176Disclaimer- The insanity's mine. Do you really think Harry Potter is this mad?
Authoress's Note- My it's been about two months, hasn't it? (wringes hands) Sincere apologies but no excuses. I have decided that I have to stop waiting for some crazy inspiration to come to me; it's much quicker if I simply sit and type whatever comes to mind! Heh. Enjoy! E.D.J
(1)Borrowed from Friends
Wonderful Reviews! Thanks for being so patient!
ThelovelyladyLily- I'm glad you liked the random Healing items and Peeves and chewing gum! Heh heh. Actually I believe J.K. Rowling DOES say Crookshanks is Half-Kneazle. I'd scrounge around her site, but I'm almost 99.9 percent positive!
Trish Shakespeare- And what pray tell is so wrong with me being silly? Just kidding; I'm fine with you asking for interviewyness.
Romulan Empress- I'm glad you liked the chapter!
Serena van der Woodsen- (hurts Serena for her little 'three word review' joke) Yeah I got it and was just kind of: "Gee thanks, Serena. Appreciate how much time you put into it." I'm glad you like Peeves and Voldie as a cameraman! Seriously I have absolutely NO idea where that came from. It just popped into my head, and I went with it!
fire-icecat- Brilliantly hilarious eh? Thanks! I hope you haven't died from lack of Crazy Chats! I have only two or three chapters left of one my other stories so hopefully I'll be able to update more frequently when that's done!
frifri- Thank you. I love being evil! Strange hill-billyness... (looks slightly afraid)
Auramistealia- I'm glad you like the fic!
Requests de la Snog
Fred/George- Trish Shakespeare
Oliver- fire-icecat
Remus- fire-icecat, Elladora D. Jobberknoll
Ron- frifri
Harry- frifri
Draco- frifri
Oh the characters weep for lack of snogging! (sighs) E.D.J.
Elladora's voice resonates throughout the room. "It's Crazy Chats! The place we're everyone acts…"
"Crazy!" responds the audience, as if they do this every episode when in fact it is quite a brand new addition.
Elladora materializes out of thin air (only Merlin knows how; she bloody well isn't sane enough to Apparate properly) and sits primly in her large, rather imposing, winged armchair.
She sits for a few minutes, gazing around the studio, which unfortunately doesn't look much different after Angelina's 'remodeling'. Just a few decorative holes in the walls. She completely ignores the audience, and hums something that sounds vaguely like "Build Me Up, Buttercup" under her breath until she looks up, her eyes furious.
"Walter!" Elladora barks, and the house elf scurries out from backstage looking as if he's got a rampaging Erumpent on his tail.
"Yes, milady?" he squeaks, a hint of sheer terror in his voice.
Elladora mutters something under her breath about house elves' incompetence at mind reading before finally saying, "I have decided that this episode's guests are much too boring and tiresome to appear in the public eye. Take them to the-secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided to await…"
She pauses for dramatic effect, and the audience leans forward in anticipation. Elladora looks momentarily panicked and searches for an appropriately dramatic ending to her hanging sentence.
"To await… to await… THEIR DOOM!" she finishes.
Silence.
Elladora coughs and Random Crew Member #103 runs on stage with cue cards for the audience. Reading the cue—along with the threatening note below it—the audience gulps and gasps in mock horror at Elladora's rather clichéd and disappointing sentence ending.
Walter the house elf suddenly realizes he is still standing on the stage, so he hurries backstage to do Elladora's bidding, but not without first hitting his head against a piece of lighting equipment as punishment for his delay. Once he is backstage, hurried whispering is heard, then three or more loud shrieks, the scrapping of desperate fingernails, and shouts of: "No! I won't go back to that hell!" "The rats! Oh Merlin, the rats are the size of small elephants!" and some pleading gibberish because the third unknown, rejected guest had already been reduced to a pile of insane Jell-O by merely entering the Crazy Chats studio.
The camera turns back to Elladora, and she grins and primps her hair in the camera lens.
"Now, guests… guests…" she murmurs, twirling her wand absently between her fingers.
It emits a jet of fuchsia sparks, and one of the front row audience members is accidentally turned into a moose with snapdragon flowers woven around his large antlers. Elladora only smiles sympathetically at said front row audience member turned moose then returns to her 'plotting.' The front audience member turned moose shrugs a nice moose shrug, takes a large bite out of the back of his neighbor's seat, and settles back for the rest of the show.
Finally, after a few tense minutes, Random Crew Member #103, still holding up his cue card that says 'Anticipation and/or Horrified-Filled Silence', walks over and discreetly prods Elladora with the tip of his wand.
She whirls around with a snarl, and, sans magic, Random Crew Member #103 is reduced to puddle of button-spotted goop.
"No one interrupts my plotting!" Elladora spats, her eyes glaring menacingly at the button-spotted puddle of goop that is now Random Crew Member #103.
The button-spotted puddle of goop that is now Random Crew Member #103 make a gurgling, sputtering noise and squelches off stage to continue his crew duties to the best of his abilities.
With a sigh of exasperation, a murmuring of "roadies," and a wave of Elladora's wand, Argus Filch, Madam Irma Pince, and a ghostly apparition known as Professor Binns appear onstage.
"Welcome!" says Elladora brightly, grinning toothy at the three members of Hogwarts staff. "Have a seat if you wish."
"Are you really offering me a seat or are you creating some elaborate plot to ruin my library books?" demands Madam Pince, clutching a copy of Horrid Hexes for Horrid Humans to her chest protectively.
"I assure you, Madam, I'm only offering you a seat," says Elladora seriously, but then she bites her lip and grins secretively at the audience.
All three guests sit down though Binns hovers a hair above his seat lest he sink through the sofa with his lack of a solid body.
"So, Argus, how's the Kwikspell comin'?" asks Elladora innocently, and the entire audience inhales sharply, filled with glee as they remember the rather entertaining scene from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets involving a certain Kwikspell letter opened by a curious second-year.
Mrs. Norris, who has somehow been yanked from prowling Hogwarts along with her master (cats are strange that way), steps out from beneath Filch's armchair, entwines herself around his legs, and hisses menacingly.
Filch's face has since gone a blotchy shade of red and white—a sure sign of wanting to kill someone in anyone's book.
"Argie?" prods Elladora.
He looks on the verge of explosion. "Don't call me Argie! It's Mr. Filch to you, Miss Jobberknoll!"
"The Kwikspell lessons if you will, sir?" says Elladora, ignoring the ask-me-one-more-time-and-I'll-kill-without-a-bleeding-Killing-Curse glare on Filch's face.
"IT WAS A BLOODY WASTE OF MONEY!" snarls Filch, and Mrs. Norris gives a hiss of disapproval at the interviewer and authoress who hisses right back, not to be outdone in the angry hissing department by a cat.
"Go on," murmurs Elladora, keeping her eyes fixed on Mrs. Norris, as if wondering whether the horrible cat would taste better fried or roasted over a spit.
"I'd rather not, Miss Jobberknoll," Filch growls.
"But the audience has paid so many Galleons for their tickets…" she simpers, knowing very well that audience gets in free though they must first sign an contract.
We will now be pausing the show for a moment for a more in depth look at said contract…
This contract states that Elladora and the Crazy Chats Company are not liable for any injury, disfigurement, hex, jinx, curse, uncontrollable vomiting, fountains of lemonade magically spouting from one's mouth, pointy purple horns, random bursts of show tunes lyrics, or rancid turnips wedged in uncomfortable places that the audience member may acquire. Elladora and Co. are also not reasonable for any deaths that result in the audience member dying and staying dead, dying and returning as a new resident ghost, and/or dying and being reincarnated as Elladora's left shoe. It is entirely the audience member's own fault for choosing to expose themselves to such insanity for an extended period of time. This contract is legal and binding in fourteen states, Guam, Scotland, New Zealand, and every person's happy place.
We now return back to our regular scheduled programming. Please enjoy the complementary music (your choice) in your head while the authoress struggles to regenerate the almost non-existent plot thread of the story.
"Filch! If you don't start telling us something juicy about your unfortunate Squibyness this moment, I will be forced to call in security!" roars Elladora.
"He's a Squib, and he's trying to ruin my library books!" interrupts Madam Pince, pointing an accusatory finger at the Hogwarts caretaker. "I just know his little kitty is in on the plot too!"
Elladora whirls on Madam Pince. "And what has made you so paranoid about people not showing the proper amount of respect for your library books?"
"I blame you, Miss Jobberknoll!" the librarian snaps. "I know you're plotting something sinister in that conniving mind of yours! You're…you're" she gasps. "YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THEIR BINDINGS, AREN'T YOU!"
The interviewer blinks helplessly at the obviously mad woman and turns to the last remaining guest who has yet to say a word so far.
"Professor Binns," Elladora says cautiously. "Why do you make your class, History of Magic, so incredibly boring?"
"I believe 'incredibly boring' is a bit of an understatement, Miss Jobbinthul," wheezes Professor Binns, and everyone in the room instantly feels drowsy. "I quite prefer the term 'coma-inducing' myself." He grins proudly.
"Why?" asks Elladora, crinkling her brow in confusion.
"Well, you see my old friend Professor Spitz at Durmstrang and I had a bit of a bet some twenty years ago to see who could be the most boring teacher at a wizarding school. Obviously I won." The ghostly old man puffs up his chest proudly. "I was so entertained by seeing the students reduce themselves to unconscious lumps that I've continued on with it."
"I see," says Elladora, grinning slightly at the fact that one of the Hogwarts professors enjoys seeing people miserable. "Very intriguing, Professor."
"INTRIGUING, MISS JOBBERKNOLL?" shrieks Madam Pince. "YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTRIGUING? THE FACT THAT I'M ON TO YOU! YOU PUT ON THE INNOCENT FACE, BUT I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO TO MY BOOKS!" (1)
Elladora slowly grins. "Well, I guess you caught me, Madam," she says, putting a hand to her heart.
Suddenly, a stack of library books plops into Elladora's lap.
Elladora raises her wand.
"You wouldn't," growls Madam Pince.
"I would."
Elladora murmurs a spell and sets the pile of books on fire.
Madam Pince's screeches fill the air, and she hurries over to mourn the burned books, sobbing, "My babies! My precious babies!"
Elladora turns back to Filch. "Anything else you'd like to say before I decide to have you removed by security for refusing to spill your secrets?"
"Yes, I'd like to say a few things," Filch snaps. He steps in front of the camera and opens his mouth.
The camera goes black.
All further statements by Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, have been omitted due to excessive vulgarity. We feel these statements do not reflect the show in the best light, and, seeing as we can omitt them, we obviously will to keep our image nice and shiny! Elladora and Company would also like to state, for the record, that the roadie crew prefers to be referred to as 'a troop of minions at the interviewer and authoress's beckon call' rather than 'a group of brainless thugs who are daft enough to listen to that mad horror of a girl.' Thank you.
The camera flickers back to life, and we see Filch being gagged and handcuffed and dragged away by Elladora's security team. Mrs. Norris is taken to be roasted over a spit at the authoress's request. Professor Binns has started a lengthy lecture on the goblin rebellions, causing half the audience to fall into a mind-numbing stupor. Madam Pince is still sobbing over the pile of smoking library books, muttering curses under her breath.
Elladora sits serenely among the chaos and smiles before skipping offstage.
Lord Voldemort, Cameraman Extraordinare, steps in front of the camera, a menacing look on his face. "That's the end of another insanity-filled episode, folks! As you can see, I'm not too happy about the little dressing room 'redecoration' of last episode. Carebears and pink fluffy clouds just don't say 'Evil Dark Lord'! Anyway… Argus Filch is now being dragged back to Hogwarts, and the plan is to lock the old bat in a broom cupboard with Peeves! Mrs. Norris is currently fighting Walter the house elf's attempts to roast her, but I'm sure he'll get 'er in the end! Anybody want a piece when she's nice and crispy? Madam Pince has once again gone into hysterics; she's accusing one of the armchairs of wanting to tear out book pages. Oh Merlin… And obviously our authoress and interviewer is off wreaking havoc among society! Remember to avoid ruining into lightposts when you can, Elladora! Goodbye and G'night!"
What'd ya'll think? It's past midnight right now so Elladora must get off the computer before her eyeballs dry up... E.D.J.