Chapter Four:
More War


Benjamin: Sleep well, Gabriel.

Lee: I'll help you bury him.

Benjamin: Get away!

Lee: Benjamin, he stinks!

Benjamin: (gasp)

Lee: Uh…

Benjamin: It is over and there's nothing you can say to make me go back out there!

Lee: Think about your children.

Benjamin: What children?

Lee: Fool.

Benjamin: Leave me alone!

Lee: Fine. You know where to find us if you change your mind.

Benjamin: Make me!


Lee: You have returned to us, young artichoke.

Benjamin: Surprisingly, Lee, I took your words to heart and well, here I am.

Morgan: Tell me about Cornwallis.

Benjamin: Who are you?

Morgan: On a scale of one to ten, what sort of idiot are we dealing with?

Benjamin: Cornwallis is about a one-forty-five and that just ain't me.

Morgan: Ouch.

Benjamin: Tell me about it.

Morgan: Well, I've just discovered that he has about 6,000 total infantry, some under Taving…

Author: Did I hear someone say "Tavington?"

Benjamin: Oh, Lord…

Lee: Go away, Author. Now is neither the time nor the place for your sick fantasies.

Author: Do you know that right now, at this very moment, I could erase you from the story completely?

Lee: Erase me…?

Author: Completely obliterate you, si senor.

Lee: Oh pooh! Fine!

Author: Let me help you and I promise to get rid of Tavington.

Lee: Like erase him?

Author: Something like that…

Lee: (raises finger to object)

Author: (makes cut throat gesture)

Lee: Fine, just get out of my sights! (stomps off like the wimpy emo baby he is)

Author: (notices men staring) Carry on, lads. Just pretend I'm not here.

Benjamin: I have a brilliant idea! We shall trick Cornwallis and prove that he is as stupid as he is fat!

DeLancey: Very well, and how do you propose we go about doing this?

Benjamin: Easy. We use our weakness as a…uh…uhh…

Author: Defense?

Benjamin: Yes, that's the one! We'll use our weakness as a defense and accidentally have our lines break before them and then attack from the rear. It's foolproof!

Author: And yet not enough.

Benjamin: What's that?

Author: Oh, nothing.



Author: Wrong movie, man.

Benjamin: Oh, right.

DeLancey: You should really be leaving now.

Author: Moi? Why?

DeLancey: You could get killed.

Author: So could you. Why don't you leave?

DeLancey: Actually

Benjamin: Enough! And now I shall ask a stupid question and drudge up painful memories for DeLancey! (turns to DeLancey on his horse) How old were your daughters?

DeLancey: Why must you torture me?! (proceeds to ring Benjamin's neck)

Benjamin: (gurgle) And your wife… (sputter, hack)…was she as beautiful as you are?

DeLancey: TURKEY!

Author: No, no, gentlemen! Let's turn it off! (turns to see Tavington on the hillside) OMG, TAVY! (squeals and runs off)

Benjamin: Get ready, men. Tavington is much more deadly and intelligent than we are.

Lee: Exactly. Wait! Hey!


Tavington: Irregulars are at their center. Perfect-o.

Author grabs Tavington, who is now kicking and screaming, and drags him down the hillside.


Random Patriot: Look, the British are coming!

British Redcoat Army: We're coming!

Benjamin: Why is everything so obvious?

Lee: Steady!

British Redcoat: AIM! 1 – 2 – 3 – FIRE!

Lee: 1 Mississippi…2 Mississippi…3 Mississippi…4…Oh, uh, FIRE!

Redcoat/Patriot Soldiers: (die)

HILLSIDE – Afternoon

Cornwallis: Where the blazes is Tavington?