Hey peeps, Sorry if this was delayed for so long, well, this is my first fiction and I'm not sure is it really nice and interesting for you peeps but I still hope you all would like it.

Rated: General

Couples: Tsu and Soka

(warning: Yaoi... so if your not interested in it please leave before IT"S TO LATE) Hehehe

Please read and Review, ne? Be honest too, tell me if it's interesting a not...-



"Hard to Say I'm Sorry"

By: Natsuko-chan

Chapter 1: What's in your mind?

It was the month of spring, cheery blossom's petals fall like snow, gentle breeze dancing gracefully making their fall with smooth glides from left to right and a little turn or two before it touches the ground. Young laughter's running around playing and catching the petals in their small palm. How innocent they look. 'Humph, very innocent indeed they are' emerald eyes follow the petals as they fall. Never had he felt free to watch them when he was young nor had a chance to enjoy it when he had a chance on one lovely night. Lovely night it was as for now, he never want to so called enjoy watching the sakura trees again. He sighed and gave a little shake in his head. 'This is not the time to think about this' he thought.

Tsuzuki on the other hand was also in deep thoughts as he looked at Hisoka and gave a small sigh. He knew what Hisoka was thinking. The previous night he was cursed of course; by a devil who was an angel in everyone's eyes. 'DAMN YOU MURAKI! There's definitely nothing in that mind of his but MURDER! The sunlight's ray shone on Hisoka's hair and reflected beautiful on his fair skin. 'His beautiful and he looks just like... just like Aki-chan' with that thought his expression changed. His eyes looked duller. The normally chirpy Tsuzuki now looked quite as if his silently agreeing with himself something he desperately tries to hide. 'I guess... I guess Muraki and I are no different... Taking life's from their... Love ones...'

Hisoka felt Tsuzuki's anger which then lowered as if he was found out and then replace by something he cannot grasp when Tsuzuki's shield heighten strongly before he noticed it. Hisoka couldn't helped but recall over their overall missions they had which always end up with a soul to be brought back to Meifu. Tsuzuki would then feel upset and guilty but that would normally past after a few days. Unfortunately, Hisoka had a feeling that this was not the same.

So eventually, Hisoka tried cheering Tsuzuki up by treating him some of his favorite dishes... yes, obviously everyone could guess... DESSERTS! It did kind of cheer him up 'I guess' He felt the waves of chirpiness every now and then the adding of his famous puppy like wiggling his tail and a package of a big hug and a squealing voice of "SSSannk You Soka-chan". But something was still noticeable; he wasn't ordering as many sweets as he usually would but when he caught Hisoka starring at him so he called an extra cake as in to show Hisoka his fine.

A sound a scrapping plate caught Hisoka's attention and turned towards the sound which ends up onto Tsuzuki. He was looking quite upset or rather fighting with himself mentally and incautiously poking his cinnamon bread into small pieces. That was when Hisoka felt a pang of guilt. Was it his fault that Tsuzuki was like this? If it's not then why does it feel like it is? What did he do? Hisoka think really hard. What did he do? Hisoka tried and tried but he just couldn't figure it out. Without noticing it, he let out a soft signed which didn't go unnoticed by Tsuzuki.

"Hisoka?" worried was written in his face

Hisoka was pulled from his thoughts and blinked a few times and said "Emm, yeah"

"Are you ok? You looked troubled. Is something wrong?"

"Wrong? Wrong?! No there's nothing wrong" Hisoka replied but his voice was gradually raised. Tsuzuki was slightly taken a back then just merely observe Hisoka

'There's nothing wrong, right? What's going on? I know I'm worried and... upset? About what?! What's this feeling...?! What's going on?! This is getting confusing!' Hisoka's face was screwed into irritation and frustration. He just automatically rose from his chair, banged his hand on the table which caused the hot tea to spill on his hand and screamed. The cup broke on the floor and Tsuzuki was by his side in seconds. Though his hands heal rather quickly but he could still feel the heat on his hand.

Everyone was starring at them and Tsuzuki's worried feature while focusing on wiping his hand. Hisoka felt emotions came radiating in waves and he got angrier and irritated. He couldn't help but just pushed Tsuzuki aside and stomped out of the restaurant with a stain of crimson on his cheeks.

Tsuzuki didn't know what just happened. It just happened so fast but came back to reality as he went to the casher and paid their meal which was suppose to be Hisoka's treat and race out of the restaurant and went to look for Hisoka, who apparently disappear to god knows where. 'Hey, it really was god knows where!' he thought enthusiastically. Hisoka is always responsible no matter what state their in and always have been so most likely he's going to Tatsumi's office to hand in their report on their latest mission and get at least a 2 to 3 days off. He hopes he'll be in time to catch up with him. He looked around for an alley and transported himself to Meifu's office department and run like a mad dog to Tatsumi's office. He reaches it and dash into the office panting.

"Tsuzuki?!" cried Tatsumi. Tsuzuki tried to speak but came out stammering while trying to catch his breath. Tsuzuki then gave up as Tatsumi hold up his hand. "If you're looking for Hisoka, He handed in your report and his already" he said while waving the report and Tsuzuki broke into another mad dash out and disappear.

Tsuzuki looked at every favorite spot where Hisoka may be. The library, under the cherry blossoms, no he wouldn't go there, the park, the roof top but with no success. So there's one more place left... his house. With that thought, he disappears and reappears in front of Hisoka's house. He tried knocking but no one answered. He knocked again and suddenly, the door just opened itself. It's NOT LOCKED?!... Like I said, Hisoka's very responsible. His door, not locked? Ok...Something's really wrong with him.

Tsuzuki pushed the door to let himself in and closed it behind him. The house was so dark. So he went to the window where little rays peaked out from the edged of the curtains. He opened it and the sunlight came in so strongly it immediately filled the room, making it warmed and welcomed. The wall's was paint pure white, there was a computer as usual at the very corner to his left, three sets of sofa, a television set with a video player, a radio as a present from Tatsumi at his right, a phone and everything that's needed in the house. And a few pots of plants, which was insisted by Tsuzuki himself and it looks like Hisoka is definitely doing a good job.

Tsuzuki looked around and suggested Hisoka must be in his room. So he went through the brown door and into Hisoka's room and again it looked dark as all the curtains were shut closed. He wanted to open the curtains and windows but gave a thought not too. The last time he wanted to re-do Hisoka's room. He got a scowl and a really bad whacked on the head with an angry tone saying it's his choice if he wants to or not. He then noticed something different the last time he visited Hisoka's room and spotted it quickly. The room looked a bit livelier than last time with a little hanging of plants on beside the window and a few pictures on both sides of his bed and a few on his bookshelf which was full of magazines and books.

'Wait a minute'... Tsuzuki looked backed at the sides of Hisoka's bed. Those picture frames were definitely weren't there before. He first took a look at the first photo frame which was the nearest to him. It was a picture of Tsuzuki and the others laughing at Terazuma who had a pie flat on his face by the Gushioshin brothers. He remembered that Terazuma said something weird to the Gushioshin brothers and he guessed they took it as and offence and took the nearest food to them and splat it onto his face. He even remembered that he pouted when that happened but the looked on Terazuma especially when Wakaba-chan tried to help him cleaned his face, who went as red as a tomato and everyone was laughing till they looked as if their head was going to burst. It was so funny even Tatsumi and Hisoka gave a small fit of laughter which was very amusing to the others and turn to their direction. They looked really cute, especially when they went all red. I think Watari must have took that picture and was threaten by Tatsumi not show it to anyone.

The picture on the other side of the table was the best memories and pictures he would love to keep. After that embarrassing picture taken of Tatsumi and Hisoka, Tatsumi when after Watari and they were all just looking at each other until Saya and Yuma came and decided to join the party who went after Hisoka holding a dress, the Gushioshin brothers were still chasing after Terazuma, Wakaba-chan was chasing after Tsuzuki as he was eating all her pies and well, Kachio as usual just relaxing and drinking his tea. They were all acting like kids, chasing each other, hiding in the bush, sneaking on each other. It was very amusing to the on lookers and well, even some of the kids at the park were giggling at them... But the best part was, when the twins, Saya and Yuma found Hisoka hiding under a bush and surprised him and tried to make him were the dress they were holding. Fortunately he got away and was jumping out of the bush and as for Tsuzuki, he was running straight in Hisoka and well, caught him or rather hugged him from his back just in time and he gave a very girly squeal. Hahaha... Unfortunately for him, everyone was there, they all heard it and as for Watari, he caught us right at that moment and there we are, right in that picture, hugging him but he was actually smiling! He really had fun... That was one of the best moments Tsuzuki have ever seen him truly happy.

"What are you doing here?" That voice took Tsuzuki out of his trance as Tsuzuki saw him, Hisoka's eyes was hidden behind his wet hair with only a towel wrapped around his waist. He was... he was shaking a little. Tsuzuki took a few steps forward before Hisoka raised his voice. "I'm asking you, what are you doing here?!" Tsuzuki was taken a back but ignored it. "Hisoka, I was worried so I came to check on you". "Check on me?" this time Hisoka's eyes this time looked up. He looked, angry, sad and confused... "Hisoka, are you alright?" Tsuzuki was really getting worried. "Stop asking me that!" He was shaking a little bit more "How did you get in here?" "Well, the door was unlocked" Tsuzuki was uncertain how he was going to do this; Hisoka looked a bit dazed off, not really in his composed-self. "Unlocked?" Hisoka repeated as if having difficulty in understanding what he just said. "Yeah, Hisoka, do you want sit..." Tsuzuki stopped what he was doing, 'this situation was... was getting familiar'.

Hisoka seemed to receive the same wave that radiated from Tsuzuki at the restaurant so he looked up. Tsuzuki was just staring at him. Tsuzuki shocked it of again before Hisoka could take what Tsuzuki was actually feeling. So Tsuzuki came closer and Hisoka instantly lowered his eyes. "Hisoka" Tsuzuki said his name with full concerned this time and Hisoka looked up. Hisoka's eyes felt a something heat at the back of his eyes and he eyes felt watery. He instantly closed his eyes as it was threatening to fall. Tsuzuki put his hands on Hisoka's shoulder and wanted to give him a hug, when Hisoka opened his eyes, all red and puffy at the sudden stop of Tsuzuki's comforting gesture and gaze into his eyes. Tsuzuki's eyes looked back at him but seemed to have this glassy look, as if his mind was else where and Hisoka knew where he was as he stared to see flashes... flashes of their last mission...

A girl with large green, almond eyes. Almost at the age of sixteen with dirty brown hair, her eyes just as red and puffy as Hisoka's. Looking at Tsuzuki, "Aki-chan, Please sit down" and she did. "Looked..." Tsuzuki was cut off as she cried desperately "No, Tsuzuki-kun, Ayumi-chan needs me... She's all alone... She needs me... She's only ten... Onegai... Hisoka–chan Onegai..." Aki puts her head into her hands and continue to cry" Tsuzuki tried again "Aki-chan..." He was cut of again but this time by Hisoka. "Aki-chan, your mom and dad left you when you were at the age of ten as well, and you are independent enough to stand not only for yourself and with a six years old sister at hand. You succeeded independently without anyone's help and so can she, you'll see and..." "I can't see! You won't let me! Hisoka, Tsuzuki please, please don't take me... please..." She begged as she fell on her knees." I had her that's how I went on, I was despised for no apparent reason, shunt out with not a second look ,but I have her, her still innocent and heart warming smile that I had the courage to go on... I did plan to suicide but she needs me! That's why I live... Just for her, just for her... without me... without a support from anyone... She'll suffer more than me... please Hisoka... Please Tsuzuki... I'll play anything.. ANYTHING you want... a hundred lives or eternity in hell any..." Tsuzuki cut her off desperately as he look upset himself "Aki-chan, you don't have too..." Tsuzuki than looked at Hisoka "Hisoka I could give a try with Hakushaku to..." Tsuzuki had never looked at Hisoka that way before as he spoke but he chose to ignore it "Iie, you have more debts to pay and you haven fulfill it yet. Do you want to be his for ever?" "If I have too I will" Tsuzuki look determined at him. "NO, I won't take this... I'm sorry Aki-chan... You have been by her side for more than a year. That's all the time you would have needed to help her. She will be independent and understand... now let's go... and I won't take no as an answer or I'll take it the hard way"

Tsuzuki was no longer standing but falling with tears gliding heavily on his face. He fell slowly on to his knees as he unconsciously pulled Hisoka who fell together with him and sat on his knees still seeing the flashes. He was unable to understand what was his feelings or was it his?... he didn't know what to do... he couldn't move but just to stay still and let the images pulled him in to Tsuzuki's further memories... shacking and trembling like a leave.

A young boy... He was running... running... Just covering his face and just kept running as children throwing rocks at him, chasing after him... 'I've seen this before' Hisoka thought. They wouldn't stop until they reach the river side and the young boy trip on a rock. He tried to get up but seemed to have sprained his leg. The children came nearer and kept throwing the rocks... when they saw that he couldn't get up. They sneered and said "A freak could even get hurt?" and another boy said "What a surprise it! Let's see if he bleeds" The said boy came nearer to the hurt boy and kicks him hard on his stomach. This time the hurt boy vomited blood... Hisoka saw his face clearer now... he looked... 'Tsuzuki'. When they saw blood, there was satisfaction in their faces... "Don't ever let us see you again" with that last smirk they left him. Tsuzuki was trembling and shivering. It looks as if he was trying hard not to cry but sobs escaped from his throat and was crying as hard as he could. Seconds later, there was a butterfly. It was flying over him and landed on young Tsuzuki's nose. With that he just gave a small smile and slowly he went unconscious. A moment after that, there was a young woman came across and gasped and she cried "Tsuzuki" young Tsuzuki didn't reply "Did they do this to you? How could they?!" and with that she carried him. The picture became blurry as it changes and into another view. There was fire around the room and when young Tsuzuki looked down. The same woman was on his lap with blood trickling down on the side of her lips. Young Tsuzuki suddenly seemed aware as he was just a few second ago, in a trance. "Tsuzuki, no matter what you see here... It's not your fault, we all forgive you and I'll always love you" with that last word her hand slipped from young Tsuzuki's and fell limb on to the floor and her last breath was heard. Young Tsuzuki's eyes when wide and screamed "ONEE-SAN!"

Hisoka couldn't take it anymore. He blasted Tsuzuki and Tsuzuki went flying as his back hit the end of the wall. Tsuzuki suddenly looked a wake and looked at Hisoka's eyes. He knew what Hisoka just saw. It was the devil he never wanted Hisoka to see. On the other side where Hisoka was sitting, he was breathing hard and panting. Hisoka slowly hugged himself and was trembling and shacking worst than before. "Hisoka, Gome..." before he could finish Hisoka raised his voice and looked up to meet Tsuzuki's and said "GET OUT!" Hisoka was crying and tears that were threatened to fall a few minutes before came pouring down. "Hisoka, I can ex..." Tsuzuki was desperate to explained but cut off again. "OUT NOW!" Tsuzuki stood up and was starting to shacked as much as Hisoka. "Gomen" With his quick apologies Tsuzuki quickly retreat before Hisoka could shout at him again and dashed out of the house and locking the door for Hisoka before he disappeared into thin air.

Hehehe... lalilo... P how was it? Hope u won't run away.. There's another chapter coming along... So guess I'll see you soon ne? Please review on what you think on my Fanfic... Don't keep those grumblings inside... let it out and you'll feel better, ne? Hehehe-... Ciao...