5Disclaimer: I don't own anything here except my ideas of what
should have been. Don't sue please! Pairing: JC/AL of course Spoilers: Up to season 10 ep "Touch and Go" after that its all from my head Rating: I'm not sure. Lets just say R for Language
Summary: I just watched "Touch and Go" and Abby let Carter
off way too easy. This is my idea of how it should have
happened.
Authors note: The song at the end is Eric Clapton "Blue Eyes
Blue".This is my first fic and I didn't plan it, it just
happened. Please please review. Enjoy
You are everything I know about love, And everything I love about life... - (Abby's POV) I read somewhere once that "if you love someone let them go, if they return they were always yours, if they don't they never were". I never bought that, not for a second, at least not until today. God when I saw him standing there showing of the scan all I wanted to do was run and hide, find the nearest hole to climb into and never get out of but I didn't in away he'd just be winning again. He always said that when things got bad I ran but I wasn't the one running away 7 months ago. He's the one that ran away even when I begged him to stay. And here he is now so I just swallow my pride and go over to him.
I've spent the last 7 months scared that I'd never see him again; scared that someday the phone would ring telling me that he was dead just like it did about luka the day he left. I never heard from him once bar the letter he sent through luka dumping me and the Christmas present but then again that was probably more about being friendly. I should have guessed that he'd move on but I guess I just didn't want to accept it cos that meant that it really was over. And here he is not 10 feet away from me with her and there baby scan. I wish I was dead at least then I wouldn't have to live with this.
I walk over and when he sees me he hugs me like I'm just an old friend he hasn't seen in a while, like the last year and a half meant nothing. Like that wasn't bad enough she has to shove the sonogram in my face and by that I can tell she obviously doesn't know who I am. Nice Carter real nice. Luka brings me out of thoughts by coming over to say hi and she thanks him in his round-about way of getting them together. I don't know who to hate more right now luka or her, Kem. Luka then tries to defend himself by saying that they didn't meet until after he left but it means that he knew all along and didn't say anything. This us getting worse by the second/
After the trauma Carter and I are left alone in the trauma room for the first time since he got back and it hits me this is where it all started. This is the room I caught him doping up in, where we shared our first kiss, our first night and now this. Ironic I suppose. "I'm glad you went back" he said bringing me out of my daze "To med school? Yeah me too" "You never should have left" "Well timing is everything right?" I say jumping to the defensive. He smirks as he walks past me knowing my defences are more or less up "What? What?" I ask "You seem happy" he says. "Right back at you" defensive to the last but I can't help it he hurt "We ok?" he asks half afraid of my answer. He forgets that I can read him so well "Suppose" I say shrugging "That's not an answer Abby" "Best I can give. Look carter what do you want me to say. Welcome home. Congrats on the baby oh and by the way thanks for the letter that really made my year!" "Felt like the right thing to do. You weren't happy anymore and if I couldn't make you happy them what was the point in us?" "That's such bullshit you wanted out and you didn't have the balls to tell me you had to piss off to Africa" "That's not how it was" "How was it then cos that's how it felt" "I just wanted you to be happy, to move on find someone else who could make you happy" "Was that before or after you met her" "This has nothing to do with Kem. This is you and me Abby "There is no you and me you saw to that. Shifts over I'm going home" I say as I storm out of the trauma room.
Breathe just breathe Abby. Just get to your locker and get your stuff and cry till your hearts content once you leave. Don't let him see you. I keep saying in my head as I make my way down the corridor. I thought I was over this but obviously not. I just need to think. Somewhere quiet. The roof, no that's where he almost proposed. The river, no that's our place. Home, to an empty cold and lonely apppartment. To a bar, and through away 7 months for that jackass. So I put my coat on and plan to just walk aimlessly round the city. Don't have any better options.
As I leave I see them in the ambulance bay. He looks happy. Why can't it be me? We never talked bout kids but I thought bout it a lot and yeah I wanted to give him kids back when I thought that it was going to last. I hear them talk as I make my way outside and try to sneak past them.
"It's a good thing I love you" he says to her just like he said to me all those times. I don't know what's worse, that he genuinely loves her like he loved me or that he never really loved me.
Those words destroyed me. At first I wanted it to be bout him being the good man and standing by the woman he got pregnant but when he said that I knew I'd really lost him forever. I try to make it as far down the street before I let the tears fall and once they do I don't know if they'll ever stop.
Hours after my shift ended I still find myself walking round the city scared to go home. All the bars I walk past are getting more and more appealing but I can't throw away 7 months because of him funny considering I sobered up for him. I thought if he walks through that door now and I'm still drinking I'll have lost him so I had to change but not just for him but for me. Since he left I've realised that I'm not so dependant as I once was. He said in that letter that it was all bout me needing him but it wasn't. It was about me wanting him. Even with Luka I wanted Carter. I spent two years wanting him and when I finally have him it gets all screwed up! Like I said timing is everything.
Suddenly I come out of my daze and realise I'm at the river. Our place. I swore I'd never come here again, hold too many memories, but there I am. And now that I'm here I can't seem to leave. I haven't been here since he left and I forgot how peaceful it can be.
(Carter's POV) I lie in bed staring at the ceiling. I can't Abby out of my head. Is that really what she thought that letter was bout, is that really thought we were about? I don't wan there to be hostilities between us I still love her but I've got Kem and the baby to worry bout now. She just makes me so angry. Like going was all bout hurting her when it was bout me and all I needed to sort. I didn't go over there with the purpose of finding someone but I did and do love Kem. I need to sort this out with Abby.
I suddenly decide to get out of bed and ring her. I go downstairs to the office and dial the number that is imprinted on my heart. I just get her machine and hesitate whether or not to leave a message. I hang up looking at the clock it's just past midnight. She's probably asleep but I ring again determined to talk to her. So I dial again and again get her machine but this time I'm gonna leave a massage! "Abby? Abby? Pick up if your there. Please? Look I'm sorry bout today. I thought that... I don't know what I thought or if I was even thinking. I just want us to be friends and I know that you need time and I'll give it to you cos I want us to be okay again. Just give me a call or I'll talk to you in work. I'm sorry" I said hanging up the phone. I just sit there not sure what to do staring at the phone hoping that she heard that and would ring back.
(Abby's POV) As I walk up the stairs to my apartment I hear the phone ring. Who'd be ringing at this time of night but I'm not really in the mood to answer so I just take my time opening the door. Then I hear it. His voice blasting over the machine. I'm in shock the only part that registers is I'm sorry. He's sorry for what the fight, for leaving, for the letter, for her or is he just saying sorry hoping that's what I need to hear? I play it again letting everything register and then I play it again and again and next thing I know I've played it so many times I know everything he says before he says it. I need to get out of here.
- (Carters POV) I can't stare at his phone any more I need some air. Maybe a walk will make it better. If only it were that simple.
(Abby POV) I'm back by the river so much for going home. I didn't think I could get any angrier with him but hearing that message. He says he's sorry like that gonna make it all okay again but its not. I don't think he even knows what he's sorry for.
As I sit on the bench running everything through my head over and over again I let the tears fall without even realising. God I hate him he's turned me into a blabbering idiot. As I light up a cigarette I feel a hand on by shoulder. I don't even need to look I already know its him. "What do you want Carter? Shouldn't you be at home with her?" I say with such spite in my voice. Some I never even knew I had. "Great minds think alike. Haven't been here in a while. Its still so peaceful." "Well how bout I leave you two alone" I say getting up to go. "Abby please I just want to talk" he says grabbing my arm "I'm really not in the mood for another fight Carter" "Neither am I. please just talk to me just for a minute" "Carter what's there let to say? You left. I got a shitty letter. You found some else and knocked her up. I waited for you to come back to me. You didn't. Did I miss anything?" "I told you to move on. Find someone to make you happy" "Like you did. Find someone to make me happy? I had that. You made me happy. And I love you more than anything but you obviously didn't love me or not as much as I love you" "How do you know what I feel or what I felt? I did love you more than I though I could love anyone and..." "Did being the operative word there. Look I' can't be your friend when I'm still in love with you Carter. You know what its like. You'll just have to find someone else for that" I say walking away.
"Abby please. I'm sorry!" with that I storm back over. "You're sorry? YOU'RE SORRY? Do you even know what you're sorry for? Well I don't wanna know. I'm done! Were done!" "That's it Run away like you always do" "I'm not running! You're the one that left. You went to Africa and I'm the one always running. Fuck you" "Abby this isn't how I wanted it to be. I'm sor.." "Say it one more time Carter and you really will be. You know what I'm sorry bout. That I ever met you. That I've wasted the last 3 and a half years of my life loving you when this is how it played out. If I'd a know I wouldn't have even bothered." "So you regret us. Well that's nice to hear" "What do you expect me to say? Thanks for giving me the time of day Dr. Carter. I'm so lucky that you even noticed me let alone liked me. I should get down on my knees and thank you for all the shit you've put me through. Get real Carter" "You think this is how I wanted it to happen? I wanted this to last Abby. And the thought of being with anyone but you at first was impossible but I moved on. I had to or I would have gone crazy." "So I'm crazy cos I didn't move on. Sorry but I thought we really had something so moving on for me wasn't an option. Do you have any idea what it felt like? Wondering every second of the day if I'd ever see you again. All I wanted to do was tell you how much I loved you. Every time the phone rang my heart stopped or anytime I went home and had a message on my machine I was terrified to play in case it was like the call bout Luka. In case they would tell me you were dead. But I guess it's my fault. Not bright enough to read the signs" "What signs?" "You proposed but you didn't. Remember? I found the ring. It fell out of your jacket that night at home. Do you know what that felt like? To know you were really gonna do it but that you changed your mind. Like you suddenly realised that I wasn't what you wanted after all. like I said something or did something to make you change your mind. Lucky escape I guess!" "It wasn't like that Abby I just; I still don't know what happened there. I just couldn't do it" "Doesn't matter now. Its over. We're over and I have to get on with it just like you have." I said the tears now falling of their own free will. I turn to him just before I walk away and I kiss him, pouring every ounce of love and passion I have left for him into it. It felt like the world melted away again and it was only me and him. I felt like I was alive for the first time in months. But then I came back to reality and when we finish I look him in the eye, the tears still falling. "So this is it?" I said trying to stop crying "What?" he looks at me confused. "Heart break. I LOVE YOU John Carter. Goodbye" and with that I left him standing by the river standing in what used to be our place.
- As I walked home, all I can think about is "is it really over?" maybe saying it out loud will make it more believable but I know that's a lie. If you really love someone it's never over. You gave them part of yourself, you gave them your heart, your whole heart, but you never get it all back. You get a heart with scars that always remind you that this person once had you heart and still has apart of it. The part that made you love them. I still care for Richard even if it's just an after thought once in a blue moon but it's still a thought. I see Luka everyday and I do still care for him, he's one of my best friends and I love him in my own little way even if our relationship was one based more on convenience than love. But Carter I love him more than I ever thought I could ever love anyone. I'll love him for the rest of my life but I have to move on. I'll never be Over Him but I have to try. I have to try to imagine a life without John Carter in it. A life without love. Is it possible? How do you ever get over your one true love? The person that was once everything to you? Its simple you don't.
Montage scene with Eric Clapton "Blue eyes Blue" playing over.
I thought that you'd be loving me. I thought you were the one who'd stay forever. But now forever's come and gone And I'm still here alone.
[Clip of Abby walking into her building. As she closes her apartment door she leans her back against it and slides down to the floor crying uncontrollably.]
'Cause you were only playing, You were only playing with my heart. I was never waiting, I was never waiting for the tears to start.
[We see clips of Carter sitting in his Jeep, his eyes clouded over staring out the window. We see he's outside Abby's building]
It was you who put the clouds around me. It was you who made the tears fall down. It was you who broke my heart in pieces. It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue. Oh, I never should have trusted you.
[Abby still crying]
I thought that I'd be all you need. In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven. And now my heaven's gone away And I'm out in the cold.
[Carter still staring at the building]
'Cause you had me believing, You had me believing in a lie. Guess I couldn't see it, I guess I couldn't see it till I saw goodbye.
[Abby] It was you who put the clouds around me. It was you who made the tears fall down. It was you who broke my heart in pieces. It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue. Oh, I never should have trusted you
[Carter stepping out of the Jeep onto the road. Looking up at her window. Thinking about going up]
'Cause you were only playing, You were only playing with my heart. I was never waiting, I was never waiting for the tears to start.
It was you who put the clouds around me. It was you.
[Abby getting up of the floor still crying, as she makes her way across the apartment she turns the lights off. When she gets to her bedroom she just collapses on the bed drawing a shirt of his to her face as she cries herself to sleep]
It was you who put the clouds around me. It was you who made the tears fall down. It was you who broke my heart in pieces. It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue. Oh, I never should have trusted you.
[Carter sees the lights go of in the apartment and as he turns his back to get into the Jeep takes one last look]
"I Love You Abby. Always. Goodbye"
[He then drives off]
Oh, I never should have trusted you. Oh, I never should have trusted you. Oh, I never should have trusted you.