Once upon a time, there lived the Dursleys, a bunch of people with strange first names. There was an overweight man with an enormous mustache (Vernon), a bony chick who was his wife (Petunia), and their fat porky son Dudley. They lived in some house in England. Now one day, a baby was left on their doorstep by an old man in a robe. After Vernon was finished pissing his pants, they took in the baby, whose name was Harry, and raised him as a son. However, there was no room for Harry so he was forced to live in the refrigerator. This was probably the cause for his internal angst and schizophrenia.
One day, when Harry was busy bashing his feet on the wall as he had a tendency to be violent and throw tantrums, a letter came for him.
Dudley came in and tried to give it to him. "H-h-harry—this l-l-l-letter came for you," he said, flab quivering in utter terror.
"GIVE IT HERE, YOU CORKER!" Harry bellowed, pounding his hands on his chest. Dudley fled out the room to go masturbate in fear. But alas, in his haste to open the letter, Harry tore it up. "DAMMIT!" he bellowed and began punching holes in the wall.
These letters kept coming, but Harry was too busy taking steroids to notice. Finally Vernon said, "I think we need to go away for a while so Harry can calm down and possibly lose his steroid addiction." So they all went away to this rickety cottage on a big rock in the sea. Slowly, Harry Potter stopped having the urge to take steroids, although he still had a tendency to have outbursts.
Then, on his eleventh birthday, Harry was sobbing tragically on the floor when he heard a big boom and the door to the cottage got ripped off its hinges and was thrown away. A giant man entered the cottage. "I say," Harry said reproachfully, "ripping off the door like that was a bit unnecessary, wasn't it? Didn't your mother teach you how to knock?"
"Listen, Harry, I'm too busy wondering how my human father impregnated my giantess mother to think about the manners she taught me," the half-giant said, frothing at the mouth dangerously. Harry edged away. "Now allow me to introduce meself. I am Rubeus Rabid, keeper of...uhhh...errr...nevermind. Ahem, I have something important to tell you, Harry. I...am your father..."
Harry said, "Er. Then how come my name isn't Harry Rabid?"
Rabid laughed. "Ho ho ho, sorry, wrong Harry. Uhhh, my message for you is...you're a WIZARD, Harry!"
Harry jumped up and screamed, "Get OUTTA here! SERIOUSLY?" as he shoved Rabid, who promptly flew out of the cottage, ripping a large man-shaped hole in the wall. "Oops," Harry shrugged. Of course, all this noise had awakened the Dursleys, who rushed in armed with pillows to save their beloved Harry from Rabid. Rabid, when he re-entered the cottage gushing out blood, saw the Dursleys and began frothing again. He grabbed Petunia and used her bony body as a fork to spear Vernon and Dudley, who he quickly gobbled up. There was much screaming and in the case of Harry, laughing, before Rabid explained that he was a cannibal and enjoyed human flesh very much. Then he ate his fork—I mean, Petunia, and sat down on the sofa.
"Here's yer letter, Harry," Rabid said as he handed him a rather bloodstained letter. Harry wiped off the blood and read the letter. Something about some school called Hogwarts, blah blah blah. He was supposed to go buy cauldrons, eye of newts, and blah blah blah. "This is BORING!" Harry wailed. "I don't WANNA read it! I HATE reading!"
To make a long story short, the two of them went and got drunk in a pub. Then Rabid said, "Let's go buy yer crap, Harry." And so they went to some alley to buy his crap.
They stopped at one building that had a big sign that said "Witches Gone Wild". Harry looked in. "Rabid, where are we? What's that moaning sound? What's that lady doing on the pole?"
"Uh-oh," Rabid said. "Guess I accidentally took you to Pornogon Alley instead of Diagon Alley."
"D'you come here often, Rabid?"
"DO I?" Rabid's eyes bulged and he frothed again. "I mean, come on, let's go before the author has to change the rating to R."
In a robe shop, Harry met some guy. "I'm Draco Malfoy. I am extremely racist and prejudiced. Perhaps it is because of the giant broomstick wedged up my ass. Who knows? So, tell me: what do you prefer? Cheezits or Cheese Nips?"
Harry thought. "Cheezits," he finally said.
Malfoy sneered. "Everyone knows Cheezits are low class." After this extremely pointless conversation, the two wizards got into an intense fist fight and Rabid had to pull them apart. "Malfoy! I expected better of you! You know Harry has rage problemas! Why did you provoke him?" Rabid looked quite dangerous, white froth cascading through his lumpy boulder-like teeth, and he stared at Malfoy with hunger in his red eyes. "Eeeeeep," Malfoy muttered.
Then Rabid and Harry went to the bank. By now Rabid was so drunk and cannibalistic (he'd eaten five more wizards and his bloodlust had soared) that he couldn't really communicate very well. "Harry summat er bloody hamburger. And tha's all you'll ever need ter know, 'Arry. Oh yeah, an evil wizard named Mortevold—I mean Voldemort, killed your parents, tried to kill you and that's how you got that scar."
"Scar?" Harry asked, bewildered. Then he examined his forehead and lo and behold, there was a scar on it that looked kind of like a pear.
"Yes, Harry. You are the digi-destined."
"I mean, the curse rebounded off you and hit him instead and that's how Voldemort was defeated." Suddenly, a bunch of wizards and witches came over to Rabid and slapped him repeatedly. "You're supposed to say You-Know-Who!" they whispered frantically and left.
"Oh right. And do you know why You-Know-Who tried to kill you, Harry? Because of a prophecy from before you were born that said—"
Immediately the witches and wizards came back, slapped Rabid some more, while saying "You're not supposed to tell him that! He's not supposed to know it till the 5th book!" They left again.
"Arrgh," Rabid said, massaging his reddened cheeks. "OK, Harry, forget everything I told you about that prophecy and never think of it again, even if it may save your godfather Sirius's life and a lot of trouble and pain in the near future, alright?"
Harry was about to ask who Sirius was but Rabid hit him on the head with a large pink machete, so he forgot and lay unconscious for several hours. When he came to, they continued going to the bank, Gringotts. Harry couldn't help but notice all the ugly goblins who worked there. When one of them showed him the large heaps of gold his dead parents had left him, Harry gaped. Finally he said, "That's it? My idiot parents got themselves killed and this is ALL they left me?" He sat down and sobbed some more. Finally, he got up, took some gold, and followed Rabid to the next vault they visited. The goblin opened the door as Rabid explained, "Aye aye, important Hogwarts business, top secret, but I shouldn't say nothing. Har de har har har." The door opened. As the smoke cleared, Rabid and the goblin were looking everywhere for the top secret thingy. Harry spotted it by his ankle, and, chuckling at how smart and sly he was, grabbed it and stuffed it into his pocket. "Mwahahahaha," he cackled.
"Harry? Why are you cackling in an evil manner suggesting you have just done something mischievous?" Rabid asked.
"Uhhh...Just laughing at the...uhhh ugly goblins, that's it!" The goblins were very angry and threw Rabid and Harry out, so Rabid did not have the time to see the vault was empty. "Oh well," Rabid said. "I'll look next time."
Before Harry went home, Rabid bought him a white owl that he named Betsy and stuffed into his pocket. Then he and Rabid stopped to have a bite. Harry ate a hamburger and Rabid ate the waiter who brought it. As they ate, Harry asked Rabid, "Rabid? All the people we met today...how come they don't treat me like I'm special? I mean, hello, I defeated that sorcerer guy, why don't they bow down to me?"
"Well, 'Arry, they pro'ly dunno who ya are, har de har har har. Time to go home." Harry was still pouting about the fact that no one worshipped him, but then he realized his family had been eaten by Rabid.
"Wait a sec, Rabid. I can't go home. You ate my uncle and aunt and Dudley."
"Oh right. Well, I suppose I'll hafta resurrect them." Rabid barfed the Dursleys up, sewed them back together, and used his magic pink machete to bring them back to life. "I'm really not s'posed ter do magic, but necromancy isn't that bad," he winked. And then the zombie-Dursleys and Harry waved good-bye to Rabid, who was heading in the direction of Pornogon Alley, and they went home.
Back at home in England, Harry sat in his refrigerator stroking Betsy, who wasn't moving or breathing—Harry presumed she was sleeping—while the Zombie- Dursleys were walking around the neighborhood with their arms sticking out stiffly eating people's brains. Harry took the top secret package out of his pocket. "Hmmm, I wonder what's in it." He unwrapped the package. Inside was a small red palm-sized stone the color of Rabid's insane eyes. "Piece of junk," Harry growled. He stuck the stone inside his pocket, where he promptly forgot about it, and fell asleep.