him up it takes him with him, across mordor on the other side of the black gates.
When Frodo spots Merry and Pippin, playing poker, and smoking pipes with the orcs and the uruiki.
Frodo has the eagle drop him there. Where he walks up to them.
"Merry, Pippin, what's going on? "
"Oh, just a game, Cousin Frodo, replied Pippin; want to join in a hand".
"Sure, why not, replied Frodo."
An orc dealt him in the game.
"So, where's everybody asked Merry? "
"Oh, all dead. said Frodo"
"Really, well, I guess it isn't our problem is it," merry replied.
"Dead, you say, we are free from them finally Pippin said."
The orc dealer looking up says, "I am grieved for your loss."
"Thanks man, we appreciate it they all say".
" Hey, let's go to the Green Dragon and get some good pints," said Pippin
Looking up they all agreed and followed pippin to the destination.
At the green dragon all were having a great time getting drunk, and were singing love ballets to their pints.
The orcs and hobbits got up and played ring around the Rosie and they became best friends from that day on after all they had always just been misunderstood, not really evil.
Hope everyone likes it, and made a few people laugh. And may this be the first of many fan fic's to come.
Tell us if you liked it, and your thoughts are welcome.