How Am I Suppose to Live Without You by Paully Adams e-mail: padams1

Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and any other characters featured in the actual TV series are copyrighted to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures; just borrowing for this story.

The story is mine. Please contact me before using any of my stuff. Thanks.

SPOILERS: I like to imagine that this story takes place during Season 5. So everything up to that point is up for grabs.

ROMANCE WARNING/DISCLAIMER: This story depicts scenes of romance between two women, but nothing explicit. This also deals with the broken heart of one man. Even though I'm not a Joxer fan, I wanted to deal with his feelings too.

Lyrics from How Am I Suppose to Live Without You sung by Michael Bolton were borrowed. I don't own the song, but the song popped into my head and won't go away. It helped inspire this story.

Oh, BTW, please feed the bard.


I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today. Of course, I can't believe I did not see this coming. I traveled with them for so long. At first I had a schoolboy's crush on Xena. I mean, who wouldn't? With her raven hair, cobalt blue eyes and olive skin, one had to be...well dead not to notice her. I knew I couldn't have her, so I did the next best thing: Meg, a Xena-look alike: Xena's looks without the Xena attitude. I thought I had it all.

But I didn't. I was searching for love in all the wrong places, afraid to listen to my heart, afraid that I would be rejected. I'll admit that I did not treat her well when we first met. In fact, I tried to kidnap her. But she put me in my place (and on my butt). I had really underestimated the petite blond with sea green eyes. Once we became friends, I started to treat her like a little sister; calling her my little side kick. Yeah, she was my side kick alright. I can still feel the pain in my ribs as she side- kicked me. I guess I wanted her to be by my side in any way, shape or form; as long as she was by my side.

I can tell you when I realized that I was falling for her. It was the night I saw her dancing with two Bacchae women. It wasn't the fact that I thought she was in danger, Gabrielle could defend her own self. It was the fact that jealousy arose in my heart. I wanted her to dance seductively with ME. I wanted to be that close to her. But instead of telling her, I kept my feelings to myself.

Then one day, bliss entered my heart when she looked at me with longing in her eyes. She told me she loved me, and I believed her. She said the words I wanted to hear from her lips. I saw the love in her sea green eyes. I felt it when she kissed me. We were making plans for our life together, when Xena told Cupid to take the spell off of Gabrielle. My love for her was real, hers was just an illusion. I watched as Xena told Cupid to take the spell off of everyone except for Draco. Sure, let the man be helplessly in love for the rest of his life! Misery loves company! At least I knew that there was one person out there who understood what I was going through.

Then she died on a cross. I didn't want to believe it, but I saw her, hanging by the nails in her hands and feet. I looked at Xena & saw that only her hands had nails. I became filled with rage. My sweet and beautiful Gabrielle had to suffer as an extra nail was pounded into her feet. She did not deserve that extra torment. I felt real hate for the first time in my life. And just as quickly I remembered that Gabrielle wanted everyone to experience love not hate.

I should of have known, if anyone could come back from the dead, it would be these two. And I decided that the gods had given me another chance and I wasn't going to let it pass by. I know I should had pick a better time to tell her, but we were about to do battle for our lives, and I didn't want to take the chance that either one of us would die without knowing the truth. So I told her. She looked stunned. After the battle, I told her I did not want a answer from her, I just needed to tell her.

Oh course that was a lie. I wanted her to tell me that she loved me. And she did love me, just not the way I wanted. At the time, I wondered if her past was controlling her emotions. After all, everyone she had loved had died. I thought she needed to see that I wasn't going anywhere; that she could love me and didn't have to be afraid that death would take me. I was so gun-ho about my intentions that I never noticed what was right in front of me.

How can I blame Xena? I was the one who built my world around Gabrielle, hoping one day we would be so much more than friends. I look down at the invitation they sent me. They want me to participate in their joining. They wanted me to get there a few days ahead so that they could tell me all about it, tell me about the plans they're making. But I need a few questions answered myself; questions that only Gabrielle can answer-

How am I suppose to live without you? Now that I've been loving you so long? How am I suppose to carry on? When all that I've been living for is gone?