Chapter 3:
Of a Husband's Loss, a Father's Loss, and More Tavington

Benjamin: (gasp) Tavington!

Gabriel: Father, he cannot see you.

Benjamin: (tears well up in his eyes) Gabriel! That is the smartest thing you've ever said! (hugs him and weeps)


Benjamin: Ride! The Dragoons are coming straight for us!

Dragoons: We see you, Rebel Scum!

Benjamin: To the swamp!

Five minutes later...

DeLancey: They're still following us!

Dragoons: We're still following you, Rebel Scum!

Tavington: I'm covered in mud and I've had enough! Ewwyuch…it's in my hair…There are easier ways to run out a stupid fox!

Dragoon: There are easier ways to run out a stupid fox!

Tavington: Will you stop copying me?!

Dragoons: Stop copying me?!

Tavington: SHUT UP!

Benjamin and the others in hiding begin to snicker and giggle.

Tavington: (near tears) Back to the main road…

After the Dragoons leave, Benjamin and his militia leave their hiding places in the swamp.

Benjamin: Do you guys know what this means?

Gabriel: We can make baskets from these swamp reeds?

Benjamin: No, you fool! It means we must form some sort of devious plan to get our wounded back from Cornwallis!


Benjamin strolls casually through open gates to see Cornwallis.

Cornwallis: I see you've returned my dogs.

Jupiter, Mars: Stupid, fat man…

Benjamin: Yes, sir. And now to negotiate the return of my farm-Ah, soldiers.

Cornwallis: Why?

Benjamin: Because, you old coot, I have eighteen of your men on a hilltop awaiting certain death unless you make the exchange. (goofy, painfully obvious "I know something you don't know" smile)

Cornwallis: Their names and ranks?

Benjamin: Sadly, they refused. One of them said that the Corncob wouldn't drop its kernels. That's all I can give.

(Cue Tavington and his cheeks.)

Cornwallis: Make the exchange!

Benjamin: Don't you remember me?

Tavington: Should I?

Benjamin: Like your brother's uncle's sister.

Tavington: Oh, yes! I remember. You're the farmer…with the farm and that stupid little farm boy!

Benjamin: I will kill you.

Tavington: Not if I kill you first.

Benjamin: Is that a challenge?

Tavington: Maybe.

Benjamin: Yes or no?

Tavington: Yes or no?

Benjamin: Fool.

Tavington: DISRESPECT! Cornwallis, have this farmer arrested!

Cornwallis, Benjamin: Oh, shut up!

Tavington: (cry)


Redcoat #1: These aren't prisoners!

Redcoat #2: They're merely scarecrows!

Redcoat #3: And they're not wearing any underwear!

Redcoat #1: Tavington will kill us for this!

Redcoat #2: Rock, paper, scissors to determine who shall tell him.

(Redcoat #1 loses)

Redcoat #2: Haha!


Redcoat #1: One of our officers, sir. (holds up scarecrow; his head lolls to one side and hits the floor with a stumpy noise)

Cornwallis: Where are the real men?

Redcoat #3: Sir, if I may…My belief is that they turned our officers into scarecrows using some sort of indigenous black magic and then made off with their undergarments!

Tavington: (Thwacks him upside the head)

Cornwallis: I'm surrounded…

Tavington: As am I.


Aunt Charlotte: The British are coming! Everyone in the basement quick!

Samuel: Go, so I can stay behind and almost get killed.

Tavington: Hmm… (touches candle) SHHhsshs…Oww!

Samuel: (Hides under the table and, like an idiot, loads his gun, making a series of really loud noises)

Tavington: (Looks under the table – growls – ooh, sexy) It never works… (stomps off) FIRE THE HOUSE!


Tavington: Wait 'till I'm outside…!


Gabriel: Here are some letters.

Aunt Charlotte: Thank you. Are they for us?

Gabriel: No.

Aunt Charlotte: Oh. Who are they for?

Gabriel: I don't remember.

Aunt Charlotte: You aren't very good at this are you?

Susan: Why didn't father come?

Gabriel: He's, uh, busy.

Susan: Liar.

Gabriel: So, how long have you been talking for?

Susan: I hate him.

Gabriel: You don't really hate him, do you?

Susan: Yes.

Gabriel: Well, that's good enough for me!

Susan: (runs away)

Aunt Charlotte: She runs just like that poor postman…


Benjamin: She talked?! Susan actually talked? And I thought she was going to be a mute…

Gabriel: (stuffing his face full of Twix) Full sentences.

Benjamin: What'd she say?

Gabriel: (Thinks hard; face scrunches up as if his brain were about to implode. More Twix)

Benjamin: Gabriel?

Gabriel: She said she, uh, loves you, and uh, can't wait to, uh, see you again.

Benjamin: WOW! I'm so proud! (hugs himself)


Benjamin: I've returned!

Benjamin's Children: Papa, you're home!

Susan: (silence)

Benjamin: Hi, Susan!

Susan: (runs away)

Benjamin: (Grabs Gabriel by the collar, throttling him) YOU LIAR! PIG! BUTTMUNCH!

Gabriel: (making little throttling noises)

Benjamin: You said she couldn't wait to see me!

Gabriel: Maybe she's so happy she can't speak!

Benjamin: (Drops Gabriel) Hmm, I didn't think of that.

Gabriel: Oh, and Anne and I are getting married.

Benjamin: (Faints)

SHANTY TOWN – Like 15 minutes later…

Reverend Oliver: Kiss, kiss.

Anne, Gabriel: Kiss, kiss.

Benjamin: (Cries into his hanky) Weddings are so b-eautiful!


Benjamin: Well, I'm off again. Goodbye!

(Benjamin and Charlotte swap saliva…among other things)

Benjamin's Children: Eww. (trauma)

Benjamin: Susan, can you say goodbye?

Susan: (blank stare and more silence)

Benjamin: Fine.

Susan: Father! Father!

Benjamin: (falls off his horse from shock – or maybe just from leftovers from a bad case of vertigo in the 2nd grade) Now you decide to talk!

Benjamin, Susan: (hug and cry together; she blows her nose in his shirt)


Benjamin: Who came back?

Reverend Oliver: Less than a third.

Benjamin: DeLancey?

Reverend Oliver: Last time I saw him, he was over there (points in the direction of a scarcely populated forest of poison oak and skinny, whipping trees) taking a leak.

Benjamin: Trust the French, he says.

DeLancey: I did say that, didn't I?

Benjamin: Teehee.


Tavington: Alright, everyone into the church!

Towns Folk: Why should we?

Tavington: I've got candy!

Towns Folk: Yay!

Tavington: Lock them in and burn the church.

Towns Folk: (Die…with their candy)

PEMBROKE – Afternoon

Gabriel: My wife is dead. (goes crazy and runs off with a few other men) REVEEEENGE!


(Tavington is sitting by a babbling creek, shirt open, hair down…how many of your fantasies have started like that?)

Tavington: Ah, nothing like a good shave, especially when I don't need it.

(Gabriel and his men attack)

Gabriel: You killed my wife! (shoots Tavington)

Tavington: (fakes death – teehee!)

Gabriel: Now to finish him off, even though I should just walk away…

Tavington: Huah! (stabs Gabriel)

Gabriel: (gurgle) I'm too beautiful to die!

Benjamin: (cries)