28Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's JKR's, if you don't... well, then it's mine.
Note: All reading from now on is a complete waste of your time. I cannot be held responsible for any missed dental appointments, bad dates, or anything else of the sort that were caused by my fic. Thank you for your time.
And now...
On the bright, sunny day our story starts, Harry Potter wakes up to find the boys' dormitory bright and full of sunlight. He looks around and sees that all of the other boys have left for breakfast already, so he gets dressed and heads down to the Great Hall. He sees Ron and Hermione sitting with a seat in between them, and it looks as though they are trying to ignore each other. Harry takes the empty seat and decides to ask what is wrong.
"Hey, guys, I've been meaning to ask you... what's wrong?"
Ron looks up at him, looking as though he is about to cry.
"Her stinking cat, Crookshanks, gave me a boo-boo, but she keeps insisting that it's just a paper cut!"
Hermione rolls her eyes. "I saw him do it! He was doing his Divination homework, and he cut his finger on the parchment!"
Ron glares at her. "Well, yeah... But he made me do it! He made a scary noise and so I jumped and cut myself!"
Harry doesn't want to waste his whole morning listening to Ron's and Hermione's bickering, so he decides to go and visit Hagrid, so he can see some of the fascinating and completely harmless creatures Hagrid has in store for the year ahead. But on the way, he hears a high, cold voice coming from the Forbidden Forest.
"Oh, Harry... Come here, Harry... Come and play..."
Harry stops in his tracks. He approaches the trees nervously. "Who are you, and what do you want?"
"Come and play..." the voice says again.
"Why should I trust you?" Harry asked the voice.
"I've got Chocolate Frog cards!"
"Which ones?"
"Er... That one you don't have... and... well... Actually, I nicked the whole food trolley off the Hogwarts Express! I've got loads of stuff!"
"Awesome!"
Harry goes running into the forest, but not to find the food trolley he is expecting. Less than a foot away from Harry is none other than Lord Voldemort. He grabs Harry's arm, and with a crack, both disappear, and reappear in a plain field that seems to go on for miles.
Harry looks up at Voldemort.
"How did you do that?"
"I Apparated us out of the grounds."
"But you can't Apparate or Disapperate on Hogwarts grounds! And anyways, is it even possible for you to 'Apparate me'?"
A confused expression sets over Voldemort's face.
"I- well- we- uh-"
He looks out of the page, straight at me, and says, "Hey! Hey, you! How did we Disapparate out of the grounds?"
I look into his eyes. "I... er... didn't think about that. Oh well, just keep going!"
"Fine... idiot."
"I heard that!"
Harry clears his throat, making a remarkable impression of his former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Deloras Umbridge.
"Hem hem. Can we get back to the story, please? I have to go to a D.A. Meeting in fifteen minutes."
Voldemort nods. "Yes... I'm due to have tea with Lucius... Now, where was I?"
"I think you were about to tell me why you brought me to this plain, ordinary-looking field."
"Oh, yes." He starts pacing. "Well, Harry, you were right. There is nothing special about this field. Nothing at all. I would have preferred to take you back to the graveyard near my hometown, but apparently the author was to stupid to realize that!"
I glare at the page furiously.
"I'm warning you, Thomas... If you say one more word, I'll have you die before the story is over! I have that power! This is my story!"
"One more word."
"That's it!" I turn toward you, the person who is actually stupid enough to have read up to this point. "Sorry, folks... Did I just give away the ending? Oh well... at least you don't know how he'll die!" I say with an evil grin.
"Er... Okay then..." says Voldemort. He obviously doesn't believe me. I almost feel sorry for him. He's clueless. "Anyway... I guess I'll just... kill you now!"
I look at Harry.
"That's your que."
"Huh?"
"This is the part where you come up with the brilliant plan to save your own butt, and kill Voldemort."
"Er... it is?"
I give an exasperated sigh, lean forward, and whisper the plan to Harry.
"Right," he says, listening intently, "Right... Okay, I think I've got it. I just have one question for you. Where does the pickle come in?"
I smile at him mysteriously. "You'll see."
Harry nods, turns back toward Voldemort, and starts yelling, pointing over Voldemort's shoulder, "Yes! It's Dumbledore! He's here, he's here!"
"Where?"
Voldemort turns around, looking very frightened, looking around frantically to see where Dumbledore is. Harry drops to his knees, takes the spare shovel that he always keeps with him out of his pocket, and starts digging a hole. He drops the shovel as Voldemort turns back again.
"I didn't see Dumbledore..."
"Look, he's right there!"
"Where?"
I let this go on for ten minutes, by which time Harry's hole is two feet deep,before I interrupt them.
"Harry?"
He looks up from his hole.
"Yes?"
"That wasn't the plan."
But at that moment, Voldemort turns around, (again,) and starts walking toward Harry furiously. Harry backs away, and Voldemort, who hasn't noticed the hole, trips and bangs his head on the shovel, killing himself. Harry goes into an annoying little victory dance, butI clear my throat and he turns back to me.
"You know," he says, "You never told me what the pickle was for."
It takes me a few seconds to figure out what he's talking about.
"Oh yeah, the pickle! Well, I figured I'd be hungry before the story was over, so I decided to have a snack ready. So... Give it to me, Harry."
Harry shakes his head. "But I'm hungry too!"
"Give me the pickle."
"No!"
And so Harry does what I fear most. He eats the pickle. Now I'm angry.
"HARRY POTTER, I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS! YOU JUST WAIT!"
"Oh, come on... What can you do?" he says, his mouth still full.
"Famous last words," I say simply, and with that I turn off the computer.
Okay you guys. I HAVE used spell check. I suck at proofreading. I'm doing the best I can. So give me your sympathy. And I know that everyone is out of character. That's why it's stupid. Now, if you didn't have any complaints, I suggest you read the next chapter, or better yet, push that pretty little button to review.