Disclaimer: I do not own the Gun of Tri-ness.

Have you ever stopped to wonder what the three guns of Trigun are? Maybe they mean Vash's shiny revolver, Knives's shiny revolver, and Wolfy's Crosspunisher? Or maybe Vash's shiny revolver, his machine gun arm, and his angel arm gun thing that makes cities explode? I...don't...know. O.o

Random Conspiracies and Bar Parties

Chapter 11 - The Eternal Pain and Suffering of Vash the Stampede

Legato: I want Vash the Stampede to experience Eternal Pain and Suffering!

Knives: That's what you said in chapter 1. Jeez. Get some new ideas.

Legato: Master, if I wanted to be original I'd hire writers.

Wolfwood: Well, you heard the man. Commence with the suffering of Vash the Stampede!

Meryl: Wait a minute...

Millie: Where did Mr. Vash go?

Caine: -.u

Knives: Ah, you're right Caine. He's hiding behind that weird shaped cactus that looks oddly specifically like a cactuar from the Final Fantasy series.

Legato: That really is an oddly specifically shaped cactus. o.O

Midvalley: Shut up and make him suffer already.

Meryl: Alright Donut-boy, come out. We're obligated by contract to reward Legato with whatever he wants. He chose your sufferring so let's move it.

Vash: Uh..I'm not Vash the Stampede. I'm...uh...Crash Bandicoot? o.o

Everyone: -blink.- o.-

Meryl: Crash Bandicoot...right. I guess that makes me that evil dude. -pulls out a laser gun and incinerates the cactus.-

Vash: Shoot.

Wolfwood: Okay. -fires his Cross Punisher at Vash.-

Vash: CRAP! -dives behind a large potted plant.-

Legato: Okay, whatever man. Kinda weird though...-pulls his pants down and bends over.-


Legato: He said "CRAP" so I was gonna, you know, crap.

Knives: T.T Alright. Who fed him peanut butter?

Wolfwood: What are you talking about?

Knives: Whenever Leggy over here ingests peanut butter, he goes on Extreme Literal Mode. Highly annoying.

Legato: It's an allergic reaction.

Vash: Right then...

Knives: ...Right. Commence with the suffering.

Vash: Eh..I'm not really in the mood to suffer. How about never?

Knives: I think not.

Legato: For my first phase of Vash's suffering, I command that all donuts shall be square!

Vash: Nooooooooo!

Legato:...and they shall taste like...

Vash: Don't do it man! Or, if you have to, make them taste like beer!

Legato: Well, I was going to say beer, but now that I know that will make you happy, I shall have to think of something else.

Vash: Damn.

Legato: Hm...let's see? Oriental fried chicken? No. Delicious cream-filled chocolate wafer cookies? No..

Vash: I hate those things, I hate them! -drools.-

Knives: Nice try, nimrod.

Legato: I've got it!

Vash: -groans.- I'm doomed!

Legato: I command that all donuts shall be square and taste like...gnome patties!

Everyone: -mass full body twitch.- o.O

Vash: -cries.-

Legato: Next I command that these square, gnome-patty flavored confections fall from the sky. And Vash must eat them until he utters the words "I hate donuts!"

Meryl & Millie: Gasp!

Wolfwood: Gasp!

Gung-ho-Guns: Gasp!

Some Random Guy: Gasp!


Legato: Oh. You will. Mwa ha. Mwa ha ha ha. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

Square donuts began to rain from the sky. One by one, Vash the Stampede was forced to eat every one of the gnomish-patty tasting morsels.

Vash: I'll never give in! Never! -on the 5,038,293rd donut.-

Legato: By the powers that be and don't be, you will! But, just to make this easier on us all, I'll take the short cut.

Vash: Short-cut? What shor-

Legato: I command that Vash the Stampede shall scream in bold italics letters, "I hate donuts!"

Vash: O.O -clamps his mouth shut.-

Legato: In 5...4...3...2...1...Now.

Vash: I...HATE...DONUTS!

Knives: Ah ha hah ha hah ha ha ha! n.n

Legato: See now, don't you feel better inside?

Vash: -is rolling around on the floor clutching his heart.-

Millie: Oh dear. Does anyone know how to do a quadrouple bypass surgury?

Wolfwood: Me! Oh let me! Pick me! Meeeeeeee!

Legato: Hm...I pick...

Wolfwood: -jumping up and down waving the Cross Punisher.- Me me! Pick me!

Legato: Zazie!

Zazie: Me? Woot! xB

Wolfwood: Damnit! I wanna do quadrouple bypass surgury! -evil grin.- Oh...Chapel...

On The Operating Table. Inside (Where else?) The Bar

Zazie: -cleaning his "tools" and humming.- All around the mullberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel. Do doo do doo doo doo doo doo doo...POP goes the weasel!

Meryl: Somehow I think the song will be changed to POP goes Vash. Just a hunch.

Legato: -blowing up a balloon that says "Get Worse Soon".-

Knives: -dressed in a nurses uniform.- Does this dress make me look fat? .x

Dominique: Eh...you could stand to lose a bit of weight around the hips.

Knives: -bursts into tears.-

Zazie: Nurse, this is no time to fall apart! Hand me the tweezers!

Knives: -sniffles.- Here. -hands him a pair of plastic kiddy tweezers.-

Zazie: I shall have to ask the rest of you to wait in the waiting room.


Wolfwood: We don't have all day kid. Get movin'. -is smoking 3 cigs.-

Millie: Bokushi-san, you know what your anger management counselor said about smoking more than 1 at once.

Wolfwood & Meryl: -twitch.-

Meryl: Millie? T.T

Millie: Yes, sempai? n.n

Wolfwood: What...have...we...told...you...about mentioning that woman in the vicinity of this planet?

Millie: Something about vanilla pudding? n.u'

Meryl: -holds up photos labeled "BLACKMAIL" with Millie eating broccoli.-

Millie: NO! NowIrememberitwassomethingaboutnotevereverevermentionBotan'snameagainpleasedon'tshowthosetomypudding!

Wolfwood: Right...o.O

Meryl: Yeah...O.o

Zazie: AHEM. Can we get on with it already?

Legato: Yes! Make him suffer!

Midvalley: Dimwit, he has to be alive for you to make him suffer. Doesn't help if he's dead. e.e

Legato: -ponders this.- I propose that you are right. Make him live so that he can suffer, Beast child!

Zazie: Right. Stethoscope.

Legato: -attempts to use telekinesis to get the stethoscope to Zazie.-

Knives: -picks up the stethoscope and hands it to Zazie.-

Legato: Ha! Fear me! I can make stuff float!

Knives: No you can't. I picked that up.

Legato: Well, then behold! I have the power to make Master pick things up!

Knives: Legato, do me a favor.

Legato: Anything Master!

Knives: -hands him a wooden frying pan.- Don't say a single word until you've turned this into gold. And no using spray paint or glitter like last time.

Legato: Aye aye Master! -sits there concentrating his mental powers on the frying pan.-

Zazie: Twizzlers! -stuffs them in Vash's insides.-

Meryl: Uh...twizzlers?

Zazie: Spoon. -shoves it up Vash's left nostril.-

Millie: Hey! That was my pudding eating spoon! T.T

Knives: Have a fork.

Millie: Eh, good enough. -chows down on her pudding.-

Zazie: -sweat rolls down his face as Vash's heart monitor starts to beat faster.- We're losing him! Quick! Administer physical shock!

Knives: -cackles whilst beating Vash's comatose body with Meryl's mallet.-

Meryl: You know, if I were into incest, that would be kind of kinky...

Knives: -drops the mallet and his jaw.- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! -runs away.-

Zazie: Great. You scared off my nurse.

Wolfwood: -has shoved a pack full of cigarettes in each ear.- Hear no evil hear no evil hear no evil hear no evil...

Meryl: You people need to get in touch with your inner Funky Monkey.

Millie: Yeah. The Inner Funky Monkey is awesome. He likes pudding.

Zazie: Salmon.

Wolfwood: What the hell is an "Inner Funky Monkey"? Is this another one of those carabou things?

Meryl: -suddenly wearing hippie clothes and purple-tinted glasses.- The Inner Funky Monkey's,like, Love and Peace, dude.

Millie: Yeah, man. Dig the Love and Peace. Love your Inner Funky Monkey.

Midvalley: These two are really starting to worry me.

Dominique: It must be from the dramatic climate change -coughcough.- which a certain authoress still hasn't fixed...

Zazie: AHEM! I asked for a salmon 5 minutes ago people, do you want this loser to die?

Vash: Hell no!

Wolfwood: What the bleep!

Meryl: We thought you were having a freaking coronary!

Vash: Yeah. About 2 hours ago.

Zazie: You may thank me with 200 thousand double dollars please.

Vash: How about some of these gross unholy square gnome crap donuts. Bring 'er in boys!

An enormous dump truck pulls up and dumps a load of the square gnome crap donuts on Zazie's head.

Dominique: Now that's quality entertainment.

Wolfwood: I'm bored. Let's do something.

Vash: Wait...hang on. -sticks a finger up his nose.-

Meryl: That's gross.

Vash: -pulls out the spoon.- I suppose you'll be wanting this back. -hands it to Millie.-

Millie: Why thank you Mr. Vash. -chucks the fork away and resumes eating with her snot and brains covered spoon.-

Wolfwood: Uh...maybe you should rinse your mouth out before the next time we eat sandwiches.

Millie: What are you talking about? This pudding's perfectly clean!

Wolfwood: -sighs.-

Vash: Hey, where'd Knives go?

Wolfwood: He ra-


Meryl: -twirling the mallet behind her back and whistling.- Bathroom.

Vash: Oh...Hey look at that dude on that motorized unicycle out there. Wearing a clown's business suit. Weird.

Wolfwood: He's heading straight for us! Take cover! -dives under the operating table.-

Vash: Dude. He's still 2 isles off.

Wolfwood: Yeah, but when he does come barrelling towards us, I'll be prepared. Suckers.

Meryl: He looks vaguely familiar...

Millie: Probably from your days as a Playboy Bunny.

Vash: Woot!

Meryl: Nah. I would have remembered scre- I mean, consorting with a guy wearing a clown's business suit.

Vash: Huh? -pulls a salmon out of his ear.-

Meryl: We were talking about underwear made of cheese.

Vash: Oh. o.O I had a pair of those once. Melted right off. Got stuck to my-

Dude In The Clown's Business Suit: Which one of you is Ms. Meryl Stryfe?

Midvalley: That would be me.


Meryl: I'm Meryl Stryfe of the Bernardelli Insurance agency. What.?

Dude: Uh...yeah. I have a message here from one Mernie Stryfe's attorney.

Meryl: Ok...what's he want?

Dude: Yer grandma's dead.

Millie: OH MERYL I'M SO SORRY! -deathglomp.-

Meryl: -suffocating.- Gee...what a lovely way to break the news.

Dude: Yeah. You'll need to come with me to hear the reading of the will.

Vash: Ooh, can we come too?

Wolfwood: WOO! ROADTRIP!

Millie: Mr, will there be pudding there?

Dude: Sure. It's customary nowadays to hand out free pudding at attorney's offices.

Millie: Yay! Oh please can we go Meryl!

Dominique: You might as well say yes. I've already packed our stuff.

Legato: And the hotdogs!

Knives: -tiptoes in as far away as possible from Meryl.- Ah, Legato. I see you've somehow managed to turn that frying pan to gold..

Legato: Yep.

Knives: Well, how'd you do it?

Legato: Well, Master, I took some advice from Vash the Stampede.

Knives: And?

Legato: I peed on it.

Knives: ...

Legato: n.n I know. You're so proud of my ingenuity that you're speechless.

Knives: ...idiot.

Legato: Anyway, about this road trip, when are we leaving? I have to leave a note for Susan, my housekeeper.

Knives: Housekeeper? Don't you mean lairkeeper?

Meryl: Whatever. Yes, you can all come.

Wolfwood: I'll get the transportation!

Dominique: Oh not that hunk of junk.

Wolfwood: Oh yes. n.n

Vash: Crap. The Volkswagon.

Meryl: We'll never make it there alive.

Attorney's Office

Attorney: Hello Ms. Stryfe. I'm sorry for your loss.

Knives: We're not.

Attorney: Oh good. I was hoping I wasn't the only one.

Meryl: T.T' Can we get on with the reading of the will?

Wolfwood: Woot! Free stuff! Yay Grandma Mernie!

Vash: Dude, where'd you get this awesome table that seats 33 1/2?

Attorney: We used this defective time machine to go back to King Arthur's time and steal his round table. We left them consolation bath soaps.

Vash: Oh, that's nice.

Meryl: AHEM.

Attorney: Oh right, yes. The will. Well, Ms. Stryfe there's not really very much here to read.

Knives: Ha ha! You're unloved!

Attorney: It says here, "To my only surviving heir, Meryl Jehosaphatina Bernadette Meredith Stryfe, I leave all my lawn flamingoes..."


Meryl: -deathglare.-

Wolfwood: Woot! Free lawn flamingoes!

Attorney: I'm not finished reading yet.

Knives: Damn.

Attorney: "...and the entire planet of Gunsmoke and my 3.5 trillion dollar mansion at the North Pole. Also, I'm leaving my 666.666 trillion dollar fortune with you. Have a nice day. Love, Grannie Mernie."

Knives: O.O! -faints.-

Vash: X.X!




Meryl: Holy shit. I'm rich.

A/N: Hey, it's good to be back. I've already got the next 3 chapters lined up, so hopefully there won't be much of a wait. Let me know what you think. Ciao.