Leels' Note: Right, this is a fic. You don't say, eh? It is a rom-zom-com: a romantic comedy, WITH ZOMBIES! Co-written by me (Leels), and The Artist Formerly Known As Greyfriars (janet ross' ghost last thing I knew), who has a small note on her (not this one) profile about why Malkovich won't be happening and what the plot would have been if it had. This is the very first time I've ever written an author note. Some of you won't recognise it, it has grammar.
This fic was created with the aid of the following stimulants: Herbertivator the Re-animator, hand-jiving to Monster Mash, watching Shaun Of The Dead twenty-five times in a row and copious quantities of Irn Bru.
Disclaimer: Sacnoth owns Shadow Hearts and all related characters. Rom-Zom-Com was thought up by Simon Pegg or whoever that wrote SOTD.
We have to thank Feemy for being like Fran off Black Books, Chris The Matinee Idol for, well, being a romantic matinee idol and Fallen Fish for being insane, not bitching when we accidentally ripped off his fanfic, and various crazy theories about Keith Valentine getting Immortal Lord Cthulhu pregnant. (Oh and I would also like to thank God, my agent, my make-up artist, my mum, my goldfish and Jade Puget's hair. ::starts crying::)
Enough Oscars-ish behaviour! On with the fic...
The train, speeding through Europe towards Zurich was nearly empty. One of its spacoius, clean carriages was only occupied by a young man with a trenchcoat that looked as if it hadn't been taken off in ten years who sat beside a pale, thin woman in a borderline-indecent skirt. Her head was resting on his shoulder as she slept.
The man absent-mindedly kicked some litter across the floor, carved 'YH 4 AE AAF' into the back of the seat in front of him with a penknife, and made up his mind. he turned to the sleeping woman and almost woke her up, freezing at the last moment. With a sigh, the man pulled out the penknife again and thoughtfully added 'MAGZ BOMA KEEF' to the graffitti. Leaning his head back, he flicked the blade of the knife in and out. Upon realising he had no friends whose names he could spell left to graffitti about, he put the knife back into its usual pocket and laid a hand on his companion's arm. She did not awake. Nervously, he shook her gently. Still no response.
Nothing. Not even the tiniest movement.
Frowning, he shook her arm again, more firmly.
With a shriek, Alice sat bolt upright and blinked in terror like a small fluffy item of imminent roadkill.
'...What ...the ... hell?' the young man finally stuttered.
'Yuriii!' she cried, flinging her arms around his neck . 'Thank god you're here!'
He stared at Alice in bemusement.
'I was having the most awful nightmare! It was really scary! There were these penguins, see, and they were...Em... and then there was a flying pirate... Hey! It WAS scary!' she insisted, slapping Yuri on the face with a hardback bible when she noticed him laughing.
'I won't let the penguins get you, Alice,' he reassured her.
'You don't mean that.'
'Course I do!'
'You don't. You think I'm an idiot because I had a nightmare about penguins.'
'Yes, that too. But if there ever are any penguins, I swear I will be right beside you,' saaid Yuri, wondering if there were any Pure roots left.
'... You'd've been scared too. The pirate had drumsticks!'
'I am scared, Alice. I'm very scared.'
'...Good.' She laid her head back down on his shoulder.
The train sped on.
After what seemed to him like three hours, Yuri asked 'Alice?'
Shakily, Yuri took one of Alice's hands.
He extracted a clearly much-used leather glove with lethal blood-tipped spiky bits from his pocket. Slippping this murderous contraption onto Alice's hand, he explained with a shrug, 'I couldn't get a ring... Alice, will you marry me?'
Alice stared in to Yuri's face in wonder.
'Did the penguins send you?'
Yuri considered banging his head off the back of the seat in front.
Alice was practically dragging a nervous wreck of a Yuri through the clean wide streets of an affulent area of Zurich.
'I can't wait to tell mother!' Alice frequently enthused. 'We can have a really big weddiing!' Yuri nodded, mind not able to think more than ten minutes ahead. 'And we can have tons of flowers, and I can wear a really fancy dress, and we'll get a huge cake... with a million teirs...'
Yuri shivered as Alice's mother's house drew ever closer.
'... and a bouncy castle...'
Even the house had an attitude. It was an attitude which seemed to say 'We can afford better curtains than you, so there'. This was the kind of attitude that filled Yuri's soul with ice, a far scarier attitude than the 'I'm gonna rip you head off and spit down the hole' kind he was used to. At least you knew where you stood -preferably sveral miles away- with people like that.
Alice apparently felt none of this apprehension as she bounced excitedly up the steps which led to the front door. Knocking by way of a smarmily shining brass door knocker, Alice gestured furiously for Yuri to hurry up and get to the door before her mother answered. As he shuffled his feet nervously, the door was opened by an aging woman with immaculate hair, expensive-looking clothes and an even more intense attitude than her house. Alice flung her arms round the woman's neck, crying 'Mother!'
Yuri came out in a cold sweat and wondered if it was too late to catch the next train to Siberia.
Inside, the house had cultivated even more of an attitude. It had been growing a challenging air of since construction, and finally it had a chance to put its natural skills into practise. Yuri could feel the walls start to salivate as he walked through the door. He was not going to leave this house in one peice.
They were led through to the mysteriously named drawing room (there was no sign of pencils or paper anywhere), and Yuri perched nervously on a sofa while Alice chatted excitedly to her mother.
Before long, Mrs Elliott turned an icy stare towards Yuri.
And what exactly is this, Alice?'
Mu-therr!' Alice sighed. He's a ! He's a Yuri! He's my Yuri.'
Don't be ridiculous, dear,' said Mrs Elliott, trying her best to sound long-suffering. You simply can't keep him.'
Yes I can,' Alice stubbornly insisted. And I'm going to marry him. So THERE.'
Mrs Elliott breifly appeared to have been hit in the face with a frying pan, but she quickly regained her dignity and took on her sternest persona.
It just will not do, Alice, it won't do at all. I feel that it is my duty as a mother to forbid you from marrying... that.'
HE'S A HE!' Alice exploded. And I don't see why not!'
It... very well, he is a bizarre, unwashed, trench coat-wearing freak of nature!'
...Thanks...' Yuri offered unsurely.
SO?' demanded Alice.
And he looks,' Mrs Elliott announced authoratatively. ...like a foreigner.'
SO?' Alice repeated.
Alice, dear, haven't you read a newspaper lately? These smelly foreigners are trying to kill us all!'
But mother, he's not a penguin! He isn't going to kill anyone! He's a nice Yuri.' She put on her most pleading, puppyish expression. Ple-ease?'
No, Alice, I absolutely forbid you to marry that thing! Now, go to your room until you learn to marry normal people.'
Fine then. Maybe I will go to my room.' Alice stood up, with as much of a sense of purpose as she could muster. Come on then Yuri.'
Okay!' said Yuri with more enthusiasm than he'd managed all day.
NO! BAD!' shreiked Mrs Elliott, in a clear case of the heebie-jeebies. OUT OF THIS HOUSE!'
Um, Mrs Elliott? What exactly did we do?' Yuri wasn't sure, but he had an idea it was something to do with penguins, and possibly class wars. Sorry about it. Whatever it was.' Alice marched furiously out of the door, and Yuri, afraid of being left to the mercy of his already-estranged mother-in-law, hurried after her as fast as he could.
So... what are we going to do now?' Yuri asked. They were sitting on a kerb several streets away from The Attitude House Of Horrors, with no money, no home, and worst of all, still no Pure Roots.
Let's form a ninja squad and defeat the penguins,' suggested Alice dreamily, staring into space.
I have a better idea. Let's not... ...Alice?'
How are we going to get married?'
In a big church with lots of flowers and a cake and a huge party and-'
With the money that will come from...?'
Alice slowly leant her head against Yuri's shoulder. Oh no... We need a hare-brained scheme.'
Yuri sighed. My brain doesn't have any hairs left after all that killing god nonsense.'
God made your brain go blad,' giggled Alice, still staring into space. Gradually, her eyes widened, and her gaze became fixed on a sign on a building across the road: ZURICH CITY TOURS LTD.
Yuri?!' she exclaimed gleefully.
My brain still has hairs!'